Obscenity
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Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Kishimoto Masashi does.
Rating: M for sexual references and language
Summary: Sasori dies with one last wish unfulfilled.
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"So, you got one down there, right?" Hidan asked, bored out of his mind.
The large hunchbacked figure slowly turned and regarded his seated colleague, with his head cupped in one hand and that ridiculous scythe being twirled overhead by the other.
"Have what?" He replied, feigning ignorance.
"Oh come on!" Hidan snapped back irritably, stabbing the hilt of his scythe down to the ground with a resounding bang. "You know what I'm asking. Is there anything else other than just your face that you put on that tin can of a body? You know, it.
"What age are you anyway?" Sasori muttered and signed. Annoying little man. Couldn't he just chop something when he was bored like the shark man?
"Embarrassed, eh?" Hidan sat up straighter now, with his scythe lying across his lap, all his attention on the other man. "I guess you don't have one after all." He waited for a rebuttal, but the other man said nothing. Hidan laughed. "You really don't have one! Oh, this is rich. I always knew you were a prick, but damn!"
Sasori said nothing, unwilling to drag himself down to the level of an idiot.
"Ok, next question", Hidan asked after the laughter subsided. "Did you ever get to use it?" When silence greeted him a second time, Hidan laughed even louder. "No wonder you hide behind that shell of yours all the time. The real you behind it can't do anything interesting." Hidan rose to his feet, his boredom replaced by cheeriness, while Sasori smoldered with the fires of hell around him. "See ya, Prick-less!"
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"Oh, it's you". Kakuzu said lamely. It wasn't his fault. After all, the idea of Sasori trying to interact with other people was by itself very strange.
"Yes," Sasori replied, equally if not more awkwardly. What he was about to ask of the other man would probably result in the most socially awkward situation he'd ever faced, but that idiot Hidan's comments still rankled him. "I came to ask for a favor."
"Oh?" Kakuzu replied with suspicion. Yes, this conversation really getting weirder and weirder. The puppet genius wanted something from the outside world and from him in particular? I'm surprised that gadget-lover didn't cram everything a man needs inside that tin can carcass of his.
"I know that you're highly skilled at transplanting body parts." Sasori offered. Just say it already! He berated himself for sounding so weak and indecisive. Now or later, you're going to have to ask him. Get it over with!
"I see." Kakuzu replied just as noncommittally, but inside he was laughing. So! This was what it was about, and why the normally aloof Sasori, proud that he needed no one's help had came to him. Oh, it was sweet. With great discipline, he tried to not sound too much like he was gloating when he asked, "What do you need from me then?"
"Well, I was talking with that partner of yours the other day," Sasori began awkwardly, mentally cursing Hidan's name, "anyway, he made me notice that even with an immortal body like mine, I still missed something. So I wanted to ask you to attach…"
As the puppeteer continued speaking, Hiruko's never changing mask of a face contrasting strangely with Sasori's unusually timid voice, Kakuzu wished that he had a face like that right now, listening to this incredible and shocking request. He had assumed that Sasori simply wanted a second heart attached somewhere as a backup, but this? He didn't know whether to laugh or to throw up!
"Well, I think I can do that." Kakuzu replied awkwardly, after a few seconds of silence. "What time?"
"Right now if possible. I have to go with Deidara to get the One-Tail soon." Sasori responded, glad to have finally let it all out, and that his ridiculous request was granted. Then, summoning as much menace as he could in this state, he added, "Of course, if one word of this gets back to your partner, you're dead."
"Got it." Kakuzu said without skipping a beat. Empty threat, Mr. Oh-so-High-and Mighty. Come to think of it, this entire conversation sounded like some teenager asking his first crush out on a date, with Hidan of all people as the matchmaker. Eww, this strange request has already gotten me thinking up sick shit like this. "Let's get started". And get this over with.
Kakuzu went and closed the door. "Just this once, I'm doing this for free." Kakazu admitted. "Don't get me wrong, it's just because getting paid for this feels dirty, even for me. Still, it sounds like something worth experimenting with." Kakazu then swallowed his dignity.
"Now, take off your clothes and lie on the bed." He ordered Sasori. "Next, spread your legs open so I can get to work."
