"Katniss! Katniss! It's just a dream! It's just a dream!" I hear Peeta scream as I fight mutts off of his bleeding body, and suddenly it's light and I'm no longer a bloodstained mess rather than a sweating one in bed. Shaking with both fear and confusion I see a bloody Peeta to my side.
'Katniss, are you alright?" He asks as he grabs a napkin for his nose.
"I should be asking you the same thing." I reply wryly trying to rid myself of the lump in my throat. No matter what I do, I always seem to be hurting him.
"I'm fine. Just worried about you. You were thrashing like a wild animal in your sleep. Usually you don't have nightmares when I sleep with you. I guess I'm not enough to protect you anymore."
Peeta. The only reason why I've been sane these past few months is more than enough. But he can't fight off everything. I don't tell him this; instead I reach over and give him a light kiss on the cheek. I might not be good with words, but hopefully that'd translate to "Of course you are."
"Do you want me to get you a sleeping pill?" When I raise my eyebrow in an expression that suggests if he's serious or not he chuckles and wraps me in his arms again.
"This is much better." I tell him while cozying up and feeling sleep tug at me once more.
"What were you dreaming about?" He asks me, and I feel the lump once again. I know it isn't fair, he tells me everything. Let's me in when sometimes I don't even want to. But there are something's I can't let go of. I feel myself closing up, my body turning rigid and his reacts the same.
"I get it you don't want to tell me… Fine. Goodnight." he sighs and a panic rises from within my chest. I hate when the chilly air that I once welcomed drafts over us again. I've lost him more than I can stand to forces out of my hand, now when there's no one else to blame but myself I can't help but think he deserves someone better.
"I dreamt that a mutt was killing you. Tearing you to shreds and no matter how many times I shot it, it wouldn't let you go. It had the eyes of Snow… I was helpless." I shudder and feel Peeta's soft lips on my shoulder, sending goose bumps throughout my body.
"Shh, it's fine. I'm here. Thank you." He sighs and I turn my body so I could look into his eyes. His blue stare, melting with adoration, I start wondering when it is I'll be able to let go and be the same.
And that's when Gale's face flashes through my head, and another lump forms. Except this time I can't stop the tears that start to fall. I quickly brush them and get annoyed when more begin to fall. Aggravated at my foolish, leaking self I head to the bathroom before Peeta has a chance to see that I'm crying. Unfortunately he rushes right after me. It's a struggle to lock the door as he pulls, but I finally do and sit on the toilet weeping. This isn't you Katniss, I tell myself. This weak, broken bird isn't you.
And then I hear Finnick's voice telling me that even Mockingjays cry.
I woke up in the shower. Eyes puffy, face drained. I quickly brush my teeth and wash my face to no avail the marks from last night's tears don't leave. I take a deep breath and open the door only to step on Peeta.
"Peeta! What are you doing?" I lash out. Regret rushes in when I realize he stayed by the door waiting for me.
"Look I'm sorry Peeta. I just… I'm just." And then the tears flow once again. Apparently I'm meant to be a blubbering fool after everything I've gone through.
"It's ok. It's ok. I'm here," he murmurs into my hair. That's the problem. He's here. I don't deserve him; I've hurt him and Gale countless times. Who says I deserve to be happy? I deserve to live alone, unloved for the number of deaths I've caused. For those who fought when the reason why wasn't even fully clear. I deserve to die.