Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 7
EPISODE 1
Airdate: September 28, 2018
"TYH TakeOver: Brooklyn '18" (Season Premiere)
Special Guest Stars: James Michael Tyler as Gunther
#TYH625
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
On the last day of school, Halley is by her locker cleaning out her things when Sparky walks up to her.
SPARKY: Hey Halley. So, are you ready to go to the movies?
HALLEY: Huh? The movies?
SPARKY: Yeah, like we do every year on the last day of school? I thought you would have remembered.
HALLEY: Yeah, the movies. Right, where we go to watch movies, right?
SPARKY: Halley, you sound like Grandpappy MacDougal before he went into surgery and never came out. What's going on with you?
HALLEY: Nothing, sweetie, why?
SPARKY: Because we haven't done anything together in almost a month. And any time I ask what's going on, you just walk away without...
The camera widens to reveal Halley walking away from Sparky without saying anything.
SPARKY: Letting me finish my sentence. Sparky sighs. This is going to be a cold summer.
SCENE 2
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
Later that day, in the new and improved Ike's, the kids are eating ice cream sundaes without Sparky.
*to Wade* JAYLYNN: Okay, so I'm thinking about calling it "Jaylynn things." How about it?
Wade does not acknowledge Jaylynn's statement and continues eating his ice cream.
JAYLYNN: Are you just gonna pretend I didn't say anything?
WADE: It's better than giving what you said any thought.
At that point, Sparky walks towards the booth, looking depressed.
*deadpan* SPARKY: What's going on, pals?
BUSTER: Sparky, are you okay? I thought you would be happy on the last day of school.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, now you have the whole summer to do whatever you want with Halley.
SPARKY: That implies Halley wants anything to do with me.
WADE: What do you mean?
SPARKY: She's just been so weird lately. She doesn't want to do stuff with me anymore, she walks away from me when I'm talking, and whenever she does talk to me, it's always short.
RK: Oh, she's done with you. It's over, man.
The kids all give RK annoyed looks.
RK: What? I don't like it any more than you do, but when your girlfriend is doing all that, she's trying to send you a message. Halley just doesn't have the guts to tell you yet.
JAYLYNN: RK, you're losing your mind. Halley's crazy about Sparky. She doesn't want to break up with him.
RK: Do you have concrete evidence of that?
JAYLYNN: No, but...
RK: Alright, then go back to your Jaylynn stuff. This is an adult conversation.
SPARKY: Look, let's just say, Halley is thinking about breaking up with me. What do I do?
RK: You beat her to the punch. Let her know you're not going to play her games and break up with her first. Once she sees you have the upper hand, she's going to be so moved, she'll forget why she wanted to break up with you and be by your side forever.
BUSTER: I like that idea.
WADE: Or you could just talk to her and let her know that what she's doing is bothering you. If you guys don't communicate, sooner or later, someone's going to get their feelings hurt.
SPARKY: She'll just tune me out. I need a different plan. Maybe I could spy on her and see what I could find out.
WADE: So, I threw in my two cents, but I just wanted to make sure it didn't mean anything. And it didn't, so thank you.
SCENE 3
The Vidal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky walks into Halley's house the next day and looks around for her. He scratches his head and rubs her chin.
SPARKY: I don't know what to do. I have to find something that ensures she's breaking up with me, but what? Maybe her diary, but I don't even have a key for it. If RK could pick locks, then...
At that point, Sparky hears the bathroom door opening and he quickly dives through the window and into the bushes outside. He then slowly emerges from the bushes and spies on Halley going to her couch and turning on the TV.
HALLEY: Ugh, there's nothing on right now. Hey, The Price is Right!
Halley changes the channel to "The Price is Right" and the show's theme song begins playing.
SPARKY: Wait, since when does Halley watch game shows?
Sparky looks through the window, but goes back inside the bushes when he notices Halley moving her head. Halley shrugs and goes back to watching the TV.
SPARKY: I'm just going to stay here until I get some evidence. Maybe she'll call Jaylynn or Ashley and just start shit talking me. And then I'll pop out like, "SURPRISE!" She'll look like a dope.
Beat.
SPARKY: Why was I so loud just now?
Sparky sighs and sits in the bushes with a stern expression on his face. Dissolve into sometime later on when Sparky is asleep in the bushes. A light appears in the bushes which wakes Sparky up and then there is a P.O.V. shot of Buster looking down on Sparky.
BUSTER: Hey Sparky, you ready to go to the park?
SPARKY: Buster, what are you doing here? I'm spying on Halley.
BUSTER: What are you talking about? You texted me last night saying you weren't coming home and to pick you up this morning.
SPARKY: Oh, I did? I don't remember anything after I got knocked out by that rock.
Sparky walks out of the bushes and cleans the leaves off of him.
BUSTER: You know, you could always just talk to Halley. I'm sure if you let her know she's being mean, she'll cut it out.
SPARKY: No, that's exactly what she wants. To come to her and beg for her attention like a wounded puppy. I'm just going to have to think differently. I have to think like...RK.
SCENE 4
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That same day, Sparky and RK are talking over glasses of apple juice.
SPARKY: So I need to know what I can do to get info from Halley without her finding out.
RK: Sparky, I'm glad you came to me. First off, I just want to say that I'm a big fan of your work with Halley. I think it's fantastic.
SPARKY: Thank you, that...means a lot to me?
