A/N: Hey guys. I wrote a Seblaine fic a while ago and I haven't updated it in about 6 months. I'm sorry I just haven't got any inspiration and I think I was fucking Blaine up.
So here's a one-shot. It may become more but I don't know.
There's no pairing.
Spoilers for 4x04 with gratuitous references to 2x6, 2x14, 3x5, 3x11, 3x17, and 4x3
Enjoy
How I Live Now
Breathe, walk, eat, smile. That's how I live now. Ever since I did the worst thing I could have done that's all I do. I know a lot of people that have done bad things, but I did the worst. Finn outed Santana, Puck threw pee balloons at Kurt, Sebastian threw rock salt slushy at me. I deserve that again. And again. But I did the worst. I took the person who most gave my life meaning, who most inspired anyone he ever met, who'd worked hard for everything he wanted, and I broke his heart. Why? Because I was lonely.
People are lonely every day. People with worse lives than mine. People have long distance relationships and don't cheat. Not like me. Santana and Brittany didn't cheat, Rachel didn't cheat (well I guess she did kiss that Brody dude but she was technically single...) But I did. Why did I do it? I have no answer. The Blaine that went to Eli's house that night wasn't the Blaine that welcomed Marley to Glee Club or took Kurt's hand and led him through the halls of the majestic Dalton Academy of Westerville. But that is no excuse. There will never be one.
And I chose Eli, someone I'd only talked to on Facebook. I don't even remember his face. Al I remember was getting on my hands and knees and wishing everything would just stop. I hurt my love with someone I didn't even know. At least Sebastian had a face and a voice and green eyes that flirted without words. But Eli was no one; just like I am no one. At least that's what I hope I am to Kurt now.
Sam is the only person other than the crowd at New York (minus Brody) that knows what I did. We were doing something for student council when he asked me what was wrong. He didn't tell me it was okay, or that he understood, or anything about Jesus or strippers or use those impressions of his. He just listened. And I guess that's all I needed. Not that I deserved it. Sam didn't see me cry. No one sees me cry anymore.
It's been weeks since I've talked to Kurt. It's almost Halloween now. If he could have gotten off work, he was going to come down here and we'd dress up as Batman and Robin. Considering I had the costume and all. (He said Harry Potter was too cheesy.) We went as Snooki and The Situation last year. Why couldn't I go back to last year? Maybe I'll go as Nightwing this year; Robin on his own. Or Red Hood. That would be better. The Boy Wonder Defamed.
They've decorated the halls in ridiculous Halloween decorations, but I can't get into them like everyone else. I don't get into anything anymore. I don't deserve it. Sometimes I wonder if the whole school knows what I did. If they know I destroyed him. (Like I can give myself credit for going as far as 'destroying'. He's better than I am.) I wonder if they know I'm capable of hurting someone like that. That I'm capable of hurting myself as well.
Grease auditions started but I hold no interest in it anymore. Sam is trying out for Danny and he's asked me to help him. I guess he forgot the whole Summer Nights thing last winter. I've been putting on my Happy Blaine face and extra campy bowties while helping him. But I know Sam sees through my sadness. He doesn't say anything, and I know I don't deserve him to.
This sadness is not new to me. It's an old friend I haven't talked to in a while. He found me as a kid. I wasn't like the other boys and I didn't know how to handle that. (I don't think I do yet.) My father knew that and couldn't stand to look at his son. I can't stand to look at him either. Cooper was... Cooper. The star of How To Succeed in Making Blaine Anderson Feel Inadequate Without Really Trying. Even with that, I did miss him when he went off to college or wherever.
Then I found Dalton. Then I found my home. The sadness was at Dalton, it always was. I thought running away from my problems would stop them, but it wasn't that easy. Life never is. But then one day as I was walking to class, a hand tapped my shoulder and asked where to go. The most radiant face I've ever seen. One I didn't deserve then and one I sure as hell don't deserve now. I took his hand and led him to the room where I sang Katy Perry. For the next year and half I pretended I was worthy of the angel at my side. The sadness went away, but was never far. It came back when I found myself flustered over Sebastian. It came back when I was angry with my brother for simply existing. It wasn't his fault, either of their faults. It was all mine.
Now I don't know what to do with my future anymore. I can't go to New York. I can't be reminded of my failure any more than I already am. My mother senses my depression and is considering sending me back to Dalton. But how can I walk through those halls without remembering every moment I spent with him? How can I look Nick or Jeff in the eye and act like I didn't break the heart of the boy who was once their friend, too? How can I hear the new bird sing and not think of how Pavarotti started all this? How can I see Sebastian and not feel guilty because he was the first person that came to Kurt's mind when I told him what I did? How can dapper Blaine Warbler ever return?
Until my mind is made up for me, I go through the motions of life. Eat, sleep, be President with Sam, sing, smile, breathe. This is how I live now.