For The First Time

by wornandtattered

Guilt is a powerful emotion. Sadness is another powerful emotion. Self-hatred is a dangerous emotion that can lead to anger. When these four emotions were felt altogether by one person, all of the negative feelings are heightened up. An Evanberry oneshot.

Disclaimer: Don't own Glee.

Shards of glass from the broken picture frames were all over the floor where she was lying down. Her eyes were wide open with silent tears flowing on her face, but she doesn't even blink. Her breathing was normal, though prolonged intakes could be heard in the silent apartment every once in a while. She picked up a crumpled photo that was next to her hand and opened it softly. It was the day after their wedding, he was carrying her bridal style and they both looked like it was the happiest day of their life. It is.

Rachel touched Sam's grinning face and as if on cue, another wave of tears came crashing, sweeping off the last wave and making it flow on her nose and cheeks.

It's killing her to say this, but she meant the last thing she told him before he left. She doesn't think she can be with him anymore.

...

His hands were covering his face, elbows on top of the table. They were wet; because he couldn't hold the tears any longer since before he walked in the bar. It was very crowded, and noisy, and it should make a good distraction, but it can't. He can still feel his pain, feel hers. He doesn't know what to think anymore and it's driving him crazy because his past self could have solved this within five minutes whereas his present self doesn't even know where to begin. All he knew for sure is that this time around, it was too far to be fixed.

That made him feel a hundred times worse.

"Beer?" the bartender asked.

He just nodded.

After trying his best to fix his appearance, he took a large swig at the bottle and took another. He was having a headache, and he knew only she can make him feel better.

"Hi." He turned at the female voice and saw a pretty brunette, smiling at him. "I see you're alone."

He looked at his front. The only girl, let alone a person he wanted to talk to him was Rachel. "I'm not interested."

"You look like you have nothing to lose." She said, still insisting.

The thought made him clench his jaw. "I said I'm not interested."

She moved a little bit and suddenly, he can see her more clearly now. "Come on, just for fun."

That hit a nerve. "I said I'm not fucking interested!" he pushed his stool away and stood up. With a final glare at the girl, he walked near the bartender to pay the drink. He opened his wallet and before took out the money, he saw their smiling photo. He bit his lower lip to keep himself from crying again.

...

"This is Sam and Rachel Evans! Were so sorry we couldn't pick up the phone right now but feel free to leave a message."

"Rachel? It's me Kurt. I know Sam's not there because Blaine saw him walking in the street a while ago." There was a pause. "I saw you outside the theatre earlier when Sam came to pick you up, and... this is the third time this week that you two were fighting just after rehearsals."Another pause and a sigh. "I know these past few months are hard for you both and neither of you are the one to blame. Rachel, you two never used to fight and were worried for you guys."

"I'm worried too, Kurt." Rachel said quietly. She slowly got up from the floor and made her way to her side of the bed. She sat down and opened her drawer. There were notes, photos and music cds but she kept digging until she found a planner. She opened it and smiled sadly as she held the ultrasound photo of their baby girl.

...

He's been sitting at his usual bench by the park, with the autumn air reminding him of the reality. Every time he thought about what he should say to fix things, he was reminded of the things both of them said during. And every time he thought about those hurtful things, he was reminded of what he said to her. And every time he thought of those words, it rings inside his head like an annoying bell and he couldn't erase the look on her face when he said that. And he would go back to crying and regretting that big lie that he told her in the heat of the moment.

I never should have married you.

Why the fuck did he say that? Why the fuck would he ever say that? Even fucking thinking about saying it? It wasn't true, it was never true. Even as he said it, it was only meant to hurt her because he was just so mad.

Guilt is a powerful emotion. Sadness is another powerful emotion. Self-hatred is a dangerous emotion that can lead to anger. When these four emotions were felt altogether by one person, all of the negative feelings are heightened up, such as jealousy.

After they lost their unborn child, he and Rachel always ended up fighting about trivial, irrelevant things. Logically, he knew they were nonsense. But both he and Rachel were too tough to admit their loss. He knew it was wrong to re-direct their sorrow and anger to each other, but he's only human. Both of them are. She doesn't like showing any weakness to anyone, even him. It was one of the things he loved about her. And him? He's a guy after all.

The rational part of him also knew that her cast mate Wren Madison meant nothing but a good acquaintance to Rachel. Though he knew that Wren Madison wanted something more, he trusted Rachel and this shouldn't be a big deal. But he always saw red whenever he saw him touching her arm whilst laughing after their Broadway rehearsals. This was the part of him that was scared, because she might choose another man in replacement of his failure.

He knew she felt the same whenever they would fight about his co-worker's texts. Both of them knew it, but they chose to get mad to each other and neither wanted to say anything because it felt good to let it out, no matter how much more painful it throws back.

