My days kept to the same routine, dealing with heartbreak- I don't think changing anything would make it easier. Wallowing never helps and I know that first hand. The first couple of days after Finn had dumped me again were the worst but the more I focused on other things the easier it got. The show was over- Jesse had left and then Finn and I barely lasted three months before Finn broke up with me. It was time I pulled up my big girl pants and re-adapted to my normal schedule: wake up, work out, shower, dress, breakfast, and school. But this morning I was late- I woke up 15 minutes later than normal, probably because my dream was so warm and happy, but it left me rushin around and by the time I left my house, I barely had 30 minutes to get to school, which I would need every minute of.
I park in a different spot than usual, further from the main entrance, and jump out and lock my car when I remember my bag is still inside said car. With a growl, I realize that this is just a bad day. Maybe I should have stayed home- when a day began bad, it usually doesn't get better. I snatch my bag, looping it around my shoulder, rushing to the building, the warning bell echoing around me. Damn it. I skip my locker and head straight to class, knowing I had everything I would need anyway.
I enter the class, remembering I agreed to meet Finn at my locker this morning. While we weren't together anymore, we were still co-captains. He'll probably think I'm mad at him again, give me the talk about how we have to be friends to lead the team and sometimes I thought it was cute how insecure he could be around me, but today everything annoys me. I wished he could be as confident as Jesse was, instead of getting mad at me for forgetting to meet up. I wasn't excited to run into him later; it wasn't long before a headache sat in. I slid into my chair and remember I need to take Finn's picture out of my locker still, also remembering what I plastered it on top of: Jesse's picture. Which was on top of Finn's old photo as well. I guess I'll throw it all away.
The class passes fast and the bell rings and I go to my locker, shoving all the books from my bag inside and then rush to English. I was in AP, as with most of my classes, but for some reason part of the reading material was Romeo and Juliet. I think the teacher is obsessed, like me and Broadway- but mine is a goal, his is just unhealthy. While he drones on and on about the virtue of Juliet and the love of Romeo, I doodle in my notes. This wasn't the first time we had studied this play, and I doubt it would be the last.
"Ms. Berry, tell us, what you think of Juliet's decision to kill herself?" I look up, startled, but quickly recover.
"Her decision?" I ask back, wondering but I know my thoughts, "Though romantic, I think it was quite stupid honestly." I lean forward in my seat, knowing he was going to counter me and I was ready. I loved these types of debates, though I know that today was one where I could end up in Figgin's office because I was looking for a challenge, craved it with my cloud setting over my head.
"Really? Why?" He inquires, humoring me with his eyebrows raised. I decide I would give him an argument that proved my reasoning.
"Well, how did she know that he really did love her? What if it was all a lie?" I started, my brain working to prove my argument, something close to home pulling me. A classic Romeo and Juliet, group against group, lover to lover. I wanted to die of embarrassment in those moments at the end. "If he really loved her, he wouldn't have done that, he would have left her alone." I say absently, truly thinking that it would've been better had he never appeared in my life, never approached me.
"Alone?" The teacher is baffled, "but they are meant to be together. They were in love, and, as you kids say: whipped. How is that so horrible?" He fires back, starting to get into the debate. I roll my eyes, at him, at the play, at everything, getting riled up as well.
"Well, first things first- says who? The writer? Shakespeare obviously had no intentions of leaving them together- he killed them and most of the cast, so in what way are they meant to be? If Romeo had stayed away, had left her alone, she could have been with Paris and probably lived a long life, maybe lacking passion or maybe she would grow to love him- we don't know, but most likely, nothing would have harmed her. Romeo wouldn't have turned her world all around, basically- no, seriously, killing her in the end." I fold my arms across my chest, daring him to challenge me.
"How can one live without passion, Ms. Berry?"
"There are more passions in life than love, Sir, and if she would have used her head, content would follow, I'm sure."
"Ms. Berry!" The teacher explodes at the front of the room.
"Romeo was poison to a young girl who was easily impressionable- and let's face it, it was lust, not love." I continue on, "Love doesn't work in 4 days- you can't fall in love at first sight, its arousal and attraction," I tell him, watching his eyes light with fire at my thoughts on the timeless romance, "Juliet didn't die, she was murdered by a love that wouldn't last." I found myself standing up and challenging the teacher, who had gone red in the face. I clear my throat and rub my hands against my skirt. "Just answering your question." I slid back in my desk, as he continues on, ignoring me for the rest of class.
This day couldn't get any better. The rest of the hours pass in a blur after that as lunch time came around. I wasn't hungry and so I decided fresh air was better for my mood. There was no way I could entertain my Glee mates like this. But outside, the air was cold and my mind was grateful. It wasn't like freezing but more as if Fall was on us at last. I didn't mind the cold wind today- cooling me down, emotions and all. Everything was getting worse and I felt like I was falling into a pit of snakes.
