A/N: Wow so this has been a bit of a roller coaster to write. I don't want to give too much away so I'm not going to say too much, but I was given this prompt maybe a week ago? And it just wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote something ridiculous and long about it. I don't really know how to explain this except that it's an AU, but in the same setting, just with slight differences (you'll see when you get to them). I had intended for this to be like 2000 words at most, but as you can see, it escalated. Thoughts are, as always, most welcome. Thanks for reading.
The first time she sees her, she's wandering through the food hall, clutching a tray so tight her knuckles are white, and she's practically swimming in her orange uniform which is at least two sizes too big, with the bottoms rolled up. Her hair is too neat, and her lips too red, but there's something about her that causes Nicky to stare, her eyes refusing to pull away. In a moment of weakness, Nicky calls after her and gestures for the seat opposite. For once, she's glad she's eating alone, because she sees her friends – her family, better said – in the lunch queue and she can practically hear Boo's thoughts from halfway across the room.
"I was convinced I'd be eatin' alone today. First day and all. Real nice of you, real nice," she sinks into the seat and Nicky's so captivated by the huskiness of her voice, the mixed accent, the way she pronounces each word like it's something beautiful, that she almost forgets to reply.
"Don't mention it, kid," she's aware that her voice is unusually thick, and clears her throat, silently scolding herself for being polite, not funny. After all, her sense of humour is one of the only things going for her lately. She's glad the others aren't here because Boo is already making sexual gestures from the lunch line, and she'd probably be laughing for the rest of the day if she heard Nicky stumbling over words in front of a pretty girl.
"I'm Lorna... no, no... Morello," the girl smiles awkwardly, holding her hand out for Nicky to shake, and dropping it when she doesn't, "the whole, uh, last names thing is gonna take a while to get used to."
"Nichols. Nicky," she points her fork in Big Boo's direction, "and take some advice, Morello, don't go anywhere near that. She smells newbie from a mile-off, and she's currently on the look out for a new Mrs Boo, if you catch my drift."
Morello glances over her shoulder, and when she turns back she has frightened, wild eyes, which just continue to widen when Boo slides into the seat beside her, pushing her tray intentionally into hers. She has a dirty grin plastered on her face, and Nicky's trying to send her 'don't touch her' vibes from across the table, but, not for the first time, Boo is ignoring her.
She tends to group girls into categories: those she would fuck in a heartbeat; those who she goes after just for the hunt; those who are easy for a pick-me-up, and those she wouldn't go near if you paid her. This new girl doesn't fit neatly into any of these boxes, and this perplexes her. She almost feels like Lorna Morello is going to need a whole category of her own.
Especially, when she finds out that the girl's got a fucking fiancé waiting for her on the outside.
Still, Nicky isn't the first to try and get into a straight girl's pants, and she never says no to a challenge, so she can't help but continue to pursue it, even if she is convinced it's going to lead nowhere. She tries to tell herself it's because Morello's hot, because she can't stop watching her perky little ass when it walks out of the room, wants to know what Morello screaming her name in that goddamn accent of hers would sound like. And yeah, it is all those things, but it's also a whole load more. Things Nicky won't even admit to herself, let alone anyone else.
So they spend a lot of time together, and it's kinda nice. It's not even like she spends the whole time thinking about fucking her. There's an innocence that makes Lorna so much more genuine than anyone else Nicky knows. The fact she spends time with her out of choice sets her aside from just about everyone else in Litchfield, and it makes Nicky feel oddly warm inside. Time with Lorna is easy. They laugh at each other's jokes, and they talk for hours, and sometimes they just sit in silence doing their own thing, but it's comfortable. Nicky feels like she is the most herself she's been in a long time when she's with her. She can even put up with the girl's nonstop talking about Christ-a-fuh if it means getting to see that radiant little smile of hers, the way her pale cheeks flush pink.
Everyone else sees it – Boo calls it 'the downfall of the great Nicky Nichols' – but if Lorna notices that there's anything more than friendship going on, she doesn't say anything. Nicky's pretty sure she's oblivious, that she doesn't see much beyond her stack of wedding magazines, and that's fine by her.
