Disclaimer: I own nothing!
This is inspired by "The Twelve Pains of Christmas", only Kingdom Hearts style. Please understand that I mean this all in good humor. I'm one of those fans who can poke fun at something they love. Don't take this seriously one bit! I will admit, though, at one point all of these things have irritated me.
The Twelve Days of Idiosyncrasies
Grouped together on an enormous opera house stage, a majority of the Kingdom Hearts cast began to sing their carol of complaints.
"The first thing of Kingdom Hearts that's annoying to me is Xion and her gender-bending!"
A screen descended from the ceiling, and a projector was activated, displaying eleven different images of eleven very bizarre people.
"The second thing of Kingdom Hearts that's annoying to me..."
In one box onscreen, Terra gawked openly at Sora, Ventus, Roxas, Vanitas, and Xion in her Special Edition Christmas Town Sora Cosplay Set as he serenaded, "All the look-alikes!"
"And Xion and her gender-bending! The third thing of Kingdom Hearts that's annoying to me..."
Box two portrayed Kairi frowning at something on her dress. Wincing in vexation, she belted out, "Zipping up these zippers!"
"All the look-alikes!"
"And Xion and her gender-bending! The fourth thing of Kingdom Hearts that's annoying to me..."
In box number three, Sora pointed a mocking finger at his dearest friend Riku, and managed to trill, "Way too bishōnen!"
"Zipping up these zippers!"
"All the look-alikes!"
"And Xion and her gender-bending! The fifth thing of Kingdom Hearts that's annoying to me..."
"FIVE SPIN-OFF GAMES!" every member of Organization XIII besides Roxas, Axel, and Xion hollered to the Kingdom Hearts moon.
Sora shook his head at Riku. "I seriously thought Riku was a girl in the opening music video for the first game..."
Kairi hissed irritably as she yanked on one zipper on her shoulder. "This one's stuck again!"
Terra gave Sora an uncomfortably close examination, making the cheery brunette cringe nervously as he murmured, "You're sure you aren't going to possess Ventus here?"
"And Xion and her gender-bending! The sixth thing of Kingdom Hearts that's annoying to me..."
Xion dodge rolled aside as a Neoshadow sliced with all it had on screen five. She patted one of her pockets, but alas, no remedies! "Running out of potions!"
"FIVE SPIN-OFF GAMES!"
Sora pulled Marluxia in front of his camera. "Audience poll: Guess this flower power fan's gender!"
"MOM! I NEED SOME KIND OF GREASE!" Kairi bellowed to some parental figure offscreen.
Terra slapped Roxas, upset at what he assumed was his best friend. "What do you mean you don't recognize me, Ventus?"
"And Xion and her gender-bending! The seventh thing of Kingdom Hearts that's annoying to me..."
Within the perimeter of box seven, Axel applied a fistful of hair gel to his fiery locks. "Fixing fancy hairdos!"
Xion coughed up a weensy amount of blood. "Poor job descriptions!"
"FIVE SPIN-OFF GAMES!" The Organization members writhed in agony on the ground, awaiting Kingdom Hearts III so they could return to normal, heartfelt lives.
Sora bashed his head against a brick wall. "I never want to see Marluxia in short shorts again!"
Kairi did a victory dance as the zipping surrendered to the mighty force of her hand, only to have her face fall moments later. "What do you mean I have nine more zippers?"
Terra seized Xion by the throat; she had changed into her Ventus cosplay gear mere seconds beforehand. "Come on, buddy, can't you remember me?"
"And Xion and her gender-bending! The eighth thing of Kingdom Hearts that's annoying to me..."
Riku sank to his knees, whipping his hair back and forth as he tried to dispel the voices inside his head. "Drowning in the angst!"
Axel went to apply some more gel to one section of his hairdo, but he ended up impaling his hand on the spike. "PAINFUL HAIRDOS!"
Xion attempted to open a treasure chest, but the casing would not yield to her touch. "I need those -bleep-ing potions!"
"FIVE SPIN-OFF GAMES!"
Sora pointed an unusual instrument at Marluxia. When it refused to respond, Sora hurled it at the ground. "Gaydar isn't working!"
"I'M TRYING TO ZIP THESE ZIPPERS!" Kairi shrieked when Selphie entered her room. Frightened, the normally perky teenager fled.
Terra turned to desert Ventus's near-doppelgangers, only to find himself facing a myriad of Ansem impostors. "We need different character designs!"
"And Xion and her gender-bending! The ninth thing of Kingdom Hearts that's annoying to me..."
Ventus was perched precariously on some debris in Olympus Coliseum. Grinning like a madman, he shouted, "GET UP ON THE HYDRA'S BACK!"
Riku raised his sword arm to bring his Keyblade to the vulnerable piece of flesh called his arm, but stopped himself just in time. "I wanna cut myself..."
Axel, ever the pyromaniac, gave up on styling his hair and set fire to his hair gel. "Screw the fancy hairdos!"
