If Life Gives You Lemons, Don't Be A
Hentai, Make Lemonade!
The FY Cast Complains...
Skipsida: *walks out of the helicopter, microphone in hand and faces the camera* Hello, and welcome to the FY news, I am your host, Skipsida! I am here to report on the very serious incident of the FY cast has on strike! Those who have following this story will be well aware with the tale of how the cast barricaded themselves in this warehouse and refused to star in any more fanfics! I have finally been granted permission to enter and negotiate, to find out the cause of this strike. *enters the building. Straight away, she is pinned to the wall by Kouji, who apparently has been posted guard*
Tasuki: Which hentai fangirl did they send in to fucking negotiate this time?
Kouji: Skipsida.
Tasuki: Has she written any lemons before?
Kouji: I don't think so.
*there is discussion among the bishounen*
Hotohori: Let her in.
*Skipsida is escorted inside and the warehouse is barricaded behind her*
Skipsida: *nervously* Is all this security necessary? It's making the fangirls suspicious!
Nakago: *looking raggard* Never mind the fangirls, what about the fanfiction authors?
Skipsida: Come again?
Tamahome: They have hentai minds! As we speak, they probably are writing about a massive orgy in here!
Skipsida: You're having an orgy? *eyes widen*
Soi: Sadly, no, but the fangirls are sick enough to pair people up if they even BLINK in each others direction. *sobs* I do more to that to Nakago, but do they pair me up with him? No!
Tomo: Kakakakakakakaka!
Soi: Shut up, gay-boy!
Skipsida: Ah, so this is what this is all about, you're sick of being paired up?
Chichiri: More than that, we are sick of all the lemons, no da.
Skipsida: Ah.... *exhales slowly* I guess I'm off the hook then, I don't write hentai fanfics.
Chiriko: However, you have written fanfiction where my colleges and I have been forcibly partnered up and there is reference to "canoodling" between certain... bishounen.
Nuriko: *looks up* Between Hotohori-sama and I? Ooooh!
Hotohori: No, thank Suzaku.
Nuriko: Awww! But that would have been great! *glomps Hotohori* You know you want to!
Hotohori: *coughs* You have dirtied our royal regalia, Nuriko, remove yourself from our body.
Tasuki: And you wrote down that I fucked Kouji!
Skipsida: *coughs* Did you?
Tasuki: *turns red, although, with rage or embarrassment, Skipsida can't tell* Why you fucking hentai....!
*everyone turns to look at him, curiously*
Tamahome: Well, gay-boy? *smirks*
Tasuki: You *&*$&(#*&$(*#&$(*#! Rekka Shin'en! *barbeques Tamahome*
Skipsida: You didn't answer the question... *Tasuki raises the tessen* and if you do flame me, I'll write a fanfic where you have a threesome with Tamahome and Nakago!
Tasuki: *lowers the tessen, slowly* You
wouldn't fucking dare...!
Skipsida: So long as you don't flame me.
And so long as you answer the question.
Tasuki: That isn't the fucking point! It doesn't fucking matter whether I did or not, the point is, how would you like a fucking hentai story about you on the net?!
Skipsida: *smirks* Depends who I'm paired
up with!
Tasuki: With a GIRL?!
Skipsida: *smirks again* Like I said, depends
who I'm paired up with!
Tasuki *mutters* Fucking bisexual...
Skipsida: I was kidding, baka! Of course I wouldn't want to have a lemon about me on the net! *suddenly turns concerned* God, that's why you're refusing to go in fanfiction, full stop! Once you've signed a contract with an author, if they decide to write a lemon, you can't back out! Look, do you want me to help you? I'm an authoress myself and if I launch an appeal, maybe they'll stop!
Nuriko: Except for the lemons with Hotohori
and I!
Hotohori: *looks away in an "I do not
know you manner"* Nuriko, that is quite abhorrent, suggesting that the
emperor would do something so undignified in public! We forbid it completely!
That goes for all lemons which might spoil our good name!
Tamahome: *smirks* He didn't deny anything though.
Hotohori: *glares at Tamahome* As Tasuki said, that is not the point. And of course we did not partake in such ludicrous behavior. We are above such things.
Skipsida: So you've never...
Hotohori: No.
Chiriko: *meekly* Then how was Boushin born?
Skipsida: They had IVF in Ancient China?
Hotohori: *not wanting any lemons between himself and Houki* It was Taiitsukun's doing.
Houki: Hori-chan, it's not likely they'll write a lemon with us... no one ever wants to write about me! *bursts into tears and starts wailing* Why is it they want to see Nuriko paired up with Hotohori and not me?
Yui: *cynically* Because fangirls are hentai yaoi-fans who like seeing bishounen paired up.
Skipsida: *shuffles* Well, I don't do anything too weird.
Amiboshi: What about in "What if" though?
Suboshi: Aniki! She implied pairing up between Yui-sama and I!
Chiriko: But she also paired up Soi and
Chichiri!
Skipsida: It was artistic licence! Fitted
well with the unorthodox nature of the fanfic! A joke!
Yui: No one is laughing.
Miaka: They're not? *stops laughing*
Nuriko: He's a monk! She's a prostitute! That's... foul! Anyone else but HER!
Soi: *mutters* Well you're the crossdressing lady of the harem, gay-boy, at least I didn't go that far!
