When Bad-Guys get Hiccups: and other Pointless Stories
Part 1, When Bad-Guys get Hiccups
Disclaimer: I own the bartender and Sephiroth, everything else is owned by Squaresoft, okay, well, I WISH I owned Sephiroth. Rated PG for a trickle of blood and some death threats.
Note: This story is based on that the reader knows the plot-line and characters of FFVII. It has some spoilers, and if you have not played the game I suggest you don't read it. This takes place at the time when Cloud has arrived at Icicle, following Sephiroth who is awaiting him at Northern Crater-when something unexpected happens....
This was it, Sephiroth could finally rid the world of Cloud; the one who had hindered his plans for the last time! Or so he thought....
Sephiroth looked at his watch; which had conveinient Materia slots I might add, "He should be here by now! I told him where I was going, practically begged him to follow me, made my passage extremely obvious, and killed his little girlfriend! How slow can he be? You'd think he was playing Snowboarding mini-games or something!"
Meanwhile; Cloud is trying to dodge conveniantly placed snowmen that look like Chocobos, and igloos. "What? I missed a balloon? Guess I'll have to walk back up and do it again. I wonder if it'll give me something cool, like a W-Item materia or something, forget about the main plot!"
Sephiroth sighed over his steepled fingers, "I guess this just gives me more time to perfect my evil plot...Muahahah -hiccup-" His eyes widened, "No! I can't be getting hiccups at a time like -hiccup- this!"
Sephiroth quickly ran through all of the things his mother had told him about curing hiccups-wait! His mother never told him anything about curing hiccups, she was too busy trying to take over the world! So, he hastily tried to think of something-anything that could possibly help. There! His items! One of them had to do something about it! He tried a potion. "There, that had to have -hiccup-...helped..." He used a Remedy. "That's supposed to relieve all status ef-hiccup-fects...grrr...." Soon Sephiroth had tried all of his items and was now on to using magic on himself. Even Ultima and Flare wouldn't stop the dratted hiccups! "Darn! Now my HP is down and I've already used up -hiccup- my items! I'm supposed to be evil, menacing and -hiccup- all powerful! It doesn't work with only 264 HP and not even enough magic to cast a measly Fire! And what's with all these exclaimation points!?!?!" Sephiroth was quite angry.
Meanwhile; Cloud is about to try Snowboarding for the 22nd time. "Hey, Cloud, how about letting me have a turn?" Tifa asks.
"No way, Chicky, this is high tech stuff, besides, I almost beat my time record!" Cloud replies.
Red XIII sighs, "Uh, Cloud, whatever happened to going after Sephiroth?"
"Who?" Cloud asks.
"Sephiroth! Main villian, told you where he was going, practiaclly begged you to follow him, made his passage extremly obvious, AND killed Aeris!" Red XIII explains, exasperated.
Cloud shrugs, "Oh, him. He can wait, I'm the main hero. No matter how many hours it takes, we'll get ther right on time, it's logic! Now move so I can get that dratted green balloon."
Sephiroth could think of only one thing that could help; he had to ask someone, and the only people nearby were those in icicle. It hurt his pride to do it, but it would hurt his pride even more if he were to execute a perfectly concocted evil scheme with the HICCUPS! He quickly transported himself south to Icicle.
Unfortunately, he was so distracted that he landed in the middle of a girl's restroom. It didn't really matter though, because there was only one girl in there, and she was too busy putting on make-up to notice. Besides, Sephiroth was prettier than her.
As he was walking out, it hit him! Sephiroth quickly turned to glare at the lamp he had just walked into. "They need to make these -hiccup- ceilings taller." he muttered to himself. He looked around to see if there were any old-lady type people that would surely know how to cure hiccups. To his dismay, this was a bar for young people and there were no old-lady types to be found.
Sephiroth Hesitantly walked over to the bartender and explained his dilemma. The bartender replied with, "Sorry, sonny, but I dinae think dat dere be anyone aboot 'ere 'oo could 'elp ye, though I kin dere was someun' dat lived 'ere quite a few years back, dat could've 'elped ye. She said she were ancient, though she dinae look old te me, but she were taken by dem ShinRa folk...her daughter might'n 'ave been able to 'elp, but she were taken by dem too."
After about ten minutes of trying to figure out what the bartender had said, he couldn't help but groan at the irony of it all. The one person who could have helped him, he had killed.... "I should have killed his other -hiccup- girlfriend." Sephiroth muttered.
Then it really hit him- another stupid ceiling lamp. Then, as if it had knocked it into his mind, Sephiroth had an idea. Cloud's other girlfriend! She might know, but where to find her...?