Heavy footsteps walk the bleachers and he sits beside me, looking out at the field as we sit in silence, but I can tell it's uncomfortable for him and he clears his throat, "Did I piss you off, again?" he asks, his voice sounding strained. I sigh at his self-consciousness, even though I know I was self-conscious a lot. To me, it just didn't make sense for the football captain to be. It was a prejudice, sure, but he literally had girls falling at his feet and boys wishing to be him.
"I woke up late, Finn. I'm not mad at you." I say as I begin to stand for the walk back to the school. There wasn't much time before 4th period started I walk past his seat and feel his fingers, large and gruff, close over my wrist. I don't yell at him or shake him off, I just look back at him, wondering what he could want now.
"Could we start over?" he asks me in a small voice, smaller than I've ever heard him. He is putting his pride on the line because that's the price of dating me: his pride.
"Let's not do this today." I reply, genuinely not wanting to talk about it. My head hurts and today was not good. "We can't forget what happened, it will always be there." I tell him, shaking his grip off. He sighs deeply, letting me go and I turn toward him, wanting to wrap my arms around him but I don't, and it's not out of love or the need for him, but simply like a friend, a comfort to him because I don't feel that anymore, looking at him, those are feelings that I no longer feel. "Finn, when you broke up with me, I couldn't stop crying. But now, I've stopped." I say, shrugging my shoulders, trying to get him to understand me but of course, he didn't.
"What does that mean?" his voice laced with confusion that mirrors his expression.
"It means that you aren't my Romeo, you're my Paris." I say, walking away from him, probably still confused and maybe he won't get it, but for me, I do. Sometimes people are better as friends.
At my locke, a piece of paper flutters out and falls to the ground. I really want to unfold it here but decide to wait until I am in class.
I put my stuff on my desk and take out the slip as I sit down. It could have come from Finn, who put it in my locker before lunch, or even Santana, or Quinn just to insult me. I open it with no expectations. VA Auditorium. 5:00. Come alone. I smirk at it, wondering which vocalite put this there and I fold it back, laying it on my desk. Was it already that time of the year again? Scare tactic to ruffle the rival teams. I wonder why I am the target, though this mood will definitely be susceptible to pride crushing.
.
Mercedes stops me outside of Glee looking like a mother tending to an obstinate child, refusing to budge until the truth falls. I take her arm and lead her into the room to the back of the class. She stays beside me, waiting for my explanation but I just sit, not knowing where to start. "Okay, Rach. Something is up, you never pass up a chance to talk about yourself," she says, looking me over. I don't know where to begin, so I hand her the slip of paper and her eyes go wide as she reads it over, shifting back and forth and then the annoyance leaks in, "not this stuff again? Who gave it to you?" she asks, looking at me.
"I found it in my locker," I say with a shrug.
"Are you going?"
"Yes," I said taking the slip back and putting it into my binder.
"Why? What if they try to funkify you?" she asks, trying to put reason into my head, but I don't see the issue as she would.
"Cedes, I have thought about this over and over again. They have no reason to. They aren't in our competition circle. Plus, I'm curious," I add, finally looking at her, "aren't you?"
"Curiosity killed the cat," she shoots back.
"Satisfaction brought it back." I say icily. A hand lays on my arm and I look up, her eyes burning into mine.
"Can I go with you?" I shake my head. If I was going onto their turf, I would want it to be by my rules but I also knew there was a reason for the need for such secrecy.
"I don't know, Rach." Cedes says, trying to dissuade me from going.
"Trust me; I know how these people play. Plus, I have a plan." I said in all confidence. I wasn't the girl they last saw throwing insults over their shoulders with me covered in eggs. I was smarter and more cunning, I wouldn't hesitate anymore.
.
It's easy to find the place, as I have been inside many times before, though I still am a tiny bit cautious as I do not know what they want from me, but it's enough to know they think me this big of a threat to try and terrorize me again. It makes me a little giddy, to know I'm that good in the world of show choir.
I open the doors quietly and walk up the stairs that lead to the balcony area of the auditorium. Theirs is quite bigger than ours, their whole school is larger. Not surprising with all the families that feed into the school.
I see Vocal Adrenaline gathered at the bottom, Sunshine's talking. "You shouldn't have done this!" she whines and I get curious. Maybe it's because this day royally sucks and I'm just done, or maybe it's because I'm genuinely curious, but I lean on the seats, staring at them, wondering if they'll notice me, putting myself so far out there.
"Listen, Sunny," a girl says, sneering, "She's better- better than you and all of us." I remember her now, Andrea. The lead, well, probably ex-lead, now that Sunshine is here- she was good, good enough for me to haze her to make her leave.
