A Doctor a Day Keeps the Blue-Jay Away
"Oh c'mon!" whined Mordecai, as he and his best friend Rigby stood outside the door of the city's hottest arcade and pool hall.
"Sorry sir," responded the bouncer, a hairy man with a Pancho-Villa moustache, a nose-ring, and a My Little Pony tattoo inked onto his bicep, "but my boss says I can't let people inside who don't have a valid ID or a driver's license."
Mordecai and Rigby gave themselves a face-palm and shook their heads. They would have these things, if only they were wise enough to save their money and not spend it on water balloons to chuck at old people.
Mordecai looked past the body-guard to gaze at the arcade game he was itching to play. It was a game called, "Banzai!" where you played as an American Soldier during World War II trying to shoot down Japanese Kamikaze planes before they reached the player.
"Awwww, man!" grumbled Mordecai while rolling his eyes. "But," added the bouncer, "if you had a doctor's note, then we could let you in."
"Really? Hmmm…" thought Mordecai…
"Ok then." And then they both turned away from the arcade and began walking home. "You know, Rigby. I think it's time I paid a visit to the doctor to a check-up." He said this while rubbing his hands together fiendishly.
"Wait, what doctor?" asked Rigby, suddenly getting a little concerned for his friend. He knew some doctors who weren't so…"smart".
When he said that, they strode right past a doctor's office, and it caught Mordecai's eye. The sign out on the green said,
Dr. Coati:
M.D. and T.Q.
(This meant "Doctor of Medicine" and "Total Quack").
"Hmmm," began Mordecai, rubbing his chin as he observed the sign. "Maybe I'll just do a quick check-up right here."
"Uh, this guy?" asked Rigby, pointing at the door and arching his eyebrow. "Um, Mordecai, I think I've heard of this guy. Some guy told me a man walked in there, and an hour later, and he came back out as a woman threatening to sue him."
"Ah, c'mon dude. That sounds like bull-crap. I mean, who told you that?"
"Some guy who lives in a cardboard box in an alley."
"Psssht! I'll believe when I see it." Mordecai then began walking towards the door and he said, "Now c'mon, you coming or what?"
"No way man," uttered Rigby, backing away from the office with his paws out in front of him, "I'm not going in there even if you paid me to."
Mordecai scoffed, shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fine whatever. But you're gonna hate watching me play Banzai! while you stand outside with your face pressed against the glass while some kid picks your pockets and steals that ten bucks you owe me."
So Mordecai boldly entered Dr. Coati's office, and a young woman with a rather bored expression on her face stared at a computer screen. Upon closer inspection, Mordecai noticed that she was playing solitaire..and she was losing.
"Uh, excuse me?"
Only the woman's eyes moved to see his face, and she said, "Yeah?"
"Can I have a check-up?" The woman just blinked once, and heaved a heavy sigh. She stood up and said, "Yeah, sure. Just wait here."
Mordecai just stood there for a few seconds, awkwardly just looking around at the place. It didn't seem like much. Just a white room with a few chairs, and dozens of old magazines piled up on a wooden table. Suddenly, the woman came back and said, "Please take a seat, Dr. Coati is busy with a few other patients. It might take a few hours for him to see you."
Mordecai shrugged and took a seat on one of the chairs, and he waited.
Eight seconds later…
The woman announced, "Uh, bird-man? The doctor will see you now." Mordecai stood up and he entered through the next door.
It looked like any old doctor's office. Just a bed with two chairs, a few medical utensils, a small trash can, and a box with a biohazard sign on it.
Mordecai took a seat and he waited for another few seconds, when a female fox nurse entered the room and greeted him. She sat down at a desk with a computer on it and asked, "Hello, sir. I'm going to ask you a series a questions and you just answer them to the best of your knowledge. Do you understand?"
"Yup."
"Ok then, what's your name?"
"Mordecai."
"Do you need an inhaler?"
"Well, when I was a kid, I—"
"Do you like vanilla ice-cream?"
"…wait, what?"
"Magnets…how do they work?"
" Magic, but what was that last—"
"Do you sometimes read the back of your cereal boxes just to relieve boredom?"
"…Sometimes."
"Can you say 'How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?' five times fast?"
"That doesn't even make sense!"
"Why do today when you can it put it off until tomorrow?"
"…Huh?"
"You mad, bro?"
"Well, yeah, kind of."
"Mmm-hmm…I see." She said, shaking her head a bit and typing information onto the computer. "You sound worse than we thought. It's a good thing you came here when you did. In fact, I'm amazed you're still alive."
Mordecai arched his eyebrow and asked, "What the 'H' are you…?"
"I'm going to go get Dr. Coati now, kindly wait here and don't touch anything...or I'll kick your ass." The fox nurse stood up and walked out of the room, leaving Mordecai all alone once again.
