Author's Note: Waz' up everyone? I'd like to start off by thanking everyone who read and or reviewed my two previous (Flashpoint) fanfic stories, "Pink No More," and "This Isn't Scooby-Doo." You guys made my day and stoked my ever faltering ego with your kind words, suggestions, and increased stats of "hits."
This is my first attempt at writing a chaptered story. Also, my previous stories are more cerebral, whereas this piece is pure humor and just for fun. I always got the impression as a kid watching MMPR that Goldar and Scorpina were a couple. I thought it would be fun to write a humorous series of stories about their attempted dates, on which the Rangers always show-up to play practical jokes on them as revenge to all of the times monster attacks interrupted their social lives (especially Tommy and Kim, the first couple I ever shipped I now realize). I am a die-hard MMPR fan (I still have an original 5 Rangers framed poster on my wall from 1993), but you have to admit that it could sometimes be a little silly. So, this is a parody piece meant to poke fun at some of those ridiculous things and have fun with the characters. There is no malicious intent in this piece. Also, I love Amy Jo Johnson's album "Imperfect" (seriously, it's an awesome album. If you like acoustic rock, you should go get it on , like right now, or rather, after reading this) and thought it would be fun to have Kim play a couple of the songs from that album. Again, no maliciousness intended in my references.
(!) is a sarcastic explanation point
I don't own or have rights to Power Rangers, Amy Jo Johnson songs, Billy Joel songs (the chapter title), Home Alone 2, Buca di Beppo, or anything else that might be copyrighted.
Being Power-Punked: A (Failed) Love Story
Chapter 1: Scenes from an Italian Restaurant
AnnouncerVoice Over: Today on The Mighty Morphine Power Rangers!
Goldar finally gets-up the nerve to ask Scorpina out. . .
Goldar: "Darrrgg. . . Do you want to get out of here? I can show you a good time. . ."
Voice Over: So they somehow 'magically' traverse the zero gravity space between the Moon and Earth to go to a "fancy-shmancy" Italian restaurant. But, they must go in disguise. . .
Goldar: "Darrrgggg. . . you look Hot. . ."
Scorpina: "Wow, like so do you! (twirling her hair) You really know how to turn a girl on. . .
Voice Over: What the! . . . Come on, that can't be what he's wearing! Seriously, these 'Evil Space Aliens Threatening Earth' REALLY aren't trying anymore. . . Duahhh, Meanwhile, the Power Rangers have other plans for their date. . ."
Tommy: "Dude, let's like, totally team-up to, like, prank them on their totally gross date! We could, like, finally get some revenge for them always screwing with our social lives!"
Jason: "Tommy, man, I think you've been spending too much time with Kim. . ."
Voice Over: "Can Goldar and Scorpina have a (albeit, WEIRD) nice date without the interference of the Pesky-Pranking-Power-Punks? Find out (if you even care. . .), Next on the Mighty Morphine Power Rangers!" [Hear Voice-Over guy smack himself in the head].
Power Rangers Season 1 credits (plus credits for Goldar and Scorpina with shots of them making Romantic googally eyes at each other)
Downtown Angel Grove at the Eye-Talian Eye Eatery (fancy-shmancy restaurant). . . in Goldar's view. . . It's actually a cheap Rip-off pizza place version of Buca di Beppo.
Goldar and Scorpina 'magically appeared,' out of the apparent ether, in the distance. The Original Rangers, plus Tommy (pre-somewhat unwarranted, yet zordon –sanctioned take-over as the team leader, a.k.a, Green Ranger days), looked-on from the lobby of the restaurant.
"Eye-Talian Eye?" Could there BEEEE a more perfect place to prank them?" Zach asked rhetorically.
"Please don't talk about B's," Billy said meekly.
"Alright guys, we got to formulate a GAME PLAN, YEAH!" Jason interjected WAY TOO Energetically, and incidentally, ignoring Billy.
"Like, OMG Jase! Chill-out! You don't have to be in 'Fearless leader' mode ALL the Freak'n time!" Kimberly stage-whisper-shouted.
"Dude, she's, like, totally, Right-On! We should just, like, play it by stereo-trophic auditory stimulation!"
"Billy man, seriously," begged Zach. "Stop trying to talk like a normal Human! It's just sorry man. . ."
"Yeah, and like, Trini's totally here to translate your weirdo-speak," Kim commented before thinking, "Not that I don't find your weird-o speak cute and, like, endearing." A perky smile lit her face at these words, signifying the need for Billy's approval.
"Like, alright, I mean, affirmative."
"And, before we leave that thought, why was the 'human' you were trying to talk like Kim? Don'thurtmeIloveyouBeautiful," Tommy stammered as Kim slapped his sleeveless shirted upper-arm, like, really, really hard.
"Shhhh, shhh, here they come! Quick, hide behind that only slightly, some-what concealing stack of menus!" Ordered Jason.
