There was the slightest tremor to her lips as she spoke.
"I saw him draw his weapon and fired"
"Did you announce your intention to fire if the suspect did not lower his weapon?"
"No."
Deeks opened his mouth to speak but Hetty silenced him with a look.
"Why not?"
Deeks clenched his fist as he watched Kensi draw a breath, her knuckles whitening where she grabbed the chair.
"I had been suspicious, the suspect was acting erratically all night. I saw him reach for the gun and aim it at my partner's head. I reacted."
Her tone was cool and professional, the way her hand trembled as she brushed her hair away from her face said otherwise. The suspect had pulled his gun so suddenly Deeks would have been the one lying in the morgue if Kensi hadn't reacted so quickly. Hetty looked at him and he swallowed hard as guilt pulled at his gut. If only he hadn't been distracted, he could have prevented all of this.
5 hours earlier
"They're planning another drop on Friday. McCarthy's got a new buyer and the guy's loaded."
Kensi scribbled down the information as Deeks questioned their informant. Eddie Boyle had been slowly feeding them information on a highly volatile arms dealer by the name of Samuel McCarthy for over a year now. He was small and flighty and had an affinity for money which had gotten him in trouble a while back. Now an apparent change of heart and the love of a good woman had him fighting for the side of good. Deeks scratched his head as he looked over the roughly drawn map Eddie was pointing to.
"McCarthy chose this area specifically because it's so secluded. Can't catch him on a traffic camera or some building security system."
"He's smart, we're smarter." Kensi said with a grin on her face as she patted Eddie on the shoulder.
"Do you have any idea what weapons he's moving?" She asked bending over to look at the map. Her shoulder brushed against Deeks, he didn't bother moving. They pulled all the information they could out of Eddie about the next drop and already had the location mapped out with where McCarthy's men would be stationed before they dropped him off at a bar.
"Hey when I get out of this, I'm inviting you two to the wedding." Eddie said with a grin.
"Sure, Kensi can be my plus one." Deeks grinned at her as she pulled a face.
"You can be my plus one, if I don't bring someone else." Kensi said.
"Oh that's probably better, that way you can cry all over him when you get mushy at the wedding."
Kensi scoffed "I don't cry at weddings."
"I'll bet you do, the way you cry at the ending of Titanic." He reached out dramatically "Jack... Jaaaack," and winced when Kensi punched his arm.
"You're not allowed to watch Titanic with me again."
Deeks grinned and waved to Eddie as he disappeared into the bar.
"I'm starving, burgers?" He asked, leaning back in the seat to look at her.
"Hmm no we had burgers yesterday, let's get Chinese."
Deeks wrinkled his nose "No I still can't stomach it."
They both thought of the weeklong stakeout by Yang Chow Chinese restaurant and shuddered.
"Pizza."
"Make it extra cheesy and I'll be yours forever." He said as she swung the car into traffic.
"Is that supposed to be an incentive?"
"Maybe," Deeks said with a slow grin, lazily skimming a finger along her arm.
Kensi smacked his hand away and the car swerved dangerously close to the other lane.
"Okay on second thought just get me there alive." He muttered and straightened in his seat.
They had over an hour before they needed to get back to brief the rest of the team so they tucked into a small booth and settled into one of their favorite pastimes, arguing over superheroes.
"If Tony Stark were to get in a fight with Bruce Wayne, Bruce Wayne would win hands down every time." Kensi said, gesturing with a slice of pizza.
"Are you kidding me? Iron Man is way stronger than Batman. There's no way he would win that fight."
"Okay but without the suit Tony Stark is just a regular guy, Bruce Wayne has years of martial arts training."
Deeks shook his head.
"No way Tony Stark goes anywhere without his suit, I mean would you go anywhere without it if a new villain was always popping out of somewhere to try and kill you?"
Kensi shrugged and leaned back. "Okay maybe, but that still doesn't mean Iron Man wins. Batman most likely has a trick up his sleeve. He'd probably have something to scramble the computer in Iron Mans suit and then he's just a man in a metal can."
"He could, if Iron Man didn't blast Batman to hell before he could blink."
Kensi laughed. "Yeah right, nobody sneaks up on Batman, he's king of stealth. Iron Man is all about the flash."
"Yeah well if you're the best there's no reason to go slinking around in-" Deeks was cut off by the sharp ring of his cell phone and picked it up. Eddies name came up on the screen and he frowned.
