A Side of Me You Didn't Know
The meaning of life is not something that you can find in a dictionary, or on the internet, or in an encyclopaedia. You can't just ask someone and expect them to give you an answer right away. The meaning of life is found in in the friendships you make, the family you live for, and the relationships which burn brighter than sunshine. They are what makes every day special and each day whole, and you get to a point where you realise that without them, your life would be meaningless and empty. Relationships are the same. There isn't much to say about them other than that when you find someone that you've fallen head over heels for, you don't rush by telling them that you love them a week after you get together. Likewise, if you really, truly love someone and they have doubts about you, you don't rush them into being with you. Because you wait. You wait because you love them, and to be in a relationship with them where they're not sure they want to be in it is worse than not being with them at all. The minute that wait is over makes it all worthwhile because you know that there will never be anyone else who can make you feel that love. The kind of love you wait for. The true kind of love.
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
But, what is true love?
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
Tony DiNozzo had wondered that a million times during his life, and through a most part, a foolish part, he'd sought to discover the meaning of love in ridiculous one night stands and fleeting relationships. Other times, he'd watched old romance movies, the black and white kind, to see what it was that made the originals special. Now, he had abandoned the one night stands in favour of one particular woman. No other woman had him feel so strongly, and yet so confused, at the same time. That was probably why he kept returning to those old movies for answers, even though they never provided any. He knew that he was close, even though he shouldn't be, of falling for her. They were co-workers, and there were rules against being together, and he'd certainly get a damaging head-slap for his efforts, if nothing else, so he had managed to catch himself every time. So far, that is. There was only so many times that he could stop himself, only so many times he could listen to the voice in the back of his head, and the self control couldn't last forever. He didn't want to hold back. He didn't want to pretend anymore. Not when she enticed him so much.
That I just want you to know
I found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
It was the way that he felt when he heard her voice. Her alluring accent that had faded from when she first arrived, but was still present in her tone. It was how he wanted to feel her fingertips brushing at his bare skin again, like she had when they were undercover together. That night, he'd been able to hold her in his arms, touch her wherever he pleased, say things a lover would say - benefits of being undercover as a married couple - but the best part of all had been when he'd had Jean Paul tell Sophie that he loved her, and he had actually seen the fragile beginnings of a blush spreading over her cheeks.
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
But it wasn't the way that they had kissed, on that same mission, or even the way that she had fit into his arms beneath the blankets, that was making him fall for her. Neither of those were responsible. He'd known from the start that any passion between them, real or faked for a mission, would be explosive. Their mission only confirmed this. Had it been the simple memory of that mission, three years ago now, he wouldn't have been so desperate to see her when he heard she was coming with Gibbs to the Seahawk. He couldn't make do with a memory. He wanted the real her.
The real her, that without trying, had caused him to fall.
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
It was the way that she always smelt so good, even if it was just her shampoo. He could never pinpoint the exact fragrance, despite his previous reputation with women. It was a scent that he'd never come across before. He knew that she kept a spare bottle of shampoo in her cabinet at work in case of those overnight cases that had them digging through dumpsters. Once, she'd been down to the gym for a shower, and when she had returned to the squad room he'd found himself making excuses to go over to her desk, just for one more fix of that gorgeous aroma.
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
It was in the way that her head always found the right spot on his shoulder; a memorised position from falling asleep in the oddest of places. He remembered searching a suspects house, and having her drop her head onto his shoulder just as the first snore had escaped her. Some nights, they'd been in the back of the car, Gibbs driving as they ended up asleep in the back seat. One night, he'd been awake still, and had dared to wrap his arm around her. He'd been able to delight in the sensation of her breathing against his collarbone for just a moment before Gibbs had spotted this in the rear view mirror and accelerated, throwing them both out of position.
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
It was in the way she looked when she was sleeping. He'd walked into the squad room many times to see her sleeping on the floor behind her desk, when she was so exhausted that she was willing to sleep anywhere. He'd always approach her, keeping as silent as possible, to readjust the jacket she was using for a blanket. When he'd first done this, she'd woken when he was on the other side of her desk, but more recently she'd grown more trusting, and he'd been able to, on occasion, lift her completely without her waking. Twice now, he'd taken her into his arms and down into Abby's lab to place her on the futon. The forensic scientist had smiled on the first occasion, when she had rolled back into his arms, pinning him in place and keeping her at her side. Of course, it was easy for him to slip out of her embrace without her knowing, but the chance of a few short hours with her head on his chest, and her arms around him, was too much to pass up.