Nuriko: *wall angels Soi*
Skipsida: I am so sorry! *grovels* I am sorry for everything!
Miboshi: She's not all that terrible though.
Chichiri: So says the evil chaos-monk, no da.
Ashitare: Mi-chan has a point, though, don't you agree? It was quite good literature and it contained sections whereapon Miboshi, Mitsukake and Chiriko and I had actual dialogue.
Chiriko: I concur.
Mitsukake: ...
Chiriko: You can talk here, she's not an ordinary fangirl, remember? The act is for the hentai ones.
Mitsukake: *sniffles* I can't help it, I am just so overcome by emotion! *bursts into tears* I got a part... but how come no one ever writes lemons between Shouka-chan and I?
Skipsida: *confused glance at Mits* You WANT a lemon.
Chichiri: *clamps hand over Mits's mouth* No, na no da.
Skipsida: For the sake of the fangirls out there, may I ask if there is any truth behind the rumours of your relationship with Tasuki?
Tasuki: RUMOURS?! They're writing fucking HENTAI FANFICS about us!
Skipsida: *coughs* Rumours, I said. Let's just say for the moment that there is no basis behind any piece of fanfiction whatsoever.
Chichiri: No comment, no da.
Skipsida: *faces camera* It appears that there is no confirmation behind any pairing whatsoever, unfortunately.
Tomo: NO! Naka-chan and I are definately a couple!
Soi: *zaps him* Don't you wish.
Amiboshi: What I want to know is why fangirls have such a fascination with pairing up bishounen!
Suboshi: They even paired up aniki and I! That's incest! *looks traumatised* And we have to act it all out so they can write it down too, it's just disgusting!
Miaka: Think of how much we suffer when you write these things! Tama-chan and I are lucky, we don't have many fanfics about us, but what about the others?
Tamahome: *snorts* Sadly...
Skipsida: Are you saying you want more lemons?
Miaka: Ecchi! *looks shocked* I can't....! I have to be... pure!
Skipsida: Haven't you already summoned Suzaku, got married and got pregnant?
Miaka: Sorry, habit...! ^_^;;
Skipsida: What does everyone else have to say about lemons? The minor characters? Excluding a certain Byakko hentai... *smiles at Subaru who is giving her thumbs up with one hand, while clamping the other over her husband's mouth*
Houki: *sniffles* Give a chance in regular fanfics, so long as you don't write lemons.
Nakago: I think it is quite clear what you must do, Skipsida. You shall give a speech to the fangirls about how wrong they are!
Skipsida: I shall?
Nakago: *blue light starts appearing around his hands*
Skipsida: Oh yes, of course I shall! *walks
outside* Fangirls, fanboys and other otaku! Your attention please!
Fangirl: Is it true you were having an
orgy with the FY cast!
Skipsida: What?! Don't I wish!
Fangirls: *lower their magical author weapons and take a sigh of relief*
Skipsida: I am acting as a spokesperson
for the FY cast! The matter remains like this, they will leave their barricaded
refuge on one condition: less lemons about them or they will disappear
into Chichiri's kasa forever!
Fangirl: You're making that up!
Skipsida: If only... I have their statements
here, in black and white. Hotohori says it's defamation against an emperor.
With Chiriko, it's pedophilia! Same with most of the Suzaku and some of
the Seiryuu seishi, as well as the two Mikos! And with Taiitsukun, Miboshi
and Ashitare... they're the only ones who have given consent to have lemons
written about them. *clamps hand over her mouth* Damn, I've inspired you
all, haven't I? *evil grin, knowing that no otaku in their right mind would
write such a sick pairing... she hopes* They are now resuming their normal
busy schedule, thank you. *turns microphone off and sits down*
Chiriko: *walks up to her* Skipsida, I have found a problem might occur.
Skipsida: What's that, Chiriko-kun?
Chiriko: If there is a decrease in hentai fanfiction, where will all the lemons go?
*a lemonade tsunami floods through the street*
Skipsida: I think we've found out. *groans* Oh man, with that much extra sugar, the authoresses are going to go crazy... we're going to have an increase in weird-random fics... *suddenly perks up* What am I saying? That's brilliant! *cheers and starts drinking lemonade*
Chiriko: *sighs* Say what you like, fangirls
are fangirls.
Skipsida's Ravings:
^_^;;
It's weird, it's random... it's... yeah, you get the idea! It's fanfiction, fanfiction! So don't kill me! Lemons are good! *waves flag* Lemonade is tasty! *ducks the various objects being thrown at her by the various authoresses and retreats into the barricade where the seishi were hiding*
Seriously though, this idea came to me at the busstop one morning when I wondered what the seishi would actually think of the various pairing in fanfics. I also pity Houki, no one ever gives her a chance! There are a lot of characters out there who are ignored! Including Miaka, more often than not, which is a bit sad, considering she's one of the main characters. Give Mits, Ashitare, Miboshi and Chiriko a go too! And... *lists off various characters until the fangirls fall asleep*
This fanfic wasn't intended to be a rant, it was written to be a joke, so take it that way, okay? When it comes to lemons, I'm neutral. I don't like lemons which exist for the sake of being lemons, but I read them if they're in a long, decent story, which isn't advertised purely for the pairing it contains. Lemons aren't that terrible, I suppose, they just ARE!