The Adventures of Harry Potter's Second Cousin Jim and the Sorcerer's Stone
Jim Potter lay in his bed one day dreaming. He saw a pretty little fairy man named Albert. Albert pranced and danced on a teacup until Milly, the half eaten cupcake, demanded a prancing fee of one chunky peanut. Albert hung his head and cried. He could afford no chunky peanuts. Milly laughed and laughed and laughed..
Jim sat up with a start and laughed quietly at the fate of Albert. But deep down, Jim wished to prance and dance as he. He got up and tried it, but it gave him a vicious asthma attack, and he had to stop.
You see, Jim was as average a 270 pound asthmatic twelve year old as they come. And being a 270 pound asthmatic, Jim couldn't run and play as other boys do. So he had taken to collecting "Magic" cards and taking out his aggressions by eating Hostess® Fruit Pies. This obsession with the dark arts made him the perfect candidate for HOGWARTS, SCHOOL OF MAGIC!
"Jim, will you help me with supper?" asked his mom timidly.
"What am I, your slave?! Why don't you summon a clay golem to help you with supper?!" he yelled back.
"Well, I ... what...?"
"Simpleton!" he screamed "Your clay golem would be no match for my Dark Magician card! What do you make of that?"
"I'm... confused. I think I'll just order some pizza."
An hour later, Jim sat staring out his window at the first star of the night, wishing.
"Oh star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, escape my overbearing parents and maybe get the new "Magic of the Sea" booster pack tonight."
Just then, he saw a bright white owl flying towards his window with a letter in its mouth. It flew closer and closer, until it hit his window with a thwack and fell about two stories to the ground.
"All right!" he screamed "I've always wanted to try taxidermy!"
With that, he ran down the stairs towards his door as fast as he could, fell down wheezing and panting from an asthma attack, had a coughing fit, grabbed the dead bird and took it back to his room. After prying a letter loose from it's mouth and throwing it away, Jim sat and wondered what exactly taxidermy involved. He expected that the bird would had to be stuffed, so he took apart a teddy bear and crammed as much stuffing down the bird's throat as he could. (It was actually only unconscious.)
Suddenly, a huge, hairy man broke down the door to Jim's room.
"Wendigo! .........I mean, I'd like to be the first to welcome you to Hogwart's School of ... Holy God, what did you do to my owl?!"
"Taxidermy," Jim said, holding up a curiously bloated owl.
The big man sobbingly added Jim to his hit list and left.
Just then, a large steam train plowed through Jim's bedroom wall and stopped just in front of him.
"Uh, hi," said Jim.
"Hello," said the train, "I'm taking you on a magical journey to a distant land. Please stay in your seat until the ride comes to a complete stop. Attendants will be serving coffee, biscuits, and vomit bags within the hour. Enjoy your ride, and have a nice day."
"Uh..."
All at once, the train door opened and a bunch of big ogres stepped out. They beat Jim unconscious, stuffed him in a burlap sack, and dragged him on board. The train started up again and took out the rest of the house and half the houses in the neighborhood before it got to...
Chapter two
Hogwarts
The train plowed through the front door and ran over a few of the school's students before stopping. When it had come to a complete stop, the ogres threw Jim in his sack out a window, and onto the floor. The train started up again, and obliterated much of the East wing on it's way out the other side.
Jim lay untouched in the burlap sack for over an hour when finally, it was untied by two fellow students, Boy and Armani.
"Do you guys have any food?" asked Jim hopefully.
"Just these moshanoonga weeds that make you incontinent without satisfying your hunger at all," said Armani.
"Mmmmm," said Jim, who had eaten them by the time she had finished saying that, "Those didn't satisfy my hunger at all! Where's the bathroom?"
"No time for that," said Boy excitedly, "Class starts in just ten seconds."
"Will there be a toilet?"
"Silly, silly," said Armani, "There are no toilets here. Next week, we learn how to turn our bodily waste into potholders with a simple spell."
"B... But that's next week! What do you do till then?"
"Hold it."
"But... whoops, too late. So, where's our first class?"
"Just down that dark, creepy corridor," said Boy, pointing down a dark, creepy corridor guarded by a dozen axe wielding orcs.
"Uh, are those janitors?"
"Yup"
"Oh"
They passed through the corridor and ended up in a pretty, light green room decorated with finger paintings and apples and stuff. Jim and his new friends took seats up front and waited for the teacher. A giant, floating eye moved into the room and took it's place in front of the class.
"Hello," it said in a sinister voice, "I am Sauron, the formerly great and magnificent. Of course, I would still be great and magnificent if it weren't for those filthy little hobbits. Now I am reduced to training insolent youngsters the basics of magic." The eye squinted. "Just out of morbid curiousity, are there hobbits in the room?"
A hand raised in the back. The eye whistled, and a giant spider walked in, devoured the hobbit, and left.
"Okay," he said, "Now to business. I'm to teach you little cretins about magical jewelry. And while we're on that subject, if anyone finds a gold ring that looks sorta like a wedding ring, just give it to one of the orc... I mean janitors you find patrolling the school. That would be great. Thanks. Now then, jewelry is the pretty stuff you wear. Magical jewelry is the magical pretty stuff you wear."
"I like this class," said Armani happily.
"You!" Sauron yelled at a frightened Armani, "I do not tolerate talking in my class!"
"I'm sorry."
"Congratulations, little girl, you've just volunteered yourself to demonstrate one of the nine rings of power!"
"Well, okay. How hard could it be?"
Sauron gazed directly at her and squinted as he gave her a ring.
"You have no idea!" he said. "So, who else wants a ring?"
Everyone sat perfectly still. Sauron whistled and the giant spider came in and randomly ate a student. Everyone raised their hands.
"Bwahahahahahahaha! Foolish mortals! .........I mean, pass the rings back please."
"Wow," said Jim to Armani. "That was intense. Are you okay?"
"Shire! Baggins!" she mumbled in a deep, creepy voice.
"Uhh..."
"I'm fine. All hail Sauron."
"Sure... thing..."
Just then, the bell rang.
"So, where to next?" asked Jim.
"We're off to wand class!" said Boy excitedly. "It's the most funnest class in the world!"
"Oh... well, where can I get me a wand?"
Boy blinked at him.
"Well, in that case, off to wand class."
On the way to wand class, a suspiciously beautiful bird flew at Jim and burst into flames. A pile of ashes hit the ground and was just about to reincarnate as another bird, when janitor took care of it with a dustbuster.
"I don't know how the little bastards keep getting in here," said the janitor.
A lesser boy would have been stunned by something like this, but not Jim. No, in fact, it was at this moment that Jim realized his connection with all things magical. It was at this moment that Jim realized that he was, in fact, the CHOSEN ONE! It all made sense to him now; every detail of his life. The cherry fruit pie he found in the lemon pie package. His obsession with chickens. The fuzzy birth mark on his neck. Jim knew at that moment, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he must find this ring, this one ring. He must give it to lord Voldomor, and together they would rule the world!
But first, he needed a wand. Jim was feeling hungry again, so he ate most of a nearby houseplant and kept the stem.
"Hurry!" said Boy. "We have to get to wand class!"
"Where is it?" asked Jim.
"Just up that stairwell."
He pointed to a stairwell that was entirely, oddly void of stairs.
"Uh, where are the stairs?"