They didn't stop fighting until they reached the apartment. In fact, it only escalated. He was still acting like a jealous prick and she was losing her patience until she snapped and argued back. Then he told her that maybe, now that she there's no pregnancy in the way, she would flirt back at any one of her co-workers whenever he's not around and she was just waiting to leave him.

Mistake number one.

She could not have looked angrier. They were arguing about work, then it diverted to their time for each other, until he himself suddenly told her it was her fault the baby died.

Mistake number two.

That earned a five second silence, and just as he snapped out of his madness and about to take it back, another row of shouts and curses were thrown back at him. No tears were shed; they were both too proud for that.

She was throwing all those frames around and he was angrily trying to take it away from her reach because she was bare footed. He forgot most of what she was shouting at him but there was the one thing he couldn't forget. She blamed his absence as the reason why she fell down the stairs that led to her miscarriage. It hurt him so bad he felt his knees gave out. It was true. He blamed himself for everything that happened. But it hurt more than he thought it possibly could when she was the one who said it. The Rachel he knew would never blame him for anything, especially that. But who is he to say that it didn't come out of anger when he himself told her he wished he never married her, also out of anger?

Mistake number three.

That was when she forgot to hold back her tears. She didn't gasp for breath, the tears just fell and she could never have looked more broken. He immediately realized what he said and started to run to her, touch her face and apologize sincerely when she put her hand up to stop him and stepped back. Like she was afraid of him.

"Baby, I-"

"Don't." she said quietly. "I—I can't, Sam."

That scared the hell out of him. "What do you mean you can't? Rach you know I-"

She bit her lip to stop crying, but it didn't work. "I can't do this anymore. I can't be with you."

After that everything went blank for him. Everything was a blur. He remembered her trying to get out of the apartment, but he told her he'd leave, seeing as it was late at night and he was always the one who gets out whenever they have a fight. Now, here he is.

He felt someone sat next to him. He just looked ahead.

"Another rough night?"

He didn't respond.

The figure looked at his side, noticing the silence. He sighed.

"This might be the end, man." He said. Even saying it makes his throat burn.

He frowned. "Dude, you should never ever say that."

Sam shook his head. "You-"

"No, man." He said. "Do you know why Quinn and I decided to live here? In this big city where it's nearly impossible to raise a family because, well, this is New York. We did it because we know you two can. Never ever say that."

Sam looked at him. "I've gone too far, Puck. I don't think even you could go there."

"Jeez, thanks for believing in me."

He just laughed bitterly.

"I know you can fix it." Puck said, patting his arm.

Sam took a deep breath. "She said she can't be with me anymore."

There was silence.

"Maybe she-"

"No, man. She wasn't angry."

"Sam," Puck said. "If she really meant it, can you do it?"

Can he? He's lived the past seventeen years without her. But the thought of waking up and sleeping and summers and Christmases without her chokes him up. He let out a few ragged breaths. "I don't think I can," he said. "But if that's what she really wants, I'll respect it."

Puck regarded him with pursed lips. "You two need to talk." He said. "About what the problem really is and you both know what I'm talking about."

"We did," Sam said with his jaw tight. "We talked about the baby-"

"I said talk, Sam, not argue and scream."

There was another moment of silence as Sam absorbed everything.

"This shouldn't be happening." He said after a while. Puck looked at him. "We should be at home, finishing dinner while I take care of her and talk to her tummy." The tears went down silently. "We should be celebrating her sixth month next week. Rachel should have been preparing for presents and music to sing to her."

Puck stayed silent. He knew Sam needed to let it out, because even though he knew this was always on his mind, he never said it out loud. He was a good friend.

"We named her Sophie." Sam continued, breaths becoming irrational. "The week before I went on that trip to Boston, we decided on her name and the colour of her room." He let out a ragged sigh because this was very hard for him. "Rach doesn't deserve this, man. She was supposed to be a clean-freak awesome mother but I blew it. She wasn't supposed to be at the theatre at this point in time, distracting herself. She's not happy because of me."

"You got it mixed up, dude." Puck intervened. "She's not happy because of what happened, not because of you. Look, if there's anyone who might have a chance of fixing this kind of thing it should be you, Sam." He chuckled a little, causing Sam to look directly at him even with a flushed face. "You're the only one who can tame the great Rachel Berry, and she only listens to you. I've seen so many times in action how much you love her and I've never seen that on anyone. Granted, I'm no expert but you know how I feel about talking about these kinds of shit so you know how much I meant this. Don't lose yourself, man."

...

She was lying at her side of the bed, looking at her wedding ring. Everything else in the apartment was dark, except for the window she was facing that reflects the bright and noisy city from the outside. She couldn't care less; all she saw was the gold band.

"Dance with me, Milady?" He asked, raising his hand with a bow while grinning.

