This was prompted by an anon on tumblr, who asked, "I want angst. Please. Maybe Tina leaving her family because of the war."
This is going to be multi-chaptered to fit into more readable instalments
So I kinda started to feel some inspiration for writing something to do with the war after I watched "Dunkirk" with my little sister, and I've been thinking about both Tina's feelings if she's sent off and the entire family's too.
It was impossible to really fit it in exactly with any of my other Scamander-Children stories, but I did want to use the children I'd already created – for that reason, we're saying that the story is sort of an AU/alternate pathway to what happened after "Lay Your Body Down"… This means that only Phoenix, Linnet and Leo are born. It could have happened in the following fics/in the place of "A Glimpse of Sunlight" but it didn't…I don't know if that makes sense. Either way, I hope you enjoy.
Phoenix – 22nd June 1931 – 8-9
Linnet – 13th January 1933 - 7
Leo – 3rd March 1935 - 5
Set in 1940.
The letter arrived at breakfast on the Monday; the children were blissfully unaware of what it meant, of course, but their parents knew better upon seeing the official Ministry seal on the back of the envelope.
Newt watched silently as Tina opened the letter, her fingers trembling just the smallest amount, and he felt his heart sink into his stomach. He knew already what the letter would contain: Theseus had received one just a month beforehand, as had many others on the Investigative Team – knowing what was to come still didn't make it any easier.
He continued to study her face as she read the letter, not saying a word; just a minute later, she raised her eyes to meet his across the table – and he knew. There was nothing to say – nothing that really could be said – and they were both all too aware of that.
It was Phoenix who was the first to look up and tilt his head, seemingly confused by the sudden silence. "Mum? Dad? Everything alright?"
"We're fine," Tina said quietly, folding the letter and tucking it into the pocket of her jacket. "Everything is absolutely fine, Phoenix – go back to breakfast."
Their eldest son looked unconvinced as he reluctantly cast his eyes back down to his food; Linnet frowned and chewed her cereal thoughtfully as she looked between their mother and father, whilst Leo merely continued to attempt to make shapes with the leftover crusts of his toast. The children would need to be informed, of course, but not now – not at breakfast with the entire day ahead.
Newt held back a sigh and reached for his tea; the day was coming, he had known, he'd been expecting it…but it still didn't hurt any less.
News of another bombing in central London reached Dorset by the time Tina arrived home; Leo, being the youngest, was none the wiser regarding the war – but his older siblings had caught on by now, even if their understanding of wars were childish and uninformed.
"The paper said it was Germans," Phoenix said softly before dinner; Linnet pretended she was interested in her book, trying to block it out. "They've been bombing the Muggles… Do you think they'll bomb us?"
"No," Newt disagreed quickly, not wanting any of the children to feel frightened. "I shouldn't think so; London is a big city, Phoenix, with a great many people – we live in the middle of the country. I don't think they'll bother bombing the country."
"What about the other people?" Linnet asked, curiosity getting the better of her now. "Grindywall? Will he try to bomb us?"
Their father swallowed. "Grindelwald. No, I don't think he'll try to bomb us."
Dinner was a rather sombre affair, though none of the children knew why; they were intelligent enough to pick up on the fact that their parents were sharing oddly furtive and morose looks, but it was unclear as to what those looks meant. Even Leo seemed to realize that things were frostier than usual, and he soon took to pushing mashed up bits of potato around his plate so that he could avoid looking at the rest of the family.
After dinner had been eaten and the washing up done, it was time for the usual ritual of helping to get the creatures settled for the night; it was only once the children had raced out of the shed to eagerly attend to some of the various creatures that Newt gently slipped his hand into Tina's and cleared his throat.
"We need to talk about the letter."
"Yeah…I guess we do."
He took a deep breath before speaking again. "When are you to be…to be…"
"This Friday morning," Tina told him softly.
"But that's so…so soon."
"I'm needed, Newt," She stated, avoiding looking him in the eye; instead, she found herself gazing out over the numerous enclosures and habitats, at the children giggling in the distance as they petted some mooncalves. "They need people to fight and win the war."
Her husband hesitated beside her, clearly uncertain as to whether he should voice his thoughts to her. "Tina, love, it's not that I don't think you should be fighting, it's just that…the children."