Boy was about to answer when suddenly, a set of stairs menacingly leapt out of the shadows and tackled him. Another dropped from the ceiling and body slammed him. Just as Jim was distracted, two sets snuck up behind him and double teamed him. They then held him down while a third punched him repeatedly in the stomach. Once the stair cases had cleaned the two out of money and valuables, they carelessly tossed them to a floor that, coincidentally, was their chosen floor.
Once the boys got to wand class, they discovered that Armani was already there and had been slaying all her fellow students with a crooked broadsword and asking about a ring. Jim craftily avoided death by lighting her on fire. She gave a bloodcurdling screech and ran out of the room. Ten minutes later, she came back, without the broadsword or her unfashionable giant wraith cloak, soaking wet, and took her seat next to them.
"Uhh... what was that all about?" asked Boy.
"Why, whatever do you mean?" asked a still bloodstained Armani. "And what illness has taken our classmates?"
Boy and Jim moved over a seat. She did the same. So they knocked her unconscious with a lamp and stashed her in a broom closet, sat down in the back, and played dead as a joke. The teacher, a jolly, plump fairy woman, took her place in front of the class without noticing that her students were dead.
"Why hello there class," she said cheerily. "My, but aren't you an attentive bunch!"
The class stayed dead.
"Well now, I'm going to teach you lovely children about how to use your magic wands. Now, my name is Merriwether, so lets go around the room and introduce ourselves."
The class stubbornly continued to be dead.
"All right. Now that that's settled, let's move on. First things first. The correct wand posture is this: arm extended, wand held between the index, middle, and ring fingers and the thumb. Now, would anyone like to demonstrate?
Nobody moved.
"Yes, yes, I see a hand in the front. And what did you say your name was, sir? Alright Jeremy. My, but aren't you a bright one. Class, I think we can all learn something from Jeremy here. Look at his superb posture."
Suddenly, Jim couldn't take it anymore and yelled "He's dead, you dumb bitch! They're all dead! Can't you see that?"
"I'm sorry young man, did you have a question?"
"Yeeeeeeeess. How do I turn shit into potholders?"
She told him. Jim spent the next hour taking an overdue dump and turning it into a potholder along with anyone who told him it was wrong of him to take a dump on the corpse of a boy named Jeremy. At least the wand teacher was out of the way.
Elsewhere...
Deep in the dark heart of Utah, there lay a dark, secluded building where dark, secluded secrets were kept in dark, secluded filing cabinets where they were attended by dark, secluded secretaries wearing dark, secluded underpants. It was here, in this building that the government's biggest secret chose to hide itself: the Umbrela corporation. Deep inside this shady factory lie hundreds of corpses; some decayed or slightly rigored, others freshly dead. They were kept in vaults always under lock and key. Why? Because there was something very odd about these corpses. They were still alive. Reanimated by the mysterious t-virus and thriving to fulfill only man's base instincts (to eat and get laid), these horrid dead things would stop at nothing to consume the living if allowed. That is why only the finest security measures were taken to ensure no screwups.
"Hey Randall," said one of the finest security guards money could buy.
"Yeah Mitch?" said one of the finest custodians money could buy.
"You doin' anything?"
"Nope. You?"
"Uh uh. Wanna do something?"
"Like what, Mitch?"
"Let's go tease the zombies again."
"Hee hee."
They ventured over to the zombie vaults and entered the four digit access code. Doors opened up into the rooms containing the vaults. Inside, through ten inch glass, unholy abombinations could be seen, first milling about, then advancing on the windows to get a better view at the humans.
"You wanna press the button Mitch?" said Randall.
"Hee hee," said Mitch, and hit a button on the wall. The doors slid open and dozens of zombies made a slow but sure beeline for the door. Just as they got there, the doors closed.
"Hee hee," laughed Mitch. "Your turn."
The door opened. The zombies growled and tried once again to leave. The door closed.
Door open. "Grrrrrrrr." Door close.
Door open. "Grrrrrrrr." Door close.
Each time, they got closer and closer to freedom.
Door open. "Grrrrrrrr." Door close.
Door open. "Grrrrrrrr." *Break*. *Snatch*. *Munch*. *Chew*.
"Oh shit," said Mitch as zombies devoured his face.
"I am Ash Katchem, Pokemon master!" said Jim's summoning teacher. "Years ago, I found the true path to catching them all: magic. With the aid of summoning, all pokemon are now under my control and ready for service in the ranks of my army."
"Hold on," said a boy in the front row. "I've seen your show. It's supposed to be through hard work and perseverance that you catch them all, not magic. You're cheat..."
"Pikachu! Thundershock!" Ash interrupted.
A yellow rat sitting on Ash's shoulder shot a bolt of lightning at the student. He died.
"Like I was saying," Ash continued, "summoning isn't just a hobby, it's a way of life. With it, you can obtain pokemon, food, money, pokeballs, Misty's identical, nymphomaniac twin sister, and most of all, power. Power to rule the world. Now, we're going to start with a simple conjuring. I want you to point your wands forward and repeat after me: 'Bibbidy... Bobbidy... Boo!'"
"Funny," said Jim, "That's the potholder spell."
"Again!" yelled Ash.
Jim felt an electric charge in the air, and a small, plump figure appeared before him. It resembled a hamster, only it was fatter and walked upright.
"Dear God," said Jim, "it's a hamtarro!"
Ash gasped.
"No, you fool! It's a pokemon! And I'm gonna catch it! Pikachu! Thundershock!"
A bolt of lightning hit the hamtarro in the stomach. It uttered an "Oh deary me," before violently popping in a bloody explosion.
"That's gotta be the most satisfying thing I've ever seen in my life," said Jim.
Suddenly, two students in the back stood up and ripped off their Japaneese schoolgirl disguises.
"It's Team Rocket!" yelled Ash in a homosexual voice.
"Prepare for trouble..." started Jesse.
"Shut up," said James, bitch slapping her. "Today we're all about business! We want Pikachu, twerp."
James pulled a handgun.
"W...what kind of Pokemon is that?" asked Ash.
"A Glockomom."
"But that's not in the Pokedex..." Ash started to say as a Bulletomon ripped through his head.
"Guess he just didn't have what it takes to be number one! Hahahaha," said James.
Jim would have congratulated them both, but he wanted Ash's fancy palm pilot and he was afraid they would take it. So he knocked them unconscious with a conjured crowbar.
"Wow," said an impressively English sounding boy after Jim had looted Ash's corpse of his pokedex, money, pokeballs, League hat, and Pikachu. "What an impressive swing you have, Jim. Would you like to join our quidich team?"
"What's quidich? And how do you know my name?" asked Jim.
"Why, everyone knows your name... JIM!"
"But... huh?"
"Never mind that. Now, quidich is a fun broomstick game."
"Huh. Fine. Where do you meet?"
"Just outside."
Jim donned the league hat, sacked Pikachu, and stuffed the rest in his pockets. He then followed the English kid outside.
"This is the quidich field," the English boy said proudly as he led Jim onto an old, dilapidated baseball field. "Here is your broom."
He gave Jim a broom.
Just then, a bunch of burly teamsters with broomsticks stepped out onto the field.
"Uh... How... do you... play?" asked Jim fearfully.
"Well, it's you against... uhh... them. Yes, well, have fun. I'll time you."
"Wh... what?!" Jim shrieked.
