A ten year old Naruto was wandering the village aimlessly when he saw something which made him pause in surprise- a man with an emotionless face. He stood watching the man for a moment, waiting in vain for an expression to pass his face. The man took a step forward then said, "Hello Naruto. My name is Danzo." The man then paused and studied Naruto's face a while before continuing. "What would you do for respect?"
Naruto at first laughed, then seeing the man was serious, his eyes narrowed, and he looked the man over carefully before replying "Anything."
The man smirked and raised his eyebrows. "Naruto, if you come with me and meet my…. friends, I can guarantee that you will become the greatest ninja that the world has ever seen and all the respect will be for you." As he spoke, he held out his hand to Naruto. Naruto at first leaned away, but as he thought about it, temptation grew. To have the respect of all was a powerful inducement. He frowned, then before he could think about it any further, he grabbed the hand and was lead off by Danzo.
After walking for a while, they finally reached an rundown, abandoned laboratory. Naruto looked at Danzo, questioning their destination wordlessly. "Inside is where the…. cool stuff is and where you will get stronger." Naruto seemed satisfied with that answer and after looking it over a moment longer, he strode confidently towards the doors and entered the building.
Danzo watched the boy go inside with a small smile on his lips. "I will have my new weapon, after the experiential division of ROOT makes it." Danzo snapped is figures and instantly two ROOT Ninjas appeared on either side of him. "Put this note in Naruto's apartment " Danzo ordered , "along with all the snakes you can find in the next forty minutes." After all he thought, all he had to do was to make it look like Orochimaru had taken Naruto. Once again, Danzo went back to studying the lab doors- thinking about the boy that had gone through. He knew that despite Naruto's procedures he would never be a ROOT ninja- simply because he knew what type of boy Naruto was. Danzo already had a plan to get the fox out and seal it into a more moldable host. Danzo turned and walked back to his home knowing that Naruto will give insightful….experiments.
Naruto was having second thoughts. As soon as he entered the place, he had been ambushed and thrown into a cell. "Hey kid, over here." Naruto heard a faint, scratchy voice and turned to the cell next to him. Inside there was a man with numerous visible scars all over his desiccated body. "I don't think I will live past today kid….but you will. I have hidden some of their weapons and a suit that they tested …don't ask how I got them…but I hid them in my cell under the floor….you can use them, but I…messed up and the lock I have on it will not open for three months" The man's voice faded and died, then he roused himself once more. "I know they will experiment on you, but please remember my name- you may be the only one who does." Again, the man's voice trailed off as he gasped for air. He turned his head towards Naruto one last time. "My name is Wade Wilson." the man gasped the words out before falling into a choking fit that ended with him passing out.
Naruto stared hard at the man's face and vowed to himself to always remember the name Wade Wilson. He felt a strange sense of himself in the man's face- perhaps a vision of his future he thought before shrugging off the negative thought. He was staring so hard at the man that he almost didn't notice the two men in lab coats walking up to his cell. They opened the door with a "Time to go, boy." They then grabbed Naruto's arms, dragging him out of the cell and down a corridor.
Naruto was dragged past some guards putting money down on a table. They were laughing. "What are they doing?" Naruto spoke in a meek tone as he only had enough courage to satisfy his curiosity.
One of the men looked down at Naruto a moment before replying "They're betting the dead pool." Seeing his confusion, he explained. "You see, they bet on who lives the longest…that was you they were betting on just now."
The men finally seemed to reach their destination- at least they stopped dragging him. Moving methodically, they striped Naruto down to his underwear, then put him on a cold metal table. One of the men turned to a video camera (1) before speaking clearly. "Beginning experiment weapon IV as a part of the Weapon X project." Then the man turned and grabbed a bunch of needles with wires and tubes attached to them. "This will hurt a lot." the man said very calmly as if it were just a normal fact….but after that all Naruto knew was pain.
Three weeks later…
Naruto was in his cell with no one else around. The cell next to his was empty. He was wearing only a worn pair of underwear. Naruto's skin had numerous visible scars on it and they were all over his body. "Well, looks like we are in for another lonely night." said the voice in Naruto's head that he had named V1.
"But we have each other to help us right?" a different voice spoke out in Naruto's head. He had named this one V2. "Seriously, you named me V2? What the hell man? I thought we were more imaginative than that!"
Naruto rolled his eyes, then spoke to them out loud. "Well, I think we ARE imaginative for someone that has been an experiment for the last three weeks…. enchilada…. Damn it! Why am I thinking random shit."
"Well I think that something happened to our brain….and why are you talking out loud?" V1 asked. "People will think you are crazy…" V1 paused, seeming to consider his statement. "Well, more crazy anyway." he continued as the voice was trying to think of anything about their condition.