"If the Ministry needs me to fight-"
"Our children need their mother," Newt stated, sounding pained. "I know that it's your job and your duty, and I don't begrudge you of that – but the children need you, Tina."
Tina gnawed on her bottom lip, seemingly considering this proclamation. "I know the children need me. I don't want to leave them," She admitted. "You know that I don't want to leave them, but…but I can't stand by while other people – innocent people – are dying."
He inhaled sharply, closing his eyes as her words sank in. "No, I know. I didn't expect anything less of you, really."
"I'll be fine, Newt," She tried to assure him half-heartedly. "I'm not about to break."
"No," He agreed, and he forced himself to smile weakly at her. "I know. You're the strongest person I've met, you know, even if you don't see it… I can't help but worry though-"
"Worrying means you suffer twice," Tina quipped before squeezing his hand and becoming serious once more. "Newt…while I'm gone, the kids are going to need you to be here for them; they're going to catch on about the wars sooner rather than later, and they'll need you to help them. And…" She swallowed the lump in her throat. "If something happens to me, then I need you to protect them."
Newt couldn't help but stare at her, wide-eyed by this sentiment. "Tina, don't talk like that…"
"It's true," She countered. "There's a chance it will, Newt, and we need to talk about it just in case it does. What I'm asking is that if something does happen to me and I don't come home…promise me that you'll take care of the children."
His heart ached at the thought, at the very possibility that she would not return home – that she would be lost while fighting, never to return to the children, never to return to him. "Tina…"
"Promise me, Newt," Tina repeated, voice harsh but also close to breaking – it was clear that she was only barely holding herself together.
"Of course," He agreed, though it sounded hollow to his own ears. "I promise."
She exhaled and closed her eyes, leaning in to lay her head on his shoulder; her hand was still holding onto his, and it was obvious that neither of them particularly wanted to let go. "Thank you," He heard her whisper, clearly relieved.
The children continued to play in the distance with loud giggles as they ran about; for now they were blissfully unaware of what was to come, and that was how it should have been.
The night before Tina was due to leave was a rather miserable and unhappy one in the Scamander household; all of the children refused to sleep, and both Linnet and Leo especially shed more than a few tears at the prospect of waking up to find their mother gone.
"I d-d-don't want you to go, Mummy!" Linnet sobbed, clinging to her mother's arm desperately. "Please don't g-go!"
Leo, meanwhile, had started to pull at Tina's trousers as he wailed. "D-Don't want M-Mummy to g-go!"
"I'll be back soon," Tina attempted to soothe them, managing to extract her arm from her daughter's grip. "I promise, I'll be back before you know it."
"Phoenix s-said…" Linnet sniffled and gave a small hiccup. "He said people d-die in war!"
Leo's bottom lip wobbled again. "No! No, Mummy, no!"
"It's going to be fine," Tina assured them hurriedly, and she knelt before them so that she could look them in the eye. "I'm not going until tomorrow morning – I'll still be here when you go to sleep – and I promise that I'll come in and say goodbye to you in the morning."
"A-And…" Her daughter rubbed at her eyes with her pyjama sleeve. "You'll write to us, Mummy?"
She nodded and forced herself to smile. "Of course, I will."
"Every day?"
"Well…not every day," Tina mused, tucking some hair behind Linnet's ear affectionately. "But I promise I'll write as often as I can."
Leo threw his arms around her and buried his face into the crook of her neck. "Gonna miss you, Mummy."
"I know you will," She admitted, and her smile faded away as she wrapped an arm around each of them. "I'll miss you all too."
She made sure that Linnet and Leo were both settled into their beds, pressing kisses to their foreheads and tucking them underneath their duvets, before deciding to attempt to speak to Phoenix; the oldest child had vanished after dinner, remaining remarkably silent, and she knew that it would be best to have a talk with him. She took a moment to listen as she stood on the landing, and then made her way to Phoenix's room down the hall; she could hear voices inside, and she had a strong feeling that Newt was in there with him.
True to her suspicions, her husband was sat on the bed with their eldest son and looking somewhat at a loss; both of them looked up at her as she entered the room, and it alarmed her just a bit to see that Phoenix's eyes were rimmed red.
"I think perhaps you two should have a chat," Newt decided suddenly, standing up from the bed. "I'm going to settle everyone in the case for the night."