At about that time, a bunch of burly teamsters beat the shit out of him with broomsticks.
An hour later, Jim was laying in a full body cast in the nurse's office, smiling to himself.
"I hit one of them," he thought happily.
He would have done a happy little victory dance, but he was afraid his spleen would fall out again. And besides, he was in a body cast.
Suddenly, in ran boy.
"Are you okay?" he asked. "I heard about that nasty quidich game, and I..."
"Quidich?" he interrupted. "I LOVE QUIDICH!!!"
"I... think you're delusional."
"Oh, what do you know?" he asked crazily. "You're just the fuzzy slipper fairy. Your specialty is sinus infections, not head trauma."
"Are you sure you're not..."
"I said the great Gegnot needs no popcorn! You will listen or your kidneys will be required of you!"
"In mustard," he added.
"Don't worry, Jim. I'll help you through this. I'll never leave your side."
"Wha... You're not a concerned friend, you're a pokemon! I'm gonna see what the pokedex has to say about you!"
With his left pinky (the only part of him not broken), Jim drew his pokedex and opened it to reveal this entry:
"The creature before you is, in fact, a concerned friend, and not a pokemon, you stupid jackass."
"I knew it!" Jim mumbled incoherently. "So your weakness is your eyes, is it? You're gonna get it now!"
With his left pinky, Jim let Pikachu out of his sack and ordered him to thundershock Boy. Pikachu clawed his eyes out, electrocuted the hell out of both of them, tried to escape out of a closed window, and knocked himself unconscious.
Five hours and a healing spell later, Jim had re-sacked Pikachu and was well on his way to finding out that Hogwarts was under siege by T-virus zombies from Utah.
"We've gotta save Hogwarts!" yelled Boy. "This is our chance to be heroic! To gain respect! To..."
Jim kicked him in the balls and ran. He got about ten feet before collapsing from an asthma attack. It was then that he had to witness, flat on his back, a zombie feeding frenzy. A horde of them were now upon Boy, just that fast.
Now, it is a little known fact that zombies are picky eaters. They'll eat a piece of skin here, a finger there, but never anything vital. That is why their victims are able to rise from the dead moments later without any major motor skills problems. The last attempt to study this phenomenon ended tragically when (surprise surprise), the zombies attacked. You'd think they'd learn sooner or later.
The first zombie, a tall, lanky fellow, pushed him to the ground. The rest sat around him Indian style and began knowing here and there. After they felt they had fulfilled their duties as undead scourge, they left muttering this and that about diets and having already eaten.
Jim was panic stricken. What to do? The zombies would be back for him soon, and he wasn't sure how many he could turn into potholders before they had him surrounded. He longed for a Hostess® Twinkie®. He summoned one.
Suddenly, the zombie in the lead sniffed the air. All turned and stared longingly at Jim. Jim was frozen with fear as they advanced ever so slowly.
"Them Twinkies®?" the one in the lead asked.
"Yes? ........."
The zombie snatched it and ate it slowly, in ecstasy.
"mmm..." he said. "That golden sponge cake! That delectable cream filling! These Hostess® Twinkies® cakes are irresistible! I'll never hunger for the flesh of the living again!"
They all quickly agreed, except for Jim, who had just had his Twinkie stolen. Blind hatred enveloped him. His eyes widened and turned blood red. His teeth grew sharp and vicious.
Just as the lead zombie was pulling out his favorite book, Jim lunged forward and tore his throat out. The rest he dispatched with little resistance as they started a conversation on world politics.
"Bless me little hobbit feet," said Frodo the hobbit, stepping out from the corner. "You've killed the barrow wights! Here. I was on my way to pawn this shiny ring and head to Vegas, but I want you to have it..."
Jim was still in a frenzy, so he killed the fuzzy midget too. After he came to, he grabbed the ring, was rejoined by an undead Boy, and continued to the mess hall.
He got there to find it completely taken over by T-virus zombies. T-virus zombies were at the pinball machines. A T-virus lunch lady was serving T- virus students meatloaf surprise. Jim suddenly got a feeling of extreme prejudice.
"So, this is the way it's gonna be, huh?" he said to Boy. "It only takes one or two of you, and then there goes the town! Well, I won't have it! All of you can go to hell!"
He stormed out in a rage, leaving Boy in tears. Boy, distraught, went and found some new zombie friends who loved him for who he was.
Jim went to magical jewelry class, but the fun had gone out of it. There were only three other non-zombies in the class and Jim sat with them. The rest of the room filled with zombies who sat down attentively, and all were greeted by a T-virus zombie-Sauron who was nice to his students and not concerned with world domination at all.
"This school has gone to hell!" said Malfoy, one of the non-zombie students.
"I long for the good old days of quidich matches, tantric sex, and muggle hunts," said another. "These zombies are ruining our fine school."
"I've got a Nimbus 2000!" said the last.
"It's time something was done!" said Jim. "We should form a hate group! Who are you guys?"
"I'm Malfoy," said Malfoy.
"I'm Lord Voldomor," said the second guy. "Call me Bill."
"I'm Larry," said the last.
"Well guys, welcome to the newly established New Academic Zombie Intolerance group, or NAZIs for short."
"We're gonna need a hideout!" said Malfoy.
"And muffins!" said Larry.
"I've got just the place," said Bill. "The Chamber Of Secrets."
The four gave Sauron a secret NAZI sign that inexplicably showed distain for all things T-Virus, and left.
They followed Bill (Lord Voldomor) down to the basement of the school to an old linen closet where the song "It's A Kind Of Magic" by Queen perpetually played from a loudspeaker.
"This," said Bill, "is the Chamber Of Secrets. It's an old linen closet where I used to keep my porn until Hagred stole it."
"Who's Hagred?" asked Jim. "Is he the dean?"
"No, just a mean man who stole all my porn. Since then, I've devoted the purpose of this chamber to EVIL! I need only an item of great power, and this chamber will cleanse this school of the unwanted."
They walked inside. It was a very small closet: dusty and damp, and it smelled of old cheese. There was a small slot in the wall with a sign above it that said; "Insert object of power here."
"Our mission," said Bill, "Is to find an object of great power."
"It's A Kind Of Magic" got to the good part. Bill stopped to listen to it.
"Couldn't we just use a magic wand?" asked Malfoy.
"The headmaster, Gandalph, wittles those things out of old broomsticks every day after breakfast. We need something with real power," said Bill.
"I use a plastic spoon," said Larry.
"All right," said Bill, "Larry, you go after headmaster Gandalf's hat."
"I'll go after the cafeteria's vat of meatloaf surprise," said Malfoy, "That stuff has tasted a little funny after the old headmaster mysteriously disappeared. Maybe the old bean still has some magic mojo in him yet."
"Eww. I ate some of that," said Jim.
"Yeah. Isn't it great?"
"... I'll go after Armani's magic wraith ring."
"And I..." said Bill, who suddenly noticed one last porno still stashed underneath a linen, "will, uh, safeguard the Chamber Of Secrets."
The other three left in such a excitement, they hardly even noticed Bill lock himself in the linen closet.
Malfoy was on a mission. One last touch (his lucky, lucky Freddie Prince Junior man panties), and was ready for action. He took the ventilation shaft on the opposite side of the school because he felt that the wide open access door to the kitchen was too risky. He knew for a fact that there were no high tech security systems or anything, but he felt it would be a good idea to blow up the boiler, just in case. He easily dispatched all the guard orcs with a rabid kitten infected with the T-Virus. And just for good measure, he took out about sixty students in the nearby vicinity with a sniper rifle. The board was set. Now, the execution.