RK: And I don't want that work to go to waste. You've been grinding for years making that girl worship you. So what you need to do is stop at nothing.
SPARKY: Nothing? So what do you suggest, swatting?
RK: Sparky, I come up with tasteful schemes. I'm not a psycho who posts on 4chan.
SPARKY: It was a joke.
RK: It didn't sound like it. Don't joke about that shit again. Okay, so what you need to do is make sure you stay on Halley's case without her knowing a damn thing. Take notes on her in public places, use binoculars, write down clues. But more importantly, always wear disguises.
SPARKY: Disguises?
RK: Yeah, of course. If you're going to follow Halley around, you have to pretend you're someone else. When my birthday was coming up, I had to do the same thing to Anna so I knew what her present would be.
SPARKY: Do you remember what it was?
RK: Wouldn't you? You were there.
SPARKY: Yeah, but...
RK: Look, I don't want to talk about my birthday. Just get the disguises.
SCENE 5
("This Place Hotel" by The Jacksons plays in the background)
Sparky has made it his mission to find out the truth about Halley. He adopts the disguise of a Seattle Mariners baseball cap, sunglasses, a T-shirt, and Adidas sweatpants. He uses the disguise at the movies while watching Halley laugh at "The Incredibles 2." He writes in his notes that "Halley enjoys sequels." He spies on her at Ike's and sees her on a phone call, but is unable to get any information through walking past her table constantly because she leaves the restaurant. At night, Sparky eats popcorn while watching Halley watch TV with his binoculars atop a tree. He does this for a few more nights, then sighs and climbs down the tree. He accidentally steps on a squirrel and kills it. He looks down on the fallen squirrel, and pretty soon, he is surrounded by a gang of squirrels that chase him down the street.
SCENE 6
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Some time later, Sparky is sharing the information he has found with Jaylynn.
SPARKY: This is stupid. All I know about Halley is that she's seen The Incredibles 2 nine times, and she laughed at the same jokes every time. Plus, she loves getting carrots from the supermarket, and it takes her at least ten minutes to start up her car.
JAYLYNN: Dude, this is sad.
SPARKY: Oh yeah, This is Us. She loves watching This is Us after Jeopardy!
JAYLYNN: No, what you're doing. Sparky, if you really want to get through to Halley, just do what you would have done in the first place and talk to her.
SPARKY: But she's...
JAYLYNN: I don't give a shit if she's being a mime and doing silent films around you. You sit her down and let her know that if she's going to keep ignoring you and hiding things, it's over. Because you don't deserve this.
SPARKY: This is crap. I've always been able to talk to Halley about anything. Now, it's like I don't even know her.
JAYLYNN: I know it's hard, but being a creep and spying on her watching TV isn't getting you anywhere. You might as well just stop this before it gets worse.
SPARKY: You're right, Jaylynn. I need to talk to her and talk to her now. Hey, wait a minute. How is this any worse than when you spied on us?
Beat. Jaylynn squints her eyes.
JAYLYNN: Get the London look?
SCENE 7
The Vidal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky walks in and locks the front door.
SPARKY: Good afternoon Halley.
HALLEY: Hey Sparky. Why did you lock the door?
SPARKY: So you can't run away from me this time. Now, what's going on with you?
HALLEY: Oh no.
SPARKY: Yeah, oh no. Look, Halley, for weeks now, you've been treating me like I don't exist and I don't get it. I love you. And one day, if we're still together, I want to marry you and have kids with you. But I can't think about that if we're not on the same page.
HALLEY: I know, and that's why I wanted to let you know the truth.
SPARKY: NO! You're not going to step all over what I just said so you can explain yourself. Wait, what am I doing? Explain.
HALLEY: Okay, well, you probably know that my birthday's coming up soon so I need to go to Brooklyn to celebrate it with my family.
SPARKY: You've been ignoring me for weeks because you didn't know how to tell me you were going out of town?
HALLEY: It's not that. My parents are going to be there.
SPARKY: Your parents? But they divorced a long time ago.
HALLEY: Yeah, and we're both white. Are you going to tell me something else I already know?
SPARKY: Alright, alright, go on.
HALLEY: See, even though my parents are divorced, they still come to my party every year. And they always fight. They can't be in the same room for five minutes without arguing.
SPARKY: That's harsh. No wonder you never celebrate your birthday.
HALLEY: Oh, I do. I just don't invite you guys to the party so you don't have to see my parents.
SPARKY: Can't you just tell one of them to miss it?
HALLEY: I tried, but they both said no. They both want to be at the party and they both want me there, but they act like kids when they're around each other. I just didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry about it.
SPARKY: Well, that didn't work out like you thought it would.
HALLEY: I know, and I'm really sorry. I should've been honest from the beginning, but I don't like talking about my parents. Now I have to go back home and deal with their shit again.
SPARKY: Maybe you don't have to.
HALLEY: What, you have a plan? Are you and the guys about to pull off some crazy scheme to keep me from going?
SPARKY: No, nobody has time for that. But I was thinking we could all go with you to New York.
HALLEY: You hate yourself and the guys that much?
SPARKY: Look, Halley, I want to be there for you. You should be happy on your birthday. And at least if me and the gang are there, you won't be alone.
HALLEY: Are you sure you want to do this?
SPARKY: Well, I never really liked your dad, but I don't think that's going to be a problem. Come on, let us go on the trip. Let us help you get through this, be your posse.
