Cold Storage
By TheLostMaximoff
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. It's cold and cloudy here, which makes it perfect weather for writing about Killer Frost. R/R.
I keep trying to freeze the door but the ice keeps melting. I know it's pointless to try to break out of this cell. I helped Cisco and Dr. Wells design them, after all. It's strange to see one from the inside looking out. I always knew that the whole execution of the Pipeline idea was wrong. Keeping people in cages like they were specimens in a jar wasn't our brightest idea. At the time, I kept telling myself we were treating them humanely. Now I just don't care but that can be said about a lot of things. Maybe I was always colder inside than I thought. Maybe I just covered it up better than I can now. There's a lesson that I learned really well over the past couple of years. Being nice is so exhausting. Being warm and kind gets you little to no reward. Coldness takes no effort and it feels so very, very good. At least when you stop caring about other people's feelings, you get to be completely honest with them.
It's funny how all the phrases and sayings we have about anger relate to warmth and heat. Hot under the collar, explosive temper, boiling point, I could go on and on with them. All of them got it wrong. I'm angrier than I've ever been in my entire life and I don't feel an ounce of warmth in me. I don't feel an ounce of remorse for trying to kill Barry or Cisco. I still want to kill them. I want to watch the warmth leave their bodies. I want to take away everything that they took away from me. They all stole something from me, especially Barry. He thinks that he can play God with all of our lives. He thinks that his pain is the most important one in the universe. What about my pain? What about my suffering? I've lost more than all of them combined but somehow I'm the villain here. I'm the coldhearted psychopath, right?
I'm going to kill Barry. There's a small part of me that is terrified of what's going to happen when I get out of here. I hate myself for wanting to hurt him so much. Do no harm, right? I keep trying to repeat that to myself because it's what I lived my life by. Now the phrase gets mangled inside my head. "Do no harm" becomes "do harm now". I'm going to kill him. He thinks that little kiss I gave him was bad? He has no idea what I'll do to him when I get out of here. The others might have to go too. Iris, Cisco, Joe, all of them enabled him. They built up his ego and told him he was such a great hero. They made him think that he could do anything and then he screwed up all of our lives. He's the one who's selfish. He's the one who doesn't care about others. Why isn't he in here then? Why doesn't he get to suffer for the bad things he's done?
Nothing in my head makes sense anymore. It feels like I'm falling and there's no bottom to hit. Everything's just cold and dark and I don't know what to do. I told Joe that caterpillars break themselves down before they rebuild themselves into butterflies. Is this what metamorphosis feels like? Will I ever be sweet, little Caitlin Snow again? Do I even want to be? I think I'm crying. It feels . . . weird. It's like I know what I should be doing but I can't get myself to do it. I should be sad because I tried to hurt the people I love. It's what Caitlin Snow would feel but I saw the way they looked at me earlier. They know I've changed. I saw it in their eyes. They would never love me now that I'm Killer Frost. Fine then, let me sit in this cocoon until I turn into a butterfly. Let me be the poisonous kind who kills them when they try to hurt me. I'll make Barry sorry that he broke me. I'll make him sorry that he turned me into this monster. When I get out of here, I'll show all of them what they turned me into. I'll show all of them who I really am.