Happiness Doesn't Come But In its Place: _
Disclaimer: I do not own Ace of Diamond in any way whatsoever. TnT
When his name falls out from Coach's mouth, he feels as if he's falling into a bottomless pit and though he knows he should express some sort of gratitude, even bow with thanks the way Haruichi is next to him, he stands still in his spot even as others leave after the coach requests so except for the third-years. Kuramochi tackles him to the ground then but his legs feel like lead and there is a mantra resounding painfully in his head: Why? Why?! WHY? WHY?!
He forces himself up, moving woodenly out of the gym but he doesn't continue further away from the entry way after Kuramochi and the others. This is a personal moment between the coach and the third-years that much he knows, but he stands there in the shadows because this all feels wrong and no joy fills him but dread and grief. His right to be in the first string seems to close in on him with the moment he heard his name on repeat, even when his eyes had been trained on Chris-senpai's back, waiting for the name he wanted to continue to have a battery with to push forth from Coach's lips. All he knows is that it wasn't supposed to be like this.
He hears them crying from the doorway. He's not sure if he Chris-senpai has joined them but he clenches his shirt over his heart and grits his teeth. The words "I don't deserve this." ready on his tongue, his body poised to burst in before fear and his wit leave him –
"What do you think you're doing?" The words are biting and they look down on him and his grief.
"Are you going to tell them you resign?" The words taunt him in his cowardice.
"What do you think you can say to them, the third-years that didn't make the cut?" The words lay bare his inadequacy in the moment.
"There is nothing you can do except to continue to grow stronger and play for those who can't." The words make him confront the feelings of grief and the fear that this is all a nightmare. It feels like a death sentence to him but he knows that this is all he can do.
"I…I…" His words fail, tears pouring down his face. It was thanks to Chris-senpai catching his balls and making up for what he lacked that he was here now. He doesn't deserve any credit. Only Chris-senpai does.
The tears can't seem to stop even into the night. He lays there in the dark trying to stifle himself so Masuko and Kuramochi won't be bothered by him more than they already have. 'Stop it. Stop crying.' he repeats in his head until finally he collapses into the arms of slumber.
He doesn't get out of bed the next morning. He knows his eyes are caked with tears and probably bloodshot from troubled sleep. He feels the ache in his body that even rest couldn't take away. Both of his roommates have long gone to morning practice. They probably don't care much. No one here does. And with him gaining a spot on the first string, he knows the second and third-years probably hate him along with his peers. He's not afraid, just full of guilt. He deserves any and all the hatred is what he thinks.
It's during the middle of morning practice that Kuramochi approaches Miyuki.
"Oi, go do something about this!" His whole body is tense. Miyuki meets his eyes waiting for him to continue though he's sure that Kuramochi knows he knows and that well everyone else knows since one person is missing and not being his rambunctious self. Kuramochi just glares at him. Miyuki can't help but wonder why it has to be him. The issue is between Sawamura and Chris-senpai and though he can get the two to communicate with each other, he can't help Sawamura. Only Chris-senpai can. And then the rest is up to the team as the senpais to lead and support Sawamura and of course, the other two first-years. Knowing this, he still heads to exit the field because it's not right without Sawamura out there being the idiot that he usually is with his radiant positive attitude. No one knew he would take it this hard, especially him, so used to being the one Sawamura had wanted to be a battery with until Chris-senpai had slowly taken that place for Sawamura. In a way there had been no space for Sawamura in the beginning, with Furuya in the spotlight but Sawamura found a place with Chris-senpai as his mentor and then as his partner in that game. He had watched the relationship slowly grow and build in strength: the trust Sawamura had in Chris-senpai and vice versa; the development of Sawamura as a person and a baseball player in a short amount of time. Miyuki is honest and he can't deny that he wouldn't have been able to do what Chris-senpai had done for Sawamura. It leaves a slightly bitter taste in his mouth but he can do other things that Chris-senpai can't and that is understand. Because Chris probably has not realized Sawamura's pain and Miyuki remembers that same feeling when he himself took Chris' catcher position after the injury. He's still going to make Chris-senpai and Sawamura talk afterwards, Miyuki thinks, because Sawamura needs to know that he hasn't lost his mentor and partner just as he also needs to know that Miyuki is readily available because they're partners too now even if Miyuki has several other pitchers to catch for. They're all his partners to Miyuki.