HALLEY: The Halley Posse?
SPARKY: You don't need to give us a name, but yeah.
HALLEY: Alright, Sparky. You and the guys can come. But there's no way you can change my parents. They're like peanut butter and tuna fish.
SPARKY: Hey, as long as you're not eating the sandwich yourself, it's going to be okay.
Beat.
HALLEY: What?
SPARKY: The peanut butter and tuna sandwich.
HALLEY: Oh. I don't know why I said that.
SPARKY: It's okay.
HALLEY: I just say things, man, I don't know.
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky has assembled the guys in the living room to talk about the Brooklyn trip.
WADE: So we're really going to New York?
SPARKY: Why are you saying it like that? This is going to be great.
RK: Are they flying me out?
JAYLYNN: I don't know, Sparky. That's all the way on the East Coast. I'm about that West Coast life, you know?
BUSTER: Yeah, and we're not even going to the upper-class part of New York that everyone knows about. Just the part where they kicked out everyone that's not white.
RK: Are they flying me out?
SPARKY: Guys, we've been to New York before. And it's not like this time, we're making TV shows or meeting weird high school kids. We're just helping Halley celebrate her birthday.
WADE: Can't you just go with her?
SPARKY: I could, but I already told her we would all go. Besides, we work better as a team.
RK: I appreciate everything you guys are saying, but the million dollar question is, are they flying me out?
SPARKY: No, you have to pay for the trip yourself.
RK: Reason number 980 as to why I won't go.
SPARKY: Come on, RK, I know you don't like New York, but...
RK: Don't like it? No, I don't like hot dogs covered in skin. I don't like the SpongeBob episode where Squidward reads SpongeBob's diary. I hate New York. New York is evil.
JAYLYNN: What's so evil about New York?
RK: Millions of people on every corner. Disgusting street food covered in rat sauce. The Knicks never making the playoffs.
BUSTER: Huh, rat sauce? Could be worth a try.
SPARKY: You guys are something else. Don't we care about Halley? Don't we want her to have fun on her birthday? Don't we want her to feel comfortable around her parents?
JAYLYNN: Wait, her parents are going to be there? Maybe I should go.
SPARKY: Yes. Her parents are coming. That's the whole reason I wanted us all to go. Were you listening to anything I said?
JAYLYNN: I've just been hearing "New York" for the past five minutes. Part of me doesn't know what's going on.
BUSTER: I think we should go to Brooklyn. Halley needs our help. Plus, it will give us a chance to meet her family. I don't even know you guys' parents.
SPARKY: Dude, our parents used to have coffee all the time.
BUSTER: Please, I don't even remember that.
SCENE 9
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
The main five are meeting with Halley to discuss the trip.
SPARKY: Alright, Halley, we discussed going to Brooklyn with you and we decided to follow you.
HALLEY: All five of you agreed?
WADE: Yes.
BUSTER: Yes.
JAYLYNN: Uh huh.
RK: I agreed reluctantly. They threatened to stuff socks down my throat if I didn't go.
WADE: No, we didn't.
RK: They were joking, but I'm still not feeling this trip.
HALLEY: I can pay for the hotel if it's going to be such a problem for you.
RK: Could you?
HALLEY: Yeah, that's why I said I can.
RK: Really? You're paying for it?
Beat.
HALLEY: Stop trying to make me laugh. Okay, here's a list of New York do's and don't's.
SPARKY: Wait, what's this?
HALLEY: Well, you guys are going to be in Brooklyn for a while. You have to learn how to handle yourself over there or you're going to get swallowed up.
JAYLYNN: Halley, I don't need a list to know how to act in New York. I have Portland roots.
HALLEY: Look, Jaylynn, I know you got in a few fights over there, but in New York, a crackhead can stab you just for looking at them funny. Now take the damn list because I'm not having this conversation again.
JAYLYNN: You're so aggressive. I love it.
WADE: "Don't ask anyone questions unless they ask you a question." This is asinine, what if I'm lost?
HALLEY: When in doubt, take an Uber. New Yorkers just give you directions that you don't understand anyway.
BUSTER: "Don't pay the performers in the train station." I don't know, they work hard.
HALLEY: Yeah, but you don't want to be one of those people. If it's dope, just keep it to yourself.
RK: "Don't be so RK." Halley, is there something you want to say to me?
HALLEY: RK, I love you, but if you go to Brooklyn acting like you do, you're going to get robbed, shot at, and beaten down within a week.
WADE: Halley, we're going to New York, not Alcatraz. We'll be fine.
HALLEY: I'm just trying to make sure you all know what you're getting into.
SPARKY: If we all wear Yankee caps, will we be okay?
Beat.
HALLEY: Yeah, sure.
SCENE 10
Seattle-Tacoma International Airport
Interior Airplane
SeaTac, Washington
The kids are taking their seats on the plane. RK's seat is between Buster and Wade.
RK: You know, I don't get why we can't just throw two parties at the same time and have one of Halley's parents at each one. That's what Friends did.
BUSTER: I thought you didn't like that show.
RK: I don't, but ever since KG found out about our trip, he's been showing me nonstop Friends episodes to get me in a "New York mood." I swear, if I hear that damn theme song one more time, I'm going to beat myself with a wooden stick.
Wade begins whistling the "Friends" theme song to annoy RK.
RK: Wade, I'm on edge right now. DON'T DO THIS TO ME!