V2 was troubled and voiced his concern. "Well, if we talk out loud won't other people know what we are planning?" V2 asked.
"Hey it is either this or we go though pain… rubber ducks… DAMN IT!" Naruto shouted out the last part.
Five weeks since the first experiment…
Naruto was talking with the voices in his head- unfortunately it was loud enough to attract the same two men from before. Naruto had discovered one of their names was Killbrew. He was the man with blonde hair. "Killbrew." he whispered silently to himself, trying to hold on to the information.
"Well, seems that someone is ready for another experiment." the one not named Killbrew said as he opened the cell door. Both men grabbed Naruto's arms and started the familiar drag towards the experimentation room.
As the trio passed the dead pool betting table, Naruto noticed that there were three new guards around it. "Hey brat!" one of the men yelled. "So far the bet is not stacked in your favor." The guards began laughing at Naruto as they resumed dragging him.
They finally made it to the experimentation room. The men then put Naruto on a metal table that was stood up right. The table was partially encased in a glass tube. Moving swiftly, the guards strapped him in. "This is something new we came up with. It will enhance your healing factor to an unheard of level. We have used it on some experiments before…only four made it, so…let's test it out." The man chuckled as he closed the doors and let the tube fill with liquid. He then flipped a switch and Naruto was suddenly in pain as the liquid swirled around him. He felt new scars searing into his skin all over his body- some crisscrossing with older scars. The experiment went on for hours. Just as he was passing out from the pain, the guards appeared, then they dragged him and threw him in his cell yet again. Naruto passed out into blissful oblivion.
Naruto woke and looked around his cell before speaking. "Hey V1 and V2, do you guys remember my name?" Naruto asked out this out loud as he had suddenly realized that did not know his name. This made him vaguely uneasy (he was still dizzy from residual pain).
"Hmm…I got nothing." V1 said
"Hey, I think I know it- Wade Wilson." V2 said with enthusiasm.
Naruto seemed to think about it for a moment. That name did sound familiar, he thought. "Yeah, I guess you're right…..Wade Wilson is my name…" he thought some more, then continued. "But you can call me Big Wade, Big Wilson, Dead Hand Wade….Damn!" Naruto, or should we say Wade, cursed as he realized that he had yet again spoken with random words thrown in.
A few days later a three guard comes up to his cell and opened the cell door. "Congratulations experiment. You have been promoted to experiment/weapon… we will begin your training." After the first day of training Wade wished he had stayed an experiment.
Three months since first experiment…
Wade was digging in the cell next to him which he remembered was supposed to have weapons there after three months. His skin was just a mass of scars, but he now was near impossible to kill- hell he even grew back limbs. His once blonde hair was all gone and if it grew at all, it grew in patches- which he decided just to remove. Wade found a black box under some dirt. Ripping off the top, he found two katanas along with a back strap and several knives. Removing the weapons one by one, he admired the workmanship. Underneath the weapons was a red and black suit (2) that seemed to have white eye spots in the mask. Wade donned the suit and drew the katanas while arming the rest of the weapons on his person.
"I hope they have some of those gun things that guy Stark invented. Also I want Nachos." Wade felt slightly annoyed that he still could not get serious or shut up…that had gotten him in trouble with more then one of his trainers 'til they realized he would never shut up and didn't seem to have any control over it. That's when they started calling him the Merc with a Mouth. Wade smirked as he remembered the first time they had called him that…incidentally that was also the time that he had the worst experiment of his time that day….he felt so helpless then. But that was then and this was now.
"This time the Lone Ranger Rides Again….with advanced weapons and a cool suit!" Wade shouted out loud as he used his katanas to cut though the bars and jump out. "Here's Freddy!" Wade shouted as he struck a combat stance in the hallway.
When nothing happened for a few minutes, Wade looks around only seeing dead Root Ninja's and claw marks on the wall each with three parallel lines. "You mean I wasted all those cult movie/tv references and…only I am here to enjoy my genius….NOOOOO!" Wade shouted the last part as he fell to his knees.
"Are you forgetting us?" V1 shouted out in rage at apparently being forgotten.
"Dude, we are just voices in his head after all…his only confidant and friends over the months….You are a jerk for forgetting us." V2 said in a hurt voice.
