Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural. I wish I owned Dean or Cas. Though I don't think I'd be able to handle all the angst.
A/N: This is my first foray into the Supernatural fandom and my first story in about three years. Un-beta'd so I take responsibility for any mistakes. I don't even know what this is. It jolted into my head last night and I had to get it out. My cat just wanted me to turn the light off and go to sleep.
Sometimes it's just so hard to breathe. When all the dark shit gets crowded up in your brain and you can barely think past all of it. And you don't have panic attacks, nothing girly like that. You've talked about your feelings, gotten everything out. But you should be dead three times over by now. (It's like a stench that lingers on your skin).
You still have nightmares of Hell. It's been years since you got out and it's not supposed to bother you anymore, you're supposed to be okay. But, God, it was forty years of your life, literally the worst things you could ever have imagined, and that's not going away. (You never should have been rescued).
Sometimes the utter grittiness of purgatory insinuates itself over reality. All that endless running and fighting for your life, but you felt complete for the first time. There was no room for masks or the distractions of everyday life. (Sammy didn't bother to look for you. That was the only place you truly belonged).
At times you miss the simplicity of hunting with Dad and tracking the Yellow-Eyed Demon. It's hard to comprehend the hugeness of it all. Your brain skips from one clusterfuck to another and how is this your life. You've been in survival mode since you were four years old and carried Sammy out of that burning house, and it never seems to end. But then Sam will get that nerdy glint in his eyes while he's geeking out over some research and Cas will just be there, looking unflinchingly into your eyes with that baffling mixture of exasperation and fondness. Or you'll sit down with a couple of beers with Kevin and Charlie will text you some obscure reference that only she knows you would get. Or you'll think of everyone who has sacrificed or died for you, and this is your family, this is your safe haven. (This is your home. You finally have a home). This has to be worth it.