"Man," said Mordecai aloud. "This place is freakin' weird!"
After a moment or two, the door swung open and in walked Dr. Coati.
Dr. Coati was, literally, a giant anthropomorphic coati. He wore a white lab-coat with his ID around his neck. His photo on the card was also his profile pic on Facebook (him in the mirror with the camera's flash slightly obscuring his face).
Dr. Coati slowly walked in with a bucket of fried chicken in one paw, and a leg in the other. He placed the bucket on the desk where the nurse was moments ago, and he began typing in "Youtube" into the URL address and began watching funny internet videos that went viral.
Mordecai slowly looked from left to right, curious as to why the doctor hadn't yet spoken or even looked at him. Mordecai finally mustered up a little courage and opened his mouth. "Um…"
Dr. Coati gasped and jumped in his chair, making bits of mashed chickenfly out of his mouth and spray all over Mordecai. "Who the hell are you?" demanded the doctor, "How'd you get in here? Nurse! Call the cops!"
"No-no, wait!" cried out Mordecai, holding out both feathered hands in front of him as a way of surrender and to prevent the physician from doing anything rash.
Then a smirk grew on Dr. Coati's face and he said, "Pffft! The noobs always fall for that one. Gets 'em every time, heh-heh."
Mordecai's black beak hung open in astonishment. What was this "doctor" on anyway? He seemed like a joke.
"Now then, let's see who we have here." He turned to the computer and opened up the file with all of Mordecai's information. "Mmm-hmm…I see…hmm."
He turned to Mordecai and, in a slow, dramatic fashion, he put on his glasses. "So…it appears you've been diagnosed with cancer."
"What? No! No, I don't have cancer!" retorted Mordecai, shocked with what the coati had just said.
Dr. Coati stood up and patted Mordecai's shoulder and said, "Now-now, son. Being in denial won't make it go away. The first step is admitting it."
"But I don't have—"
The doctor reached his paw over towards the table and snatched up a clipboard, and he picked up a pen that said, "World's Coolest Doctor" on it in gold, capital letters.
He said, "Now I'm going to run a series of simple tests on you. You are to do exactly as I say. It will be pivotal to keep you alive. By the looks of the answers you gave my nurse, you could die any minute now!"
Mordecai's eyes widened and his beaked jaw hit the floor. Was this doctor serious? Was he really this stupid?
Dr. Coati opened the door to his office and he called out, "Assistants!" Just then, thundering footsteps came barreling through the hall. And then, three massive bunnies entered the room. One of them was a light-brown, one was gray, and the other was black and white like an Oreo cookie.
The doctor introduced them. "Mordecai, I'd like you to meet Moe, Curly, and Larry, my personal medical assistants. They are here to help me perform my jokes…er, I mean "tests" on you."
"Uh…" began Mordecai, looking up at the three huge bunnies with their bulging muscles and their two shiny-white teeth that protruded out of their mouths. They had beady little black eyes and they were flaring the nostrils of their little pink noses.
"Now then, hop on up here." Said the doctor, tapping on the bed. Mordecai nervously inched towards the bed, his eyes still on those menacing bunny-rabbits.
"Now turn your head to the right and say, 'Smeckle-dorf'." The blue-jay turned his head and repeated the word. "Um…'Smeckle-dorf'…"
Dr. Coati and his assistants covered their mouths and snickered. Dr. Coati, in the midst of giggles, shushed them and said, "I'm sorry, but can you say it one more time?"
The groundskeeper, although curious to know why they were struggling to keep back from laughing, he turned his head again. "…Smeckle-dorf."
The doctor covered his mouth with his paws to hide his huge grin and his assistants turned around with their backs hunched and snickered loudly.
Dr. Coati lowered his paws from his snout and, while fighting back laughter and with tears streaming down his face, he said, "I'm sorry…could you say it just one more time?"
Mordecai frowned and made an agitated face. Something was getting a little fishy about this test. He turned his head yet again and repeated in an aggravated tone, "…Smeckle-dorf!"
The three bunnies hippity-hopped out of there as fast as they could, and the feathered groundskeeper could hear their booming laughter from all the way at the end of the hall.
The lousy physician nodded his head, and he scribbled something on the clipboard and he stated, with an enormous grin on his face, "Very…(snicker)…good." Then, he walked towards the door and stuck his head out into the hallway and he whispered to his secretary. "Man, this guy is an idiot! See, I told you I could make a patient do anything if he was gullible enough. I won the bet. You owe me ten-thousand dollars."
"Now Mordecai, I'm going to ask you a series of questions…
"…and these will determine just how sick you are. Are you ready?"
"But doctor," began Mordecai, trying to put an end to this retarded, unnecessary testing session. "I'm not sick, I'm just here for a—"
"Have you, uh…have you ever done twenty jumping-jacks while wearing clown-shoes?"