"Hey Eddie you miss me already?"
Kensi looked on in interest as Deeks listened to Eddie talking frantically on the other line.
"They moved the time of the drop." Deeks said as he stood up and tossed a few bills onto the table.
"To when?" Kensi asked, following him back to the car.
"Thirty minutes from now," Deeks said as he dialed the number to reach Eric and Nell in the OPS center.
"Wolfram speaking how may I be of assistance?"
Deeks mouth twitched in amusement.
"Eric I need you to get Sam and Callen to the drop site now. Use the map I sent to you. They're meeting in the southwest quadrant of the Long Beach Pier, tell them to take Harbor Plaza until they hit the gates and then go the rest of the way on foot."
Deeks hung up the phone as they sped back to the bar and looked at Kensi. Her face was a mask of concentration.
"He's paranoid." She said, glancing to the left before making a tight right turn that had the tires squealing. "Changing the time like that, it doesn't look good for us. Think he knows we're on to him?"
"Maybe," Deeks said, waving at Eddie to hurry when Kensi came to a halt in front the bar.
"I was lucky I overheard McCarthy's man talking about the new drop time." Eddie said breathlessly as he jumped into the car and was knocked backwards when Kensi shot back into traffic.
"Yeah, lucky for us." Deeks said, noting the way Eddie licked his lips nervously.
"Don't worry, all we need is for you to positively identify McCarthy for us and then we'll take it from there. You'll hang back while we arrest him."
Eddie nodded and rubbed a hand over his face.
"Melissa's important to me. I just want this all to be over so we can be normal."
"Normal's what you'll get if we nail McCarthy." Kensi said, glancing back at him.
Because Eddie looked a little green at the gills Deeks nudged her and gestured to the front.
"Keep your eyes on the road so we can all get there in one piece."
"Have I gotten in an accident yet? It's called defensive driving Deeks," she said as she swerved around a lumbering minivan. Deeks tugged his seatbelt tighter.
"You did almost hit the lamppost that one time."
"I was chasing down a suspect!" Kensi snapped, gunning the gas in frustration.
"Then explain the time you ran over the curb when we were getting coffee."
"Hey maybe you should stop aggravating her it's just making it worse." Eddie said from the back.
Deeks grinned as Kensi glared at him.
"Yeah real funny guys. Next time the two of you can walk."
She parked the car behind a shipping container and slipped out, closing the door quietly. The adrenaline started her blood pumping and she pulled a hair band off her wrist to tie back her hair. Deeks fingers brushed hers as he handed her a vest and her already erratic pulse skittered. He flashed a grin at her.
"Ready?" He asked as he strapped the vest tightly onto his chest.
She nodded and strapped a gun to her thigh and another into the holster at her side. Eddie was rubbing the back of his hand nervously over his mouth and she watched as Deeks laid a hand on his shoulder and talked to him in a low voice. Something about the way Eddie was acting was setting off alarm bells in her head.
"Eddie are you sure they changed the drop time?"
"I'm sure, I checked my sources." He said sincerely.
Kensi nodded and stepped back.
"We're about three rows back from the drop sight, Eric do you have a visual?"
"Yeah there's no movement, no cars."
Kensi was starting to get a strange feeling and she turned back to Deeks and Eddie.
" Something's wrong." She said looking at Deeks whose expression mirrored hers.
"Look I'm positive this is happening tonight, it's just like McCarthy to change the drop off time." Eddie said, looking desperately from Kensi to Deeks. He fiddled with his fingers near his hip and swallowed.
"I have to get this right, for Melissa." Eddie said his breath coming fast. Kensi opened her mouth to say something, her senses on full alert, when she heard the crunch of tires on gravel. She turned and peeked around the corner. A car was inching slowly towards the edge of the water.
"Eric can you get the plates?"
"Running them now." He said. Kensi watched the men step out of the vehicle and talk quietly. There was slightest whisper of sound. The brush of fabric against metal and she whipped around, her gun already sliding out of the holster.
Eddie had his gun pointed at Deeks' head. She fired without thinking and watched in horror as twin spots of red bloomed on Eddie's chest, a prefect center mass hit.
"Melissa," he whispered as he dropped to the ground.