"Well, who sends somebody to a Crack House?" Sunshine fires back again and I grimace at the memory, not one of my best moments.
"It was dormant!" another chimes in, out of sight, done with the bickering, "I can't believe she's late. Rachel is never late," a guy voice says, it was strangely familiar.
"Maybe she was too scared to come?" Sunshine says and I feel a bit offended.
"Can you shut up?" Andrea whirls on her.
Interfighting was never good among teammates and now I could see why they would want to terrorize me. I watch them, so focused on biting each other that they won't even make it past Regional's, let alone nationals, behaving this way. The group was literally tearing itself up. I don't know what this is about, but being called here puts me on my toes. I don't have business with them anymore, now that my only connection has left town- there is no reason to call me out. I'm about to descend into the fighting arena when the argument picks back up.
"She was naïve then- you've should have seen how trusting she was," I realized that I had missed a part of the conversation. "It had to have taught her something." Andrea spits at Sunshine.
"I actually do know that she is more cunning and ruthless than what she appears like in those awful outfits." a girl I don't know speaks up, though I do remember her from the Egg Event last year, "I mean, look at what she did to Sunshine." I don't know why but I felt a surge of pride and at the same time insulted- what was wrong with my outfits? Suddenly, I feel like me again, I finally stand taller and don't feel like a mess walking around looking for something I lost.
"Umm, Andrea . . . ? Guys?" Sunshine squeaks, looking at me and I stare back, my best show face on. I feel pride surge through me, and my eyes hardened. I wasn't going to cower in front of this group again. I proved to them why New Direction was better, and maybe I was in my own personal funk right now. Maybe I was hurting more from my break up more than I thought, but that isn't a part of this. This is separate, this is about me and Vocal Adrenaline, about returning what I've received. I am not the girl who was egged and I am not the girl who was beat by them onstage. I am Rachel Berry and I will not be had.
"What Sunny?" A guy answers and I suddenly remember that voice, suddenly, that is so familiar. Goosebumps crawl up my skin and my hearts starts beating. I feel my hands shake in fear, in anticipation, but I hold them at my sides; even when sends a surge of something through me, I won't give in. I feel tethered suddenly, but I want to refuse it. He was not my Romeo. He was nothing, he ended whatever was there.
Andrea follows her eyes and the others follow her, but not him, he stays in his own shadows. Some members gasp at my theatrical entrance and probably at the fact that I even showed up. Andrea smiles and starts talking, "You could join us."
"Dramatic entrances are kinda my thing," I say, letting a little bit of coyness enter my sentence, finally let my voice ring out, "and so are exits," I say, tapping my finger to my chin, letting them know I would walk out at any time, "But it was so interesting watching you guy tear into each other," I point out quickly.
Vocal Adrenaline was a competitive place, hard to survive if you weren't willing to cut some throats, New Direction was the opposite, all about hand holding and acceptance, well, somewhat. To me, I'm somewhere in the middle of both; I'm competitive enough to send Sunshine to a crack house, and yet soft enough to apologize and feel bad. I eye the members, here you have to be cold, unreasonable and luckily, I know how to survive in this tundra of a team. I know how to be mean and how to work the crowd- maybe it's because I can feel a range of emotions and maybe it's because I know that this team won't bully me again.
I wait for him to stand up, for him to come into my view. I want to see him, too- as much as I hate it. I can hate myself- I already do. It's how I can fit in here, better that at my Glee Club and I hate that. These are my enemies, I have to remind myself. Andrea looks ahead of herself, catching onto what I am getting at. "Never mind about that, we have something to ask you." Andrea says. I look at them skeptically, too curious to stay away any longer.
Every step, my heart jolts. He's here. Jesse is here, waiting. I don't know why he is here- he should be in sunny California, but for whatever reason, he is back in Ohio, waiting with the rest of the team to either terrorize me away from regionals or something else, something welcoming almost. I slow my breathing and wait for the pattering to stop. I have to calm down if I'm to beat them at their own game. I have to win, right? I'm not the girl that got pelted with eggs. I'm above them. I know theatrics that would receive praise from the Great Barbra thanks to these people. I will win today, whatever that means.
I walk down the aisle, carefully watching them. They could be hiding eggs, who knows? Their eyes follow me, and the second I'm close enough, I meet his eyes and he's grinning at me, his eyes knowing. He tilts his head, looking at me with something like pride and also a touch of melancholy. My heart races again and I can feel my cheeks flush- it's just the lights- you need sunscreen here, remember? I close my eyes and breathe. I have to keep my wits. I hear Sunshine startle and I open my eyes. "So what do you want?" I ask them, standing in between a group and their savior.