Disclaimer:
Me: I don't own Death Note. James?
James: Yeah, I own Death Note.
Me: Then why did L die?
James: 'Cause I hate him. *innocent smile*
Me: ...Baka!
An Interview with L and Light Yagami
James: Rin, fetch me L and Light.
Me: But you killed Light.
James: Well, get him from before that happened.
Me: PARADOX MUCH!
James: Just do it.
Me: *rolls eyes* I suppose I can try to find and AU.
James: Alternative universe?
Me: No, alternative unicorn. *leaves*
James (thinking): Well, what does that have to do with anything?
Me: Here you go, buttface. *throws Light onto floor*
James: Well, where's L?
Me: Eating cookies. He'll be here in a minute.
Light: Not you guys again.
Me: PARADOX!
James: You can't have already met us because we got you from the past before you met us. So, you couldn't have died yet, because you hadn't met us yet. Even though you have met us, but you died, but you came from the past to the future, so, technically, there should be two Lights, but your future self is dead even though you're in the future.
Light: *raises one eyebrow*
Me: But I got him from an AU.
James: Well, THAT makes sense.
L: *enters with cookies* Let us get on with this. I have a busy schedule.
Me: Yes, being L must be time-consuming.
James: Sitting there, eating, sitting there, sleeping, foiling Light's "genius" plan.
Light: I sense sarcasm.
Me: L doesn't sleep, though. He's insomniac.
L: I do have trouble sleeping.
Me: Watari probably has to drug the ice-cream.
James: Question number one.
Light: As in there's more than one?
James: Light, how dumb are you?
Light: What?
James: How dumb are you?
Light: I'm not dumb.
James: How could you fall for the Lind L. Tailor trick? It was obviously a fake!
Light: How was I supposed to know what L looked like? Unlike you, I wasn't watching everything that was happening in an anime.
Me: Yes, but why on earth would L reveal himself? He was just trying to rile you up.
L: And I succeeded.
Me: That you did.
James: SHUT UP! Can I see your Death Note?
Light: Aren't you going to ask him a question? *points to L*
James: Nervous much?
L: Everyone knows you're Kira.
Light: Fine. *hands notebook to James*
Me: L, what kind of underwear do you wear?
L: Briefs.
Me: With strawberries on?
L: No, plain white.
Me: Oh, wellz.
James: No, L wears diapers.
Me: WHAT?
James: He gets scared fighting Kira. He wants to go snuggle up to his parents—wants to snuggle with Watari. Go cry, L. Go cry to your Watari, you little baby.
Me: Is this true? *bottom lip quivers*
L: No.
Me: What underwear does Light wear?
Light: What kind of question is that?
Me: The kind I want you to answer.
James: I'm asking the questions. Which do you prefer? Pens or pencils?
Light: I suppose I use pens more.
L: Pencils.
James: You only said that because he said pens.
L: No, I truly prefer pencils.
James: Sure, sure. Well, I'm bored with this. *leaves*
Me: ...Uh, I suppose I'll do the interview then.
Light: Or we can go home.
Me: I don't like this idea.
James: *enters and sits back down* *strokes chin thoughtfully* L, do you prefer cookies or cake?
L: …
Me: He can't choose.
L: Give me a minute. ...Cake.
Me: Then can I have your cookies?
L: *gives me a cookie*
Me: *nibbles happily*
James: Why is L such a good detective?
L: Is this a joke, or are you genuinely asking?
James: I'm never genuinely asking.
L: Very well. What makes me such a good detective?
James: Women's intuition.
Light: *laughs maniacally*
L: I'm sure I'd find it humorous if it wasn't at my expense.
Me: *kicks James in the leg*
James: Hey!
Me: Can L laugh? BB laughs.
L: I suppose I just don't have much to laugh about in my line of work.
James: I-
Light: You'd think he'd be on an eternal sugar high from all the junk he eats.
James: Will-
Me: It's probably why he can't sleep.
James: Is-
L: It doesn't help, but I can't resist.
James: I AM DOING THE INTERVIEW!
Me: …
L: …
Light: …
James: The best part was the bit where you stole Misa's phone, and she was going, "Someone just touched my butt!" You were like, "This is inexcusable! I will find the culprit."
Light: I thought I was your favourite. Why do you keep praising L and calling me dumb?
James: Well... You did kill L. So, technically you're better. Yes, you got caught in the end, but you killed L first.
Me: Rem killed L.
James: Well, yeah, but Light caused it. He was also the cause of death of a Shinigami.
Me: *snicker* That's what you write next to someone's name in the Death Note. "Fred Walter. Cause of death, Light."
James: *giggles like a ninny*
L: I wonder if that would work. Would you involuntarily go and kill him?
Light: Writing my name in the Death Note would kill me, too.
Me: Two birds with one stone.
Light: Who's Fred Walter?
Me: Made him up. Just like all my other friends.
James: No, you didn't. I had to make them up for you because you're so lazy.
Me: Oh, yeah... Will Panda-san be my friend?
L: I see no reason why we can't be friends.
Me: YAY!
Light: She kidnapped you. How's that for a reason?
Me: SILENCE, YAGAMI! *throws half-eaten cookie at his head*
Light: That's disgusting.
Me: I miss my cookie...
L: *gives me another cookie*
Me: X3
James: Stop giving her cookies. She'll be bouncing off the walls all night.
Light: Well, we don't want to be around for that. Can we go now?
James: FINALLY!
Light: ...I'm not even going to say it. Can I have my Death Note back now?
James: What Death Note?
Light: The Death Note I let you look at.
Me: That was your first mistake.
Light: No, my first mistake was not whacking you over the head as soon as I saw you.
Me: Yeah... Well, I'll take you back now.
Light: Fine. Knowing my luck, I'll be back eventually.
L: We'll go then.
L and Light: *die of heart attack*
Me: *glare at James*
James: What?
Me: You killed them!
James: *looks at Death Note and strokes his chin* I see...