One vent led directly to the kitchen, the other to the girls' locker room. He knew what he had to do. A well placed knockout-gas grenade insured that anyone who could spot him was good and unconscious before he dropped in. Unfortunately, since Malfoy had not brought a gas filter, it also insured that he, too, would be unconscious for an hour or so. When he came to, he discovered that there wasn't anyone in the girls' locker room in the first place anyway. He shot up the toilets with a gattling gun just in case. He left.
Before him lay the hallway which led to the cafeteria, which led to the kitchen. The only thing that stood in his way was Billy the hall monitor, a crafty little ten-year-old who kept track of things in Hogwarts for Gandalf in exchange for lolly pops. Billy squinted suspiciously and brandished his lolly pop. Malfoy brandished his gattling gun.
"I'm gonna report y..." Billy almost said.
Malfoy took his lolly pop and moved on the door. The door was unloscked, which made Malfoy angry because he wouldn't get to use his new lock-pick set. He took it out with a pinapple grenade. Just to make things more challenging, he took some shrapnel to the leg.
The cafeteria was empty. Eerily empty. (Well, not to eery. Lunch was hours ago.) Malfoy tested out his army crawl, which he'd been practicing for weeks. He reached the kitchen door.
He entered the kitchen. It was greasy and smelly. He sensed much danger there. Mostly, he sensed last week's cottage cheese. He spun around. He saw his quarry. The vat of rancid meatloaf surprise lay there invitingly, glowing like the holy grail. He advanced upon it slowly. Suddenly, a deep voice caught him by surprise.
"So, mid-meal snacking, are we, Mr. Malfoy?"
It was Hugo, the hefty head lunch lady. She was six foot five, 480 pounds, and built like a truck. Malfoy knew he had a fight on his hands. She glared, challengingly. He glared back. He grabbed a wooden spoon. She drew her number three throwing spatula. She muttered a German warcry.
Jim found Armani at Hogwart's bar nursing a pint of scotch.
"Hi, Aramani, how've you been?" asked Jim in a faux-friendly manner.
"I'm useless," she mumbled.
"Huh. Hey, can I look at that shiny ring of yours?"
"Sauron doesn't need me anymore. I can't find the one ring of power. I'm a failure....."
"Well..."
"Boy is a zombie, everybody hates me, a bunch of orcs keep asking me for orders..."
"Maybe you should..."
"Yes, you're right, Jim. I should just end it all right now! I don't need to go on living if there's nothing to live for!" She finished her scotch. "I loved you, Jim. I want you to know that before I kill myself."
"Oh, well if you're gonna kill yourself, can I have your ring?"
Armani glared at him and looked angry. Her skin began to fade, turning first translucent, and then invisible.
"It's myyyyyyyy preeeecioooouuuuuusssssssss," she said, drawing her crooked broadsword.
"Can we talk this over?" asked Jim.
Armani stopped and started to cry. She pulled a revolver and tried to shoot himself. Jim captured her in a pokeball to stop her. Then he remembered that he didn't actually need her alive to take her ring. He laughed quietly at the thought of how silly it would look to watch an invisible girl kill herself. He threw the pokeball. When it opened, all that hit the floor was an empty wraith-cloak.
"Anyone seen a naked invisible girl trying to kill herself?" he asked.
A man at the bar mentioned he had and that she was Satan's concubine and possessed the keys to the magical kingdom of Hamsterland. Jim left.
Everyone made it back to the basement at roughly the same time. Some were in better condition than others. "What happened to you?" Bill asked a battered, bleeding, and half paralyzed Malfoy.
"I got in a fight with Hugo the lunch lady. She's stronger that she looks."
"So, no meatloaf?"
Malfoy began to cry.
"She... she held me down and made me watch... made me watch as she ate the whole vat. A... and then she told me I was next...." Malfoy threw up.
"Huh. Any luck with you, Larry?"
Larry nodded and proudly produced headmaster Gandalf's pants.
"Larry, you were supposed to get his hat," said Bill. "Hold on, how did you manage to steal his pants?!"
Larry blushed, looked embarrassed and ran away to cry in the corner.
"What about you, Jim?" asked Malfoy with his dying breath.
"Nope. No luck here," Jim said nonchalantly.
He started to play with something he found in his pocket.
"Hey!" said Bill. "What's that?"
"Oh, just a wedding band I got from a furry leprechaun before I ate his gizzard."
"Fool! That's no wedding band, that's the ring!"
"Uh... which?"
"The one ring!"
"The who?"
"The one ring!" he said louder.
"Yeah... what?"
"The one ring to rule them all!!"
"All what?"
"THEM ALL!!! THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL!!!!!!" he shouted.
"Oh. It's shiny."
Just then, the door to the basement burst open and dozens of orcs rushed in, drawn to the mention of the ring.
"Damn it! Just had to make me repeat myself, didn't you?"
The orcs had them surrounded. There was no escape. Jim, perplexed, consulted the pokedex. He found this entry:
"Why don't you leave me alone, jackass?"
He looked again.
"They're orcs, dumbass. You're so stupid! If I wasn't contained within a handy plastic case, I would ass-rape you, you stupid bitch."
He was just about to timidly ask the pokedex what he should do in this situation and ask it to please stop bullying him, when more orcs infected with T-Virus (remember, the kitten?) hobbled in and started eating the living orcs because, oddly enough, a species infected with T-Virus only eats it's own species. And since orcs are much more ravenous than humans, they ate each other down to the bone until there was only one left. The last one patiently tried to eat himself.
"Alright," said Bill, "Let's activate the Chamber Of Secrets. Gimme the ring."
"No! My precious!" said Jim.
Bill thought for a second.
"Look, Jim, a sandwich!" he yelled.
"Where?!" Jim spun around.
Bill snatched the ring from him and dropped it in the slot in the Chamber Of Secrets.
"Dirty trick," said Jim, joining him in the Chamber Of Secrets.
They were joined by Larry, and the last three living NAZIs observed the fruits of their labor. There was an eery glow from the slot as the sign that read "Place object of power here" began to change. The letters swirled and mixed and flowed and changed until the sign instead showed these four characters: 1:00.
"Huh," said Jim.
A second later, the sign changed to read 0:59. And then 0:58.
"Uhh..." said Bill.
0:57
0:56
"Hmm..." said Jim.
0:55
0:54
"It's a microwave!" said Larry. "I want a hot dog!"
0:53
0:52
"Maybe we should..." started Bill.
0:51
"...go," he finished.
All quickly agreed and made for the exit, trampling Malfoy's corpse on the way out. They wound their way out of the basement and up into the school. Quickly, they made their way into the great hall and towards the entrance to the school. Along the way, Larry got distracted from running for his life by someone he knew and went to go talk to him. The remaining two NAZIs made it out the door just as the timer got to 0:02.
The two young wizards got to the front lawn just in time to hear a deafening explosion. They turned. Where once was Hogwart's school of magic was now an enormous mushroom cloud. Smoke filled the sky and debris showered the landscape. Just like that, the most obscure learning center ever built was lost to all wizard kind forever.