She grinned back and took his hand. He twirled her around and held her close, forehead pressing on to each other.

They were at the broad way theatre and the show was finished two hours ago. In all honesty, they left the building after the show to eat dinner and walk around the central park, but Sam insisted they go back. After trying not to get caught while laughing all the way, they re-entered the theatre and now, they're on the stage.

"Rachel?" Sam said quietly. She opened her eyes to find him looking at her intently. "Do you really really love me? Like I-want-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-you kind of love?"

She was about to make a light comment, but when she saw the vulnerability in those eyes, she held them back. So, she decided to answer with honesty.

"Always, Sammy." She caressed the side of his face and placed a kiss on his lips. She expected to pull apart, but he deepened it by opening his mouth and tilting his head on the side for further access. She bit back a groan as she held onto him tightly. It was one of the most intense kisses they shared in the past five years not only physically, but she can also feel it to her core. What started as a passionate moment ended in a slow and meaningful one with their bodies closer. He breathed out and touched his forehead with hers while looking deep in her eyes.

"Marry me?"

She blinked, trying to process what he said and after a second of silence, there were butterflies in her stomach and her lips spread out in an unbelievable smile.

"You're serious?" she asked. Her response may be a doubtful one, but her face looked the total opposite and he had to grin at that. He knew the answer before she even said it.

"Very very serious." His gaze lingered in hers to let her know just how he really feels. "It's not love without you."

She grinned tearfully. "It's not love without you, too." She chuckled and let a tear fall. "Yes, I'll marry you Sam."

"Really?" He asked, laughing in joy. "Wait, don't answer that."

Her chuckle transpired into a full blown laugh as he twirled her around. When he put her down, he opened a ring box and revealed a gold band with three small star-shaped diamonds in the middle.

She chuckled heartily. "Stars? You know me too well, Evans."

He smiled as he wiped a tear that fell on her cheek. He then read the engraved text on the inside of the ring.

"It's not love without you." He looked at her as she bit her lip from tearing up again. "I bought this ring two years ago, because that's when I realized that I really wanted you to be my wife. The plan was this weekend, I actually had the setup and everything but I couldn't hold it anymore. I needed to ask." He placed the ring on her finger.

"Sammy." She said fondly. "You couldn't have picked a better time."

After that, everything was perfect. She couldn't stop looking at her ring, even until she became pregnant. Everything seemed pointless now, broken. She knew she shouldn't have told him that it was his fault, because it never really was. It's over now though, and everything hurts so bad she couldn't even move.

The sound of the door quietly opening and closing snapped her out of her thoughts, and made it worse all the same. He's back.

She didn't move to indicate that she was awake, and she was sure he's just going to lie down on his side of the bed and face the other way, because that's how things go after their fight. So she was a little surprised when he spoke up.

"I know you're awake, Rachel." He said slowly, quietly. "And I'm so sorry. You know I am. Were both screwed up over what happened three months ago, but never doubt that I love you. I do and I always will."

She didn't say anything, didn't want to admit that what he said made her melt a little, but not quite.

"Don't do this, Rach." He said, voice cracking up.

"Were tearing up apart, Sam." She spoke quietly, couldn't keep it any longer to herself. "Were getting worse and if we don't stop now, we'll just end up broken."

"That's not gonna happen." He said. "We let out pride in the way that's why it hurt more than it should. Don't give up on us. "

She sighed shakily. "Sam..."

"Rach please," then he strode on her side and knelt in front of her. He was struck by her broken appearance, as was she. He held both of her hands tightly. "I love you so much. I love Sophie as well." She closed her eyes as he tore up. "We should have dealt with this together, not separately. And I may be too late, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I can't lose you."

"I-I-" she stuttered. "Much has been said Sammy. I don't like it too but everything's too much." She felt something pulling inside her stomach as she saw Sam tear up. "I still love you, too."

"We can fix this. Were Sam and Rachel. I know we can." He said, trying to convince her. "We have to try, baby."

She released a shaky sigh and opened up her hands a little. He felt something in her hand and he realized that it was her wedding ring.

"Don't leave," he said, breath ragged. "I never regretted marrying you, Rachel. Never."

She stood up and knelt in front of him. "I know." She said and hugged him. He returned it with fierce and they both cried for their baby together, for the first time.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He whispered continuously as the both of them released their pain.

She thought she was too weak to do anything, especially to cry but it turned out that it was only just the beginning. She let out everything she'd been keeping away for months and as doing so, she felt her knees give out but Sam held her tighter as he let out ragged breaths. This was the third time he cried in his life, but it was the most intense. He never knew he could produce such plenty amounts of tears from his eyes. Both of them cried for their baby, for each other, and for what they did to one another.

"Give us one last chance." He whispered in her ear. The desperation in his voice was evident and she realized even though she can live without him, she was never going to be complete again.

