Matrimony

Sheldon/Penny

'Yes Mother, I know you want Grandchildren, but I just don't see the point. Can't you get one of my brothers to do it? I'm extremely busy with work... And Jesus didn't have a wife and kids. No, we don't know what Jesus wanted. But I'm pretty sure it wasn't that. Besides, I have no desire whatsoever to get married, I can easily donate sperm without having the public deceleration of commitment, and find a suitable womb that- No, you didn't raise your Shelly to be a sinner. Look, I'll talk to you later, I'm extremely busy... I love you too.' Sheldon sighed, and pressed the end call button, returning his mobile to his pocket. He loved his mother, something that he never understood but had always done, as any man should, but he was getting tired of her using Jesus as blackmail. And her request this time was ludicrous.

'What did she want this time?' Leonard, his flat mate and 'friend' asked him.
'She's being absurd. She's trying to convince me that I have reached a time in my life making it inevitable for me to get married and have my wife bear children. Isn't that preposterous?'
'For you, yes.' Leonard laughed, sitting down beside him and flicking through the tv channels.
'Exactly. I neither need nor want a wife and children. I am happy where I am until I win a Nobel Prize and move to a place more suitable for my needs. It'll be great being able to pay my own rent and not having to share my living space with another person.'
'Wow, thanks Sheldon. You make me feel all warm inside.' Leonard dead panned, rolling his eyes.

It was silent for a while until Leonard voiced his thoughts. 'Maybe... Maybe your mother isn't just asking this for herself. Maybe she wants you to lead a happy and full life.'
'Well if she thinks this is what's going to make me happy, then she must have been delirious the whole time she was around me. Comic books make me happy. Other people don't.' Sheldon scoffed.
'But listen, maybe she's right.' Leonard tried to argue, but Sheldon just rolled his eyes and got up.
'Leonard, don't be idiotic.'
'I think we both know I'm far from it.'
'Right, far.' Sheldon said, then gave his little laugh.
'Look at it this way.' Leonard, said, following him to the kitchen and ignoring his previous comment. 'Your offspring have the potential to be as great as you, maybe even greater. They could be the future of science.'
'Oh now you're just being silly.' Sheldon said, fixing himself a sandwich.
'It's possible, given that you weren't brought up in a way that suggests you were going to be as smart as you are. If you brought up a child teaching him all you know, then one day he could turn out to be even more accomplished than you. And it would be all thanks to you.'
Sheldon froze. 'Interesting.'
'If you just found a suitable woman that's smart-'
'Nonsense, I don't need a smart woman, I've got enough IQ points for the both of us. I just need attractive, so my child will look good accepting a Nobel Prize. And of course, informing the world that I'm to thank for his accomplishments. All I need is a good womb and-'
'No, Sheldon, your mother wants you to get married. Have the child within Holy Matrimony.'
'I suppose having a wife would be a small price to pay for such a child. I could think of it as an experiment as well, explore the part of the human experience that has always eluded me...'
'No! Okay Sheldon, you can't treat your future wife, who ever that deluded person may be, as an experiment!'
'Fine. But I'll need someone that's suitable for my standards. Someone attractive, who can cook, knows my needs and ways, someone who can handle me and- Penny.'
Leonard was nodding until he heard Penny. Then he laughed. 'I'm sorry, did you just say Penny?'
'Yes. She's quite a suitable mate. She's attractive, good at Halo and has known and put up with me for the better part of three years. She never sits in my seat.'
'You're a crazy person!' Leonard shouted.
'No, my mother had me tested.' Sheldon said, looking up from his food. 'I know you don't have the eidetic memory I do, but is that really so hard to remember?'
'You can't marry Penny! There's no way she'll marry you!'
'I don't see why not. I saved her from her bathtub once when she slipped in the shower and fractured her shoulder. I believe in most stories the hero and the damsel in distress ride off into the sun set and get married.'
'This is real life Sheldon!' Leonard yelled, then calmed himself. 'Okay, go ask her to marry you, see what she says.'
'Don't be preposterous, I first need to build up a relationship with her.' Sheldon scoffed, sitting back on the sofa and taking a bite of his sandwich.
'Sheldon, you're a virgin for God's sake!' Leonard spat, raking a hand through his hair.
'Well then I'll just get her to engage in coitus with me.' He shrugged, and Leonard spluttered with confusion and anger until he gave up, flinging his hands in the air and storming to his room.
'Finally some peace and quiet.' Sheldon sighed, picking up his food.