Or not.
"Can I ask ya a question?"
Nicky's lying upside down off the end of her bed, looking at pictures in a book she's pretending to read, and Morello's voice almost catches her by surprise. She's been so ensconced in her wedding plans that they've been sitting in silence for almost an hour.
"So long as it's not 'which of these dresses will I look most virginal for my wedding day in', sure, go ahead, kid."
She glances at Lorna and the girl's cheeks are a deep pink, and she immediately regrets being so cruel with her choice of words. She can't quite stop the bitterness in her voice when she talks about the damn wedding, but she's trying.
"Nevermind."
Nicky exhales hard, letting the hair in front of her face flap about before she scoops it back and sits upright, "c'mon. I was just kidding. What is it?"
"Do you only hang out with me cos you're hoping to fuck me?' she finally says, and the sincerity of it, the sobriety in her voice, the way she says fuck like it's the most beautiful, poignant word in the English language, knocks Nicky breathless for a second.
"Wow, Morello, you don't mess around, do you?" she says, running her fingers through her hair, and she thinks that there's a good chance she doesn't even need to answer that question, that her lack of an answer is all the confirmation Lorna needs, but she goes ahead anyway, "I'd be lying if I said the thought hadn't crossed my mind."
Her throat's dry and she's usually at her most comfortable flirting with hot girls, but Lorna Morello isn't just a hot girl, and that's becoming more and more clear to her. She stares intently at the girl, and her pulse is racing just a little, and this is the adrenaline she usually thrives on, but not today.
"So you're just my friend cos you wanna get in my pants?"
Nicky is quick to extinguish that thought with a hurried, "no, no," but Morello doesn't look convinced. She reaches out to brush a strand of hair out of Lorna's eyes, and she knows it's a risk, but it's one she's willing to take. Lorna doesn't flinch, doesn't move away, just continues to look at her with those stupidly beautiful dark doe eyes of hers.
"You're something special, you know that?" Nicky says softly.
"It ain't gonna work," but even her voice wavers, and Nicky knows she should stop, knows that she's potentially wrecking one of the only real friendships she has in this place, but Lorna's skin is so soft under her finger tips that she can't help but continue. She brushes her thumb across pale, milky skin, and Lorna visibly swallows, their faces so close together that Nicky can count every freckle on her face, feel her short, shallow breaths on her skin.
"Really special," Nicky repeats, and Lorna's eyes drift closed, and she's moving closer, into Nicky's touch.
"Don't," she whispers, "please, don't... kiss me... do whatever you want, just please don't kiss me."
It's a strange plea, but with Christopher still on the table (literally; his damn wedding plans are stretched out all over the fucking place), Nicky kind of understands, and she does as she's told, taking Lorna's hand and leading her towards the only place she knows is safe for this kinda thing: the chapel.
She starts out gentle, but it soon becomes clear to her that that isn't the kind of girl Lorna is, no matter what appearances tell her, and she's soon squeezing and biting and tugging clothes off as fast as she can, delving her fingers so deep into the woman who she's lusted over for weeks that Lorna lets out a low gasp, her grip on Nicky tightening so hard that she's leaving little half-moons in Nicky's back with her fingernails.
So that's how it starts. And it continues. Nicky knows all about addiction, and she knows she's found a new drug, and that just like before, this one's going to be difficult to quit. Fortunately, Lorna seems just as committed to the cause. It's not like Nicky to keep one girl, but there's something about Lorna, about the way she cries her name, the way her teeth feel along Nicky's skin, the buzz of her fingers in all the right places – she doesn't go looking for someone else, because she knows no one else could even compare.