SPARKY: Will you guys calm down? We're not on a private jet!
RK: There goes Sparky acting like Monica again. Oh God, the show's crawled up inside my head and it's laying eggs.
SCENE 11
("Back to the NYC" by CFO$ featuring Cody B. Ware and Nicole Tranquillo plays in the background)
Shots of the airplane leaving the SeaTac airport and landing in New York City are shown, along with shots of various areas in New York: Times Square, Wall Street, the World Trade Center, the Chrysler Building, the Brooklyn Bridge, the Verrazano Bridge, Yankee Stadium, Madison Square Garden, the Statue of Liberty, and the Barclays Center. The kids are shown getting off a bus that stops in front of their hotel right near Barclays.
RK: I gotta say, even though New York makes me sick, it's a really nice looking city.
BUSTER: Hey RK, you think they actually have some rat sauce somewhere here?
RK: Buster, that was a joke. And even if they did have rat sauce, why the hell would you want to eat that?
BUSTER: It could just be a name. Like bug juice or gumdrop surprise.
RK: Gumdrop surprise?
BUSTER: It's from this YouTube chef. You wouldn't get it.
SPARKY: Hey, if we're done with the small talk, why don't we get inside to check in? I have to meet up with Halley in an hour.
The kids walk into the hotel at that point.
SCENE 12
Holiday Inn
Interior Hotel Room
Brooklyn, New York
The boys are unpacking their things while RK watches TV.
RK: Guys, if I order MLB Extra Innings on this thing, you think the hotel will come after me?
SPARKY: Not at all. But once Halley's family sees the hotel bill, you'll wish you never came here.
BUSTER: I still don't understand why we can't watch any Mariners games here.
WADE: Because, Buster, we're in New York. The Mariners play three hours behind us and they're not a local team.
BUSTER: Look, I don't care if we can watch Mets games in the future. This could be Seattle's year!
RK: See, this is why we need Extra Innings.
Jaylynn excitedly runs into the guys' hotel room.
JAYLYNN: Hey guys, they have Dove soap here that smells just like apple cinnamon.
RK: You're kidding. Tell me you're playing with me.
JAYLYNN: It's in my bathroom.
RK and Buster run out of the room to smell the soap.
WADE: I guess I'll go smell it too. Maybe I can reverse-engineer it and make my own soap!
Wade runs out of the room also, but Sparky stays behind to unpack.
JAYLYNN: Sparky, what's wrong? You don't want to smell the fancy hotel soap?
SPARKY: No, I'm good. Wade will just make his own soap once we get back home anyway.
JAYLYNN: You're thinking about Halley, aren't you?
SPARKY: Of course. I want her birthday to be really special this year. And to make it even more special, I have the ultimate birthday present.
JAYLYNN: Really, what is it?
SPARKY: I'm getting her parents back together!
Beat.
JAYLYNN: What do you think this is, The Parent Trap?
SPARKY: Look, the reason we never go to Halley's birthday party is because her parents are always fighting. Maybe if they just realized how much they loved each other, they'll see how stupid they're acting and Halley can have her family back.
JAYLYNN: Doesn't she already have two younger sisters?
SPARKY: Jaylynn, pick a side. You're either with this plan or against it.
JAYLYNN: I'm just stuck, man. I get what you're trying to do for Halley, but her parents split up for a reason. They're grown-ups. If you try getting into their business, it might just make things worse.
SPARKY: But I still have to try. I mean, wouldn't you have wanted your parents to get back together?
JAYLYNN: There are many reasons why I can't answer that question, but the big one is, it's in the past. I can't change something I had no control over, and Halley's a tough girl. She'll be upset about it this week, then be back in Seattle next week like it never happened. Don't put her in that situation.
SPARKY: Trust me, I have it all figured out.
At that point, Buster, RK, and Wade have returned. Buster is holding his head back while having some bloody tissue in his nose.
SPARKY: Buster, what happened to you?!
BUSTER: I was trying to smell the soap and RK elbowed me in the nose.
Sparky slaps RK in the back of his head, and Jaylynn follows him.
SPARKY: I should elbow you in your nose. What's the matter with you?
RK: I'm sorry, that smell was just calling me. Now, I'll never smell it again.
WADE: Don't worry, man. I already memorized the recipe.
RK hugs Wade.
RK: Wade, it's heroes like you that don't need to wear capes.
SCENE 13
The Vidal Household
Interior Living Room
Brooklyn, New York
On the day of Halley's birthday party, Sparky, Wade, and Jaylynn are in the living room waiting around for RK and Buster to arrive.
SPARKY: I can't believe Buster and RK aren't here yet.
JAYLYNN: Relax, man, most of these birthday parties never start on schedule. I bet most of Halley's folks haven't even shown up yet.
SPARKY: I just saw the guest list. Buster and RK's names are the only ones that aren't crossed out.
JAYLYNN: Wow, I really need to start being more aware.
Sparky takes out his phone and begins calling someone. Cut to Buster and RK riding the train.
BUSTER: Hey, those rats that we saw crawling on the train tracks...they're not used in the sauce, right?
RK slowly turns his head and gives Buster an annoyed expression, then turns his head back. At that point, Buster's phone starts ringing and he takes it out.
BUSTER: Hey Sparky. No, we're still on the way. It's been a mess trying to get Halley a present. We got on the wrong train twice, and RK almost got hit by a taxi.
SPARKY: So, where are you now?
