So No One Can Hear

'When I tell him that I'm falling in love why does he say, "'Hush. Hush. Keep it down now. Voices carry."' –Til Tuesday

Written by: Nicole Lopez

Disclaimer: I do not own any television shows that I write fics for. Nor do I own the lyrics.

I had changed. No, maybe it I was changing or I am changing or, whatever. The moment Ethan Craft looked at me, I knew it was over. He was one of those remarkably good-looking guys who could have anyone they wanted, literally.

On paper, he wasn't that smart, but the things he said when it was just the two of us, were brilliant. See, Ethan, like I, was just acting. He pretended to be stupid and got praised for it.

I continued up my innocent act, which was more like a reality than an act, and was a loser for it. So imagine my surprise when Ethan and I were paired for a project that Kate couldn't wriggle me out of.

See Kate Sanders was like the Nicole Ritchie/Lindsay Lohan of the school. Blonde, well-proportioned, and super, uber popular. Plus, she was dating Ethan. Any time anyone was partnered with him, that wasn't a member of her clique, she had the groups switched. Most teachers didn't mind changing their groups.

Our new teacher did. He didn't have any concept of high school hierarchy, ether that or he didn't care, so when she gave him some excuse about the football team members needing to be paired together due to scheduling limitations, Mr. Vancouver just looked at her. And that was the end.

I had long ago given up my thoughts of Ethan Craft, just like I left behind ideas of me ever being an early bloomer, especially because I was almost sixteen and had no drop of blood to prove it. Everyone around me could have kids, and I still didn't know how to work a tampon.

I kept that little fact from my mother, going through the motions, buying boxes of tampons and maxi pads that never got used. I'm sure she knew something was weird, but we never talked about it. That's what our relationship had dissolved into.

The recent death of Nana hit her harder than the rest of us. Depressed was her new middle name, so I enlisted the help of the only other person I could. Miranda Sanchez. I tried all sorts of 'tricks' to make it come on quicker—eating hormone-injected foods, taking estrogen pills, and I even had the stupid idea of taking Miranda's birth control pills for a while.

None of it worked. I finally decided that it wasn't going to come. Sixteen and a half was just too late. But part of me didn't want to hear that finalized by the words of a doctor. So I never went. I just accepted it, until I turned 17. But, I had heard stories of girls not getting theirs until they were 18 and 19. I still had 2.5 more years left.

Life played many tricks on me during my junior year, the most prominent one dealing with Ethan Craft. He was the thing I attributed to my change, that and the passing of my Nana.

Ninety-eight years had been good to her, but not so good to a sixteen and half year old, who had never lost anyone significant in her life, besides the countless pets my brother Matt had killed with his neglect.

This was on a completely different hemisphere. That's when it began. With Nana gone, I suddenly realized why people said that life was short. I knew why no one understood my never-ending optimism. I was beginning to lose it too.

Then, fate stepped in and dealt me Ethan Craft. Our project was to present a scene from Wuthering Heights. We could update it; keep it the same, whatever as long as we got the meaning of the play.

"What scene do you want to do?" I asked still thinking about my Nana. I was waiting for Ethan to say something stupid like 'the car chasing scene' something.

"Why don't we remake it? There are so many violent moments between Catherine and Heathcliff… why don't we just put that in a socially relevant time? Maybe we can talk about abusive relationships or--"

"Wow." I breathed through a smile, blushing immediately after because of my dorkiness.

"You think I'm just a stupid jock?"

"Yeah. I mean no … I've never really gotten to know you Ethan so I honestly don't know, but after hearing what you just said, I'm relieved. And really inspired." I smiled to myself.

That's how it had begun. Every time we met up for the project, Ethan revealed even more of himself to me. It got to the point where I didn't see him as a stupid person or even a jock, he was just awesome. Everything I had wanted.

So here I was, a month later, totally falling in love with Ethan Craft again, but on a completely different level. We shared really intimate moments together. I told him how it felt to lose my Nana, how I was started to feel this overwhelming anxiety about it.

When would it be my turn? What if I died tomorrow? I knew I wouldn't be happy with my life because I hadn't lived it. As I rambled on and on about how I was really feeling, Ethan seemed to get me. The next time I saw him, he looked at me in that total Jack-Rose Titanic way.