"Alright," Phoenix mumbled, looking down at his bed sheets miserably.
The door shut behind the Magizoologist as he left, and Tina found herself staring at her son as she wondered over what to say – over what she could say. "Phoenix…"
"I don't want you to fight," He choked out suddenly, and his eyes were filling with tears. "I know that's stupid and I'm…I'm being a baby, but I don't want you to go to war."
"It's not stupid," Tina murmured, sitting down next to him and shaking her head. "Being honest, I don't really want to go either."
"Then why are you going?" Phoenix retorted, furiously scrubbing at his face to get rid of the tears. "Just tell the Ministry you don't want to go!"
She started to gnaw on her lip, heart sinking down into the bottom pit of her stomach. "It's not as simple as that, Phoenix, it's… I'm going because I know it's hopefully going to protect you: your father and I don't want you – any of you – growing up in a world where it's not safe. Do you understand?"
He sniffled. "Yeah, I do. It's just…" His face crumpled suddenly, tears streaming down his cheeks without warning. "I'm scared."
Her eldest son had never been one for crying: even as a baby, he had usually slept through the night and not woken his parents. His sister and brother were more open to expressing their emotions like this, but Phoenix didn't – perhaps because he knew, as the oldest, it was his responsibility to look after his younger siblings and set an example. To see him in this way – so upset and clearly distraught – was more than enough to prompt Tina to move closer and wrap her arms around him.
"Oh, Phoenix… I know," She murmured to him; he put up no fights, instead leaning readily into her embrace. "I'm scared too."
"But you're an Auror," He stated miserably. "Aurors don't get scared… Do they?"
"Of course they do," Tina answered, smoothing down the dark hair on his forehead and trying to remember not to lose her composure in front of him – it wouldn't help matters at all. "Aurors get more scared than you know…and I'm scared right now."
There was a lot she was terrified of: she knew that she would see horrific things while on active duty, that she would most likely see her comrades and friends die in front of her. She was frightened of Grindelwald – everyone was, there was no denying it – and of what a Muggle-madman was doing to millions of people across Europe, people like her and the children who were Jewish or otherwise 'undesirable'; there was the fear of dying, of being killed in combat if she took one wrong step, and the fear of being captured and tortured by Grindelwald's followers.
Most of all, though, she was scared that she would never see her husband and their children again – and, really, nothing terrified her more than that thought.
She had saved her tears for the bathroom, allowing herself to take a moment to cry in the privacy of the hot water. It would probably be the last shower she took for a while, come to think of it, and she should have been attempting to enjoy it for as long as she was able – but she couldn't help it because it was all too much.
Fighting was the right thing to do, Tina reminded herself, for it would help to save so many innocent lives and contribute to putting an end to this war – but that didn't mean she was happy to leave the children or Newt, by any means. She loved her family with all her heart, of course, and she didn't want to leave them – but the longer this war wore on, the more danger they would all be in. The children deserved better than to grow up in a world governed by hatred and violence, and she was willing to fight to make sure that such a thing never happened.
It didn't ease the pain at all, though: there was no telling how long she would be gone – or, even, if she would return.
By the time she had gathered her thoughts, the water had started to run cold; she turned it off before stepping out and wrapping a towel around herself. As she dressed, she tried not to think about how distressed the children had looked that evening at the prospect of never seeing her again, and she tried to rid it from her mind – thinking that way would not help at all.
It's going to be fine, Tina forced herself to think as she eyed herself in the mirror over the sink, and she splashed some cold water on her face to hide the fact that she had been crying just moments before. Of course I'll see them again – I'm not about to go down easy, for one.
No, she decided, because she would fight – not only for what was right but also because she wanted to come home and see her family again. She would come home for the children, she'd come home for Newt, and she'd make sure of it.
Her husband was still awake when she entered the bedroom and closed the door behind her, clearly waiting for her to join him. She slipped underneath the covers wordlessly before wrapping herself around him in the dark; almost immediately he did the same, his arms strong and firm as they pulled her towards him.
"Do you remember the day that we first met?" Newt asked quietly, almost to himself as he held her. "It was outside of a bank; that Second Salem woman was preaching on the steps, and I bumped straight into you…you were eating a hot-dog, and you looked rather annoyed with me." A brief ghost of a smile flitted across his face, only present a mere second before fading again. "The Niffler got loose and I chased after him: he caused more than enough trouble, of course, and you arrested me."