He looked towards the girl's restroom again and remembered. "That girl! That was -hiccup- her!" He wondered whether he should just go in again or wait for her to come out. Sephiroth was a very impatient person, so he opened the door to the restroom.
Tifa was still standing in front of the mirror, but now she was working on her hair. Sephiroth wondered if he should just ask her or force it out of her. Being an evil bad-guy, he chose the latter. He pulled the Masamune out of wherever he kept it and pointed it at her throat.
Tifa's eyes widened at the long blade that was now threatening to decapitate her. Well, actually the blade wasn't threatening her, but the person holding it was. She looked down the blade and up into the face of the one holding it. "Sephiroth!" she cried in amazement and fear, "Cloud he-" She was about to say Cloud help me, but Sephiroth had pushed the blade closer to her neck, drawing a trickle of blood.
"Now...um...-hiccup- Cloud's girlfriend whatever-your-name-is. You will tell me the cure for -hiccup- hiccups." Sephroth said threateningly, though it wasn't very threatening punctuated with hiccups. Tifa giggled a bit and then stopped when Sephiroth pushed the blade even closer.
"Er...I don't really know...I have heard of one thing...but it won't work if you know about it." Tifa explained.
Sephiroth just blinked.
Tifa was beginning to formulate a plan in her mind. "Say, if you let me go, I'll cure your hiccups, I promise."
"How do I know I can -hiccup- trust you?" Sephiroth asked coldly.
"Because I'm on the Good-Guy side!" Tifa explained.
Sephiroth thought about it. She did have a point... "Alright, I'll let you go, and you'll -hiccup- cure my hiccups. But if you don't...I'll -hiccup-kill you, but slower than...um...Cloud's other -hiccup- girlfriend, whatever her name was...." He lowered his Masamune and put it back wherever he keeps it.
Tifa nodded, trying not to laugh, and quickly ran out the bathroom door, yelling behind her, "Wait in the bar, I'll be right back!"
Sephiroth wondered why he was trusting her. Oh, that's right, she was on the Good-Guy side and they were...well...good. Sephiroth went into the bar and stood there waiting for her to come back...and waiting...and waiting.
Finally Tifa came in. She saw Sephiroth and walked over to him, seeming to look over his shoulder and nod. Sephiroth was confused and turned, but the was no one there. Tifa looked at Sephiroth and asked innocently, "Where's your sword?"
Sephiroth made to pull out his sword and tell her that if she didn't cure his hiccups right away, he'd kill her, but...IT WASN"T THERE! His sword, his beloved Masamune was gone!! "What did you do with it, you annoying girl!?!?!"
"Me? Nothing..." Tifa said innocently.
Then the door flew open and, entering dramatically, came Cloud. "Hey, It's Sephiroth!" he said, not afraid, "Just the person I was looking for! Hey, Seph, you don't happen to be missing you Masamune, do you, because I think I found it...I was snowboarding and it hit my snowboard. Man that was one big wipeout...it broke both my snowboard and your sword, I think you'll need a new one."
Sephiroth felt a cold wave of something-somethignhe had never felt before-fear. No! His Masamune, his beautiful Masamune, broken by Cloud's stupid snowboard!?! He ran over, about to strangle Cloud, when Cloud, from out of nowhere, pulled out the Masamune. The first thought that entered Sephiroth's mind wasn't 'Thank goodness it's safe' it was 'Where was he keeping it?' but then he realized probably the same place where he kept it himself. His next thought, WAS however, 'Thank goodness it's safe' and the thought after that was, 'I'm going to kill Cloud and his friends all this instant.' He grabbed his sword away from Cloud and was preparing to use it on him. "How dare you touch my beloved Masamune! You are all going to die now! I shall kill you all slower than I've ever killed anyone!"
"But we cured your hiccups! The cure to hiccups is fear!" Tifa pointed out.
That stopped him, becuase, of course, she was right...his hiccups were gone. "I was NOT afraid!"
"Then how come your hiccups are gone?"
Sephiroth glared the evillest glare he could muster. He had been afraid, and they DID cure his hiccups...that did earn them at least a few more hours of living.... He glared more and smirked a bit, before transporting himself back, leaving his voice echoing in the air. "I'll see you at Northern Crater...."
Hermionehobbit: Yay! I actually finished a story. Yes, this is the end of this short story, but there are going to be more. They will be full of randomness and not-very-funny humor. Strangely enough, I get most of my inspirations for stories from my brother or dreams. I think this one came from my brother... Well, stay tuned for more, such as When Heros get Confused, featuring some of your favorite and not so favorite characters of FFVII! x I hope you enjoyed the first installation of Pointless Stories, Please Review!
