Chapter 1

- I'm sick of you, Jasper! –said Alice, throwing an ashtray to my head. She had been like that for about three hours-. Your always talking about war and beer and chicks, but never want us to have sex! Whatever is wrong with you?

I sighed, sick of her rant, so I got up and slapped her across the face and shut her up by introducing my penis on her mouth. That would be the only way to shut her up. I had sex with her until she got unconscious and went outdoors to do something worth my time, instead of wasting it with her.

She had been quite crazy the last few days, since Edward started visiting her room more often. Id be jeaulous of him, but I knew he wouldnt do anything against me. Everyone fear me and hate me because I'm fierce and I have been on war and can do some karate. That's why I know nobody would ever mess with me. But Alice ever tryes to, and she gets the worse of me. That's why I have to sex her to sleep.

Its bin always like this. I sex her to sleep, and then I get out, and go to the cinema to see awesome war movies, thus I go to a pub to drink some bear. I drink with my friends, who are all they vampires like me, and they have lived a lot, and we talk about the times when we gave literary advice to Edgar Allan Poe and how we fought in the civil war and how we gained the liberty of Scotland. We like to reminisce about former times because we don't like ours. It is all so oppressing, and so modern, and its so hard to have a life in a world like this. So I drink beer with them every night to forget my troubles.

- Remember when I brought McLaren's to his knees by breaking his knees? –Isaac bragged, quite proud.

- Thou didst a great work with him, I daresay! –William was always like that, so cultivated and clever and intelligent. His white hair was beginning to fall, though.

- He wasnt so cocky anymore after that! –I cried, furiously hitting the table with elation-. That was AWESOME!

- Yeah, it was like when I broke that giant rock with my bare fists, only that with a human and breaking his knees instead of a rock. Also, the rock was not giant, and it was actually snow –Gillian was always trying to attract attention to himself in whatever way it was possible.

We were I the meddle of our conversation when I noticed a hot chick staring at me with lust in her eyes. Her short hair was crimson like a raging burning fire; her eyes green like the grass on the meadows of Peniston Crag that I would like to walk at autumn; her skin, as white as the milky way, or even more; and her teeth were pearls that, if gotten out of her mouth and sold in a jewelry shop, would fetch prices higher than the Everest. We went to the WC and proceeded to have sex, and it was awesome. She told me her name was Luna, and that she was new to Forks. She was always on the lookout for interesting people, but she had given up hope and didnt expect to find it in Forks. I told her that she would meet a lot of interesting people in Forks, for sure… We went to a hill nearby and saw the moonlight and the stars and I told her stories of bygone times and she told me all she had in her soul, and we departed with a passionate kiss.

When I came back to my house, I did not have enough room in my mind to think of anything but Luna, but when I entered Alice's room to sleep with her, I found Edward taking of her boots and kissing her feet! They said it was not what it seemed like, that they were not having sex, and I hit Edward hard in the face and drink the blood that came out of his wound. He promised never to do that again. As for Alice, I spanked her so hard I made her cry, until she promised never to be unfaithful to me again.