Kensi stepped back, her blood running ice cold. Shots rang out in slow motion until she was jarred back into reality when Deeks slammed her into the shipping container, his body shielding hers as he fired at the men advancing on them.
"You good?" He hissed in her ear.
Training took over and pushed the shock to the back of her mind as she grabbed her weapon again. She took out the man who had been winging shots perilously close to her and leveled her gun at another right before Deeks took him out. Their breath was harsh in the now still night air. The squeal of tires had them both lifting their weapons.
"That's Sam and Callen, no other vehicles on site." Eric said over the com's and Kensi relaxed only to turn back around to see Eddie laying on the ground. Blood was staining his shirt and pooling around his body. She took a step towards him but Deeks' hand clamped firmly on her arm and steered her away.
"Nothing you can do now, let's go," he said kicking the gun away from the man who lay closest to them. They approached the car with weapons raised. Deeks edged in front of her and opened the car door. He turned so quickly she practically collided with him as he attempted to push her away.
"Go," he said harshly, but it was already too late. The ice cold ball in her stomach grew and she heard her own shuddery intake of breath as she looked inside the car. Eddie's fiancee was propped up against the back seat like a broken doll, a small bullet hole marred her forehead.
"He was trying to save her, that's why he tried to shoot you." Kensi said pressing a hand to her chest as it constricted.
"She could have already been dead" Deeks said, his gaze intent on hers.
"I didn't even give him a chance," Kensi whispered unable to tear her gaze from Melissa's body. "I just shot him."
"Don't" Deeks said, edging between Kensi and the body.
"I helped her pick out her wedding dress," Kensi said sucking in a harsh breath and fighting the urge to crumble right there. "She had no friends in town so-" her voice cracked, "We found a great dress, she can't wear the dress." Kensi said, numbly aware of the fact that Deeks was pushing her back towards the car. She didn't have it in her to fight him and she closed her eyes as they passed by Eddie again. Guilt weighed like a stone in her chest.
She was deathly pale and when he pushed her into the passenger side seat she rested her head back and closed her eyes. It terrified him more than if she would have burst into tears. He headed back to the scene of the shootout to find Sam and Callen walking towards him.
"Where's Kensi?" Callen asked, concern etching his face.
"She's fine, she had to take out Eddie." Deeks said, his voice a low murmur. There was a lot of death in their job, you even kind of got used to it, or at least hardened yourself to it. It was different when the death was that of someone you considered a friend. Despite his rich criminal history, at the end of it Eddie had just been a guy trying to protect the woman he loved.
"What happened?" Sam asked looking towards the car where all they could see was Kensi's silhouette.
"I don't know, we heard the car, Kensi turned around to see how many guys we were dealing with and next thing I know there's a gun to my head and Kensi fired." He shook his head and ran a shaking hand through his hair. He couldn't help but think that maybe if he hadn't been admiring just how beautiful his partner had looked with the setting sun glowing on her skin he would have noticed Eddie pulling a gun on him. Then maybe he could have wrestled the gun from Eddie's hands and his partner wouldn't have had to shoot a friend. Or it could have been him laying there with his blood seeping into the earth. He closed his eyes and swallowed the heaviness in his heart.
"Melissa's dead." He said hollowly, gesturing to the car.
Sam shook his head
"Damn" he said, his voice tinged with regret.
Although they didn't have the details yet Deeks already had a pretty good idea of what happened. McCarthy had found out Eddie was talking to NCIS and he'd threatened him with Melissa's wife, all Eddie had to do was give him two NCIS agents dead or alive, it hardly mattered, he would have killed them personally if he had to.
Callen took a hesitant step towards the car and seemed to change his mind.
"She gonna be okay?" He asked Deeks
Deeks shrugged and looked towards the car, guilt coating his throat.
"Have you ever had to shoot someone you thought was a friend?"
Callen pressed his lips together and fiddled with the strap on his gun holster.
"She's going to need someone." Was all he said before walking to the car that held Melissa's body.
Deeks phone buzzed and Hetty's picture flashed on the screen as he hit answer.
"Hey Hetty."
"How's your partner?"
Of course she already knew, he thought.
"She uh, I don't think she's doing too good." Deeks said frowning at the ground.
"I regret that I have to do this, but I need the both of you to come in for a briefing immediately. I want this situation handled before Granger gets wind of it."
"We'll be there," Deeks said and slipped the phone into his pocket as he made his way back to Kensi.