They do it everywhere. It's not like they're keeping it a secret. Wherever they can do it without getting caught by C/Os is fair game, and with each new place comes a new thrill. Nicky wouldn't even mind getting caught; anything to keep the adrenaline pounding through her body, but she knows it's not the same for Lorna. She might be happy to keep their relationship (fuck buddies, nothing more; she's made it quite clear) out on the open, but she won't talk about it, won't address it. It's still Christopher this and Christopher that, and Nicky thinks she would mind that, if it weren't that she knows as soon as they're alone, it's her name on Lorna's lips, not his.
They always wind up back in the chapel. Sex-aside, it's Nicky's favorite place, the only place in the damn prison where she can get some peace and quiet, but she's more than happy to have that silence broken by Lorna's moans, her name being groaned over and over again in the dark. They can take more time, be more thorough in the chapel. It's always such a damn rush everywhere else.
Collapsing in a pile of sweaty limbs and discarded clothes, Nicky closes her eyes, peels her damp hair off her forehead, "shit, Morello, you sure you weren't a lesbian in a past life? That tongue of yours could turn Mother fucking Theresa."
Lorna starts to laugh, and at first Nicky joins her, but then it becomes more and more clear that whatever she's laughing at is a private joke, not what Nicky said at all.
"Hey, you care to share what's so fucking funny?" she asks, but she's still grinning, her body still pulsating, her breath still heavy.
"I'm pregnant," Lorna says, and she's still chuckling away to herself.
"Well, shit," Nicky replies, laughing along, "I knew I had magic fingers, but this brings it to a whole other level."
"No," she closes the gap between them, suddenly too serious, and lays her hand over Nicky's, "I'm really pregnant."
It takes a second for the words to sink in, and then all of a sudden Nicky's reeling. Not because she's fucked a pregnant woman, because, in all honesty that's not exactly something she wouldn't do, but because, shit, Lorna's pregnant, and she's falling in love with a pregnant straight girl.
"Shit, kid, why didn't you tell me?!"
"I read that in your first... trimester you're not supposed to tell anyone. Y'know, just in case something happens to the baby," she shrugs nonchalantly, like she's telling Nicky what's on the lunch menu for tomorrow, or recalling a television show, and it's driving Nicky nuts.
"What about what we've been doing?!"
"Nooo, Nicky, it's completely safe. I checked," she beams, squeezing Nicky's hand, and a moment later she's climbing to her feet, slipping her clothes back on, and chattering away about her wedding plans like nothing's happened.
Now that the information has processed, a lot of things start to make sense. Lorna barely touches her food, won't shower with other girls around, and when the morning sickness is really bad, she looks like she's permanently got the flu. She doesn't broadcast her little secret to the rest of the prison (the C/Os know, and now that Nicky knows, it's so damn obvious that they know), and Nicky can't help but feel oddly satisfied, though she hates herself for it. It's Nicky who holds Lorna's hair back whilst she deposits half her breakfast into the toilet every morning, and it's Nicky who curls up in her bunk with her when she's tired and just wants to sleep in the comfort of someone else's arms.
(She ignores the mumbled 'Christopher's when Lorna's sleeping, but her heart's breaking a little more every day).
She tells Red because honestly she has to tell Red, and she isn't even remotely surprised when the older woman laughs in her face. Red organises for Lorna to work in the kitchen a while. It's the safest place for a pregnant girl, she insists, promises Nicky that when the time comes, Lorna will have everything she needs. Most of all, she promises not to tell a soul, and Nicky knows her well enough to believe it.
Eventually, Lorna starts to show. She's wearing baggier khakis, and her face is fuller. She still doesn't tell anyone, but rumours are flying around and it's only a matter of time. They stopped fucking weeks ago, but Nicky's still glued to her side, and people are still talking, and she's still wishing there was something she could do to erase this whole mess.
The worst part is that to Lorna it isn't a mess, and Nicky can't understand why. Christopher, as much as Lorna likes to sing his praises, hasn't been to visit. Not even once. Nicky's sent Tricia to spy for her every damn time it's visiting hours. Besides a dark haired lady that is probably her sister, Lorna hasn't had any visitors at all. Certainly not any guys. Nicky doesn't mention it to her, because it's none of her business, and she doesn't feel like being malicious, but she's so close to snapping. She's never been the kind of person who likes to deal with problems by talking them through, never likes conversations to go too deep, but fuck there's some things that just need talking about, and she doesn't understand how Lorna can stand to not even address them.