"What the 'H'? What kind of a question is tha-"
"Have you recently operated heavy machinery in a ballerina's tutu?"
"Ok, this is getting nuts. I'm just here to-"
"Have you ever robbed a bank while wearing a pineapple costume?"
"No, but I think my uncle once did that. But-"
Dr. Coati gasped and he dropped his pen. His glasses flew off of his snout and he clamped his paw on his furry cheek. "Oh…oh man. Oh God, oh man…oh God, oh man, oh God, oh man, oh God, oh man, oh GOD! You're worse than I could have ever imagined!"
Mordecai's eyes widened and he jumped off of the bed. He reached over towards the doctor and asked, "Uh, is everything alright? You look kind of—"
"DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU DISEASED FREAK!" shrieked the good doctor, slapping Mordecai's feathery hand away from himself. He called out to his assistants. "Larry, Curly, Moe! Get this guy to ER! Stat! He needs immediate brain surgery!"
The three bunnies stormed inside wearing toxic-suits, grabbed Mordecai, slammed him onto the bed with insanely-powerful force, strapped him onto it (including his mouth shut), and wheeled him out into the hallway.
Just as the gray bunny (Larry) was about to rapidly wheel him there, Dr. Coati stopped him and yelled, "Are you mad? You'll never get him there in time!"
The bunny gazed down at Mordecai tightly strapped to the bed, with bloodshot eyes and sweat trickling down the sides of his head. The gray rabbit shrugged, raised his foot, and violently kicked the bed with all his might, which sent the bed and Mordecai flying towards the surgery room.
Mordecai landed on the hard floor, unstrapped. He slowly sat up and shook his head, and then, another huge paw grabbed him. The light-brown rabbit (Moe) threw him onto the surgery bed and buckled him down tight.
"Whoa-whoa, wait a minute!" Cried out Mordecai, nervously looking around. "I just came here to get a check-up!"
Suddenly Dr. Coati appeared out of nowhere, wearing a surgeon's clothing and all.
The fox-nurse suddenly barged in and asked, "Doctor, shouldn't you at least give him some anesthesia?"
"No time," replied Dr. Coati, standing over Mordecai, "He needs treatment now! His brain is going critical! Chainsaw, please!" And he held out his paw. The black-and-white rabbit handed him a roaring chainsaw, and the doctor put on some safety goggles.
"Mordecai, this is gonna hurt. A lot. Please don't scream a lot, my ears are sensitive. And also, you might want to close your eyes. This is gonna get a tiny bit messy."
"No, please!" begged Mordecai as the chainsaw slowly got closer and closer to his head. " I just wanted a check-up! A CHECK-UP!..."
After Mordecai finished pondering that thought, he shook his head.
"Nah," he replied to the bouncer, with his awesome tattoo and the epic moustache on his face. "I'm cool with just getting my ID." And with that, him and Rigby both turned around and headed him.
He had imagined all that could have happened going to the doctor's office. An arcade game wasn't worth accidental brain surgery.
"You know, Mordecai," said Rigby as they walked down the street, "maybe getting a doctor's note will be easy."
"No dude, too much hassle just to play some game. I mean, we could just download that game off of an emulator anyway."
"Eh, I guess so."
"But I got an idea about what we could do today." Said Mordecai smiling a little. "
Lay it on me," replied Rigby, returning that devious grin.
"Let's go to the water balloon store…"
Author's Notes: To be honest, this story has been sitting in my hard drive for almost a year now. Yes, I initially was going to upload this one right after "Selling your Soul to Santa", but I changed my mind and I wrote/uploaded "The Baking Boys" instead. I was then going to upload this one, but I wanted to remake something, so "Elevator Music!" took its place.
So, as a going-away present to all of you, I've uploaded this one and edited some jokes and added/removed stuff like spelling errors, grammatical mistakes, jokes that I deemed corny or unfunny, and stuff like that (like the My Little Pony tattoo, for example). Starting tomorrow, I'm attending college, and I most likely will not be able to write any more stories (The vast majority of this story was already pre-written, which was why I was able to whip it up so quickly). I also felt a little guilty that I didn't upload this story sooner, since I never made any stories specifically-involving Mordecai, and he's my favorite character. I suppose at the time I thought funny situations were most likely to star Rigby. But weird things can happen to Mordecai too.
Anyway, so yeah, this is probably gonna be my last story. For real this time. I hope people still read my stories. I'll most likely still be checking my email for reviews. Many thanks to all those praised my stories. I really appreciated them. I'll probably still be watching Regular Show episodes when I get the chance, and I might come on here once in a blue moon. I wish you all the best. Many thanks for your great critiques and opinions, and I hope my stories keep making you laugh. Bye. =D