She was staring straight ahead and he could see the evidence of tears drying along her cheekbone.
"We have to head back to OPS, I need the keys." Deeks said gently. Kensi handed them over wordlessly and he pulled the car out of the lot. The silence was heavy in the car as they drove to NCIS headquarters.
Deeks laid a hand on Kensi's arm, his gaze trained on the road.
"It wasn't your fault," he said.
"I'm fine," Kensi replied, moving her arm.
Deeks resisted the urge to push and they drove the rest of the way in silence.
She could feel Deeks' eyes on her as he parked the car and because she couldn't stand the compassion she knew she would see Kensi was out of the car and walking fast to the NCIS building before he could even get out. Even with the head start he was beside her almost instantly, a silent pillar of support. More than anything she wanted to just stop and turn to him, lay her head on his shoulder and maybe even believe him when he told her it was going to be okay. The thought made her already shaky control fracture and she clenched her fist hard, nails biting into the skin of her palm. He jumped to open the door for her and she wanted to hit him for making her feel so fragile.
Hetty was waiting for them in the hallway, her lips pressed into a grim line. She gestured to one of the meeting rooms to the left.
"I think we may want to have a little privacy," was all she said before turning into the room ahead of them.
Deeks squeezed her wrist in a quick gesture of comfort as they followed Hetty into the small room. She wished he hadn't, it only made her feel weaker.
She sat numbly while Hetty questioned Deeks and they filled out the necessary forms. When Hetty turned to her she answered her questions as precisely as possible, her mind focusing only on the order of events, not the roiling emotions and guilt that accompanied them.
"Did you announce your intention to fire if the suspect did not lower his weapon?"
"No," Kensi said as Eddies face flashed in her mind.
"Why not?"
The question ripped at the composure she tried so desperately to keep. She gripped the chair tightly as she answered.
"I had been suspicious, the suspect was acting erratically all night. I saw him reach for the gun and aim it at my partner's head. I reacted."
Hetty nodded and closed the file she held.
"If you would like to take some personal time before filling in your incident report you may." Hetty said as she stood.
"I don't need it." Kensi said quickly,
"Perhaps an hour to clear your mind." Hetty said as her eyes burned into Kensi's
She nodded and walked out of the tiny room to the lockers. Guilt weighed heavily and her heart ached for the woman who would never marry the man she loved in the perfect white dress they had picked out. Eddie's face flashed into her mind again, the way the life had slowly ebbed out of his eyes as Melissa's name slipped from his lips. Kensi shook her head violently to try and clear the image from her head. It was still to fresh, too painful to deal with. All she wanted now was escape. She changed into tight running pants and a thin long sleeved top and laced up her sneakers. Her iPod was already blasting earsplitting techno when she walked out the doors of the NCIS building.
Deeks watched Kensi leave the room and met Hetty's eyes. He knew she wanted to speak with him so he waited patiently as she shuffled the files into place.
"Of all of us, I think you know best how to help your partner."
Deeks expelled a breath of air.
"I don't know what to say," he said looking helplessly up at Hetty.
"Sometimes words are not what's needed." Hetty said vaguely, looking carefully at him. The woman's eyes probed his and he shifted uncomfortably, feeling as always that she saw straight into his thoughts.
"You feel guilty." Hetty said tapping the file in her hand.
"I wasn't paying attention, if I'd been more focused Kensi wouldn't have had to shoot Eddie."
Hetty sighed and crossed her arms.
"Mr. Deeks do you always expect to be attacked by a friend?" Deeks shrugged his shoulders and scrubbed a hand over his face.
"It was all so damn fast, I barely had time to react when she shot him." Deeks said heavily. "All he wanted was to bring down McCarthy so he and Melissa could get married and have two point five kids and a dog." He shook his head humorlessly.
"We will get McCarthy, it's only a matter of time. Right now you need to go to your partner, she trusts you." Hetty said, gesturing to the door.
Deeks nodded and brushed past her to go to the NCIS training room, expecting to find his partner pummeling the bag but the room was silent and empty. Worry creased his brow and he went up to the OPS center where he found Eric and Nell chatting amiably.
"I need you to track Kensi for me." Deeks said.
Eric's brow creased. "Ah, we can't track agents unless they're-"
"Just do it Eric,"
Eric looked surprised at the slight temper behind Deeks' voice and remained where he was.