"Always, Sammy."

...

It wasn't easy starting over again. The silence and distance that engulfed them for months was not easy to overcome but they were stronger. Soon enough, they were almost inseparable. They visited their daughter's grave twice a week, and they would sing to her.

"Sammy?"

He opened his eyes and felt her fingers tracing the outlines of his bare chest. "Yeah, baby?"

"I'm glad you didn't let me go." She said. He tightened his arm around her as he played the hem of her nightgown. He pressed his lips on her forehead.

"I'll never do that." He said.

She snuggled closer to him, moving sideways to ease the little pain on her back from the hardwood floors that they were currently lying on. "Were you ever mad at me for almost letting go?"

He chuckled deeply. "No. I was actually glad you did that."

"How come?"

He looked at her adoringly. "It made me realize what a selfish jerk I've been." Before she could protest, he cut her off. "I knew I was never ready to let go, but I was at my lowest peak. If you can't push me up then no one can."

"I'm still sorry, Sam." Rachel said, wrapping her leg around his. He held her thigh and squeezed it. "I guess were both at our lowest peaks that time."

"Don't worry about it, okay?" he said. "Were here and we made it."

She smiled at him and touched the contours of his lips. "I know I kept on saying this a lot, but I still can't believe you're the person I've been with through all of this. And like before, I say this in a good way."

He chuckled. "I can't even imagine where I am now if I didn't come back in Ohio on our senior year."

"Senior year? We got together in College, Sam."

"But we got close when I came back, remember?" He said, caressing her arm. "I was sad when I found out Mercedes was dating another guy and in return we kind of gotten close. Finn wasn't worried at all because he was sure you're not my type. Look at how wrong he was."

She grinned. "You were the only real friend I had at that time, since Kurt and Mercedes weren't in good terms with my selfish self. I was really grateful you came back. You were even there when Finn and I broke up, showing up at our doorstep with a large gallon of ice cream."

"How can I not? I was already in love with you at that time."

"What?" She faced her body towards him. "You said you fell in love with me when we were in our freshmen year, when you were still studying in California."

He shook his head. "That part was true, since I realized I love you at that moment. But if I was really honest with myself, I started falling for you even before Nationals. I just didn't do anything about it because you're my friend and you were still on love with Finn. That hurt a lot than I was ready for."

She kissed him deeply in which he reciprocated, gripping her waist a little. She pulled back after a while. "You're a good man, Sammy." She said then chuckled. "You were drunk when you told me you were in love with me. You came to visit on spring break and we went out on a karaoke bar with Kurt and the others. You were too drunk to carry yourself so I had to carry you to my apartment."

He laughed. "Yeah and I babbled like a madman. I just word vomited on you and I could not have been more embarrassed the next morning. Your face was hard to read."

"That's because I was in shock." She defended. "You were telling me everything at 4 in the morning, baby. You were talking non-stop until you just dozed off. I was too shocked to sleep."

"Clearly, because you confronted me about it after breakfast."

She bit her lip from smiling too widely. "And that was one of the best kiss that I've ever had."

"Really?" He whispered in her ear and kissed her fiercely. She held his hair and pressed tighter against him. "How about when I surprised you by moving in New York on our Junior Year?"

"That was one of the best moments." She stated fondly. "While the long distance thing worked out for us, it was too soon. You chose New York over California even if we were not graduated yet so we can be together."

He shook his head again. "Nope, I chose you over California. I got a good feeling about it and sure enough, I made the right call."

"Do you think-"

"No." He cut her off. "No what-if's Rach. This is the right what-if for us."

She looked around the salmon-coated room. "Sophie would have loved her room."

"I know she does." He said softly. "She's got the best mom."

The breeze she felt from the open window made her close her eyes as she became teary eyed. "Sam?"

He looked at her. "Yeah, baby?"

"I'm pregnant."

He stopped his tracks. And after a moment of silence, he let out a series of small chuckles. "Wha—Rach, really?" she smiled tearfully as he released a shaky breath and a full blown smile. "Wait, don't answer that." Then he hugged her tightly while chuckling every now and then.

She closed her eyes, smiling. "I found out this morning. I figured I wanted to tell you here in her room."

"You couldn't have picked a perfect time." He held her face and kissed her nose. "It's gonna be better now, baby, I promise." He kissed her full on the lips and she replied just as passionate.

They pulled away after a while but Sam lingered on the side of her lips. "It's not love without you."

She grinned tearfully. "It's not love without you too, Sammy."

AN:

This oneshot is based on The Script's For The First Time. Though I've put some twist into it but the main idea came from that song. I just felt like writing a bunch of Evanberry oneshots based from songs because I kind of felt inspired and I've been coming up on a bunch of storylines in my head.

Sorry for the wrong grammar and misspelled words. Please read and review!