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So, this is Sasori's real body, eh? Zetsu contemplated while looking down at the impaled puppet corpse. He and Tobi had arrived, finding the cave filled with the carcasses of Sasori's human puppets, like broken dolls scattered across the ground.
"Well, let's go," Zetsu said to Tobi, who was still flipping Sasori's ring, giddy that he could become part of the organization now. "We still have to find Deidara."
"Yes, sir!" Tobi shouted enthusiastically, jumping off the rock he was leaning against. He happily skipped toward Zetsu, oblivious to everything, until he tripped over Sasori's puppet arm and landed painfully in the dirt. In a panic, Tobi spread his arms, and ended up with his right hand smacking against Sasori's body, right where a normal person's groin would be.
Zetsu seemed amused.
"That mask of your again, eh?" Zetsu goaded. And then both of them heard a clicking sound from Sasori's body. Tobi jerked his hand away as he felt movement underneath Sasori's empty shell. Both of them saw the metal plating where Tobi's hand had touched open up.
"Tobi, you idiot!" Zetsu shouted. "You just activated one of his traps!" Poison gas? Flamethrower nozzle?
Like a jack-in-the box, something burst out of Sasori's "stomach" through the opening. But it was not the death-dealing trap that Zetsu feared…
"Let's see…" Tobi leaned real close to the protruding object and examined it. "It looks like a bunch of spring-launched tubes connected to this central sack thingy down there." He then wrapped his hand around one of the "tubes" and pulled it closer to his face.
"It looks like the insides of the tube have springs attached too." Tobi said as his hand tested the properties of this strange object by moving it up and down, up and down. "So the tube can extend and retract. Plus, it's made out of some sort of rubber so it's flexible." He turned to Zetsu like a student eagerly answering a teacher. "I get it Zetsu-san! This must be some kind of secret weapon to fire multiple streams of dangerous material at an enemy!"
Zetsu was not amused.
"Tobi…" Zetsu started saying as Tobi began to curiously fondle one of the "sack thingys". "Just…stop."
"Why, Zetsu-san?" Tobi asked innocently.
"I know you're a good boy and all," Zetsu told him awkwardly. "And you're not that bright, so I'll be blunt. What you're doing to Sasori's dead corpse right now is pretty much what you usually do every Tuesday night when you think I can't see you in the dark."
"…" Tobi pondered that for a minute and slowly took his hands off of Sasori's body. He then slowly stood up and walked away from Sasori's corpse. After ten deliberate paces Tobi suddenly started shouting and screaming while running around like a maniac. "Get it off! Get it off!" Tobi started scrapping his hands against the cave wall.
Zetsu took one final look at the sad and defiled corpse. "Fuck my orders, I'm not touching that." Zetsu said to himself. "Just because I'm the organization's garbage disposal doesn't mean I don't have dignity. This thing can rot." For some reason, Zetsu just couldn't take his eyes off of Sasori's obscene body. "Hmm, look at the size of that thing." Zetsu commented to himself, fascinated by something so repulsive. "It's like he just ripped it off of some bull and slapped it on.
Zetsu looked closer. "Oh…oh yeah, that's definitely from a bull, all right." Zetsu slowly backed away. "Right, I'm done with being curious now. Let's get the hell out of freak circus. Hey Tobi!"
Tobi was still sobbing loudly. "I was a good boy!" He screamed theatrically, not that any of his emotions showed through his mask. "I was such a good boy! Now I feel so used and violated and…and…" Tobi burst into tears again.
"Yeah, t-that's great Tobi." Zetsu quickly grabbed the hysteric Tobi and frog marched him out of the cave as fast as possible. He kicked puppets out of this way. "Now, the best way to cover up shame is to eat something. Therefore, we're going to find Deidara's body and eat him. You got that?"
Tobi kept sobbing about his lost innocence. "Yeah, that's great Tobi. You're already on the road to recovery." Zetsu said, not really caring about anything but getting out of the damned cave. "Eating that Deidara will definitely make m-I mean you, forget about this. I know I've never been so hungry in my life."
And thus Sasori died, a 40-year-old virgin.
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The End