Wade looked up and then spoke out loud. "I am...so.. Soek….ssssooorrrryyyy…Glad that he had that out of the way, Wade continued. "Now, on to the part were I randomly explore and try to find something useful…that may or may not be a plot device." Wade spoke into the silence of the room, then realized something. "Okay, I may be crazy, but why the hell would I mention a plot device? This is not a fan fiction story after all!" Wade paused as he thought of something else. "If this were a fan fiction story…. let's hope it is at least well written and better than… what was in? Oh yeah, Wolverine Origins." Wade then stopped his train of delusional thoughts there for a second. "What the hell is Wolverine Origins anyway and why did I compare myself to the origins of a large member of the weasel family?" Wade thought for a moment longer, then shrugged as he came up with nothing.
V1 then decided to pipe in. "Why are we stuck with you again? I am sure there are more appreciative people who want a good set of voices….in their heads"
"But we can't leave!" an angry V2 pouted. "We're stuck with this idiot for whatever sadistic reason."
Wade shouted out an indignant 'Hey!' in response.
Wade then began to wander around the base- or what was left of it, for there were claw marks on the walls that either came in a set of three or five. Walls not clawed were smashed down by what looked like feet of massive size and strength. "Hell, the steel door has fist impressions the size of my chest!" Wade said out loud though no one was around except for the voices in his head. He paused as he saw something out of the corner of his eye- it was a pile of wooden boxes, but that was not what made it special. No, what made it special was the ordinary white paint on the sides of the boxes that spelled out 'Stark Industries'.
"I must have been really GOOD in a past life, because this is early Christmas!" Wade exclaimed with delight. Then Wade entered what he called Pool O Vision (or in laymen's terms seeing things that are not there).
Santa was sitting on the box of weapons with a hot busty blond elf chick in a red bikini standing next to him. "Come Wade my boy….You have been a very good boy this year." Santa said making Wade squeal like a school girl before rushing over and hopping onto Santa's lap.
"Ohhhhhh Santa, I love you." Wade said as he hugged Santa. To everyone else in the world it just looked like he hugged a upright create of volatile high explosions.
Wade then saw Santa fade away. In Santa's place there was a box of high explosives. "I really need to get help figuring out my mind….." Wade's words trailed off as he started to dig though the weapons. What he found was two machine gun pistols along with a assault rife, plus several high explosives and a two 9mm pistol. "Who cares if I can't take anything seriously…I have a lot of freakin' guns!" Wade shouted while hopping up and down with alternating legs….it looked like a happy version of a little kid's paddy dance.
After his weapons find and happy dance, Wade let his curiosity get the better of him as he started to search for clues about what had happened. There were large parts of his memory that seemed to be missing and he was vaguely aware that his babbling and hallucinations were not normal. Wade found what appeared to be a control room. It had a large video section. Snooping through the titles, he saw they were all marked with dates and experiment numbers. Realizing that these might be about the experiments that took place on him, he grabbed as many as he could carry- making sure that he at least grabbed all the ones carrying his own number.
"Well, let's see what the Weapon X Easter Bunny brought me." Wade said as he let out a small chuckle. Wade put the first tape in the recorder and plopped himself down in a nearby chair to watch it. "You know popcorn flavored ramen would be really good right now." Wade spoke out loud to the voices in his head.
"Are you nuts? V! spoke as thought scolding a small child. "Tacos are the way to go!"
"You go girlfriend." V2 sing-songed, adding his agreement.
"No Ra…Wait, I just got another genius thought! What about BOTH popcorn flavored ramen AND tacos." Wade announced smugly, an imagined light bulb appearing above his head.
"It is brilliant!" V1 shouted in agreement.
"No, it's Deadpool!" V2 spoke in an even tone.
Wade's forehead wrinkled in confusion. "Hold up! Where did Deadpool come from?" he asked as he paused the video at the beginning.
"Well, I noticed that we are the only one without a code name. I mean look at this- Wolverine, Saberthooth, Mystique, the White Queen and Hulk. We're the only one without a cool name." V2 justified its answer.
Wade thought about it before smiling wide enough that it was visible though his mask. "That's right! I should use that name- after all it would make us sound twice as badass…. Sorta like Bond, James Bond." Wade giggled to himself as he pressed play on the video.
Some time after Wade finished the videos.
"Why am I the only one in whom they did not place false memories or completely destroy all my 'treasured childhood' memories….they suck for not doing that." Wade asked the air as he left the compound after burning all the tapes- unknowingly destroying all the memories that the others had lost. Surveying his surroundings, he realized that he was inside some kind of forest. Wade heard a clicking sound and turned quickly, hands flying back to his katanas. What he saw was a large swarm of giant beatles. "I am in trouble ain't I?" Wade asked as he drew his swords before launching himself at the bugs. "For the TACOS….I will slay thee vile horde of…..taco stealing…..vermin, hey I can't use insect since they are already bugs!" Wade shouted his battle cry as he advanced on the swarm.