They're playing cards in the rec room, and Lorna suddenly wants ice cream, and of course Nicky straight away heads off to the kitchen to find Red. They've come to an agreement. Lorna gets cravings, Nicky goes to Red, Red hands them over for nothing. 'I haven't gone soft' Red affirms, and Nicky nods with a 'me either, ma', but they both know that's not entirely true when it comes to Lorna, and it goes without saying that she'll be back again.
When she arrives back at the table they'd been sitting at, Lorna's nowhere in sight, and Tricia shrugs, mutters something about a visit, and Nicky can't believe her ears.
"I told you to check on her visits, and I come back and find you here on your ass."
But it isn't Tricia she's mad at, its herself for leaving, and she hurries off in the direction of the visitation room, arriving in time to see Lorna sit down opposite a man in a sweater and slacks, who she can only assume is Christopher. So the bastard finally decided to visit, she thinks, and her heart sinks because whadya know, he's real, and as soon as Lorna gets out of this dump, she'll be back with him, baby and all. Nicky turns away from the glass and goes back to her cube, not feeling like playing voyeur on a game of happy families.
It's not that she ignores her for the next few days. It's merely a coincidence that she sits the other end of the table in the lunch hall, that she finds things to do during free time that don't involve Lorna, that she finds someone else to share headphones with at movie night. She knows it's not fair to take her own unhappiness out on Lorna. She knew (mostly) what she was getting into when she started, but she just couldn't let Lorna slip through the cracks, and that says it all about her personality, about her lack of the ability to say no to things that are bad for her.
So, she starts sleeping around again. People talk, and she lets them. She pieces her friendship with Lorna back together, barely, but things never go back to how they were, and she pretends she doesn't feel like part of her is missing, pretends to ignore the void that used to be filled by the sound of Lorna's laughter, the feel of her cuddled close as she slept. She feels more like herself. The emptiness has been a part of her for so long, feels so familiar, that it's easy to sink back into it.
She's distracted by new inmates; Piper Chapman and all the drama she brings with her, Alex Vause who looks like she's stepped straight out of a librarian porno, and fucks like she has, too. It feels good to have a distraction, to be more Nicky Nichols, period, and less Nicky Nichols, Lorna Morello's best friend.
Lorna gets bigger, and she stops talking about the wedding, and starts going on and on about babies, and baby names, and nursery colors, and if Nicky hated all the wedding talk, then she despises the baby talk, so she avoids her. She hangs out with Chapman, plays around with Vause, looks after Tricia. Anything to take her mind off Lorna. Anything to keep her occupied. Red lets her help in the kitchen time to time, and Nicky can't even peel a fucking potato, but she's happier there than she is sharing the TV room with Lorna.
Then, Tricia dies, and all the strength is sucked out of her. Her throat is dry all the time, and she doesn't have any one-liners to shoot back at anyone, and she finds herself alone in her bunk all day every day. She doesn't have the energy to spend time with anyone else. Meal times are spent pushing food around her plate and avoiding conversation. Everyone's stopped trying to break through the wall she's built around herself, but Lorna's still there, day in day out, sitting quietly with her tray, waiting for Nicky to open up.
She arrives at the table, and Nicky picks her tray up and leaves.
A few days later, Lorna has a fall in the shower, and Nicky mentally slaps herself around the face for being so caught up in her own drama, for caring so much about protecting her own heart, that she's left the one person she cares most about in the world vulnerable. Taystee comes running to tell her there's been an accident, and all the blood rushes to Nicky's head. She feels sick. Not her too. Please not her too. It's just a fall, Taystee insists, but Nicky's already sprinting to the infirmary, her heart in her throat, her stomach twisted in knots, and when she sees Lorna being carried in on a stretcher, she can't help but immediately think the worst. She has blood spilling down her face,, matted in her wet hair, and she's so pale, so fragile looking. She keeps asking about the baby, and the C/Os are telling Nicky to back off, but it's all white noise as far as she's concerned. She takes Lorna's hand, and she won't let go, and they eventually don't make her because fuck hasn't she been through enough this month?