BUSTER: I don't know, somewhere in Sunset Park.
SPARKY: How did you end up there?
BUSTER: Beats me. I thought we were going to Halley's place in Park Slope, but I guess we were wrong.
SPARKY: The party's at her aunt's place in Bay Ridge. And Halley grew up in Spring Creek, not Park Slope.
BUSTER: Oh. Well, when we get close, we'll let you know.
Buster hangs up the phone.
BUSTER: Hey Jennings kid, you told me Halley's party was in Park Slope.
RK: Oh, I just wanted to find the Park Slope Killers.
BUSTER: The Park Slope Killers?
RK: Yeah, I hear they're one of the most dangerous I-talian crime families in New York City. That's why we spent so much time there.
BUSTER: You idiot, now everybody's waiting for us!
RK: Then let them wait. I love making an entrance. Hey, maybe Halley's family knows something about the Park Slope Killers. They're I-talian.
BUSTER: Why do you keep saying "Italian" like that?
RK: That's how Tommy from Power says it.
At that point, a group of high school kids come in with a boombox.
KID: Alright, guys, they call us the Explosion. Have we blown your mind yet? No? Good, because you'll need it for what's about to happen.
RK: Ugh, Halley warned us about these train performers. Well, them and some old, fat, barefoot weirdos screaming about the apocalypse and Jesus.
BUSTER: I thought you loved Jesus.
RK: I do, but I don't need to hear about the good word from them. That's why sometimes, I call the cops on Jehovah's Witnesses.
("Finesse (Remix)" by Bruno Mars featuring Cardi B begins playing on the boombox)
The kids begin performing a choreographed routine to the "Finesse" remix, incorporating moves from the original music video and trademark train performance moves, including swinging around the pole. At the end of the performance, RK and Buster begin clapping and throwing money at the kids.
RK: Wow. New York is something else. HERE, TAKE MY MONEY! ALL OF IT! ALL THE MONEY, DAMN YOU!
SCENE 14
The Vidal Household
Interior Living Room
Brooklyn, New York
Halley walks downstairs with her two younger sisters.
HALLEY: Hey guys, you know my sisters.
WADE: No, we don't. Only Sparky does.
Beat.
HALLEY: Anyway, this is my younger sister Adrienne.
JAYLYNN: What's up?
SPARKY: You look taller than last time, Adrienne.
ADRIENNE: Yeah, I get that all the time. Eating those Flintstones vitamins really helps.
HALLEY: And this is my baby sister Allison.
JAYLYNN: Oh, she's so cute. I just want to bite her legs. You hear that, Allison? I'm going to season those legs of yours.
Allison gives Jaylynn a blank stare and then hides behind Halley.
JAYLYNN: Wow, I've only known her for one minute and already, she doesn't like me.
HALLEY: It's not your fault, Jaylynn. She's like that with everyone. Half the time, she doesn't even say anything when I talk to her.
JAYLYNN: Really?
HALLEY: There's a reason our doctor gave her special pills.
WADE: Okay, I think that's enough introduction. Why don't we eat?
SPARKY: Because Buster and RK still aren't here.
Buster and RK run through the front door with shopping bags and fall to the floor, breathing heavily.
RK: We made it. Where's the birthday girl?
HALLEY: I'm right here? You were staring at me when you said that.
Adrienne and Allison walk into the kitchen.
SPARKY: Guys, what the hell happened to you?
BUSTER: Well, we've been all over the city doing shopping and taking buses and trains. We walked here once we got off the last one.
HALLEY: Why didn't you just take an Uber?
RK: And miss out on buying authentic New York gear? I don't think so. We have it all. Brooklyn Nets jerseys, Big Apple sunglasses. I even bought a Kingsborough cap. I know it's just a community college, but that way, people can never say we didn't go here.
HALLEY: RK, I just want you to know that you're the kind of tourist everyone hates.
RK: I'm used to people hating me. After a while, you get over it. I thought New York was crap, and some of it still is, but it turns out, it's a lot of fun when you give it a chance.
JAYLYNN: Wait a minute. What does this shirt say? Jaylynn pulls out a black T-shirt. "F*** You, You F***ing F***."
SPARKY: Are you insane?!
RK: Don't worry, we're not going to wear it. It's Buster's shirt anyway. Besides, you have to admit, it's hilarious.
Beat.
WADE: Yeah, it is.
SCENE 15
The Vidal Household
Interior Dining Room
Brooklyn, New York
The kids are eating dinner with Halley's family. RK puts down his fork, looks around, and clears his throat.
RK: So does anyone here know about the PSK?
MR. VIDAL: PSK? What does it mean?
RK: The Park Slope Killers. They're one of the most dangerous crime families in New York City. I just assumed someone here would know about them since they're I-talians like you guys.
HALLEY: Jesus.
JAYLYNN: Is that really how you pronounce...
HALLEY: No.
MS. VIDAL: RK, I just want you to know that just because we're Italian, doesn't mean we're associated with the mob. That's actually racist.
RK: But we're all white.
Halley puts down her fork and buries her face in her hands.
MR. VIDAL: Don't worry about what she says, RK. She has a history of racism herself.
MS. VIDAL: When have I ever been racist?
MR. VIDAL: When we first started going out? All you could do is talk about how much you hated Asians. It was the same thing every single date. "All they do is own nail salons and dry cleaning stores. Why do they age like milk? I have Asian friends, it's okay."