"Well," Tina said, the corners of her mouth twitching. "You did break the law."
He gave a small, hollow chuckle at this. "Yes, I did. Things escalated rather quickly, didn't they? One minute you were pushing me against a wall, and then the next we were trying to find several of my creatures…"
"And then you were leaving," She murmured, resting her head on his shoulder and laying a hand over his chest.
"Yes, but I came back," He reminded her softly. "I promised I would come back and I did…I even brought you my book, just like you asked."
Tina smiled fondly, though there was obvious pain behind it. "Yeah, you did."
Newt paused, clearly thinking and reminiscing to himself before speaking again. "I wanted to kiss you the moment I saw you again, Tina; I saw you waiting on the docks for me and…and I know this sounds rather silly, but I thought that you looked so beautiful, more so than I remembered – I wanted nothing more than to just kiss you. It would have been highly improper, of course, and I wasn't sure if you would feel the same way…you could have had your pick of any man, really."
"I can assure you I couldn't have," She told him sincerely. "To be honest, you were the first one who showed any interest in me and not Queenie… And I wouldn't have wanted 'any' man – it's only ever been you." When he didn't reply to this, she continued firmly. "I love you because you're you, Newt, and I mean that."
He was silent for a moment, digesting her words carefully and dwelling on them. "On our wedding night, I…I felt like the luckiest man alive to be with you, to be married to you. I know that you felt rather self-conscious that night, but to me you were – are – perfect; a part of me felt that I didn't deserve you, really, that you could do so much better but…but I will forever be glad that you chose me."
Tina had to swallow the lump in her throat at his words, forcing herself not to cry in front of him – she had to remain strong, she reminded herself, and crying would not help matters at all. "Newt…"
"That first time we made love," He continued, lost in another memory of a much simpler time. "I wanted to make sure you knew how much I love you: I wanted to cherish you, not just for that night but for all of our nights together. I know that it sounds terribly trite, but it's the truth…you've always been the most beautiful and wonderful woman in the world to me, and that won't ever change." He took a deep breath, closing his eyes; his hold on her tightened ever so slightly, bringing her closer to him. "You're everything to me, Tina, quite literally: you're my wife, the one person who I'm content to spend the rest of my life with…and you've given me children too. Three absolutely wonderful children who mean the world to me, just as much as you do. For that I'm so thankful."
She had grown quiet and still beside him, her eyes glazed over as she stared at the hand she had pressed against his chest. "You're everything to me too," He heard her murmur. "You're the first thing I see when I wake up every morning – you're the only person I'd want to wake up beside every morning…it's going to be hard, not to wake up like that anymore." When he didn't say anything, she continued on, voice trembling slightly. "I'm going to miss waking up next to you…I'm going to miss this, curling up at night together, miss how warm and safe you make me feel. I'll miss being down in the case, being with our creatures and watching you look after them…and the children." Her voice nearly broke at this. "I'm going to miss them so much it hurts, Newt…but I know that you'll look after them while I'm gone. I know that if anything happens to me then they'll have you, and…and that makes it somewhat easier."
For a moment neither of them said anything else, merely cuddled together underneath the covers – and then Tina felt her husband's body shaking against her own, heard him sniff. Before she knew it, he was crying beside her, unable to restrain it any longer; alarmed, she sat up slightly and took his face into her hands. "Newt…"
"I'm so sorry," He choked out, and for a second she thought that he might try to pull away – but then he was pressing closely into her, holding her tightly as if she might disappear before his eyes. "I've been trying to remain strong for you, Tina, I have…but I don't think I can anymore."
"It's okay," She soothed weakly, though the lump in her throat had returned. "You don't need to pretend around me – I'm here."
His breath hitched. "I know. It's just that I'm…I'm terrified, Tina; even though I've tried to tell myself that you'll come home, I can't help but think about what will happen if you don't. I know that there's no use in thinking like that at all, it won't change anything, but I can't help it – it's constantly on my mind. I…I'm so scared that you won't go back to us, that our children won't have their mother; I can't imagine doing it without you, Tina, I can't…a-and I can't imagine myself growing old without you either. Whenever I've imagined myself growing old, it's always been with you and only you."
