I often wonder what he sees in me. Oh, he'll just smile at me, listing qualities that he claims he loves about me. But I don't see them. He says he loves my loyalty. What loyalty? He says he loves my independence. He doesn't realise that without him I would probably be lost. He says he loves my persistence, my courage. I'm just plain stubborn, and an attention seeker. He says he loves my confidence. I think it's probably more arrogance than anything. He says he loves my beauty. I think he's blind
I really don't know what he sees in me. He tells me he loves me, and though I'd like to believe him, sometimes it's difficult. I stand in front of a mirror, and I stare at this ugly, twisted woman who has no scruples, doing whatever it takes to achieve her goals. No matter who gets in her way.
But I do acknowledge that I wasn't always that woman. I used to be nice, and sweet. The whole 'girl-next-door' thing, that was me. Once. It feels like a lifetime ago.
He tells me that's the woman he fell in love with, and that he sees that same person inside. I really think he's seeing things.
Because I stare at myself in the mirror, and I don't see it. I have memories of that person, but I don't see it. I hate what I see in front of me. What does he see that I can't seem to find?
Or maybe he's in love with a person who doesn't exist anymore? Who probably never really existed in the first place.
But he says it's there, and he sees it. He sees her.
And I hate her sometimes. Because I'm not that person anymore. Maybe I never was. I hate her, because I want to be her.
I just…
I know him, I know he's not the kind of man who easily places his heart in the hands of others. So, why me?
He's a smart man, so why is he wasting his time on the likes of me? It drives me crazy sometimes, because as hard as I've tried, as hard as I tried not to, I ended up falling for him. Falling in love him, wanting to spend the rest of my life with him, wanting to have his babies and all that syrupy-romance-novel stuff.
Damn him for seeing someone who never was!
Or maybe for seeing someone who could be…