Hello you wise and beautiful person. I love your top, the colour suits your eyes, are you well? This is a bit of an experiment. Poor Brucie never gets any attention so this is a brief venture into his deluded little world, bless him. Please be nice and review. Cheerio for now!

PS I do no own any characters, not even Jimmy -sobs dismally-

Bruce's Diary

Day 1

Stuck on filthy ship surrounded by rough louts. Disgusted at living conditions, do they know who I am? Leading Lady Ann is a bit of a babe, but I was rudely pushed aside by the writer, Jack. He is probably jealous of me due to his nose, which is huge, and the fact I have such a perfect profile.

Day 2

Met the crew. The captain is some foreign dictator. "Vell ello Mister Baxter, enjoy ser trip. I trust ser living arrangements are suitable." He was smiling like he knew how awful they are. The first mate is no better. A scowling giant called Hayes who seemed insultingly uninterested in the room situation. He said "Jimmy" will sort it. Well I said to do it quickly; does he know who I am? These people… Also met a psychotic chef and small Asian man, hopefully easy to bully.

Day 5

Finally my room has been cleaned. I was reading the script when I got a knock at the door. Turned out to be a scruffy kid who explained Hayes had sent him. Must get a cleaner when I return, all the famous movie stars have them. When I got out my posters he laughed so hard I threw him out with a boot up the arse. Little toerag. Bet he has never seen movie before.

Day 8

Arrggg!! SOMEONE HAS DRAWN ON MY POSTERS!! I bet it was that ridiculous urchin James…John? Julian? However I do look even more suave and dashing with a moustache in the poster. Will try and grow one.

Day 9

At last we have stared filming. Carl says I was very natural, of course I was. However Jack was bloody rude again. "Try to stick to the script, blah, blahblah, I have a massive nose." For Gods sake!

Talked to Captain Englehorn about my poster suspicions. He said to talk to Hayes, who said how on earth would Jimmy get hold of a pen? Was stumped but retreated. Will simply have to find the kid myself.

Day 20

So bored. Filming is far below me. The script doesn't let me shine at all. But Jack just said that if I was a real actor I would be able to act anything. No one can do that. Moustache is not working.

Day 30

Still, filming and I think I have food poising. Will lie down for a while.

I am a big supid idiot and I thinc I is amasining.

I cant akt and I is a stuk up posser.

Nobody liks me becas I is blody selfis and them shod noc me owt with clorofilm

BLOODY JIMMY! i AM A STAR! DO THEY KNOW WHO I AM??!

I give up on the diary. When I return someone can write my memoirs for me. It will be an instant bestseller. Will just go and choose profile for dustjacket...