A/N: First Criminal Minds fic. Based on the tiny reactions that Prentiss has in that scene in the bathroom. Because I like to think, using hindsight, that JJ's words meant something, that Doyle still affected her, even if we didn't know it then.
flinch
You find JJ in Hankel's filthy bathroom and you know the wide-eyed, glassy look in her eyes. You've seen it yourself too many times, hell, even you have worn that one. And you know that she's beating herself up for leaving Reid out in the corn fields, and combined with her close shave with the dogs, you are not surprised that the blonde is taking it hard.
So you offer her a reprieve. Because you know what it is like to feel guilt and shame and paranoia and fear. It eats at you; slowly worming its way through every sight, sound, smell… And even though JJ's been with the BAU longer than you have, seen more of these types of horrific cases than you have (hell, she's the one who chooses these cases), you doubt that she has come this close before.
And she nods, and gives a tight smile, and you walk away, give her some privacy, and she calls you back.
How come none of this gets to you?
And you are taken aback, can only question her, make her clarify, because you yourself need to sort this through. Even though your FBI personnel file says you've been there longer than you actually have, you have experienced some of the worst of humanity, gotten far too close to some of them…
How indeed.
And with that thought, you resolutely push it to the far corners of your mind, into a box marked 'BEFORE' with thick black tape sealing it firmly shut. You will not deal with that now.
And JJ keeps going.
You came off a desk job. Now suddenly you're in the field surrounded by mutilated bodies and you don't even flinch.
Oh.
Oh, JJ. If only you knew.
And you can't even blame her for her accusatory tone.
She's right – you have never seen as frequently as you do now, the number of destroyed lives and sick and gruesome manifestations of humanity. But he did terrible, terrible things, and you did too – you lied and pretended and became a whole other person. You killed and followed and were used and flirted and dealt weapons and cared and protected and sent men to their deaths and lov-
She's right, you've never blinked.
And you knew that they chose you – not because of your profiling skills, but because you could act and hide. Heaven knows you've been doing it for your whole life.
And everything belongs in their rightful, goddamn boxes.
I guess maybe I compartmentalise better than most people.
Your cool, professional mask does not slip one inch, even as Hotch and JJ eye you warily, silently assessing.
Because that was the only way you could have survived. And that's how you keep living.