Part 1, When Bad-Guys get Hiccups
Disclaimer: I own the bartender and Sephiroth, everything else is owned by Squaresoft, okay, well, I WISH I owned Sephiroth. Rated PG for a trickle of blood and some death threats.
Note: This story is based on that the reader knows the plot-line and characters of FFVII. It has some spoilers, and if you have not played the game I suggest you don't read it. This takes place at the time when Cloud has arrived at Icicle, following Sephiroth who is awaiting him at Northern Crater-when something unexpected happens....
This was it, Sephiroth could finally rid the world of Cloud; the one who had hindered his plans for the last time! Or so he thought....
Sephiroth looked at his watch; which had conveinient Materia slots I might add, "He should be here by now! I told him where I was going, practically begged him to follow me, made my passage extremely obvious, and killed his little girlfriend! How slow can he be? You'd think he was playing Snowboarding mini-games or something!"
Meanwhile; Cloud is trying to dodge conveniantly placed snowmen that look like Chocobos, and igloos. "What? I missed a balloon? Guess I'll have to walk back up and do it again. I wonder if it'll give me something cool, like a W-Item materia or something, forget about the main plot!"
Sephiroth sighed over his steepled fingers, "I guess this just gives me more time to perfect my evil plot...Muahahah -hiccup-" His eyes widened, "No! I can't be getting hiccups at a time like -hiccup- this!"
Sephiroth quickly ran through all of the things his mother had told him about curing hiccups-wait! His mother never told him anything about curing hiccups, she was too busy trying to take over the world! So, he hastily tried to think of something-anything that could possibly help. There! His items! One of them had to do something about it! He tried a potion. "There, that had to have -hiccup-...helped..." He used a Remedy. "That's supposed to relieve all status ef-hiccup-fects...grrr...." Soon Sephiroth had tried all of his items and was now on to using magic on himself. Even Ultima and Flare wouldn't stop the dratted hiccups! "Darn! Now my HP is down and I've already used up -hiccup- my items! I'm supposed to be evil, menacing and -hiccup- all powerful! It doesn't work with only 264 HP and not even enough magic to cast a measly Fire! And what's with all these exclaimation points!?!?!" Sephiroth was quite angry.
Meanwhile; Cloud is about to try Snowboarding for the 22nd time. "Hey, Cloud, how about letting me have a turn?" Tifa asks.
"No way, Chicky, this is high tech stuff, besides, I almost beat my time record!" Cloud replies.
Red XIII sighs, "Uh, Cloud, whatever happened to going after Sephiroth?"
"Who?" Cloud asks.
"Sephiroth! Main villian, told you where he was going, practiaclly begged you to follow him, made his passage extremly obvious, AND killed Aeris!" Red XIII explains, exasperated.
Cloud shrugs, "Oh, him. He can wait, I'm the main hero. No matter how many hours it takes, we'll get ther right on time, it's logic! Now move so I can get that dratted green balloon."
Sephiroth could think of only one thing that could help; he had to ask someone, and the only people nearby were those in icicle. It hurt his pride to do it, but it would hurt his pride even more if he were to execute a perfectly concocted evil scheme with the HICCUPS! He quickly transported himself south to Icicle.
Unfortunately, he was so distracted that he landed in the middle of a girl's restroom. It didn't really matter though, because there was only one girl in there, and she was too busy putting on make-up to notice. Besides, Sephiroth was prettier than her.
As he was walking out, it hit him! Sephiroth quickly turned to glare at the lamp he had just walked into. "They need to make these -hiccup- ceilings taller." he muttered to himself. He looked around to see if there were any old-lady type people that would surely know how to cure hiccups. To his dismay, this was a bar for young people and there were no old-lady types to be found.
Sephiroth Hesitantly walked over to the bartender and explained his dilemma. The bartender replied with, "Sorry, sonny, but I dinae think dat dere be anyone aboot 'ere 'oo could 'elp ye, though I kin dere was someun' dat lived 'ere quite a few years back, dat could've 'elped ye. She said she were ancient, though she dinae look old te me, but she were taken by dem ShinRa folk...her daughter might'n 'ave been able to 'elp, but she were taken by dem too."
After about ten minutes of trying to figure out what the bartender had said, he couldn't help but groan at the irony of it all. The one person who could have helped him, he had killed.... "I should have killed his other -hiccup- girlfriend." Sephiroth muttered.
Then it really hit him- another stupid ceiling lamp. Then, as if it had knocked it into his mind, Sephiroth had an idea. Cloud's other girlfriend! She might know, but where to find her...?