Lorna's bandaged up and sent back to her bunk.
The baby's fine. Lorna's fine. She's given a blood pressure stabiliser in the pill line every day, and told she needs to eat better, but she's fine.
Nicky's been so wrapped up in wallowing in her own self-pity that she's been oblivious to the sadness in Lorna's eyes. She isn't the same sparky, cheerful kid she was when she arrived. In front of everyone else, maybe, but when they're alone, she's quiet and withdrawn and barely even mentions the baby, much less the wedding. Nicky refuses to leave her side. She realises she's been selfish, that all this time she's made the whole thing about her, about them, when really it's about Lorna. It's about protecting Lorna Morello at all costs. Even if that cost is that one day she'll leave, and get married, and raise a baby with a man who she loves, and Nicky will never be more than a memory at the end of it all. She still has to get there. She still needs to be looked after up until that point.
I'm all you've got in here, and you'd best believe I'm going to look after you, kid.
Christopher visits, and Nicky waits five minutes before following Lorna to the visitation room. She tells herself it's because she wants to give her support, to prove to herself that she's grown up, over it, can deal with seeing the man in the flesh. But she knows that deep down a part of her is only going to make sure he's the real deal. To make sure he's good enough for her.
She tries not to resent the way Lorna's face lights up when she sees him. Lorna's reached the point where she's practically waddling, and she looks like a beautiful khaki duck with pink cheeks as she sinks into the seat opposite Christopher. They don't hug, but she reaches for his hands, and the smile on her face is the widest Nicky's ever seen it.
So, she doesn't understand when the fight breaks out.
It's like watching a film backwards, or starting a book halfway through. One minute Lorna's all smiles, stroking Christopher's hair, beaming at him with bright, rosy cheeks. The next, she's across the table, and there's shouting, and C/O's are grappling to tug him away from her. He leaves fingermarks around her throat, and she's wailing, sobbing, and Nicky wants to break the glass down between them, give the asshole a taste of his own medicine, but she's frozen still. Her pulse is ringing in her ears. She doesn't understand what just happened, what she's been watching. It's like a bad dream. And to top it all off, Lorna notices her, spots her from across the room, offers a tiny, broken smile, and runs off in the other direction.
Nicky intersects her at a quiet stairwell. Lorna's a mess, sobbing her heart out, her head in her hands, and Nicky sits down next to her, wraps an arm around her, pulls her head onto her shoulder. They don't talk. Nicky has so many questions she wants to ask, but she doesn't because she's invaded Lorna's privacy enough for one day. And, honestly, she doesn't know where to start. She can't make head or tail of what she's just witnessed.
"I'm crazy. I am a crazy person," Lorna says softly, wiping her face. Nicky rubs her back, presses a kiss to the top of her head, and Lorna's still shaking, still crying, hiccuping through her words. She looks like she's going to crumble any moment.
"No, that guy's crazy. What he did in there... that was crazy, y'hear me?"
She laughs, a hollow empty sound, and shakes her head, "you don't get it."
"You're carrying his kid, and he just tried to strangle you... you could have just died... I get that much," she frowns, cups Lorna's face, brushes away her tears, tries to meet her eyes, but Lorna pulls away.
"It isn't his..." she whispers, looking away, "the baby. It isn't his. I... I don't even... we're not engaged," she puts her face in her hands, and she's crying again, and none of it makes sense but Nicky doesn't want to push. She rubs her back, holds her close, waits for her to continue. You can trust me, she thinks, hoping that Lorna knows without it needing to be said aloud.