MS. VIDAL: So you think the things I said when I was young and ignorant about the world define who I am now? How could you hold that against me?!
MR. VIDAL: I'm not saying that. I'm stating facts, you chose to ask that question because you're not comfortable with being a closet racist.
HALLEY: It's happening again.
Cut to Sparky's angry expression.
MS. VIDAL: How are you going to accuse me of that in front of the guests?
MR. VIDAL: You've accused me of smoking crack in front of guests, cheating on you in front of guests, and having four nipples in front of guests. I'm trying to even the score, bitch!
SPARKY: STOP! That's enough. Now, I'm sick and tired of you guys arguing. Do you not understand what you're doing to Halley? She's miserable because you can't cut it out for one second! And on the same day as her birthday dinner? You guys should be ashamed. Either get back together or try to be friends, but don't treat your own daughter like this.
At that point, Halley leaves the dining room and ends up closing the front door of the house. Sparky is confused and goes after her. Beat.
BUSTER: Can a person actually have four nipples?
JAYLYNN: This is the best birthday party I've ever been to.
Cut to Sparky opening the front door and seeing Halley sit on the porch.
SPARKY: Halley, are you going to be okay?
HALLEY: Why did you do that?
SPARKY: Do what?
HALLEY: You know what. Why did you have to make me look like some defenseless child in front of my parents?
SPARKY: I wasn't trying to. I was just trying to help.
HALLEY: No, you just wanted to make yourself feel good. My parents are broken up for a reason, Sparky. It's not your place to get involved and you shouldn't have to feel like you need to be a hero. Just stay out of it.
Halley gets off the porch and walks away from the house.
SPARKY: Where are you going?
HALLEY: Don't worry about it.
Sparky sighs and goes back inside, where he is suddenly confronted by all of the partygoers.
SPARKY: Um, Halley just went to get some fresh air.
ADRIENNE: She walked out on her own party? Wow, she must be really depressed.
MS. VIDAL: That's enough, Adrienne. Let's just go back inside and we'll wait for Halley to come back so we can cut the cake.
Everyone goes back to the dinner.
JAYLYNN: Sparky, you look like you're about to cry. Did you and Halley have a fight?
SPARKY: Kinda. I guess when you try and talk to your girlfriend's parents about how they're acting, you should probably make sure your girlfriend is okay with it first.
RK: Don't worry about it, Sparks. You said what needed to be said. Halley just needs to figure out how she's feeling about everything.
SPARKY: Yeah, but I just can't believe I blew it this bad. I might have ruined her whole party.
BUSTER: I know this makes me sound selfish, but I kinda want Halley's piece of cake.
The others give Buster annoyed looks.
BUSTER: It's from Baskin Robbins!
SCENE 16
Holiday Inn
Interior Hotel Room
Brooklyn, New York
The next morning, Sparky tries calling Halley but gets no response.
RK: Halley still not returning your calls?
SPARKY: No. What if this is it? She wasn't going to break up with me before, but now she will. And it will be all my fault.
BUSTER: Don't worry, Sparky. You and I can bond over being single again. We'll have a great time.
WADE: Look, Jaylynn's going shopping with Halley today. Maybe she'll talk some sense into her.
SPARKY: Yeah, maybe.
RK: Alright, Buster, let's hit the road.
WADE: Where are you guys going today?
RK: Just doing a little sightseeing. We're going to hit all the spots in these here boroughs. We're even going to try New York pizza for the very first time.
BUSTER: Yeah. In New York, you either go hard or go home.
SPARKY: Eh, New York pizza is overrated to me. I would rather buy from Pizza Hut.
Beat.
RK: See, if you said that on the streets right now, you would be left lying in a pool of your own blood. Let's go, Buster.
Buster gets up and walks with RK towards the front door.
RK: I know what you're thinking about the rat sauce, and no, that's not the secret ingredient in New York pizza.
BUSTER: I didn't even say anything!
SCENE 17
Kings Plaza Shopping Center
Brooklyn, New York
Jaylynn and Halley are walking through the mall with each other.
JAYLYNN: Are you okay?
HALLEY: Yeah, maybe.
JAYLYNN: Look, Halley, I get how you're feeling. I never had the perfect family either, but it's not the end of the world. As long as you remember everything awesome that you already have, you'll be okay.
HALLEY: Yeah, maybe.
JAYLYNN: You know what you need? A shopping spree. Forget about what happened last night. Let's just have fun.
HALLEY: Yeah, maybe.
JAYLYNN: Halley, I'm trying to help you out here. Will you please try and help me so I can help you?
HALLEY: Yeah, maybe.
Jaylynn sighs.
SCENE 18
Kings Plaza Shopping Center
Brooklyn, New York
("Mr. Saxobeat" by Alexandra Stan plays in the background)
Through a rapid-fire montage, Jaylynn and Halley go through the various stores at Kings Plaza, including HM, Foot Locker, Old Navy, Jimmy Jazz, and Sears. Shots are shown of them running into a store, trying on clothes, and dancing around in different outfits while the song plays. At one point, the girls go to Sbarro for lunch, and continue dancing around while eating, much to the confusion of the customers. The montage ends with Jaylynn and Halley collapsing in the women's section of Macy's from exhaustion.
JAYLYNN: Okay, let's take a look at how much we spent.
HALLEY: Jaylynn, we haven't bought anything. We've just been trying on clothes and dancing around like idiots for the past two hours.