Xion had just hit the jackpot on the last treasure chest and obtained a megalixer. She ended up chugging down the entire thing, and she appeared to be regretting that mere moments later. "Thossh shings are poten..."
"FIVE SPIN-OFF GAMES!"
Sora just rolled his eyes when Sephiroth came onscreen. "He's not even the girliest one..."
Kairi had finally succeeded in zipping up every zipper, but then she noticed another sticky situation...for her, anyway. "Dresses designed too short!"
Terra had pulled out his Keyblade to fight the vile man who had possessed him, but there was one teeny problem. "Which one's which? COME ON, SQUARE, YOU DOUCHE BAGS!"
"And Xion and her gender-bending! The tenth thing of Kingdom Hearts that's annoying to me..."
Namine glomped one of the adorable widdle Shadows. "Cuddly enemies!"
"GOT IT MEMORIZED?" Ven shouted at an oh so bamboozled Vanitas.
Riku had given up on self-harm and was now digging into a scrumptious pint of creamy sea-salt ice cream. "Angst makes me so fat!"
Axel walked out his front door with a neatly bandaged hand, but an innocent bluebird ended up experiencing death by unfinished hairdo. "Spiky hair's so deadly!"
Xion staggered into the Gray Room and skulked like a boss towards Demyx. "Sooooo, bubby, you shingle?"
"FIVE SPIN-OFF GAMES!"
Sora sprinted into Merlin's house like the devil, Hitler, Rebecca Black, and Kefka were after his brains. "SAVE ME FROM THE GIRLY GUYS!"
Kairi raided her closet to no avail; all her articles of clothing were slutty to the highest degree. "No clothes fit for princesses!"
Terra gripped what appeared to be Xehanort's throat, only to realize it was the Ansem-possessed Riku. "Can't find my true foe!"
"And Xion and her gender-bending! The eleventh thing of Kingdom Hearts that's annoying to me..."
Roxas screamed in horror and slammed his laptop shut. Banging his head against his desk, he cried, "Save me from the yaoi!"
Namine apparently had squeezed her little Shadow too tightly, because its glowing yellow eyes exploded and the Heartless vanished in a puff of smoke. "They're to cute to fight!"
"Sora! Donald! Goofy!" Ven called to the game's main trio, reciting yet another slightly irksome meme.
Riku turned the ice cream container aside to examine the nutrition facts. What he saw was what turned him bulimic. "Five thousand calories!"
Axel got down on his knees, cradled the dead bird in his skinny arms, and sobbed, "Why must looking sexy be such an unattainable goal?"
Xion swaggered on over to Saix. Uh oh, spaghetti o's! "Shayy, shexxy, wanna go fer a Hawaiian roller coashter ride?"
"FIVE SPIN-OFF GAMES!"
Sick of the bishies, Sora collapsed in exhaustion; Aerith was quick enough to catch him, but he wasn't grateful enough to stop his muttering of, "How do I know you're not really a man, too?"
Ventus broke through the brawl to reach his bestie, but Terra aimed his Keyblade at the blond teen's jugular. "Get away, Vanitas! The power of Keys compels you!"
"And Xion and her gender-bending! The twelfth thing of Kingdom Hearts that's annoying to me..."
Aqua raised a transparent barrier to protect herself from a buffet of attacks, courtesy of the Lingering Sentiment. "Can't beat bonus bosses!"
Roxas blubbered in despair and barricaded himself in the bathroom to hide from the yaoi fan girls. "I am not a homo!"
Ventus poked Seifer in the chest and puffed out his own in pride. "That was undeniable proof that we totally owned you lamers!"
Riku barfed into a formerly pristine toilet, barely recognizable chunks of apples spewing out among other things. "I hate my life..."
Axel brought his hand to his head. "Screw it all!" He scorched his scalp until not a hair remained on his head.
Xion awakened on the couch in the Gray Room. She attempted to stand, but a pounding sensation in her temples brought her down once more."Oh geez, potion hangover..."
"FIVE SPIN-OFF GAMES!"
Tifa sauntered into Merlin's House; Sora gave her a once-over and sburied his head in a plush pillow. "I know those are fake, you deceitful bishie!"
Kairi pulled a pair of Riku's bulky pants up tightened them with a chunky black belt. "Need clothes for fighting!"
Terra finally cracked under the pressure. A ball of darkness fizzled to life in his palm, and with the other arm he raised his Keyblade skyward to summon a cloud of venomous evil incarnate. "That's it, you guys can all go to-"
"AND XION AND HER GENDER-BENDING!"
Whooee, now that I finished...I would like to say I don't really have anything against Xion; she's not that bad of a character as everyone makes her out to be. The only thing in this I really cannot stand is yaoi, to be honest. I'm used to the rest.
Reviews are appreciated, flames will be used to roast chestnuts. I've always wanted to try them!