He looked towards the girl's restroom again and remembered. "That girl! That was -hiccup- her!" He wondered whether he should just go in again or wait for her to come out. Sephiroth was a very impatient person, so he opened the door to the restroom.
Tifa was still standing in front of the mirror, but now she was working on her hair. Sephiroth wondered if he should just ask her or force it out of her. Being an evil bad-guy, he chose the latter. He pulled the Masamune out of wherever he kept it and pointed it at her throat.
Tifa's eyes widened at the long blade that was now threatening to decapitate her. Well, actually the blade wasn't threatening her, but the person holding it was. She looked down the blade and up into the face of the one holding it. "Sephiroth!" she cried in amazement and fear, "Cloud he-" She was about to say Cloud help me, but Sephiroth had pushed the blade closer to her neck, drawing a trickle of blood.
"Now...um...-hiccup- Cloud's girlfriend whatever-your-name-is. You will tell me the cure for -hiccup- hiccups." Sephroth said threateningly, though it wasn't very threatening punctuated with hiccups. Tifa giggled a bit and then stopped when Sephiroth pushed the blade even closer.
"Er...I don't really know...I have heard of one thing...but it won't work if you know about it." Tifa explained.
Sephiroth just blinked.
Tifa was beginning to formulate a plan in her mind. "Say, if you let me go, I'll cure your hiccups, I promise."
"How do I know I can -hiccup- trust you?" Sephiroth asked coldly.
"Because I'm on the Good-Guy side!" Tifa explained.
Sephiroth thought about it. She did have a point... "Alright, I'll let you go, and you'll -hiccup- cure my hiccups. But if you don't...I'll -hiccup-kill you, but slower than...um...Cloud's other -hiccup- girlfriend, whatever her name was...." He lowered his Masamune and put it back wherever he keeps it.
Tifa nodded, trying not to laugh, and quickly ran out the bathroom door, yelling behind her, "Wait in the bar, I'll be right back!"
Sephiroth wondered why he was trusting her. Oh, that's right, she was on the Good-Guy side and they were...well...good. Sephiroth went into the bar and stood there waiting for her to come back...and waiting...and waiting.
Finally Tifa came in. She saw Sephiroth and walked over to him, seeming to look over his shoulder and nod. Sephiroth was confused and turned, but the was no one there. Tifa looked at Sephiroth and asked innocently, "Where's your sword?"
Sephiroth made to pull out his sword and tell her that if she didn't cure his hiccups right away, he'd kill her, but...IT WASN"T THERE! His sword, his beloved Masamune was gone!! "What did you do with it, you annoying girl!?!?!"
"Me? Nothing..." Tifa said innocently.
Then the door flew open and, entering dramatically, came Cloud. "Hey, It's Sephiroth!" he said, not afraid, "Just the person I was looking for! Hey, Seph, you don't happen to be missing you Masamune, do you, because I think I found it...I was snowboarding and it hit my snowboard. Man that was one big wipeout...it broke both my snowboard and your sword, I think you'll need a new one."
Sephiroth felt a cold wave of something-somethignhe had never felt before-fear. No! His Masamune, his beautiful Masamune, broken by Cloud's stupid snowboard!?! He ran over, about to strangle Cloud, when Cloud, from out of nowhere, pulled out the Masamune. The first thought that entered Sephiroth's mind wasn't 'Thank goodness it's safe' it was 'Where was he keeping it?' but then he realized probably the same place where he kept it himself. His next thought, WAS however, 'Thank goodness it's safe' and the thought after that was, 'I'm going to kill Cloud and his friends all this instant.' He grabbed his sword away from Cloud and was preparing to use it on him. "How dare you touch my beloved Masamune! You are all going to die now! I shall kill you all slower than I've ever killed anyone!"
"But we cured your hiccups! The cure to hiccups is fear!" Tifa pointed out.
That stopped him, becuase, of course, she was right...his hiccups were gone. "I was NOT afraid!"
"Then how come your hiccups are gone?"
Sephiroth glared the evillest glare he could muster. He had been afraid, and they DID cure his hiccups...that did earn them at least a few more hours of living.... He glared more and smirked a bit, before transporting himself back, leaving his voice echoing in the air. "I'll see you at Northern Crater...."
Hermionehobbit: Yay! I actually finished a story. Yes, this is the end of this short story, but there are going to be more. They will be full of randomness and not-very-funny humor. Strangely enough, I get most of my inspirations for stories from my brother or dreams. I think this one came from my brother... Well, stay tuned for more, such as When Heros get Confused, featuring some of your favorite and not so favorite characters of FFVII! x I hope you enjoyed the first installation of Pointless Stories, Please Review!