Time slows to a pause as you shut your eyes allowing tears to flow down, betraying the self-control you are so well known for. You rarely cry but this time the pain is so excruciating that you have no choice. Because the reality of it is, you really don't. Ironic really. The girl who boasts the freedom she's given is still tied down by the ropes of expectations. And it was these ropes that were bringing you down and taking you away from what you needed the most: the freedom to love.
The pain shoots through your heart like a quick arrow, quick but not quick enough. The pain stings as numbness begins to settle into your body, prickling at you as it spreads up and down. Your heart begins to sink because you know the truth. You know what you have to do. And what's worse is that you aren't just hurting yourself. You're hurting her too.
But you would do anything to protect her from the cruel world that condemned what you knew was right, and prevented you from being the person you really were. It was a sacrifice you had to make to keep her safe from the closed minded society that surrounded you. And it's weird to hear coming from you because the truth is that normally, she's the one saving you.
And how did they expect you to be safe if they took away the one thing that made you feel secure? She took away all the pain that you kept within you with every smile she gave you and every hug you received. You didn't mind giving all of yourself to her because you knew it was worth it. She was worth it. And why should they blame her for doing this to you when in fact, THIS was all of you. And if it weren't for her you wouldn't be the person you were today. She made you do better. She took away all the poison from your life and replaced it with the love you always needed. Without her, you would be lost.
Without her you would feel lost, just like how you felt now. Empty, sore, aching in the dark without anything to strive for. She was the inspiration you needed, the muse that was always there. Life was cold, empty and dark without her. There was nothing but…the past.
By taking her away from you, they stripped you; naked of everything that you held on to, everything that was important, and everything you wanted to keep because she held it together. She was the glue in your life, holding you down, keeping you together.
They made you feel abnormal and weird as if you didn't belong to this perfect world amongst everyone else. And what was it that defined their idea of 'perfection'? This idea of being like everyone else never really suited you. You were always different from day 1 and you didn't need her to tell you that, yet they blamed her for being the person you always were. And was this person really different? No, you weren't. Nothing had ever changed. The only thing that happened was you found love. You found love in a way that people wanted to find but could never. This love was founded because you weren't searching, in fact you didn't even see it at first.
You know that it's love. This feeling or bond that you have is undeniably the thing that people like to call love. And it's not just this strong infatuation or attraction. It's one big beautiful mess. A mess you like to call, love. And to prove that whatever you felt was genuine and true, you didn't feel the need to label it. In fact, heck why not, you didn't even have to call it love. You just knew whatever you had between you was true and it was something that you didn't find everyday. This was something people searched for all their life. There are people who crave for what you have, but never get it. There are people who go to the extremes to find something they'd like to define as "love" but truly it isn't. You know it isn't because if the world truly knew what love was, they would understand. If the world truly felt love like you did, then people would not oppose. Not even the people who supposedly understand you the most. Not even your family.
And because there is so much pain there is only one thing to do. You grope around the room, fumbling and crawling in the dark until your hands find the familiar figure you look for. The cold metal is welcomed into your palm as your shut your eyes tightly. If she knew, she would be disappointed. Clean for a year and then this. But she would never find out, because you couldn't see her. Not anymore.
The blade tickles your skin gently as it teases stroking back and forth. You're scared but you want to release the pain. You want to unleash the demons within you to show them what they've done and the result of taking her away from your life. You turn to the only friend you have left. Shay. You name your blade Shay. Lovely. Yes, because you needed one Shay in your life.
Shay teases your wrist gently as lingers and hovers above you not really putting any force and it reminds you of Carly just before she kisses you. Your last kiss lingers in your mouth and mixes with the tears that can't seem to stop. She plunges in quickly and with one stroke all you see is red.
Ridiculous you know but you can't help but smile. Blood oozes down your wrist as you hold it up not wanting a drop to fall on the floor. Red was the color of passion and in your mind this was an act of passion. Somewhere and somehow in that twisted little brain of yours, this was the way you said I'm sorry. This was how you were going to keep her in your life. Because in a way that you can't understand, it channels you back to her as she looks down at you disappointed and you can't help but smile. It's the last time you'll see her face and it saddens you. The last time you will ever see her face is in your mind.
The voice inside your head tries to calm down as her words form in your head.
"I'll always love you Sam, no matter what," she promised. And you promised her the same. You weren't going to stop loving her. You just couldn't do it because you knew it put her in danger. And again, you wanted nothing to hurt her.
"Don't worry cupcake. I won't let them hurt you. I won't let them bring you down the way they have with me," you said silently.
She could live her life the way in the way she wanted to without worrying because she was safe. No one knew about her. Everyone knew about you. Again ironic, since it was her who was always sure, who was more…well…comfortable with the idea of being…what they called…different. You promised her you weren't different and that you would fight for her. Here you were fighting for her right to be the person she is.
She was perfect. Carly Shay was perfect. She didn't need everyone to start looking at her differently just because of this. You wanted her to have a normal life. She deserved to be who she wanted to be. This was right. This wasn't wrong. But it seemed that you two were the only ones who thought about it this way. You need to escape. All you had left to remind yourself of her was red, the blood, the passion, the proof that you tried to fight for her. You fought for the right to have her. You lost. But she would be safe. You needed that for her. You needed to know that for yourself.