Author Note: Hello there. Whenever I read D. Gray-man, I can't help but think of random parody ideas. So, yeah, here they are. Get ready for absolute bullshit XD
Disclaimer: I will never own D. Gray-man. It belongs to Hoshino Katsura.
…..
Me: What the hell? I'm not even on page one, and there's already a flying bunny, a really short kid who's hands are WAY too big for the rest of his body, a really fat guy with elf ears, and a floating piece of rock that for some reason morphs with the kid's and the fat guy's bodies. What the fuck is this series about? Okay, again with this! What does a potential rapist sitting in a throne have to do with ANYTHING? WTF THIS PAGE IS JUST THE COVER IN BLACK AND WHITE. Oh, look a table of contents! Okay, will someone PLEASE explain why the chapters are called "nights"? Seriously.
Narrator: WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP? I'M EXPLAINING IMPORTANT SHIT THAT WON'T MAKE ANY SENSE FOR ANOTHER TWO CHAPTERS.
*clears throat*
"Exorcists." They dress in scary black coats, have weird-ass deformed limbs, and give little children nightmares, but are still somehow the good guys. They were chosen by the gods to live very over-dramatic, suicide-inducing lives. *actual quote* "They exist to hunt those covered in darkness."
Me: What the fuck does that mean-
Narrator: READ THE GODDAMN SERIES AND FIGURE IT OUT.
*actual quote* "The world loves , those who destroy it." (Whatever the fuck that means…) Oh, also there's a kid who's somehow trusted with many deadly weapons.
Okay, I'm done for now. Enjoy a picture of a lady who's blonde in the manga and a brunette in the anime.
…..
Cop Guy: A lot of hobos died in that scary building over there.
Moore: Hey, Cop Guy! Look at me! "Easy, Breezy, Beautiful, CoverGirl," right? Right?
*crickets*
Moore: *sigh* Let's just go.
*Forgetting that they're about to walk into a FUCKING DEATHTRAP, they enter*
Moore: OH MY GOD, THAT CAT'S FATTER THAN… THAN…. DAMN IT I FORGOT TO THINK OF A REFERANCE BEFORE I STARTED TALKING.
Cop Guy: HOLY SHIT, WE FOUND THE BATCAVE!
Moore: AAAAHHHHH BATMAN'S KIDNAPPING ME!
Allen: Look at me I can fly!
Moore: Did you just seriously falcon punch me into a goddamn chair?!
Allen: SERVES YOU RIGHT. I'm on the goddamn cover, and I didn't even get a fucking line until page 12!
Moore: That may be true, but I'm still going to chain you up here.
Allen: *sitting in an awkward spread-legs position*
Moore: Why are you sitting like that?
Allen: Because the writers are determined to make sure I'm the star of as many rape-based fanfictions as possible.
*gunshots*
Moore: HOLY SHIT, DUDE. Nobody said that this job was actually going to be DANGEROUS! I'm getting the hell out of here.
Allen: What about me?
Moore: Fuck you! You can just die for all I care!
Allen: It's more likely that I'll get raped by fangirls than that I'll die…
Moore: Whatever *runs downstairs*
Cop Guy: *dying* Why…. Was I such… an unimportant character?... *crumbles to dust*
Allen: *Appears out of nowhere and gags Moore* BITCH, YOU LEFT ME UP THERE TO GET RAPED. SUFFOCATE, ALREADY!
…..
Moore: *Wakes up in a very fanservice-y position*
Cop Guy 2: Go watch Allen get interrogated by a fat guy!
Fat Guy: JUST ADMIT THAT YOU DID IT!
Allen: The one time that I DIDN'T do it, and you're blaming me….
Fat Guy: STOP STALLING AND ADMIT IT.
Allen: Seriously, I kill stuff for a living and the only stuff the cops accuse me of are the deaths of unimportant characters that I've never even seen!
Me: JESUS CHRIST, STOP RANTING AND EXPLAIN THE DAMN PLOT. We're on page 23, and I still understand NOTHING.
Allen: UUUUGGGGHHHHH. Fiiiine. So, pretty much, I'm an orphan who got ditched by my Master. My left arm is a weapon and I use it to kill these scary demon things called "Akuma." I traveled from Europe to Great Britain just so I could join something called the "Black Priesthood" or "Black Church" or "Black Order" (since the writers have some allergy to sticking with one name throughout the entire series) that is dedicated to destroying and killing stuff, yet is somehow a trusted Religious organization. Our overall goal is to take down that fat guy who was on the cover.
Me: ….. Oh….
…..
Moore: Hey, Allen, meet Mark. He was going to marry my sister, but she somehow managed to be in the EXACT spot that a chandelier thingy fell on, so she died, and Mark became a vegetable.
Allen: And I care WHY? *Eye gets all scary*
Moore: HOLY SHIT, DUDE. YOUR EYE HAD RINGS ON IT!
Allen: *singing* "If you liked it than you should've put a ring on it!"
Moore: Now is NOT the time.
Mark: *Explodes into gray spherical monster thing with guns.*
Moore: OH MY GOD. Seriously, wtf? Were the writers high or something? I mean, who the hell would come up with THAT design for a monster machine thingy?
Mark: STOP INTERRUPTING MY SCENE! *shoot s at her*
Allen: *catches the bullet and starts flying backwards*
Moore: At least I'm safe…
Allen: LIKE HELL YOU ARE! *grabs her waist, taking her with him. They "coincidentally" crash into the Batcave Church*
Moore: WHAT'D YOU BRING ME FOR?!
Allen: BECAUSE THERE'S ONLY LIKE 10 GIRLS IN THIS ENTIRE SERIES! I CAN'T LET YOU GO YET!
Moore: Oh my god, you caught the bullet? How?
Allen: Well, for one thing, it's as big as a fucking football, so it wasn't that hard….
Mark: *breaks in* GRRRRR I'M ON MY MAN PERIOD, SO I'M GOING TO KILL THE POLICE FORCE! *shoots them*
Allen: ….. darn.
Moore: Just kill the stupid thing! This chapter has been going on for 45 pages, and I want to leave already!
Allen: But there's a flashback!
Moore: Can't we just skip it? We already explained the entire thing earlier.
Allen: Just shut up and watch.
*flashback of a dumb bitch getting her ass killed and of Mark having the Millennium Earl (because who WOULDN'T trust a face like that?) turn her into an Akuma*
Moore: Okay, now kill the damn thing!
Allen: *his arm gets all big and metallic and scary.* PREPARE TO BE BITCHSLAPPED! *stabs Mark with his hand, killing him*
Moore: So…. Wait… that's it?
Allen: Pretty much.
…..
Me: I'm still confused.
Narrator: DID YOU EVEN READ THE CHAPTER?
Me: Yes. It was just a bunch of dramatic screaming and unimportant characters being killed. And the last page was just useless facts about Allen.
Narrator: Well…. Uh…. SHUT UP.
…..
End of Chapter 1
So yeah, I always have a hard time thinking up parody jokes for Chapter 1. Things might get better…