Author's Note: Rated T for some language and completely non-graphic ship violence. This is meant to be taken as a joke, so no need to get your feathers all ruffled about how I portrayed your precious pairing. Also, I admit that I know absolutely nothing about real ships, so forgive me. I do not own Avatar, or it would be a whole lot weirder.
--
It was a beautiful day. The skies were a cloudless, pure blue, and the waters below stretched calm and clear for miles. One ship could be seen in the distance, its metal hull shining brightly as it cut through the blue waters like a sparkling knife.
The ship, Kataang, had an undefeated kill record. Any ship it came up against, it easily obliterated with its mighty cannons. The crew of the Kataang say that those cannons were bestowed on the ship by the mighty gods Mike and Brian themselves. The people on the mainland were proud of their ship as well, greeting it at every port it stopped in with huge celebrations, dancing, and music. And for good reason. The Kataang could subdue most rival ships by its colossal size, and its cannons were unmatched in all the world.
The ship was on its regular rounds that fateful day, staying within a few miles of shore, when they saw a new ship off in the distance. The captain ordered the Kataang to head toward the other ship to see if it was a possible rival. When they got closer, they were struck by the size of the other ship. It was as large as the Kataang--no, it was much larger. The other ship's hull gleamed a metallic black, and the crew of the Kataang could see the name of the ship clearly written on its side: the Zutara.
The captain of the smaller ship blanched as he saw the letters on the black ship. "Katara with…Zuko?"
"It appears so, sir," replied the first mate, clearly as disgusted as the captain.
"That's just wrong," spat the captain, "destroy them."
"Yes sir."
--
On the rebel ship Zutara, the crew was preparing for battle. Although their cannons were not nearly as strong as that of their rival ship, they still had a chance of beating them by sheer size and stamina. One onlooker had once commented that the Zutara would outlast even the cockroaches. As soon as the Zutara had Kataang within eyesight, half of the crew exploded into dirty whispers bad-mouthing the famous ship.
Two sailors were standing at the deck, glaring at the Kataang as if the other ship's occupants could see their poisonous stares from a thousand feet away. "They act as if their cannons are so much better than ours," one commented sourly, "but what about when Zuko tied Katara to a tree? That was kinky. Or the crystal catacombs? Remember that?"
"Yeah," replied the other, smiling at the memories.
"And Zutara has wayyyy better chemistry," the first sailor continued, "I mean, Aang's little 'onesided crush' on Katara has gotten so overrated. Am I right?"
"Totally."
The two sailors heard a wheezy cackle from behind them, and turned to see an old man sweeping the deck of the Zutara. "Our ship is steamier, too! Get it? Steam? Fire and water! Makes steam!"
The first sailor rolled his eyes. "Yes, we get it. Now go back to your job."
"Alright, I get it. No more jokes for Ole' Sweepy," the old man replied sadly.
--
Back on the Kataang, the captain was already plotting out his victory speech for when the ship returned to port after its victory over Zutara. It was long, with many flowery words and a David and Goliath metaphor. The crowds would eat it up, he decided. The captain's reverie was interrupted by the high-pitched beeping of Morse code coming from the control. He jogged over to see what the message was.
A man was hunched over the telegraph, one finger tapping on the machine while the other hand scratched out the message on a piece of paper. The captain looked over his shoulder to read the message. He assumed the first line was from the ship Zutara, and the next was what the man in front of him had replied. They seemed to have gotten into an argument already. The captain mouthed the words as he quickly read over the paper, which read as follows:
KATAANG SUX
WAT R U TALKNG ABOUT
UR SHIP IS GNG DOWN
NO URS IS
NO URS IS
KATARA HATES ZUKO
NO SHE DOSNT THEIR GNNA HAVE STEAM BABIES TOGETHER
KATARA AND AANG WILL REPOPULATE THE AIR NOMADS
WILL NOT BITCH
ASSWIPE
IDIOT
By this point, the captain had already pulled the man away from the telegraph and set him outside the control room. There always seemed to be at least one immature idiot on his ship, and he would have none of that. No, if the Kataang and the Zutara were going to annihilate each other, they might as well do it civilly.
--
The time had finally come. The two ships were closing in on each other, and were now locked in a staring contest, of sorts. The calm before the storm.
Suddenly, The Zutara went full speed ahead toward the Kataang, slamming into the smaller ship. The Kataang's hull buckled slightly, but not enough to let water into the lower decks. The captain decided it was time to bring out the big guns.
The Kataang's cannons gleamed as they peered out of the holes in the side of the ship, aiming at the Zutara. With a sound like an enormous clap of thunder, the cannons shot off, and had several hits. Even after this, both ships refused to back down.
The battle raged on for hours, and cannons lit up the night sky brighter than any star. When dawn broke the next day, the two battered ships retreated to fight another day.
The battle may have ended in a stalemate, but the war was not yet over.
--
Author's Note II: I'm a kataang shipper all the way, so I apologize if that affected how I wrote the story. I attempted to make it acceptable to both kataang and zutara shippers, so review and tell me how I did. And yes, Ole' Sweepy ships Zutara even though he's never seen Zuko. Go figure.