"Oh, Newt…" Without warning, Tina could feel her own tears slowly start to fall too. "I know; I worry about that too, every day… I worry that I won't get to see them go to school," She admitted. "That I won't…won't see them grow up. I keep thinking about it, Newt: what if they have to grow up without a mother – without me? I know that you're more than capable of raising our children – more so than I am sometimes – but I want to be here…I want to see them grow up."
The thought of their children – three bright, beautiful children who she had helped bring into this world and raise – being without her made something in her chest twist painfully. If she were to be killed in action, then there was no doubt that they would be devastated and heartbroken – she was their mother, after all, and they needed her just as much as they needed Newt.
With this painfully present on her mind, she found herself burying her face into her husband's side and allowing herself to cry; Newt's shoulders shook under her arms as he failed to contain his sobs, hands reaching out for her. They sat together in the darkness, holding each other tightly – the last night that they would for an undermined length of time, and quite possibly the last time they might ever be able to.
For a few minutes, they merely wept together in the dark, the weight of what had been both spoken and unspoken hanging around them. The knowledge of their separation coupled with their shared fears seemed to unite them in this moment, for what would perhaps be their last moment, and neither of them wanted to let go – for letting go would mean moving on to uncertainty, to a future that neither of them could be sure of.
It was Tina who composed herself first, drying her eyes on her pyjama sleeve but not letting go of her husband even so; she could feel that Newt was no longer crying against her, though his quiet sniffles seemed to echo in the room. The very idea of leaving him – especially after so long spent together in every way it were possible to be together – seemed wrong and unthinkable to her. Of course, the idea of sitting by and not doing anything during the war whilst so many innocent lives were lost was also unthinkable – she had to do the right thing, even if it meant leaving her family.
"I have to do this," She found herself murmuring, half to herself as she reached for his hand. "I have to."
He inhaled deeply, allowing her fingers to thread with his own. "I know you do. I wouldn't expect anything less." She could feel his warm breath ghosting her face as he shifted, leaning his head inwards so that their foreheads were touching. "I just…I love you. I love you so much…"
"I love you too," Tina sighed, closing her eyes; his body was so solid and alive next to her, a familiar comfort that she would have to leave behind, and in that moment she wanted nothing more than to feel it for as long as she was able. "Newt… Will you make love to me? Please."
Beside her, Newt's breath hitched and his hand tightened around her own. "Oh… Yes," He agreed quietly. "Of course."
Her free hand slowly reached to cup his face as she opened her eyes, looking at him tearfully in the dark; her thumb gently brushed against his lower lip, and it was obvious that she was steeling herself, forcing herself to remain strong. After a brief few seconds wherein they merely held each other's gazes, Tina leaned in and tenderly pressed her lips to Newt's. Beside her, his body seemed to relax a tad and she felt his mouth tenderly reciprocating; she could taste the salt from his tears on his lips, could feel his misery as though it were her own, and she wanted to forget – they both wanted to forget.
Their love-making was gentle and slow that night, neither of them in a rush of any kind – neither of them wanted it to end, for the end of it meant the beginning of an uncertain future. Newt was sure to press soft kisses to her body tenderly, taking his time to worship every scar and every blemish on her skin – everything that made her his Tina; there were many things he couldn't bring himself to say, for saying them made the entire situation far too real. He was certain that there were things she was thinking but refraining from saying for the same reasons, and he didn't push her to tell him – actions spoke louder than words really.
They finished together, in each other's arms, and for a few minutes neither of them could bring themselves to move – separating would mean getting ready to sleep, and waking up would mean her leaving shortly after. Tina could feel his tears against her shoulder again, unable to hold them in, and she merely held him closer to herself – as though holding on would help.
When they finally separated, redressing in their bedclothes and settling underneath the sheets for what could very well be the last time, she pressed herself against his side and reached to take his hand in hers. Newt's hand squeezed around her own, and he had to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat.
"I'll come back," He heard her promise quietly, voice wavering only slightly. "I'll come back to you, and to our children."
There was no certainty behind this, but he knew what she meant – that she would try, that she would fight her hardest to return to them – and that was enough. His voice was hoarse as he responded. "I know you will. Don't forget, Tina, please."
"I won't."
They fell asleep slowly, pressed together and whispering reaffirmations of love as the uncertainty of what was to come loomed in the dark silence of the room ominously.