Sawamura isn't stupid. He knows skipping will have major repercussions especially after Coach had placed him into the first string. All the other members will probably badmouth him during school. His stomach growls but he's not going to breakfast either. He'll wait until later to eat. It's a small price to pay. In his head he had run through possible scenarios in which he talked to the Coach and others and even to Chris-senpai. But in each he always has nothing meaningful to say. There is only one thing he can do to pay back Chris-senpai, to show respect to his senpais and peers. But the other option, born out of his self-deprecation which he had tried to erase with positivity which had fueled resentment which had made him more resilient but had kept him still self-deprecating, lay at the back of the cavern that was his mind. It's an issue he has he knows. But no one else has caught on until now probably. He can't hide behind his mask this time. It isn't right.
A knock on the door scares him. Coach probably sent someone to drag him out. He stays silent and makes no move. It's when the door swings open that he screeches in surprise.
"Well if you can make a sound like that, I guess you aren't as badly off as Kuramochi says you are." says Miyuki, lightly smirking. Sawamura can only glare slightly before his face falls. Miyuki sighs.
"Get out of bed, come on. We're going somewhere."
"Uh…I'm not feeling so well, so I don't think that's such a good idea – " Clothes whack him in the face.
"Get up." This time the tone is dead serious and Sawamura gulps knowing he has to listen. He puts clothes on quickly and rushes to the bathroom to brush his teeth with Miyuki following close behind. When he is ready, Miyuki simply grabs his arm and proceeds to drag him.
"Wait! Wait! Stop! Where are you taking me like this?!" he yells franticly but Miyuki doesn't seem to have heard. They reach the indoor bullpens. No one is around of course. Miyuki grabs a baseball and throws it at Sawamura.
"Pitch to me." he says as he puts on a mitt.
"But you don't have your protection – "
"Doesn't matter. Pitch to me."
Sawamura stands there gripping the baseball but he can't pitch. Not yet. Not here. Not like this. He'll only embarrass himself and Miyuki.
"Would you want Chris to see you like this right now?"
Sawamura jerks back as if hit. Miyuki can't feel remorse right now. He continues.
"Do you think guilt will do anything for you or him?"
Sawamura turns his head away.
"The Coach gave you a position because he believed you had what was necessary for the team. It's as simple as that. Will you betray that trust by wallowing in your emotions?"
Sawamura is shaking now and he shakes his head.
"But it doesn't feel right. That's just the way I feel. I'll get over it soon but right now I can't help but feel guilt and how insufficient I am to the team. I couldn't face everyone today. I couldn't go in bouncing around like the idiot I am." he says quietly. "Why did it have to be me? I know I'm not the only one asking that. I'm sure the senpais and my peers hate me and blame me."
Miyuki can't say anything at first to that. He realizes then that the problem is much more than the initial guilt and pain, but also Sawamura's own insecurities and demons that no one probably knew about or even cared to know.
"Then that's them. If they have the time to feel like that and complain, they should be working to get stronger so they can make the cut next year." Miyuki moves to place a hand on Sawamura's shoulder.
"And you may not feel it now but you have your senpais on the first string to back you up. We all know you deserve a spot and the Coach trusted in you so you should believe in yourself more."
Sawamura's wide eyes stare back up at him. A tear rolls down his face. He can't do anything but cry and Miyuki lets him.
"I'm going to take you out to the bullpens today after practice. We're going to be partners from now on so we should practice…And I'll make sure Chris-senpai will be there so you can show him your resolution."
"H…Hai!" sobs Sawamura. Miyuki just gives a small smile. He knows Sawamura will recover with time and that he'll learn to trust the rest of his senpais.