"Huh," said Jim, and had a fruit pie.
The End
Jim Potter lay in his bed one day dreaming. He saw a pretty little fairy man named Albert. Albert pranced and danced on a teacup until Milly, the half eaten cupcake, demanded a prancing fee of one chunky peanut. Albert hung his head and cried. He could afford no chunky peanuts. Milly laughed and laughed and laughed..
Jim sat up with a start and laughed quietly at the fate of Albert. But deep down, Jim wished to prance and dance as he. He got up and tried it, but it gave him a vicious asthma attack, and he had to stop.
You see, Jim was as average a 270 pound asthmatic twelve year old as they come. And being a 270 pound asthmatic, Jim couldn't run and play as other boys do. So he had taken to collecting "Magic" cards and taking out his aggressions by eating Hostess® Fruit Pies. This obsession with the dark arts made him the perfect candidate for HOGWARTS, SCHOOL OF MAGIC!
"Jim, will you help me with supper?" asked his mom timidly.
"What am I, your slave?! Why don't you summon a clay golem to help you with supper?!" he yelled back.
"Well, I ... what...?"
"Simpleton!" he screamed "Your clay golem would be no match for my Dark Magician card! What do you make of that?"
"I'm... confused. I think I'll just order some pizza."
An hour later, Jim sat staring out his window at the first star of the night, wishing.
"Oh star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, escape my overbearing parents and maybe get the new "Magic of the Sea" booster pack tonight."
Just then, he saw a bright white owl flying towards his window with a letter in its mouth. It flew closer and closer, until it hit his window with a thwack and fell about two stories to the ground.
"All right!" he screamed "I've always wanted to try taxidermy!"
With that, he ran down the stairs towards his door as fast as he could, fell down wheezing and panting from an asthma attack, had a coughing fit, grabbed the dead bird and took it back to his room. After prying a letter loose from it's mouth and throwing it away, Jim sat and wondered what exactly taxidermy involved. He expected that the bird would had to be stuffed, so he took apart a teddy bear and crammed as much stuffing down the bird's throat as he could. (It was actually only unconscious.)
Suddenly, a huge, hairy man broke down the door to Jim's room.
"Wendigo! .........I mean, I'd like to be the first to welcome you to Hogwart's School of ... Holy God, what did you do to my owl?!"
"Taxidermy," Jim said, holding up a curiously bloated owl.
The big man sobbingly added Jim to his hit list and left.
Just then, a large steam train plowed through Jim's bedroom wall and stopped just in front of him.
"Uh, hi," said Jim.
"Hello," said the train, "I'm taking you on a magical journey to a distant land. Please stay in your seat until the ride comes to a complete stop. Attendants will be serving coffee, biscuits, and vomit bags within the hour. Enjoy your ride, and have a nice day."
"Uh..."
All at once, the train door opened and a bunch of big ogres stepped out. They beat Jim unconscious, stuffed him in a burlap sack, and dragged him on board. The train started up again and took out the rest of the house and half the houses in the neighborhood before it got to...
Chapter two
Hogwarts
The train plowed through the front door and ran over a few of the school's students before stopping. When it had come to a complete stop, the ogres threw Jim in his sack out a window, and onto the floor. The train started up again, and obliterated much of the East wing on it's way out the other side.
Jim lay untouched in the burlap sack for over an hour when finally, it was untied by two fellow students, Boy and Armani.
"Do you guys have any food?" asked Jim hopefully.
"Just these moshanoonga weeds that make you incontinent without satisfying your hunger at all," said Armani.
"Mmmmm," said Jim, who had eaten them by the time she had finished saying that, "Those didn't satisfy my hunger at all! Where's the bathroom?"
"No time for that," said Boy excitedly, "Class starts in just ten seconds."
"Will there be a toilet?"
"Silly, silly," said Armani, "There are no toilets here. Next week, we learn how to turn our bodily waste into potholders with a simple spell."
"B... But that's next week! What do you do till then?"
"Hold it."
"But... whoops, too late. So, where's our first class?"
"Just down that dark, creepy corridor," said Boy, pointing down a dark, creepy corridor guarded by a dozen axe wielding orcs.
"Uh, are those janitors?"
"Yup"
"Oh"
They passed through the corridor and ended up in a pretty, light green room decorated with finger paintings and apples and stuff. Jim and his new friends took seats up front and waited for the teacher. A giant, floating eye moved into the room and took it's place in front of the class.
"Hello," it said in a sinister voice, "I am Sauron, the formerly great and magnificent. Of course, I would still be great and magnificent if it weren't for those filthy little hobbits. Now I am reduced to training insolent youngsters the basics of magic." The eye squinted. "Just out of morbid curiousity, are there hobbits in the room?"
A hand raised in the back. The eye whistled, and a giant spider walked in, devoured the hobbit, and left.
"Okay," he said, "Now to business. I'm to teach you little cretins about magical jewelry. And while we're on that subject, if anyone finds a gold ring that looks sorta like a wedding ring, just give it to one of the orc... I mean janitors you find patrolling the school. That would be great. Thanks. Now then, jewelry is the pretty stuff you wear. Magical jewelry is the magical pretty stuff you wear."
"I like this class," said Armani happily.
"You!" Sauron yelled at a frightened Armani, "I do not tolerate talking in my class!"
"I'm sorry."
"Congratulations, little girl, you've just volunteered yourself to demonstrate one of the nine rings of power!"
"Well, okay. How hard could it be?"
Sauron gazed directly at her and squinted as he gave her a ring.
"You have no idea!" he said. "So, who else wants a ring?"
Everyone sat perfectly still. Sauron whistled and the giant spider came in and randomly ate a student. Everyone raised their hands.
"Bwahahahahahahaha! Foolish mortals! .........I mean, pass the rings back please."
"Wow," said Jim to Armani. "That was intense. Are you okay?"
"Shire! Baggins!" she mumbled in a deep, creepy voice.
"Uhh..."
"I'm fine. All hail Sauron."
"Sure... thing..."
Just then, the bell rang.
"So, where to next?" asked Jim.
"We're off to wand class!" said Boy excitedly. "It's the most funnest class in the world!"
"Oh... well, where can I get me a wand?"
Boy blinked at him.
"Well, in that case, off to wand class."
On the way to wand class, a suspiciously beautiful bird flew at Jim and burst into flames. A pile of ashes hit the ground and was just about to reincarnate as another bird, when janitor took care of it with a dustbuster.
"I don't know how the little bastards keep getting in here," said the janitor.
A lesser boy would have been stunned by something like this, but not Jim. No, in fact, it was at this moment that Jim realized his connection with all things magical. It was at this moment that Jim realized that he was, in fact, the CHOSEN ONE! It all made sense to him now; every detail of his life. The cherry fruit pie he found in the lemon pie package. His obsession with chickens. The fuzzy birth mark on his neck. Jim knew at that moment, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he must find this ring, this one ring. He must give it to lord Voldomor, and together they would rule the world!
But first, he needed a wand. Jim was feeling hungry again, so he ate most of a nearby houseplant and kept the stem.
"Hurry!" said Boy. "We have to get to wand class!"
"Where is it?" asked Jim.
"Just up that stairwell."
He pointed to a stairwell that was entirely, oddly void of stairs.
"Uh, where are the stairs?"
