What Mr. Smith's Teacher Application Didn't Say
He says that his name is Chris Smith, but we know that's not true. He tried to hide it, but he gave himself away. What follows is the account of how our seventh grade class exposed Rex for what he is: an undercover spy. His name is Spike, but he is called Rex, and he works for the Russian Mafia.
It all started with a simple confiscation of a CD player. It was the middle of Social Studies class, when we heard the music playing. A student by the name of Caleb Johnson brought the noise to Mr. Smith's attention. Mr. Smith then proceeded to search the bag from which the noise was coming. Once he had located the offending CD player, he confiscated it, saying, "Well, that's that." And he proceeded on with class.
But Johnson was smart (well, sort of), and he could tell that Mr. Smith's search-and-confiscate routine seemed much too practiced for a seventh grade teacher. "You know, Mr. Smith, you do that so well. Do you do that very often?"
Johnson meant it as a joke, but Mr. Smith seemed defensive.
"Oh, defensive, are we?" another student, David Greene, said. "I bet you have a secret life where you confiscate things all the time."
"Yeah, that's right," Johnson added. "He's an undercover spy!"
By now Mr. Smith seemed more than defensive; he seemed downright nervous. He tried to distract the class by using a classic teacher line, "All right, calm down. We have to finish this lesson."
"Why are you acting so worried, Rex?" asked another student named Brad Wilson, trying out a code name. "Are you afraid we might discover something?"
"Yeah, Mr. Smith," Johnson chimed in. "What are you hiding?"
"Nothing!" Mr. Smith shouted. "I have nothing to hide! What makes you think I'm hiding something?"
The class noticed that Mr. Smith was sweating.
Another student, Tyler Macintyre, started to figure it out. "I bet 'Mr. Smith' isn't even your real name!" Macintyre claimed. "I bet it's just a cover-up for your real name."
"Yeah," Smith said. "His real name isn't 'Chris', it's 'Spike'!"
"How'd you know that!" Mr. Smith demanded. "What makes you think my name is Spike? My name isn't Spike, it's Rex! I mean… It's Mr. Smith, not Rex! I mean, it's Mr. Smith, not Spike!"
"Yeah, he's probably working for the Russian Mafia. The adoption of his kids was just a clever cover-up for what he was really doing in Russia!" Johnson added.
Greene, who had been searching through his wallet for something, suddenly stood up. "Look, I even found one of your secret identity cards. Your code name is on here," Greene announced. "It's…" Greene examined the card. "It's Putt!" Greene ran over to Mr. Smith and handed him the card.
Mr. Smith examined the card. "Hey! Where'd you find that?" he asked Greene.
"I found it on your podium after class last week."
"What were you doing on the podium?" Mr. Smith demanded. "You're not supposed to be there!"
"Adam was in the podium again, and I was looking for him. I decided to steal one of the white board markers, but Adam knocked the podium over, and I found this card in the mess," Greene explained.
"No one was supposed to see this! I thought I left it in my desk with the other… stuff. How did it get on the podium?"
"Oh, sorry," Johnson said. "That was my fault. I accidentally knocked your desk over while I was chasing Adam and the stuff in your desk kind of fell everywhere. Except for this card, which flew ever so nicely and landed on the podium."
"I thought things looked out of order…" Mr. Smith said. "You didn't happen to see anything in my desk… did you?"
"No. What was in there?"
"Nothing," Mr. Smith said a bit too quickly. "Just your, um, report cards. I don't want you to see them until I hand them out next week."
"But mid-quarter was just last week."
"I, uh, decided to hand them out early."
"What!" cried a young student named ElfLuver13. "I haven't had time to bring up my math grade yet!"
"Bummer," said BlondeRebel14, crossly.
"And I thought our homeroom teachers were supposed to hand out our report cards," Agent047 pointed out. "Why do you have them?"
"Mr. Booker wanted me to, uh, proofread them," was Mr. Smith's pathetic explanation.
The already cross BlondeRebel14 said, "Why would you want to proofread our worthless report cards if they're already finished?"
"I… well, I… um… It's not your problem." By now, the students could tell that Mr. Smith wasn't as normal as they thought he was (not that they ever thought he was completely normal, but now he was starting to seem even weirder than before).
"You do have a secret life!" Johnson came right out and accused Mr. Smith. "Your name is Spike, but you have two code names: Rex, and Putt."
"Yeah," Greene agreed. "And you are in charge of the Mafia!"
"All right, all right! I confess!" Mr. Smith cried, dropping to his knees. "I am an undercover spy! I do work for the Mafia! I knew you would find out one day, but did that day have to be today?"
"Well, look on the bright side. At least we found out now and not next year, when we're in Washington DC, where the President would also find out," BlondeRebel14 said.
Mr. Smith looked around the room with a horrified expression. "You won't tell the President, will you?" he sobbed. "No one can know! Not even the other homeroom! They are the ones I have been sent to spy on! Kyle and Todd and Abbey are the ones who need surveillance! Please, do not share my secret!"
"If we promise, will you tell us everything?" Macintyre asked.
"Yes, yes!" Mr. Smith cried. "I'll do anything!"
"All right then," Johson said. "We won't tell anyone anything. But you have to tell us all your secrets!"
Mr. Murphy stood up. "All right. I'll tell you."
This is what he told us:
Mr. Murphy is an undercover spy, and also the head of the Russian Mafia. His name is Spike, but his Russian code name is Rex. When he is in America, he is called Putt. Sometimes, he is called 'Rex the Enforcer', especially when he practices a branch of martial arts called Rex-Kwon-Do. Mr. Murphy is also responsible for putting BlondeRebel14's Uncle Stan in prison in Russia. He has been involved with Japanese kamikazes on many different occasions.
We later found out that Mr. Smith has a gang when he was fingerprinted for a CSI investigation. He was one of the prime suspects in a kidnapping crime.
Yes, we seventh-graders have brilliant minds. Brilliant enough to send an undercover spy to his knees, begging for our mercy. Who will we expose next? Mr. Boyd? Miss Jenny? Mrs. Riley? Or could it be Lois, the bus driver?
We are already working on finding clues that will eventually lead to the exposure of our next victim.
The End
Editor's note: The names have been changed from the original names. The rex-kwon-do my old homeroom class got from the best movie in the world Napoleon Dynamite. Also thank you to putt-putt gold centers, and the C.D. player of the older 8th grader. I would also like to thank Agent047 for helping my type this at 1 in the morning one night when we got high on Mountain Dew and Root Beer.