My name is Brittney Von la Lederhosen and I am a pixie. I have white-blonde hair and large blue eyes. I've never had a zit on my face and I love the color pink. I hate those stupid gothic kids, they are so…scary. Hilary Duff is my lifelong role-model I'll love her for the rest of my life. She is so pretty and cool. Anyway, I was walking down the hall and I saw Ebony and Draco Malfoy (GOD I HATE him.) They were walking and I couldn't help but think they looked so great together (NO JUST KIDDING!) They are stupid goffiks.
When I managed to catch their extremely creepy red-bloodshot eyes (Which, by the way, seem to change throughout the course of the story that I am telling you) they flipped me off. And they expect that to damage me? God, their SOOO stupid. I ignored them and I popped in the earphones to my iPod. "Oops, I Did It Again" by Britney Spears was playing. By the way, she's ALSO my idol. And we're same name buddies! Yay!
Anyway, I was walking down the hallway wearing nothing but a hot pink mini dress with pictures of Jesus on it (geddit cause I'm Christian?) and a belt that said 'The Church is one Foundation). I headed down to the Great Hall for breakfast, but I don't really eat food. I like to keep my figure (which is positively TINY thank you very much.) I saw Harry Potter sitting there, except he wasn't really the same. He was all Gothic! He was sitting at the SLYTHERYN table TALKING to EBONY! How could he? He and I used to be sooooo intimate in the common room after hours *wink wink*.
"Oh well," I said to myself. "His loss." I sat across from Dean Thomas, that one black kid. Now, I don't mean that in a racist way at ALL, I'm simply saying his complexion resembles more of a Dark Chocolate Almond rather than my perfect Jersey Shore-like tan. "Hey!" he said un-sexily (because who says "hi" sexily?) I smiled back at him, flashing all 28 perfectly straight teeth. "I have a perfect prank for the Slytherin table of freaky-ass goffics." I thought about this, it sounded perfectly devious, as long as Jesus allowed me to. "Go for it."
Ginny looked up from her breakfast "Really? That sounds great, Harry joined their table for No reason! I Miss him, we used to date and stuff."
"Bitch!" I shouted out "HE WAS MINE!"
"No, I was dating him first, and anyway—he's not dating anyone now."
"Is that true?"
"Yes,"
"Oh," I said un-sexily.
"Well, now that he's into those…goffics or whatever, who am I gonna date NOW?"
Ginny pondered this for a second…
"How about Dean?"
Dean nodded enthusiastically, bringing out his serenading mariachi band and pulling up flowers. The mariachi band began to sing:
"Oh Britney, he's wanted to date you since the beginning of time….Oh Britney, he wants to ask "Will you be mine…" But he didn't, and now we're doing it instead… Britney, will you take him to the bed?"
"NO DEAN, I'M NOT INTERESTED."
He sunk back down into his seat, and the mariachi band went back to Mexico.
"What about Seamus? He's got a cute accent." Said Muffy, who is my best friend: Muffy has blonde hair and pretty hazel eyes, she is super skinny but I think that might be because she throws up after every one of her meals—twice!
"Nah, he's Irish!" I shouted in a angry voice.
"Ron Weasly?" Buffy asked.
"Nope, he's poor!" I said sexily.
"Dumblydore?"
"WTF Muffy?"
"WHAT? I'm just throwing out suggestions."
I gave up, figuring that I'd probably end up forever alone with that mariachi band singing to me every second of my life.
"Oh Britney, you gave up Dean….Oh Britney, you're so obscene…"
"What about…Cedric?"
"Cedric?" I asked suddenly intrigued. "Why him, I thought he was a stupid Hufflepuff.
The Mariachi band jumped out of the orange juice "Cedric is so hot. Cedric has some pot."
"Really? I've got to get me some of that, Buffy, Muffy lets go."
"Yay!" they cried sexily.
I walked up to the hot piece of ass that was Cedric Digahole. He gave me the evil eye, which is OBVIOUSLY boy code for "COME GET SOME OF THIS."
"What the hell do you want, Britney?"
"Hey big boy. Whatcha doin?"
"Eating bacon…can I eat my fried meats in peace?"
"Not without me, sexy."
"Alright then…what the hell do you wanna talk about?"
"You. Me. Sex. Naow."
And she jumped on top of him sexily.
"AHHH! RAP RAP!" Cried Cedric Sexily as he pushed me away and reaching for his wand. Cho Cheng came running over to us looking at us angrily.
"GET OFF MY BOYFRIEND YOU BIIIIIITCH" Cho screamed.
"No," I said starting to hum his sexy leg and suddenly I got an erection…except I'm a girl so I don't get those—sicko!
"Please! I'm too young to be rapped!" he said sexily and Cho nodded in sexy agreement.
"But…butbut…I want your meat…and I DON'T mean your bacon." I winked sexily.
Cedric looked at me with horror, which OBVIOUSLY means in boy language that "HEY, jump on top of me, ignore my totally freakish girlfriend! I WANT you!"
Then, I looked down and saw the tattoo that was uglyishly placed on his wrist that said "CCFAE"
"WTF is that supposed to mean?"
Wait, why did I ask? OBVIOUSLY it means Cats Can Face All Eggs.
"Cho Chang Forever and Ever. Because, you know, she's my GIRLYFRIEND and all."
I stomped away sexily, giving up….for now.
Okai so dat was teh end of the first chaptttaaahhhhh! Vas is not supahhh sexiiiii? Like jebbus! Is it god? (lol geddit jebbus god) and don't fuckin flam me stupid goffic bichhhessss