When Lorna explains, it all comes out in shreds of information, and Nicky knows that she should be angry, that she should feel like Lorna's lied to her, that she should want to be as far away from her as possible. But she doesn't. She doesn't feel any of those things, and she just wraps Lorna tighter in her arms, pulls her closer, kisses her head, tries to soothe her whilst her mind processes all the information, tries to find an explanation for it.
"I'm crazy," Lorna says again, her voice wavering.
"Hey... You're a beautiful, sweet girl. Yes, it's becoming more and more clear that you're also batshit crazy, but... aren't we all?" she laughs a little, brushes Lorna's hair out of her eyes, "I wanna take care of you, y'know?"
Lorna stares at her, "you mean you don't hate me?"
"Kid, I could never hate you," she presses another gentle kiss to Lorna's forehead, and they stay there, still and close and silent for another ten minutes before Lorna decides to head back to her bunk, and begs Nicky to go with her.
It's a few days later that Nicky plucks up the courage to ask her. She doesn't want to push, doesn't want to hurt Lorna anymore than she's already been hurt, but she needs to understand. There's only a matter of weeks standing between now and when the baby's born, and then everything's going to change. She's seen how losing a baby to the outside world fucks a girl up in this place, and Lorna's vulnerable enough already, might not even make it through to the other side, and the thought terrifies Nicky.
"Whose is it?" she asks, quietly, when Lorna's snuggled into her side and almost drifting off, one hand on her baby bump, the other twisted in Nicky's sweater. She doesn't open her eyes, doesn't move, and for a moment Nicky thinks she must have dropped off to sleep already.
"I... don't know," she finally stammers, "everythin' gets pretty hazy in my head, y'know?"
Nicky doesn't push it any further, doesn't mention it again. She lets Lorna sleep. She trusts her when she says that her sister will take care of the baby when it's born, that everything is in place without her interfering. Not that she'd really be able to do anything even if it wasn't. She might act like the big guy, act like she can take care of all of Lorna's problems in the blink of an eye, but that's on the inside. Outside, she has nothing and no one, and if anything, she's jealous that Lorna doesn't.
Then she remembers that in a few weeks time, the most important thing in Lorna's life will be on the outside, and she feels guilty all over again.
"I decided on a name. Maria. Y'know, like in West Side Story?"
They've taken up knitting in the hopes that between them they might make something for the baby, but they aren't allowed proper needles, and even if they were, they've mostly just made a mess. Nicky's is neater than Lorna's, but that's not really saying much. She's trying to unpick a giant knot of pink wool that's manifested in Lorna's not-really-a-blanket-but-kind-of-a-blanket, but it's a lost cause.
"Maria Morello? How bullied do you want this kid to be?" she says, looking up from the mess in front of her.
Lorna scoffs, "you can talk, Nicole Nichols."
"Well exactly. I know it first hand and no kid should be put through that."
"Her last name doesn't have to be Morello..." Lorna says wistfully and Nicky's chest tightens. She puts down the knitting, touches Lorna's hand across the table.
"Kid, you know you can't give her Christopher's name, right?" she says as gently as she can.
Lorna's smile falters just for a second, and she shakes her head, threading her fingers through Nicky's, "no, no, I know. I've been thinking though... how does Maria Nicole sound?"
The date gets closer and closer and Lorna becomes quieter and quieter. It's hardly surprising, Nicky thinks. It's difficult to be excited about a baby being born when you know you're only going to get to hold her for ten minutes before she's whisked away. She's putting on a brave face in front of their friends, but as soon as she and Nicky are alone, she breaks down. Nicky can't help but feel privileged to get to see this other side of her that no one else does, even if it is breaking her heart. She's not so good with words, but she tries to help, tries to comfort Lorna, even if it's with the way she strokes her face or whispers into her hair, or ghosts a kiss across her skin. It's the most tender she's been with anyone, and she knows Boo's talking about her losing her touch, that she hasn't been laid in months, but it's not a joke anymore. She gets that not everyone understands that, that not everyone can see her and Lorna's relationship for what it is, and that doesn't matter. All that matters is keeping Lorna safe, the best she can.