I found a reason for me
It was the ease in which she fit into his arms; the simplicity that came from the embraces they didn't need to think about. Like, for instance, when they'd been involved in a hostage situation and their gunman had decided to be typical and grab the nearest woman to him to use as his hostage - it had just happened to be her. Of course, he'd never greatly feared for her life, especially with her training, because she'd have killed him before he even thought about firing his gun, but his heart still pounded because the thought of his partner being merely hurt when he was supposed to be watching her six. He remembered the way her shoulders had relaxed after Gibbs had put handcuffs over the man and Tony had jogged over to them, checking her all over for any injuries and then wrapping his arms around her for a moment. He'd always smile when he felt her arms holding him back.
It was how cute she was when she was eating. He'd never been fond of the word 'cute', especially with eating habits, and she'd probably murder him with a plastic spoon just for imagining that word in the same sentence as her name, but she brought out a different side to him. He liked the way she'd pick up a larger slice of pizza, just to get it before him, with one hand, and then quickly bring up her other to help when the melted cheese would start escaping from her; or how she'd hold the box of Chinese and manage to gesture in a thousand different directions without a single noodle flying across the room; or she'd fight him about always getting his choice of take out rather than hers or McGee's. Once, when she'd offered to cook dinner for him after they had been trapped in a shipping container all day, he had hovered in the doorway of her kitchen, watching her cook. When he'd been caught out in his gazing, however, he'd been roped into helping - something that had been more fun than the actual thought of having dinner with her
To change who I used to be
It was the way she'd spend hardly any time prepping for an undercover assignment. She'd always go down to Abby's lab to change and get to grips with her role physically, but no matter what she was pretending to be for the mission, she'd end up leaving the lab less than fifteen minutes later, make up, hair and outfit all accounted for - sometimes even an accent as well. There was only one time when she'd spent a ridiculously long time getting ready, a much more recent op where she'd been posing as having dinner with Tony. Their killer was targeting young marine women who had been proposed to on the same night of their deaths, along with that of their partners, so they had posed as the soon to be 'engaged' couple for the night. Of course, that had meant staging a proposal and pretending to be helplessly in love for the night. It hadn't been that hard to do. However, before they left they had almost run out of time and angered Gibbs, because she'd locked herself in the lab with Abby and refused to leave until she was satisfied with how she looked. It didn't matter how much he banged on the door, she took all the time she wanted, and when she eventually left the lab in a navy blue dress, he'd barely had the chance to pick his jaw up from the floor when she physically did it for him.
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
It was the way she was always warm, even when it was freezing outside, although recently he hadn't been sure whether this was something he just felt because his own body temperature shot through the roof when she was near him. He'd first noticed it that night undercover, and every time since when she'd lean over his shoulder, trying deliberately to tease him; how her warm breath would send pulses of heat through his skin. It was when she smiled, as well, that he felt the warmth, one that radiated from her whenever something truly made her laugh uncontrollably. He found that warmth more amazing than fire. No, her warmth was the only one that captivated him.
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
It was the way she'd make no big deal out of any compliments given to her, even though her ninja sense probably told her what people were about to say before they did. She didn't fish for compliments, but it was clear from the smile that would grace her lips after she heard them that she enjoyed them. Abby would have no trouble telling her that she looked great. From McGee, it would be more stammering that would give it away. Gibbs would just nod his approval and remind her that a job needed doing. Tony, on the other hand, would always approach her separately and take a good look up and down her body, knowing that it teased her at first, but more recently because he suspected she liked it, then assure her that she looked amazing. Not great. Not good. Amazing.
And so I have to say before I go
It was the way she looked when she was arguing or angry. Of course, it was mostly with him, so he got to see it a lot. Perhaps that was why he pissed her off on purpose, come to think of it. He knew that he'd never get bored of seeing the slightest of frowns but so much fire in her eyes, or the occasional tightening over her lips that made him want to kiss her an awful lot (one of the many temptations he'd never given in to). Instead, he would try to one up her until one of two things would inevitably happen: either he'd realise he couldn't, or Gibbs would step in and slap him - always him. But he liked the fury she'd direct at him, in a strange way. It was like when you'd punch a girl in the playground in the arm to show that you liked her. Her anger was a form of attention. Attention that he wanted.