And he kissed me—truly, madly, deeply. From then on, I was his … but secretly. In theory, Ethan was with Kate, but in all the ways that counted, he was with me.

I waited for Ethan almost daily at his house. He showed me a way to sneak in and everything … he didn't want to have to explain our situation to his parents. It was getting so complicated that I didn't even know what we were.

It was okay that he was sort of 'hiding' me. As long as he was finally let me tell him how I felt about him—that I was willing to do anything or him, to keep him—it was fine. I smiled, looking around his room. He hadn't cleaned up his room for me today, but I loved how it was filled with this smell.

Ethan's smell. I had begun to know it well. I was so hopelessly into him.

"What are you smiling for? Been waiting long?" I shook my head, back to reality.

"What did you bring me? I'm starving." I admitted, as Ethan showed me a Moe's bag. "I love it." I whispered.

"Good." Ethan pulled me in for a light kiss, nibbling on my lip a little.

"Stop." I pleaded jokingly. "I wish we could do this somewhere else." I hinted referring to how he was keeping me away from everyone, even his parents.

"Next time we'll go to Smithfield." He offered taking the first bite of my burrito, although he claimed to hate Southwestern food.

"Honey, you know that's not what I mean." I sighed, picking over my food. "I hate hiding from everyone."

"I do too." Ethan promised. "You know how it is."

"What if I became a cheerleader, or was really popular?" I asked hypothetically. "I'm still a good gymnast." I offered.

Ethan sighed. "Let's not talk about this." He begged, laying down beside me and caressing my hand softly. "It won't work. This, unfortunately, is the only way we can be together."

"Ethan." I began. What if I told him the truth, that I loved him, that I was ready to take the next step with him. "I lo—"

"You don't have to say a word." He kissed me passionately as the food plopped onto the floor. Things intensified, with Ethan bare-chested and me in nothing but my bra and panties. "Sorry." He backed off suddenly.

We had talked barriers before. I told him we'd never do that, not until I was older. Twenty or twenty-one. I'd always told myself that, but that Lizzie seemed so far away from this one.

"Don't … stop. I want to." I whispered softly, still astonished by what this 'changing' Lizzie had said. "It's okay. We don't even have to use …" My voice trailed off. How awkward was this. "I can't get pregnant." I decided finally.

"Why not?" Ethan wondered, holding me close.

"Bad luck." I lied. I couldn't tell him I didn't have my period yet. It would be too weird. "Before we do this … I want you to know that I love you." I whispered, feeling my body ache like it had never done before.

I realized that I wanted this. I really did.

"Shh. Let's just be quiet about this. No one has to know." Ethan led the way as I nodded like a child. He was teaching me. He had done this before, I knew it and now, it was finally my turn.

As Ethan proceeded in exploring my body, and I moved, in awe over his, I could feel the cold air on my bare back. I hadn't even noticed that more of my clothes had gone missing.

'You want this,' I told myself as I paused and shifted awkwardly. There was this weird thing happening to me now. Was it that I was becoming a woman? Was this what it felt like? I felt grimy.

"Ethan?" I looked up at him with questioning eyes. "Can I … can we stop for a second?" He nodded, unable to hide his disappointment.

"I have to use the bathroom anyway." He removed himself from the insides of my knees.

I sat up, disgusted with myself. I was still a goody-good. Ethan Craft was cheating on Kate for me and I couldn't even do this little thing?

Miranda would die if she ever knew how close I came to my dream, and then flaked. If she could—I stopped myself. That horrible sensation that I had been feeling earlier hadn't stopped.

It was a sign. I got out of Ethan's bed, making sure to keep the covers wrapped around my prepubescent body. As I glanced back at the bed, what could have been, I noticed a weird spot on the white sheets. It was a reddish brown—wait a second. I wiggled the sheet cover around that I had had on. It had similar spots on it.

Oh, fate … Fate had played a cruel trick on me. Out of all the times to make that transition into womanhood, my body had decided to do it now, just when I was about to give away my virginity.

With a few quick motions, I bawled up all the two sheets and rushed to put on my clothes. I didn't have anything that resembled a maxi pad with me.

I would have to go home like this and figure out how to explain this to Ethan later.

A/N:. I'm doing a bunch of one-shot stories for all the categories I write in. If you want more of my Lizzie fics, check out "False Self." Thanks! I took the advice of a reviewer (thanks Christy) and revised it. --NL