Any one who knew Serena Campbell, even in the slightest, could tell you that she was supremely well practiced in the art of grudge bearing. It was nothing less than a talent, honed to perfection over the course of her life. She was by no means a petty person, far from it, but she had never quite been able to bring herself to let go of a grudge. Never, not even once. It just wasn't within her. She was too stubborn, she found it easier to hold onto them than to let it go.
Once she had gotten it into her head to dislike someone, there was simply no going back. From there it was all down hill, woe betide any person stupid enough to try and get back into her good graces. There was no going back, not at all. There was no room to manoeuvre, no wiggle space at all. A grudge was a grudge and it stuck firmly once it was in place.
As a general rule, Serena found that if someone had done something stupid enough to make her hold a grudge, they were not worth the time nor the effort. Holding a grudge was far easier, in her estimation, that trying to forgive someone foolish enough to get on her bad side. It's not like her grudges came around due to petty matters, not in the slightest. No, her grudges were not for superficial matters, just for personal ones.
Many would think it silly, a grown woman on just about the wrong side of fifty holding grudges, much like a school child. But it wasn't like that in the slightest. It was a perfect logical way to tuck away the avid dislike she felt for a select few. A perfectly mature way to deal with the hurt or discomfort a few people had inflicted upon her in her lifetime.
Once you were in the wrong side of Serena Campbell, once you had passed the point of no return, there was no going back. The list of people on the far side of the line was by no means long, but they had never strayed back on to the right side of the line. This was something that Bernie knew, something she understood with every fibre of her being, but it didn't seem to sit right with her. She couldn't be on the wrong side of the line.
She'd been back from the Ukraine for more than a week, and she'd been treated with radio silence ever since then. Of course, Serena had spoke to her but strictly for professional reasons. There was no spark of warmth between them, nothing friendly in the slightest.
When she had left, she had known that she was hurting the both of them beyond belief. Yet she'd still done it, she'd still run away from commitment and the mention of love like the spineless coward she was. Her entire being had yearned for her to turn around, to fix the hurt she had caused before it was too late. Instead she'd swallowed down her feelings, clenched her jaw and boarded a plane.
Every text, every email, every form of contact she had received from Serena had been well and thoroughly ignored. Every olive branch that had been offered, no matter how hopeful it seemed, she had brushed aside. She hadn't wanted to deal with it, because it had become too real too quickly.
So when she'd returned, she'd been prepared for the worst. Bernie had gone into the hospital with her eyes wide open. Expecting exactly what she had received. Radio silence and the coldest of all cold shoulders. She hadn't realised exactly how much it would hurt though.
Maybe she'd gone soft since she'd left the army, maybe she'd melted a little and opened a little. Or maybe Serena was just very good at bearing a grudge, and Bernie just hadn't prepared herself quite enough for it. Or maybe after having upped and left she had some how, stupidly, let herself hope for a better reception.
How she had the nerve to let herself hope for better she didn't know. Serena had all but begged her to stay, all but admitted her love for her and she had shrugged her off and left regardless. It didn't matter that everything in her had been screaming at her not to go. It didn't matter that she had loathed herself more as she pulled out of the hospital entrance than she ever had before. If didn't matter that it had taken her leaving to make her realise that she loved the other woman.
None of it mattered, because when all was said and done, she had still left. She'd still ignored each and every message Serena had reached out and sent, no matter how angry she may have been. How was Serena to know that she had read each and every one and hand crafted a response. How was Serena to know that she'd written her a letter for every night that she had tossed and turned, all for thoughts of the woman she had left behind.
The point was, Serena wasn't to know, because Bernie simply hadn't told her. She was back, suffering through the hurt and pain and anger of the other woman, all because she still wasn't quite brave enough to reach out and just tell her. Surely it wasn't supposed to be this hard? Love was supposed to be easy and simple and wonderful.
Instead of it being those things, she'd made it difficult. Somehow she'd managed to get herself on the grudge list, and it was already strictly proven that there was no leaving it once you were there.
After a particularly long day of frosty silence and icy glares, she thinks she may finally be brave enough. Either that, or she's tired of the cold glances directed at her, the ones that try to bury the hurt in Serena's eyes. Bernie decides to try and be a first. The first person to ever work their way off of the grudge list.
The planning of how to do just that leaves her stumped for a while, because she's many things but an emotional romantic isn't one of those. Still, what she comes up with may just about work, even if she does say so herself. Even if it takes quite a lot of time. She's willing to wait. It's only fair given that she made Serena wait a substantial amount of time.
So one day, towards the end of their shifts, as she's heading out for ward rounds, she leaves a letter on Serena's desk. It's the first letter she wrote for her, about three days into her stay in the Ukraine. She leaves it there, and prays that Serena reads it before she tears it up and throws it in the bin. She prays and hopes and then prays some more because God is it important that Serena reads it.
It doesn't apologise, but she figures that will have to wait until the frogs between them has thawed. It may be better received then (or she'll get slapped around the face for being such a bloody coward- either way she can wait for that part). She leaves when her shift ends, and Serena is locked in the office. She hopes that she's been on there for such a long while because she's reading the letter, contemplating it. She hopes that it get her one step closer to the right side of the grudge line. She hopes.