That I just want you to know
It was the way that her hand accidentally found his, especially when it was inappropriate. Many times, they'd walked into Abby's lab to see a shocking sight before them and she'd occasionally taken a step back and found herself coming into contact with him, which pleased him to no end. He remembered a time when they'd been down in autopsy with Ducky during a power cut due to a mechanical failure in the lab. There were a vast number of bodies from a multiple homicide filling autopsy, and they'd had to talk their way around the table until they were on the same side and then try and get themselves to the lab until the power came back on. As a way of keeping together, she'd first grabbed his jacket sleeve, but when he realised that saying 'this way' didn't show her anything, he'd felt the warm sensation of her hand slipping into his. They'd been walking into the lab just as the power came back on, something that had been most unfortunate considering that the entire time had assembled there, Gibbs included, and they had held on just a split second too long - just long enough for Abby to squeal with delight at what she had seen.
It was the way she smiled at him, or anything. He could remember times when she wouldn't smile that much, as well as times when her smile would get him through the day, gentle curves that rose her cheeks that fraction closer to her eyes. She could make a room light up just by the slightest life in the corner of her lips. Of course, when she was laughing and enjoying herself, none of them could deny their own smile - unless it was McGee and they were messing around with him. She just radiated happiness, especially to him.
I found a reason for me
It was the way she had fallen into his arms crying. Just one, of course. The night before they went their separate ways when Jenny had….well, the day of Jenny's funeral. She'd left the office before he did, and he hadn't managed to say goodbye to her at the same time as the others, so he'd gone to her apartment when he was done packing. He could tell from the moment she opened the door that something was wrong, and within seconds of the door closing behind him a tear slipped down her cheek. She'd turned away from him, wiping it away, but when he'd turned her back with his arms, she'd fallen against him, letting her tears fall and allowing him the once chance to hold her before they were separated. At the time, they didn't know that they'd ever see each other again, so they made no move to step away from each other, even hours after she'd finished crying.
It was the way that her tears had made him want to march back to NCIS and punch Leon Vance in the face, just out of principle for separating them.
To change who I used to be
At the end of the day, he was a fool for her, and an even bigger fool for trying to pretend otherwise for so long. Just her being there, across from his desk, had shown him what the meaning of true love was. She had shown him so much, even in their time apart. Because whether you loved or hated someone, and whether you wished that they would die, or that you would die just to stop the pain, it didn't matter. It didn't matter because once in your life, they were your world. She had been his entire universe. That person, the one. It had been her all along, and he'd been too blind to see it, and then too scared to show it. She was everything. And when you look into the eyes of your everything, travelling to the depths of their soul, saying a million things without the trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitably consumed within the rhythmic beatings of that persons heart.
So he had to stop pretending, that was all there was too it.
A reason to start over new
He got in his car, and he drove to her apartment. He didn't even consider the other exit from the Navy yard that would take him to his own apartment. He had to do it, and he had to do it now. He'd tried to pretend that he hadn't seen the look on her face as he walked out of the elevator earlier, leaving her behind. He was just too angry at Vance to go back and assure her of anything, other than that he was pissed off. It wasn't good to do things that important when you were pissed off. But at least he'd riled her up enough to know that maybe it wouldn't be a total loss of him turning up and announcing what, exactly, he'd been pretending about in the first place. Maybe they were on the same page. Maybe she had a list of reasons that drew her to him, just like he'd reeled off in the car on the journey to her apartment. Maybe that was the reason why, when he knocked on her door, he didn't feel the slightest bit afraid.
And the reason is you
"I'm tired of pretending," he told her, when she opened her door. He didn't even let her express her surprise at him being there, mainly because he suspect there wasn't any.
She simply nodded. "You said that earlier," she noted casually.
I found a reason to show
"Yeah, I did," he nodded back, stepping into the hall without invitation. "And now I'm showing you."
A side of me you didn't know
When he kissed her, he realised that he couldn't do her justice by listing off the reasons why he loved her. He just had to live them out. He had to relish in her sleeping on his shoulder, or smiling, or laughing. He had to live for them. To encourage them. Because these feelings were a thing of the heart, not of the mind or of the eyes. Being with her made him want to do big romantic things, things that didn't even exist in movies.
A reason for all that I do
"I'm in love with you, Ziva," he told her, parting their lips ever so slightly. "And I'm not going to pretend that I'm not. Not anymore."
She looked at him for the longest time, and then returned her lips to his softly. "Good," she nodded, before kissing him properly again.
And the reason is you
END
A/N: Okay, so maybe it was a bit cheesy, but it was in my head after watching Cloak. For those of you that didn't pick it up, the song is The Reason by Hoobastank - and if you haven't discovered this beautiful song I hereby command thee to head over to youtube and seek out it's excellentness!