~*~*~

Darkness fought its way to consume the light of the moon and the stars but just this hot night; it would cease and lay the battle down to a victorious full moon. The soft, warm wind guiding the clouds away from this night's exposure of nature's true beauty.

And in the midst of this forgotten miracle, there was a yard filled with bright green grass and forgotten blue and yellow flowers and one that did not fit this charming painting of nature.

A black rose. In full bloom, velvet petals surrounding a beautiful heart yet protected fiercely by thorns. Not to be touched, only to be craved.

But every occurrence may not seem what it is to be, what is told.

The rose was the shape of a blonde Air Force Colonel; Samantha Carter. As she lay there on the grass, dressed in only short shorts and a silken top, her hand held loosely around a glass filled with dark liquor.

There was no one else but her and a bottle of sweet nothingness. To help her forget but not forgive.

What if we lived our lives in regret? What if we make the wrong choices in this short life? What if….

Sam couldn't think anymore and frankly she didn't care.

The white rays of the moon was the only thing that somewhat soothed her; caressed her warm skin. The grass tickled her bare legs and arms. It was so quiet.

She felt so alone, so lost. Why wasn't he here? Why didn't she have the nerve to go to him and tell him that she needed him; wanted to share her life with him before it was too late.

What was she afraid of? She knew Jack loved her….

Did he?

Groaning and fighting against a sob, she took the glass and gulped the last of the alcoholic liquor down until she felt it burn its way down. She was gonna regret this in the morning but….

The bottle standing in the grass, waved her over and she filled up her glass yet again.

She didn't care. All she wanted was to be understood, to be loved.

To have someone to take her hand and pull her up. But she was falling and there were no wings to rescue her. She'd lost them along the way of life. Life isn't always fair and it's hard and cruel. And somewhere along that path, the path she'd chosen, she found it hard to keep fighting.

She was tired of fighting and as she felt the light breeze warm her skin, yet not clear her mind, she looked up at the sky to count the stars wondering how many lonely people were doing the same thing; wishing.

Wishing is good, wanting is okay but what if it turns to need? It scared her. It frightened her to feel how much she wanted Jack; needed him.

She had loved Pete…or had she? Was it not mere a try for a normal life? To prove that she was normal, that she could live a normal life. To punish herself for something she could not have?

She had cared for Pete but deep down she knew it was not love.

There was one man she loved, craved for. And craving was not a word Sam had ever used. Not even in her own mind or her wildest desires.

The words in her mind weren't making any sense. Feelings started to overwhelm her, crashing down on her as she realized…knew…Jack would be the only one she'd really love.

Emptying her glass, she felt herself slip into a drunken haze; a delirium where she wanted to cry and laugh, dance and sleep, scream and find silence.

To be held and left alone.

She was drunk and she didn't care. Never had she let herself go like that. That wasn't Sam Carter. Samantha Carter was always in control; of herself, her work, her emotions…

And for once, just this once, she wanted to lose control.

't Was just her, the moon and the night as it reached out its dark, comforting arms and embraced her, she let herself slip and smiled as a tear found its way down her cheek onto the grass. And it fooled her.

A loud creaking sound in the house alerted her, as she slowly pushed herself to a half sitting position and listened intently to the obvious footsteps coming towards her. Someone had come through her front door and walked directly to her backyard.

Why wasn't she going inside? Why wasn't she grabbing her gun? Where was her gun?

She couldn't think clearly. She was lost.

Lost to unfulfilled dreams and to a world that had burdened her.

~*~*~

We all break down sometimes and it's not always pretty to see or to know

and just this once, Sam's having a breakdown.

And for those wondering why the heck I choose to let Sam drink in this fleeting moment;

she's only human.

I'm also looking for a beta-reader :)

I'll be posting the second part tomorrow evening. Let me know what you think of it.