"Right! I bet they're so love-struck they won't even notice a semi-concealed line of people dressed in Ranger colors!" added Trini.
The Rangers quickly (like Ness-Quick) dove behind the stack of menus, then peeked-out to view the oncoming Evil Villains on Holiday.
"Oh my God, is that a. . . ," started Trini.
"That's just pure, frighteningly evil . . .," added Tommy.
"Yeah, that mask, like, soooo doesn't go with THAT zoot-suit," Kimberly, ever mindful of fashion, helpfully supplied.
"Whoa, check-out Scorpina. . ." gushed Zach.
"Yeah. . .," drooled Jason.
"She's hot!" Confirmed Billy as Scorpina approached in a little black cocktail dress.
"My mind just went to a scary place," a stunned Trini addressed Kim in reaction to the boys' comments.
"Raise your hand if 'EWWW'," Kim confirmed. Trini nodded her head as Tommy inclined his hand and nodded his wide-eyed head in support of his girlfriend. Kim looked pleased at his submission.
With Goldar and Scorpina
"Daarrrgggg. . . So my lady, it seems we seat our-selves, Darrrggg. . . ," replied Goldar with his best attempt at being suave (and lack of knowledge that "seat your selves" signs do not, in fact, indicate that you are patronizing a 'fancy-shmacy' restaurant; the poor Bastard). With these (ill-advised) words, he led Scorpina past the semi-camouflaged, multi-colored array of Rangers, towards a table in the center of the restaurant.
"Why, thank you Goldie," Scorpina gushed as Godar pulled-out her chair for her. "You wouldn't think you'd be such a gentleman, what with how you tend to man-handle those Power-Brats!" Scorpina seemed to conveniently forget about how in every instance of battles between Goldar and the Rangers, he invariably gets his ass-kicked before, literally, runny away with his tail between his legs. Ahhh, nascent love seems to always shield one's eyes from another's imperfections. . .
Goldar beamed at her words, although that act wasn't visible to her on account of his face shielding 'disguise'."
With the team of teen-agers-with-attitudes looking on, Goldar and Scorpina made small talk about Rita's inability to make her mouth move in accordance with the words she actually speaks. Soon, their waiter appeared at the side of their table.
"Hi, I'm Scott and I'll be DDAAAAHHHHH, Dude, What Happened To Your FACE?"
"Daarrrgg. . . uh, plastic surgery after an occupational accident, errrr."
"And the BEST template your doctors could come-up with was Richard Nixon?" the waiter questioned, because Goldar's mask was in fact a form-fitting likeness of Richard M. Nixon. "That's The Scariest Thing I've Ever Seen," Scott-the-waiter said trying to re-arrange his facial features from those of expressed dread to a rather disturbing rendition of a smile for his customers' benefit.
"I'm actually quite turned on by him right now, actually," said Scorpina redundant redundantly said.
"Rigggghhht, uhhh, sooo, can I, like, get you guys something to drink?"
"Darrgggg. . . I'll have a fuzzy-navel, while my lady will have a Bloody Mary, Darrggg. . ."
The waiter looked slightly askance at such a large man sporting the likeness of Richard Nixon and wearing a pin-striped zoot-suit ordering such a traditionally girly drink.
"And make that Bloody Mary with Extra Blood," added Scorpina before the waiter would leave.
"Uhhhh, sure thing," Scott-the-waiter responded in complete confusion to the entire sequence of events and speech that had transpired since he reached their table.
Meanwhile, back with the Rangers
"Okay guys, so who has a good prank?" Jason asked the group. Knowing he and his friends constituted the biggest group of conscientious goobers in the entirety of Southern California, he expected any suggestions to be pretty lame. Because, let's face it, punking Bulk and Skull wasn't rocket science. Good thing Zach was there to grant some immaturity.
While everyone else assumed visages of puzzled concentration, Zach took Command of the discussion. "Don't worry guys, The Zach-Man's got it covered," he said with a pride-full smirk. "So, you notice how Goldar's hair is still poking out from under that God-Awful mask?" The others nodded. "Okay, so we get Scorpina out of the way, sneak-up behind him, and stick the end of his hair into the candle on their table; he'll be running around with his hair on fire like Joe Pesci in 'Home Alone 2'!"
"Goldar with his sissy long hair on fire does sound funny," said Tommy without seeing even a hint of irony in his statement.
"But how, pray-tell oh masterful one, are we going to 'get Scorpina out of the way'? Have Drooling-Jason here ask for her number?" Trini asked with a stare towards Jason who appeared to think that that wasn't such a bad idea. Kim proceeded to smack him in the arm before his thoughts could get too disturbing.
