It has been twenty-three years since my husband passed away and it's been two years since my friend and former housekeeper, Alice, passed away. How did I carry on for so long without them. The two people who had helped given me my life back since my first husband had died so suddenly. Actually, I guess the big question is: How did I survive him? How did I hold on long enough to find them?
The truthful answer is that I don't have one. I am too tired to think back on all that time. I'm at the point now where just thinking about today exhausts me. It hurts to breathe when I think about having to go on. I feel like I just can't do this anymore and it breaks my heart. I don't want to leave my children and grandchildren. I love them so much and their love is what makes my life these days. I look at them all and think about how waking up today wasn't so bad. I hope they never know the strain I'm under just waking up in the morning.
It was quiet in my bedroom and with that realization comes an astonishing surge of peace. Usually the quiet bothers me but I feel grateful to be okay with it now. Maybe this means that I am one step closer to giving up. Lord knows I have been ready to.
Yet, that is when the anxiety comes back. I again think about my family and I say a prayer for them. I tell them I am sorry. I tell them that I love them. To my children and especially my grandchildren: please, take your time. Please, enjoy your life while you still have some good years. I want to stay but I know I'm at that point where my presence is more of a burden than a help. Please, if tonight is my last night, please don't mourn for too long. Know that I love you and I will see you again. I will be your angel, I promise.
I slowly drift off to sleep. I am so aware of my eyes closing that I breathe a sigh of relief when they finally shut. I think I hear something break and with that comes a release. I jolt gently and soon realize that I am not in my body anymore. I can see myself on the outside clearly and immeadiately feel sad for the woman who would not wake up. What have I done? I want to go back!
"Carol," Mike beckons me. Mike! He's here!
"Mike," I answer. I don't look at him. I am not able to do it right now.
"Honey, it's okay. It's all over. Come with me."
"I can't."
"Yes, you can. Sweetheart, you can leave. I'm going to take you home."
I shivered when he said that. It was not his words that shook me up but that dog's bark. It was Tiger's bark. Tiger was with me. He was the one who made me turn around. He wagged his tail when he spotted me and he ran to me as if he were a puppy all over again. He was a puppy all over again.
"Good boy, Tiger," I said as I hugged him around the collar. He licked my face and made me laugh. I sense Mike's presence big time then and I looked up at him. He came to me looking exactly like he did the day we got married. I got up, took his face in my hands, and gave him a kiss.
"Oh, I've missed you," I said as I hugged him.
"I've missed you, too," he said as he hugged me back.
I turned my head a little and I could still see my lifeless body on the bed. I began to cry into Mike's shoulder as he continued to hold me.
"Come on, Carol," Mike urged as he broke away from me to take my hand.
"I can't," I breathed. What was wrong with me? Wasn't this the moment I was dreaming of for so long? Why couldn't I just go with Mike?
"Mrs. Brady," Alice suddenly appeared in that blue maid uniform of hers. That familiar sight filled me up with comfort. Oh, how I've missed my friend. As she walked to me, she took my other hand. "You're all right. We're going to take you home."
"The children..."
"You'll see them again," Alice promised me with such reassurance that I finally gave in. Mike kissed my cheek then and Alice gave me a smile. We started with baby steps at first, but then there came strides and then I practically broke free running. I was finally on my way home.