Boy was about to answer when suddenly, a set of stairs menacingly leapt out of the shadows and tackled him. Another dropped from the ceiling and body slammed him. Just as Jim was distracted, two sets snuck up behind him and double teamed him. They then held him down while a third punched him repeatedly in the stomach. Once the stair cases had cleaned the two out of money and valuables, they carelessly tossed them to a floor that, coincidentally, was their chosen floor.
Once the boys got to wand class, they discovered that Armani was already there and had been slaying all her fellow students with a crooked broadsword and asking about a ring. Jim craftily avoided death by lighting her on fire. She gave a bloodcurdling screech and ran out of the room. Ten minutes later, she came back, without the broadsword or her unfashionable giant wraith cloak, soaking wet, and took her seat next to them.
"Uhh... what was that all about?" asked Boy.
"Why, whatever do you mean?" asked a still bloodstained Armani. "And what illness has taken our classmates?"
Boy and Jim moved over a seat. She did the same. So they knocked her unconscious with a lamp and stashed her in a broom closet, sat down in the back, and played dead as a joke. The teacher, a jolly, plump fairy woman, took her place in front of the class without noticing that her students were dead.
"Why hello there class," she said cheerily. "My, but aren't you an attentive bunch!"
The class stayed dead.
"Well now, I'm going to teach you lovely children about how to use your magic wands. Now, my name is Merriwether, so lets go around the room and introduce ourselves."
The class stubbornly continued to be dead.
"All right. Now that that's settled, let's move on. First things first. The correct wand posture is this: arm extended, wand held between the index, middle, and ring fingers and the thumb. Now, would anyone like to demonstrate?
Nobody moved.
"Yes, yes, I see a hand in the front. And what did you say your name was, sir? Alright Jeremy. My, but aren't you a bright one. Class, I think we can all learn something from Jeremy here. Look at his superb posture."
Suddenly, Jim couldn't take it anymore and yelled "He's dead, you dumb bitch! They're all dead! Can't you see that?"
"I'm sorry young man, did you have a question?"
"Yeeeeeeeess. How do I turn shit into potholders?"
She told him. Jim spent the next hour taking an overdue dump and turning it into a potholder along with anyone who told him it was wrong of him to take a dump on the corpse of a boy named Jeremy. At least the wand teacher was out of the way.
Elsewhere...
Deep in the dark heart of Utah, there lay a dark, secluded building where dark, secluded secrets were kept in dark, secluded filing cabinets where they were attended by dark, secluded secretaries wearing dark, secluded underpants. It was here, in this building that the government's biggest secret chose to hide itself: the Umbrela corporation. Deep inside this shady factory lie hundreds of corpses; some decayed or slightly rigored, others freshly dead. They were kept in vaults always under lock and key. Why? Because there was something very odd about these corpses. They were still alive. Reanimated by the mysterious t-virus and thriving to fulfill only man's base instincts (to eat and get laid), these horrid dead things would stop at nothing to consume the living if allowed. That is why only the finest security measures were taken to ensure no screwups.
"Hey Randall," said one of the finest security guards money could buy.
"Yeah Mitch?" said one of the finest custodians money could buy.
"You doin' anything?"
"Nope. You?"
"Uh uh. Wanna do something?"
"Like what, Mitch?"
"Let's go tease the zombies again."
"Hee hee."
They ventured over to the zombie vaults and entered the four digit access code. Doors opened up into the rooms containing the vaults. Inside, through ten inch glass, unholy abombinations could be seen, first milling about, then advancing on the windows to get a better view at the humans.
"You wanna press the button Mitch?" said Randall.
"Hee hee," said Mitch, and hit a button on the wall. The doors slid open and dozens of zombies made a slow but sure beeline for the door. Just as they got there, the doors closed.
"Hee hee," laughed Mitch. "Your turn."
The door opened. The zombies growled and tried once again to leave. The door closed.
Door open. "Grrrrrrrr." Door close.
Door open. "Grrrrrrrr." Door close.
Each time, they got closer and closer to freedom.
Door open. "Grrrrrrrr." Door close.
Door open. "Grrrrrrrr." *Break*. *Snatch*. *Munch*. *Chew*.
"Oh shit," said Mitch as zombies devoured his face.
"I am Ash Katchem, Pokemon master!" said Jim's summoning teacher. "Years ago, I found the true path to catching them all: magic. With the aid of summoning, all pokemon are now under my control and ready for service in the ranks of my army."
"Hold on," said a boy in the front row. "I've seen your show. It's supposed to be through hard work and perseverance that you catch them all, not magic. You're cheat..."
"Pikachu! Thundershock!" Ash interrupted.
A yellow rat sitting on Ash's shoulder shot a bolt of lightning at the student. He died.
"Like I was saying," Ash continued, "summoning isn't just a hobby, it's a way of life. With it, you can obtain pokemon, food, money, pokeballs, Misty's identical, nymphomaniac twin sister, and most of all, power. Power to rule the world. Now, we're going to start with a simple conjuring. I want you to point your wands forward and repeat after me: 'Bibbidy... Bobbidy... Boo!'"
"Funny," said Jim, "That's the potholder spell."
"Again!" yelled Ash.
Jim felt an electric charge in the air, and a small, plump figure appeared before him. It resembled a hamster, only it was fatter and walked upright.
"Dear God," said Jim, "it's a hamtarro!"
Ash gasped.
"No, you fool! It's a pokemon! And I'm gonna catch it! Pikachu! Thundershock!"
A bolt of lightning hit the hamtarro in the stomach. It uttered an "Oh deary me," before violently popping in a bloody explosion.
"That's gotta be the most satisfying thing I've ever seen in my life," said Jim.
Suddenly, two students in the back stood up and ripped off their Japaneese schoolgirl disguises.
"It's Team Rocket!" yelled Ash in a homosexual voice.
"Prepare for trouble..." started Jesse.
"Shut up," said James, bitch slapping her. "Today we're all about business! We want Pikachu, twerp."
James pulled a handgun.
"W...what kind of Pokemon is that?" asked Ash.
"A Glockomom."
"But that's not in the Pokedex..." Ash started to say as a Bulletomon ripped through his head.
"Guess he just didn't have what it takes to be number one! Hahahaha," said James.
Jim would have congratulated them both, but he wanted Ash's fancy palm pilot and he was afraid they would take it. So he knocked them unconscious with a conjured crowbar.
"Wow," said an impressively English sounding boy after Jim had looted Ash's corpse of his pokedex, money, pokeballs, League hat, and Pikachu. "What an impressive swing you have, Jim. Would you like to join our quidich team?"
"What's quidich? And how do you know my name?" asked Jim.
"Why, everyone knows your name... JIM!"
"But... huh?"
"Never mind that. Now, quidich is a fun broomstick game."
"Huh. Fine. Where do you meet?"
"Just outside."
Jim donned the league hat, sacked Pikachu, and stuffed the rest in his pockets. He then followed the English kid outside.
"This is the quidich field," the English boy said proudly as he led Jim onto an old, dilapidated baseball field. "Here is your broom."
He gave Jim a broom.
Just then, a bunch of burly teamsters with broomsticks stepped out onto the field.
"Uh... How... do you... play?" asked Jim fearfully.
"Well, it's you against... uhh... them. Yes, well, have fun. I'll time you."
"Wh... what?!" Jim shrieked.
At about that time, a bunch of burly teamsters beat the shit out of him with broomsticks.
