I wish she was alive. I wish she could talk to me like I talk to her instead of the constant grumbling. I miss being able to text her, phone her, Facetime her, see her face to face. I wish this damn apocalypse never happened. Well, I am sure everybody feels that way but I doubt everybody is thinking it for the same reason as me.

I have days where I am feeling down. Due to my situation, I hold my arm out towards her, and I don't know what I want more. To close my eyes and feel her hold me, or for her to bite it and turn me into one of those too. Luckily, my group, usually my father Rick, or Glenn (who is like a brother to me) pulls me back. Just before she grabs it. My father doesn't seem to understand. Perhaps because he lost my mother a long time ago. I feel like he has forgotten how to love, I feel neglected by him often. However, Glenn has Maggie, and they love eachother. He seems to understand more. I know nobody would ever fully understand though.

I can tell you a lot about her, how she used to be. However, never will I ever say her name, her name brings tears to my eyes, another dagger stabbed into my heart creating more holes that would still be full if life was normal.

She was beautiful. Not just her face, not just her body, but her heart too. She would always think happy, this included cheering me up when I was sad. Which is why life is the worst right now. I can't go to her anymore, anytime I see her all I see is death, hurt, but mostly sadness. That's the reason sometimes I load my gun, but I find it nearly impossible to raise my arm to aim it at her. I find it a lot easier to put it against my head instead. Is this a sign? Should I end it? I'm not sure what but something is telling me no.

I find myself going outside taking half of my 'meal' to her. Although you couldn't really call it a meal. All it was, was a little Robin that Daryl shot from a tree, we roasted it over a small fire.

She'd snap her remaining teeth at me, holding her arms out. It seemed like a mixture of things, either that she was starving and needed food, or she wanted to be held, but the truth was, was that she was trying to get me. I knew.

And I know the whole group knows I do it, but nobody ever mentions it, including me.

Tonight is one of those nights where I want to take the rope off from around her waist and let her free. Maybe I will.