The room is dark and I can barely see my hand in front of me. The clock says it's three in the morning, but I'm still wide awake, lying in bed as the clock ticks away. The darkness surrounds me, engulfing me in a pool of pain and regret. I don't try to stop it. I don't try to struggle as its grip slowly drowns me in the pool, leaving me feeling abandoned and forgotten. Because none of that matters anymore. Nothing matters.
All I can think about is her. Her angelic face. That genuine smile I tried so hard to get to dance across her lips. I think of the times we kissed, the happiness I felt when we were together. I think of the times we were on dates, or even better, eating Chinese food in the break room late at night. As I think these happy thoughts, I can't help but smile on the inside.
But then the darkness comes back and I drift back into reality. When you think of a person for so long, no matter how hard you try not to, you can't help but think of the bad things that happened with them. The smile I had only a few seconds ago was snatched away from me, leaving me alone and having no promise of returning anytime soon. I lay there, drowning in misery once more.
I think of that moment. Those few minutes where my heart was ripped out and torn into little pieces, incapable of ever having a full recovery. She said it wasn't me, that it was her. Said I was a great guy and had all the traits she was looking for in a man. But I must have done something wrong, something very wrong, if she decided to leave me to drown in a pit of sorrow.
I shouldn't have asked her to go to the beach house. That must be it, it was too soon in our relationship and she freaked. That's all, she just freaked out because I was moving things way to quickly. But I die a little more inside when I realize that's not the real reason. There is really no point in denying it, but I still want to cling to the false hope that it's my fault. But I know, deep down, it's because of him.
She wanted him. Not me. I had suspected this before she ended it, but I pushed those suspisions away and denied their mere existence. But now, laying alone in the dark, I'm forced to accept I was right. I wasn't the one she wanted, she wanted him and nothing I could do would stop those feelings. It was only a matter of time before she accepted them and left me in a cloud of dust.
She said she didn't think we would work. But under the surface, I believe she knew we couldn't work. Not when she wanted him. She had always wanted him, at least subconsciously, and that wasn't leaving. But only recently had she been accepting the truth. And in the long run, that's a good thing. Because we all knew it wouldn't work in the end, and she was just the one who was the first to admit it out loud.
The heart wants what the heart wants. I hate that saying; it fits too perfectly in this situation. My heart wanted her and nothing but her. And yet her heart longed for him instead of me, which kills me inside. I know I'll never get over her; I'll always still have this certain tug at my heart for her presence. But she'll never feel that pull for me like I do for her, I have to accept that.
After all this, I still hope she finds happiness in her life from him. And I hope she gives him happiness in return. I know I'll always be alone, my love for her was sacrificed for their love for each other, and I can bear that. Because before I met her, I was miserable, and it won't kill me too be miserable again. I'll never be truly happy without her, but I can live with that. I love her, but she doesn't love me. She loves him.
So yeah, the room is dark and I can barely see my hand in front of me. The clock says it's three in the morning, but I'm still wide awake, lying in bed as the clock ticks away. The darkness surrounds me, engulfing me in a pool of pain and regret. I don't try to stop it. I don't try to struggle as its grip slowly drowns me in the pool, leaving me feeling abandoned and forgotten. Because none of that matters anymore. Nothing matters.
I got inspired to write this after I watched the Castle Season Two Finale. This is my second Demming fic, and I'm sad to see him leave. Demming is a great guy, and I really like him.
-TelevisionSlave