JAYLYNN: Oh. Well, let's at least get up. People are going to start staring and demand we get thrown out.
Jaylynn and Halley slowly get up from off the floor.
JAYLYNN: So where are we going next?
HALLEY: Back to my parents' place? So I can bury my face in my pillow until it's time to leave Brooklyn?
JAYLYNN: Alright, Halley, I've had enough of your attitude. Do you not understand how hard it is for me to be the positive one? I don't do that shit, Halley. That's not my job and I can't believe you would put that on me.
HALLEY: Well, what do you expect me to do? Walk around with a stupid Kool-Aid smile on my face? My parents embarrassed me again at my birthday dinner and then my boyfriend made me look like some charity case.
JAYLYNN: Oh yeah, your parents hate each other. Blah, blah, blah, big deal. Last time I checked, neither of your parents are dead or 2,000 miles away, so you have that going for you.
HALLEY: Did I ever tell you how sad your life is?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, many times. Look, Halley, I get that your parents always fighting is a problem, but why did you take that out on Sparky? He was just trying to help you out.
HALLEY: I don't need anybody helping me out when it comes to my family. It's my business and my business only.
JAYLYNN: What's this really about, Halley?
HALLEY: What are you talking about?
JAYLYNN: I mean, why are you really upset with Sparky?
HALLEY: I just told you, bitch. You ever tried using a Q-Tip once in a while?
JAYLYNN: I know you just told me, jackass, but are you upset because of what Sparky said? Or are you upset that he said it and not you?
HALLEY: What's that supposed to mean?
JAYLYNN: It means that you've never been able to tell your parents that what they're doing is wrong. It took Sparky a few minutes to say something that's taken you a few years to say. Am I wrong?
Beat.
HALLEY: No. You're not. I wish I could have stood up to my parents the way Sparky stood up for me. It's just...it's been impossible to talk to them and he made it look easy. And after everything I said, he probably doesn't want to talk to me right now.
JAYLYNN: You know that's not true. He's mental about you the same way you're mental about him.
HALLEY: Well, how do I make things better?
JAYLYNN: You work on that later. But right now, your parents need to hear from their daughter the same thing they heard from their daughter's boyfriend last night.
HALLEY: Why are you talking like that?
SCENE 19
The Vidal Household
Interior Living Room
Brooklyn, New York
That night, Halley has decided to finally confront her parents.
MR. VIDAL: Sweetie, is everything okay?
HALLEY: No, Dad, it's not. Look, I love the both of you equally, but every time I come back home, I feel like I can't even enjoy my birthday or the holidays without you guys fighting. I hate it. I always wanted us to be a big, happy family again, but I know that will never happen. Even if it never happens, can't you guys try to get along? For me? For the rest of us?
MS. VIDAL: Halley, I didn't know you felt this way.
HALLEY: But Sparky said...
MS. VIDAL: I know, but I just thought he was being a nice boyfriend. We never meant to make you feel like you didn't matter to us.
MR. VIDAL: And we just want to let you know, the divorce has nothing to do with you. It was never your fault.
HALLEY: I know that.
MS. VIDAL: She already knew that, Alan. Why did you even mention it?
MR. VIDAL: You didn't know if she did until now. Could you please not antagonize me during a heart-to-heart with our daughter?
HALLEY: See? This is exactly what I'm talking about! One day, Adrienne and Allison are going to be my age and they're going to know everything that's going on here. Do you really want them to go through the same things I'm going through?
MS. VIDAL: No. We don't.
MR. VIDAL: Look, Halley, we will always love you and the girls. For years, Amy and I have been acting like children trying to figure out why things didn't work out, but the truth is, this whole time, we've just been making you feel like an outsider. We don't want you to feel like that anymore.
MS. VIDAL: Absolutely not. We can't promise you anything, but for your sake, we're going to try and work out our differences.
HALLEY: You're serious this time?
MR. VIDAL: Of course we are. We don't want to lose you just because of our issues. You deserve better from us.
MS. VIDAL: And we're going to make sure that's exactly what you get.
HALLEY: Thank you. That's all I wanted.
Halley comes in to give both of her parents a hug.
HALLEY: Do you know if there's any cake left?
MS. VIDAL: I'm pretty sure that blonde-haired boy ate most of it.
HALLEY: Of course, he did.
SCENE 20
Holiday Inn
Interior Hotel Room
Brooklyn, New York
Buster and RK are telling the guys about their sightseeing that same night.
JAYLYNN: Wait, you got off the train because some guy was rapping? That doesn't sound so bad.
RK: You didn't hear it. It would make you never want to listen to rap again.
Cut to a flashback of Buster and RK on the train. They are standing up holding the pole while a man sitting near them is banging his head to the "Chloraseptic" remix by Eminem featuring 2 Chainz and Phresher, which is playing loudly on his phone.
MAN: I'M AT YOUR THROAT, I'M FEELING RECKLESS! RECKLESS! Bin Laden with a pen, bodying your men, I begin slaughtering your men, prolly shoulda been, Ali or the Svengali embodiment of sin, like a...
The man pauses the song temporarily to catch his breath, then plays it again.
MAN: Like a Saudi in the Taliban plotting shit again, in the lobby of the intercontinental and I could not even relent up on a little...Pentagon with the riddle...
At that point, the train stops and the boys slowly walk backwards through the door as the man begins wheezing and coughing heavily. They are then shown walking into Walgreens.