"I'm gonna be a terrible mom," Lorna whispers, cuddled up in Nicky's bunk, clutching a pillow to her chest.
"Hey, hey, none of that," she strokes Lorna's hair, presses kisses to her head, holds her closer, "you'll do great, I know you will."
Lorna twists to face her, "I can't even look after myself, let alone a baby. And by the time I get out of here, she'll be two and a half and I'll have missed everything. She won't even know who I am, Nick."
She frowns. There's nothing she can say that will make any of that less true, and she knows she doesn't have the answers Lorna needs. She doesn't know a thing about raising a kid. Even if she did, Lorna's still going to be stuck inside, and the baby is still going to be outside, and there's nothing she can do or say that's going to change that. She bundles her closer, but the silence is deafening, and she can hear Lorna begin to crack, fighting back sobs, clutching to her like she's the only thing keeping her from drowning. Under any other circumstances, she'd laugh. It's so fucking ironic that she's the one keeping this girl upright, that she's the only one looking after her, when she's never been anything but destructive before. Destructive to herself, to her friends (she has none), to her family. But there's something about Lorna that settles the wildfire inside of her, and she's not even sure who is helping who anymore.
She's asleep when the C/O arrives, shaking her awake, "Nichols, you're needed in the infirmary. The Morello kid is in labour."
No one wakes Nicky up - she's a grumpy morning person at best - but she's out of bed and running to the infirmary before the information has even processed. They usually get girls transferred to the hospital once they're ready, rarely have anyone give birth on prison premises, but Lorna's too close to be moved. She didn't tell anyone until it was too late. ('Shit, Lorna, why didn't you tell anyone?' 'I didn't wanna cause a fuss' – typical). Nicky's only there because she wouldn't stop wailing for her, and the C/Os are panicking enough without her waking up the whole prison with her shrieking. She grips her hand so tight that Nicky's sure the blood supply is being cut off, but she doesn't care. She doesn't know what she's supposed to be saying or doing, so she spends most of it telling stupid jokes, trying to make Lorna laugh between contractions, but they're too close together, and eventually she's run out of things to say, so she just keeps telling her she's doing great, keeps stroking her damp, sweaty hair, squeezing her hand tight.
Nicky Nichols doesn't cry, so it must be sweat that gets in her eyes, or some dust or something, because when she hears the baby cry for the first time, she has to hurriedly wipe at her face. She's tiny and pink, and they bundle her up in a towel and hand her to Lorna, and Nicky knows she's never seen – never will see – anything as beautiful as this moment. She makes to leave, to give them some space, knowing they won't have long together, but Lorna grabs her hand and tells her to stay.
In the morning, they take Maria away, and Lorna is so exhausted, so heartbroken, such a mess, that they give her a sedative to make sure she sleeps. Nicky thinks that's pretty fucking stupid; she's going to wake up and she's still going to be heartbroken, but she's glad the kid is getting some sleep. She waits a while, and then she goes back to her own bunk, tries to sleep.
But she can't sleep. She can't stop thinking about how everything is different now. Life isn't fair. In 24 hours, Lorna will be back, doing the same shit as everyone else, like she hasn't just had a part of her literally ripped away, and if that's not fucked up, then she's not sure what is.
When she finally drifts off, she dreams of walks in the park with a stroller, Lorna bouncing along happily, Maria eating her first ice cream. She dreams of them going to the beach, Maria building her first sandcastle, having her first paddle in the sea. Even unconscious, her mind won't let the little girl go, won't give in to the fact that she's probably never going to see her again, that the baby's going to have a whole life outside of these walls, and tomorrow she and Lorna will be back in the same lunch hall, eating the same shit, whilst the baby is miles away. And that will be their lives for the next two years.
She doesn't know how it's happened, how a less-than-a-day old infant has left such an overwhelming impression on her, but she wakes up feeling sad and empty, and she can't even imagine how Lorna is.
She makes a silent promise, the same silent promise she made months ago, and forces herself to be strong, because above anything else, she must look after Lorna. She must protect Lorna Morello at all costs.