Wade skillfully destroyed all the bugs, then he then looked around at the carnage before realizing something. "You know….I could have just used my guns….."
V1 decided to comment. "True but the swords are a lot cooler….and reusable."
Wade thought about that for a moment. "Yeah, I never knew that swords are environmentally friendly."
V2 decided he had enough of this silly conversation. "Look, you're both idiots so why don't we decided which way to go."
" I got it! Why not just pick a direction and wander that way?" Wade asked aloud as he pointed off in some random direction and started off swaggering like a jumped-up pimp.
"This is a bad idea, I just know it." V1 moaned.
"Oh come on! This will be fun…now all together now… SING!…..On the road again. I can't wait to get on the road again." Wade started to sing as he wandered off unknowing in the opposite direction of Konoha.
Several days of non-stop walking later…
"Oh… on the road again I can't wait…..DAMN WHY THE HELL DOES THE ROAD HAVE TO BE SO LONG?" Wade had finally gotten tired of singing and walking- after all, he had not stopped for at least two, or was that three, days.
"What did you say….my ear drum blew out after the first day." V1 asked caustically.
"Wait, you mean I could have just blown out my ear drum instead of listening to his SINGING!" V2 shouted in sudden anger.
"Hey my singing is that of the song birds." Wade stated in complete denial.
"Yeah," V2 sniped. "A songbird that is full of buckshot!" He used as much sarcasm as he could incorporate.
Wade saw what looked like a badly made bar out a little ways. "Hey guys, that place looks like we would be able to get a good job and maybe some nachos." Wade spoke as he started to make his way to the building. The building itself looked like it was concrete. It had numerous cracks and what appeared to be dried blood stains in the walls. The roof was made out of thick wood with visible signs of a rat infestation. It appeared as though it had burned down, then partially rebuilt and then burned down again. Regardless, though. The rats seemed to be a constant.
The one window that was on the left side of the door was boarded up with rough wooden planks hammered haphazardly over the hole. Two men loitered n front of the door. One was big and muscular, he wore a white helmet that fit closely on his head were his hair would be that had upside-down letters spelling out "Knuckle" written on the back. The man had on a pair of black jeans and boots. The other man was a chubby fellow. He was still tall, but not as much as the man next to him. He wore a black domino mask, along with a black shirt, green pants, and black combat boots.
"Hello there." Wade called out jovially, "I was wondering, do I need an ID to get into this fine establishment?" Wade smiled hugely as he stopped in front of the two men.
"No, but you need to be a real Merc- not just some kid playing dress up." The first man growled while taking a threatening step forward.
Wade was not intimidated as his left hand reached behind his back for his 9mm. "Well then there is no problem sir, for you see I am Deadpool…the Merc with a Mouth….also you might want to check out your big toe." Wade nodded as the man looked confused.
"Why would I need to check my big toe?" the man asked
"Well your left foot does not have one…anymore." Wade said as he whipped out his 9mm pistol and pulled the trigger, blowing off the man's right big toe. "Oops! My bad…I meant to blow off your left toe." Wade tried to sound apologetic as the man was holding his bleeding right foot while he rolled around on the ground in pain, shouting bloody murder.
"What the hell is going on here? You know the rules! No fighting in the HellHouse." a man of short stature yelled angrily as he came through the door of the building. He had a long, wide white mustache with equally long eyebrows. His head was completely shaved.
"Patch, this kid just blow off the rookie's toe." The large man said while pointing at Deadpool.
Patch glared at Wade a moment before speaking "Tell me why you blow off my employee's toe?" it was more of a order then a question.
Wade seemed to think for a moment before he stood up straight and his right hand flew into a military salute. "Sir! Yes Sir, you 'Time Bandit Stand-In', I wanted to go in Sir" Wade paused and continued in a more normal tone, "By the way, is that vein in your neck supposed to be pulsing like that?" Wade hated the fact that he could not control or regulate what came out of his mouth.
They stared at one another for a long moment, then "Fine, you two-bit punk. Let's get you a contract." Patch said as he let Wade into the HellHouse. "I have a feeling that I will be getting a headache soon from all this." Patch thought as he turned to the fat guard. "CF, I want you to take the Rookie to the nearest of our kind of hospital…while I deal with are newest member of our little…Club" Patch told the large man he entered his Merc assailment base.
"Oh goody!" Wade shouted, "Do I get a club hat or maybe ad official club…PIN!" as he followed Patch into the HellHouse.
That's it for now. I hope you guys enjoy it. I had fun rewriting it. Please review as I always am looking for feedback.
(1) video cameras do exist, but with ninjas they are hardly used.
(2) Deadpool's costume