An hour later, Jim was laying in a full body cast in the nurse's office, smiling to himself.
"I hit one of them," he thought happily.
He would have done a happy little victory dance, but he was afraid his spleen would fall out again. And besides, he was in a body cast.
Suddenly, in ran boy.
"Are you okay?" he asked. "I heard about that nasty quidich game, and I..."
"Quidich?" he interrupted. "I LOVE QUIDICH!!!"
"I... think you're delusional."
"Oh, what do you know?" he asked crazily. "You're just the fuzzy slipper fairy. Your specialty is sinus infections, not head trauma."
"Are you sure you're not..."
"I said the great Gegnot needs no popcorn! You will listen or your kidneys will be required of you!"
"In mustard," he added.
"Don't worry, Jim. I'll help you through this. I'll never leave your side."
"Wha... You're not a concerned friend, you're a pokemon! I'm gonna see what the pokedex has to say about you!"
With his left pinky (the only part of him not broken), Jim drew his pokedex and opened it to reveal this entry:
"The creature before you is, in fact, a concerned friend, and not a pokemon, you stupid jackass."
"I knew it!" Jim mumbled incoherently. "So your weakness is your eyes, is it? You're gonna get it now!"
With his left pinky, Jim let Pikachu out of his sack and ordered him to thundershock Boy. Pikachu clawed his eyes out, electrocuted the hell out of both of them, tried to escape out of a closed window, and knocked himself unconscious.
Five hours and a healing spell later, Jim had re-sacked Pikachu and was well on his way to finding out that Hogwarts was under siege by T-virus zombies from Utah.
"We've gotta save Hogwarts!" yelled Boy. "This is our chance to be heroic! To gain respect! To..."
Jim kicked him in the balls and ran. He got about ten feet before collapsing from an asthma attack. It was then that he had to witness, flat on his back, a zombie feeding frenzy. A horde of them were now upon Boy, just that fast.
Now, it is a little known fact that zombies are picky eaters. They'll eat a piece of skin here, a finger there, but never anything vital. That is why their victims are able to rise from the dead moments later without any major motor skills problems. The last attempt to study this phenomenon ended tragically when (surprise surprise), the zombies attacked. You'd think they'd learn sooner or later.
The first zombie, a tall, lanky fellow, pushed him to the ground. The rest sat around him Indian style and began knowing here and there. After they felt they had fulfilled their duties as undead scourge, they left muttering this and that about diets and having already eaten.
Jim was panic stricken. What to do? The zombies would be back for him soon, and he wasn't sure how many he could turn into potholders before they had him surrounded. He longed for a Hostess® Twinkie®. He summoned one.
Suddenly, the zombie in the lead sniffed the air. All turned and stared longingly at Jim. Jim was frozen with fear as they advanced ever so slowly.
"Them Twinkies®?" the one in the lead asked.
"Yes? ........."
The zombie snatched it and ate it slowly, in ecstasy.
"mmm..." he said. "That golden sponge cake! That delectable cream filling! These Hostess® Twinkies® cakes are irresistible! I'll never hunger for the flesh of the living again!"
They all quickly agreed, except for Jim, who had just had his Twinkie stolen. Blind hatred enveloped him. His eyes widened and turned blood red. His teeth grew sharp and vicious.
Just as the lead zombie was pulling out his favorite book, Jim lunged forward and tore his throat out. The rest he dispatched with little resistance as they started a conversation on world politics.
"Bless me little hobbit feet," said Frodo the hobbit, stepping out from the corner. "You've killed the barrow wights! Here. I was on my way to pawn this shiny ring and head to Vegas, but I want you to have it..."
Jim was still in a frenzy, so he killed the fuzzy midget too. After he came to, he grabbed the ring, was rejoined by an undead Boy, and continued to the mess hall.
He got there to find it completely taken over by T-virus zombies. T-virus zombies were at the pinball machines. A T-virus lunch lady was serving T- virus students meatloaf surprise. Jim suddenly got a feeling of extreme prejudice.
"So, this is the way it's gonna be, huh?" he said to Boy. "It only takes one or two of you, and then there goes the town! Well, I won't have it! All of you can go to hell!"
He stormed out in a rage, leaving Boy in tears. Boy, distraught, went and found some new zombie friends who loved him for who he was.
Jim went to magical jewelry class, but the fun had gone out of it. There were only three other non-zombies in the class and Jim sat with them. The rest of the room filled with zombies who sat down attentively, and all were greeted by a T-virus zombie-Sauron who was nice to his students and not concerned with world domination at all.
"This school has gone to hell!" said Malfoy, one of the non-zombie students.
"I long for the good old days of quidich matches, tantric sex, and muggle hunts," said another. "These zombies are ruining our fine school."
"I've got a Nimbus 2000!" said the last.
"It's time something was done!" said Jim. "We should form a hate group! Who are you guys?"
"I'm Malfoy," said Malfoy.
"I'm Lord Voldomor," said the second guy. "Call me Bill."
"I'm Larry," said the last.
"Well guys, welcome to the newly established New Academic Zombie Intolerance group, or NAZIs for short."
"We're gonna need a hideout!" said Malfoy.
"And muffins!" said Larry.
"I've got just the place," said Bill. "The Chamber Of Secrets."
The four gave Sauron a secret NAZI sign that inexplicably showed distain for all things T-Virus, and left.
They followed Bill (Lord Voldomor) down to the basement of the school to an old linen closet where the song "It's A Kind Of Magic" by Queen perpetually played from a loudspeaker.
"This," said Bill, "is the Chamber Of Secrets. It's an old linen closet where I used to keep my porn until Hagred stole it."
"Who's Hagred?" asked Jim. "Is he the dean?"
"No, just a mean man who stole all my porn. Since then, I've devoted the purpose of this chamber to EVIL! I need only an item of great power, and this chamber will cleanse this school of the unwanted."
They walked inside. It was a very small closet: dusty and damp, and it smelled of old cheese. There was a small slot in the wall with a sign above it that said; "Insert object of power here."
"Our mission," said Bill, "Is to find an object of great power."
"It's A Kind Of Magic" got to the good part. Bill stopped to listen to it.
"Couldn't we just use a magic wand?" asked Malfoy.
"The headmaster, Gandalph, wittles those things out of old broomsticks every day after breakfast. We need something with real power," said Bill.
"I use a plastic spoon," said Larry.
"All right," said Bill, "Larry, you go after headmaster Gandalf's hat."
"I'll go after the cafeteria's vat of meatloaf surprise," said Malfoy, "That stuff has tasted a little funny after the old headmaster mysteriously disappeared. Maybe the old bean still has some magic mojo in him yet."
"Eww. I ate some of that," said Jim.
"Yeah. Isn't it great?"
"... I'll go after Armani's magic wraith ring."
"And I..." said Bill, who suddenly noticed one last porno still stashed underneath a linen, "will, uh, safeguard the Chamber Of Secrets."
The other three left in such a excitement, they hardly even noticed Bill lock himself in the linen closet.
Malfoy was on a mission. One last touch (his lucky, lucky Freddie Prince Junior man panties), and was ready for action. He took the ventilation shaft on the opposite side of the school because he felt that the wide open access door to the kitchen was too risky. He knew for a fact that there were no high tech security systems or anything, but he felt it would be a good idea to blow up the boiler, just in case. He easily dispatched all the guard orcs with a rabid kitten infected with the T-Virus. And just for good measure, he took out about sixty students in the nearby vicinity with a sniper rifle. The board was set. Now, the execution.