"I'm sorry." Was all he said before Nell sighed and turned to type something furiously into the computer.
"She's heading north on the bike path alongside Barnard Way at approximately nine miles per hour, suggesting that she's either running or in a very slow moving vehicle." Nell said quickly, shooting an apologetic look at Eric.
Deeks nodded briskly and looked down as his phone beeped. Nell had sent the tracking app to his phone and he could see the small square labeled 'Kensi' inching along the map.
"Thanks," he said as he headed for the car.
Kensi felt her breath searing in her chest as she pushed herself harder up the slight hill. The moonlit beach was almost empty and no one walked alongside the bike path where she ran. The cold air numbed her skin and the music blasting in her ears blocked out the sound of water hitting sand. She focused only on each line of the sidewalk, letting them hypnotize her as she ran forward. Guilt and thoughts of Eddie tried to poke in so she ran harder, trying to outrun them. Her muscles burned but she pushed on, desperate to have just a moment longer where she wouldn't have to feel. The bike came out of nowhere and she had to jump out of the way, breaking her stride and setting off her rhythm. Her breath came faster and her throat closed up so she sprinted, a pathetic attempt to hold off the sob lodged in her throat.
Tears ran warm then icy cold against her cheeks as she slowed, no longer able to keep going. A sob burst out and she clamped a hand over her mouth, mortified that she was having a breakdown in the middle of the path that ran alongside the beach. She tried again to force herself into a run, but her breath was coming too erratically and her knees began to buckle. Kensi stopped and tried to brace her hand against the low stone wall that edged the beach when a hand touched her arm. She whirled around to see Deeks saying something but the techno blasting in her ears was drowning it out. Anger had her launching herself at him but he was quick and blocked the punch. He tugged the headphones from her ears and grunted as she landed a punch in his ribs.
"Okay that's enough," he said as he pinned her arm behind her back. Kensi struggled and tried to break free of his grip but his arm was like steel clamped on hers.
"Let go!" She snapped, trying unsuccessfully to snatch her arm from his grip. He held firm.
"I'm taking you home." Was all he said as he pushed her towards the car he'd parked up the street.
"No-" her voice broke and he released her immediately, concern etched on his face. She was trembling now and humiliated at how weak she felt. His expression gentled and he reached for her.
"Come here" he whispered, tugging her closer and wrapping his arms around her. Kensi turned her face into his neck, breathing in the scent of soap and sea that always lingered on his skin. His arms were warm and solid around her. She didn't want to accept the comfort, to lean on someone else. It had been only her for so long and she was afraid of needing someone again, of being ripped to pieces when they had to go. He nuzzled her hair, reminding her so much of Monty that she smiled despite everything.
"Okay," She said against his chest and his arms slid away. His eyes were looking into hers, probing, and because she knew he could probably read her like an open book she looked away.
"I'll go home," she said walking towards the car. He walked beside her and bumped her shoulder companionably.
"America's Next Top Model marathon?" He asked.
"I didn't invite you," Kensi said, raising an eyebrow at him.
"I know, but you shouldn't be alone." He said quietly.
"I can handle it," she said even as the guilt pushed at her.
"Sure you can, but that doesn't mean you have to."
Because she still felt raw inside and the prospect of being alone with her thoughts had panic licking at her again she relented.
"Fine," Kensi said meeting his eyes "But no making fun of the models."
Humor glimmered in his eyes "Well if they didn't make it so easy I wouldn't have to. Come on, they're practically begging for it." He said reaching for the driver's door.
"What are you doing?" Kensi asked.
Deeks grinned sheepishly and handed her the car keys.
"Right, I'll just get in the other side then."
Her hand shook just a little as she started the car and she jumped when country music blasted from the stereo.
"Sorry," he said, flashing her a charming grin as he reached over to change the dial to the station they usually listened to when driving together.
"You're never driving my car again," Kensi said as she turned the car into the street. The car was silent for a long moment before Deeks spoke again.
"It's going to be okay Kens" he said, dropping a hand on her shoulder and squeezing.
She wanted to believe him, wanted desperately to feel like she hadn't made a mistake. But the fact remained, in the split second when a decision had to be made she'd reacted purely on emotion, not on training, and that would haunt her forever.
My computer has this thing about auto-correcting Hetty to "Hefty", so I apologize if I missed any and left them in the story. There will be a part two!