"Oh yee of little faith," Zach continued. "We just drop a little of this magic powder into her blood-less Bloody Mary." He pulled-out a bottle of 'Lax-Max, fast acting laxative' (that, apparently, he carried around in his back pocket) and showed it to the group with a self-satisfied smile at his own daring guile.
"Yeah, but, like, how are we gonna get that into the Bloody Mary? (Gross name by the way. . . )," Kim ended in an aside.
"Perhaps it would be advantageous to devise a diversionary tactic of sorts so that we can administer the laxative agent," suggested Billy.
After puzzling through Billy's geek-speak, Jason added, "Right! Quick, Kimberly, pull-out your guitar, which you invariably tend to have on random occasions, and go on stage and play a song that they can slow dance to. . . Ummm, how 'bout that 'Puddle' song?"
"Morphine! This happens to be just one of those random occasions!" Kim exclaimed, whipping out an acoustic guitar from seemingly out of nowhere, before a look of doubt clouded her features. "Wait, won't they, like, totally be able to tell who I am?"
"Here Kim, let's switch shirts!" Trini advised. "They won't have a clue who you are in yellow!"
After Kim and Trini swapped shirts, Kim walked up to the stage and began to play a sweet, yet mournful song about not being able to find her face, except in a "puddle of grace," whatever that is. . .
As she began to play, Goldar proffered his hand to Scorpina like many of the other (most likely drunk) patrons of the Eye-Talian Eye and asked, "Daarrrgggg. . . may I have this dance my little scorpion queen, eerrrrrgggg?"
"With a face like that, how could I say no?"
As they danced by picking their feet up and down in place, like awkward 11 year-olds at a Jr. High ice-cream social dance, Zach and Jason crawled-up to their table and administered the "poison" while the others (aside from Kim who was now singing a song about wanting to be Julia Roberts; that was probably a height thing. . .) attempted to stand guard. Actually, they all appeared to just be trying to hide their giddiness about going through with such an uncharacteristically naughty plan (!).
In the course of dancing, Goldar looked-up to the stage and saw Kimberly. "Darrrgggg. . . Isn't that the Pink Power-Brat?"
"No, you gorgeous Buffoon! She's wearing yellow! And, there's no way that tinny twerp could have singing pipes like that!" Scorpina bellowed with a laugh.
"Geerrrr, how silly of me!"
"That's the truth, there are the facts. I'm a self-obsessed, little brat. Thank you everyone!" Kim finished after seeing the thumbs-up from Jason.
As she left the stage to hide with the others behind the increasingly shorter, and thus, less concealing stack of menus, she and the others caught the tail end of Scorpina's complaint to Scott-the-waiter. "Wait. You mean there's NOT actually any blood in a Bloody Mary? What a RIP!"
"No, but there's a little something special in THAT Bloody Mary sweet cheeks!" Zach exclaimed.
"Wait, what kind of 'cheeks' are we talking about?" asked Trini with a look of disgust.
"Raise your hand if 'EWWW' again," Kim responded. This time, everyone lifted their hands, for varying untold reasons.
"Guys, look! Scorpina's bolting!" Jason changed the subject before it could get any more awkward. "Time to jump into action, Yeah!"
With Goldar's head turned to follow Scorpina's unexplained dash to the ladies' room with confusion, Tommy snuck-up behind him and gently placed one of Goldar's greasy locks into the table's open flame.
It only took moments for Goldar to respond. "Darrrrgggg. . . something smells disgustingly good. . . it's also getting hot in here. Scorpina must be baAAAAKKKKK! DAAARRRRGGGGG, AHHHhhhhh!" Goldar screamed like an effeminate, puny man as he ran around the room looking for something large enough to submerge his giant, Richard Nixon clad head into.
As he finally found something to dunk into (a toilette in the men's room), the Power Rangers jumped behind his steaming head and shouted in unison "You've been Power-Punked!" before running away, practically stumbling drunkenly with mirth.
"DAAARRRGGG, I'll Get You, You Power Rangers!" Goldar shouted through his soggy and steaming rubber Presidential likeness.
Outside, the Rangers slowed a good distance from the restaurant to enjoy the results of their efforts.
"Man, that was great!" Zach coughed-out between chuckles. "That ought to teach them what it's like to screw with people's social lives!"
"Yes, but perhaps we should not pursue any further acknowledgement of Goldar's mask of subterfuge," Billy replied sobering-up.
"Yeah, with a mug like that Rita could use Goldar to frighten the world into submission," Tommy stated in fear. The others nodded knowingly. They could NOT let that happen.
Cue End Credits Music
Additional Author's Note: So, my Dad has a Richard Nixon mask, and when I was a kid it used to scare the crap out of me. I thought it would be funny to have Goldar use it as a disguise and have Scorpina turned-on by it.
Please, please leave a review and tell me what you think. Let me know if I should bother adding more chapters to this thing. Also, let me know if you have any ideas about other dates Goldar and Scorpina could go on.