One vent led directly to the kitchen, the other to the girls' locker room. He knew what he had to do. A well placed knockout-gas grenade insured that anyone who could spot him was good and unconscious before he dropped in. Unfortunately, since Malfoy had not brought a gas filter, it also insured that he, too, would be unconscious for an hour or so. When he came to, he discovered that there wasn't anyone in the girls' locker room in the first place anyway. He shot up the toilets with a gattling gun just in case. He left.
Before him lay the hallway which led to the cafeteria, which led to the kitchen. The only thing that stood in his way was Billy the hall monitor, a crafty little ten-year-old who kept track of things in Hogwarts for Gandalf in exchange for lolly pops. Billy squinted suspiciously and brandished his lolly pop. Malfoy brandished his gattling gun.
"I'm gonna report y..." Billy almost said.
Malfoy took his lolly pop and moved on the door. The door was unloscked, which made Malfoy angry because he wouldn't get to use his new lock-pick set. He took it out with a pinapple grenade. Just to make things more challenging, he took some shrapnel to the leg.
The cafeteria was empty. Eerily empty. (Well, not to eery. Lunch was hours ago.) Malfoy tested out his army crawl, which he'd been practicing for weeks. He reached the kitchen door.
He entered the kitchen. It was greasy and smelly. He sensed much danger there. Mostly, he sensed last week's cottage cheese. He spun around. He saw his quarry. The vat of rancid meatloaf surprise lay there invitingly, glowing like the holy grail. He advanced upon it slowly. Suddenly, a deep voice caught him by surprise.
"So, mid-meal snacking, are we, Mr. Malfoy?"
It was Hugo, the hefty head lunch lady. She was six foot five, 480 pounds, and built like a truck. Malfoy knew he had a fight on his hands. She glared, challengingly. He glared back. He grabbed a wooden spoon. She drew her number three throwing spatula. She muttered a German warcry.
Jim found Armani at Hogwart's bar nursing a pint of scotch.
"Hi, Aramani, how've you been?" asked Jim in a faux-friendly manner.
"I'm useless," she mumbled.
"Huh. Hey, can I look at that shiny ring of yours?"
"Sauron doesn't need me anymore. I can't find the one ring of power. I'm a failure....."
"Well..."
"Boy is a zombie, everybody hates me, a bunch of orcs keep asking me for orders..."
"Maybe you should..."
"Yes, you're right, Jim. I should just end it all right now! I don't need to go on living if there's nothing to live for!" She finished her scotch. "I loved you, Jim. I want you to know that before I kill myself."
"Oh, well if you're gonna kill yourself, can I have your ring?"
Armani glared at him and looked angry. Her skin began to fade, turning first translucent, and then invisible.
"It's myyyyyyyy preeeecioooouuuuuusssssssss," she said, drawing her crooked broadsword.
"Can we talk this over?" asked Jim.
Armani stopped and started to cry. She pulled a revolver and tried to shoot himself. Jim captured her in a pokeball to stop her. Then he remembered that he didn't actually need her alive to take her ring. He laughed quietly at the thought of how silly it would look to watch an invisible girl kill herself. He threw the pokeball. When it opened, all that hit the floor was an empty wraith-cloak.
"Anyone seen a naked invisible girl trying to kill herself?" he asked.
A man at the bar mentioned he had and that she was Satan's concubine and possessed the keys to the magical kingdom of Hamsterland. Jim left.
Everyone made it back to the basement at roughly the same time. Some were in better condition than others. "What happened to you?" Bill asked a battered, bleeding, and half paralyzed Malfoy.
"I got in a fight with Hugo the lunch lady. She's stronger that she looks."
"So, no meatloaf?"
Malfoy began to cry.
"She... she held me down and made me watch... made me watch as she ate the whole vat. A... and then she told me I was next...." Malfoy threw up.
"Huh. Any luck with you, Larry?"
Larry nodded and proudly produced headmaster Gandalf's pants.
"Larry, you were supposed to get his hat," said Bill. "Hold on, how did you manage to steal his pants?!"
Larry blushed, looked embarrassed and ran away to cry in the corner.
"What about you, Jim?" asked Malfoy with his dying breath.
"Nope. No luck here," Jim said nonchalantly.
He started to play with something he found in his pocket.
"Hey!" said Bill. "What's that?"
"Oh, just a wedding band I got from a furry leprechaun before I ate his gizzard."
"Fool! That's no wedding band, that's the ring!"
"Uh... which?"
"The one ring!"
"The who?"
"The one ring!" he said louder.
"Yeah... what?"
"The one ring to rule them all!!"
"All what?"
"THEM ALL!!! THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL!!!!!!" he shouted.
"Oh. It's shiny."
Just then, the door to the basement burst open and dozens of orcs rushed in, drawn to the mention of the ring.
"Damn it! Just had to make me repeat myself, didn't you?"
The orcs had them surrounded. There was no escape. Jim, perplexed, consulted the pokedex. He found this entry:
"Why don't you leave me alone, jackass?"
He looked again.
"They're orcs, dumbass. You're so stupid! If I wasn't contained within a handy plastic case, I would ass-rape you, you stupid bitch."
He was just about to timidly ask the pokedex what he should do in this situation and ask it to please stop bullying him, when more orcs infected with T-Virus (remember, the kitten?) hobbled in and started eating the living orcs because, oddly enough, a species infected with T-Virus only eats it's own species. And since orcs are much more ravenous than humans, they ate each other down to the bone until there was only one left. The last one patiently tried to eat himself.
"Alright," said Bill, "Let's activate the Chamber Of Secrets. Gimme the ring."
"No! My precious!" said Jim.
Bill thought for a second.
"Look, Jim, a sandwich!" he yelled.
"Where?!" Jim spun around.
Bill snatched the ring from him and dropped it in the slot in the Chamber Of Secrets.
"Dirty trick," said Jim, joining him in the Chamber Of Secrets.
They were joined by Larry, and the last three living NAZIs observed the fruits of their labor. There was an eery glow from the slot as the sign that read "Place object of power here" began to change. The letters swirled and mixed and flowed and changed until the sign instead showed these four characters: 1:00.
"Huh," said Jim.
A second later, the sign changed to read 0:59. And then 0:58.
"Uhh..." said Bill.
0:57
0:56
"Hmm..." said Jim.
0:55
0:54
"It's a microwave!" said Larry. "I want a hot dog!"
0:53
0:52
"Maybe we should..." started Bill.
0:51
"...go," he finished.
All quickly agreed and made for the exit, trampling Malfoy's corpse on the way out. They wound their way out of the basement and up into the school. Quickly, they made their way into the great hall and towards the entrance to the school. Along the way, Larry got distracted from running for his life by someone he knew and went to go talk to him. The remaining two NAZIs made it out the door just as the timer got to 0:02.
The two young wizards got to the front lawn just in time to hear a deafening explosion. They turned. Where once was Hogwart's school of magic was now an enormous mushroom cloud. Smoke filled the sky and debris showered the landscape. Just like that, the most obscure learning center ever built was lost to all wizard kind forever.
"Huh," said Jim, and had a fruit pie.
The End