RK: New York's really disappointing me today.
BUSTER: Hey, it can't get any worse.
("I'll Be There for You" by The Rembrandts is heard playing over the Walgreens loudspeakers)
RK: Buster, grab whatever wooden stick you can find and give it to me. I don't care how much it costs, I'll pay a thousand dollars to keep my word.
Cut to the present day.
WADE: So how was New York pizza?
RK: A C-plus. It was greasy as f***.
BUSTER: I liked it.
Halley walks in at that point.
RK: Oh shit, it's about to go down live from the Medina.
WADE: Since when do you know Five Percenter talk?
RK: Since a crackhead near the Target on Flatbush schooled me.
HALLEY: Guys, could I talk to Sparky alone?
JAYLYNN: Sure. Let's go, guys.
RK: I don't know, I kinda wanted to see them go twelve rounds.
JAYLYNN: If you're looking for a fight, we can go three rounds right now.
RK: Nah, I'm good.
JAYLYNN: That's what I thought.
The other kids leave the hotel room so Sparky and Halley can talk.
SPARKY/HALLEY: I'm sorry. Wait, why are you sorry? I should be sorry. Why are we doing...
SPARKY: This? Okay, that was weird. But why are you sorry? I'm the one that messed everything up.
HALLEY: No, you didn't mess up anything. It was me. For a really long time, I wanted to be the one to say what you said to my parents. But I wasn't, so I guess that made me feel like a loser.
SPARKY: Well, I didn't mean to make you feel like that.
HALLEY: I know you didn't. That's why I wanted to say that I really appreciate you standing up for me.
SPARKY: Thanks, Halley. I just wanted to get your parents back together.
HALLEY: Well, don't even sweat that. Those dreams are over. But at least they're going to try and be friends now.
SPARKY: Wait, you talked to them?!
HALLEY: Yup, I told them everything. For once, they decided to listen to me.
SPARKY: I guess the lesson here is to always be honest about how you're feeling.
HALLEY: And if that doesn't work, then you bottle up your emotions until you're depressed.
SPARKY: Exactly.
Beat.
HALLEY: So, are we going to kiss or are we just going to stand here?
SPARKY: Bring it in.
Halley walks up to Sparky and the two start kissing. They then hug.
SPARKY: I love you, Halley.
HALLEY: I love you too, Sparky.
Cut to the kids leaning by the door and listening in.
JAYLYNN: Ugh, that was so sappy.
RK: I know. There wasn't any chair throwing or anything.
WADE: RK, it's not The Steve Wilkos Show.
RK: Do you want to go back to 2008 when that reference was relevant?
At that point, Sparky and Halley open the door and the others fall onto the floor.
SPARKY: You guys heard everything, didn't you?
JAYLYNN: No, we didn't.
BUSTER: I dropped my quarter and they were helping me find it.
RK: Yeah, and we were also looking for my trading cards.
Beat.
HALLEY: I'm booking you guys an earlier flight home.
Cut to black.
("Queens Get the Money" by Nas plays over the end credits)
POST-CREDITS GAG
Central Perk
Interior Booth
New York, New York
RK walks into the coffee shop to applause, but looks confused as he scratches his head.
RK: What the hell is going on here?
RK walks over to the cash register, where Gunther is working.
RK: Hey, you're not Woody.
GUNTHER: And you're not Rachel, but I'm not complaining. Actually, I am.
*laugh track*
RK: Rachel? Dude, what happened to Ike's? This is bullshit!
GUNTHER: It's 2018. Coffee is in, ice cream is out.
RK: Listen, blondie, Woody ran a respectable business. And I know he wouldn't stand for a bunch of lames sipping pumpkin spice lattes and talking about how dope the Chainsmokers are.
*laugh track*
GUNTHER: Well, it looks like your friends are enjoying it.
RK looks over to the booth and sees the guys drinking coffee and laughing. He walks to the booth in shock.
RK: Guys, we have to get rid of this bootleg Starbucks! This is a travesty!
JAYLYNN: Well, finally, you showed up.
WADE: Yeah, could you be any later?
*laugh track*
RK: This can't be happening. The coffee shop's taken over you guys too!
SPARKY: You know, guys, I think I should try getting back together with Halley.
BUSTER: Nah, it's over, man. You kissed another girl.
SPARKY: We were on a break!
*laugh track*
JAYLYNN: Yeah, and my mom just decided to take a break from life, but...I don't know.
*laugh track*
RK: Do you children not hear yourselves? We're in hell right now!
WADE: Nah, I was in hell on the car ride over here. This coffee shop serves as more of a purgatory.
*laugh track*
SPARKY: Yeah, man, you just need to pivot your attitude in another direction.
BUSTER: PIVOT!
*laugh track*
JAYLYNN: Exactly. Hey, why don't we all sing "Smelly Cat" to cheer RK up? My new guitar just came in today.
Jaylynn starts performing "Smelly Cat" on her guitar. Meanwhile, RK slowly makes a handgun formation with his thumb and index finger, pretending to kill himself while the song is being performed and the laugh track increases.
KIDS: Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault...
RK wakes up in the hotel room screaming, which wakes up the rest of the boys and causes them to scream as well.
WADE: RK, what's wrong?!
RK: I hate KG. The bastard ruined my life.
Cut to black.
©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
In memory of Aretha Franklin
March 25, 1942 - August 16, 2018