What did I ever do to deserve his love?

Sesshoumaru, great lord of the western lands. What could he possibly see in a simple human taijiya like me?

Perhaps it's not for me to understand. I should just accept it for what it is, and be thankful that I have him by my side. But my insecurities always get in the way, and I can't help but wonder if I will be enough to hold his attention, or will he find someone more suitable and cast me aside, leaving me alone? I don't know what I would do if he ever decided he didn't want or love me anymore; my world would end right then and there. I have nothing to live for but him, not since Naraku took away my entire family, everything I ever knew. Even Inuyasha and Kagome aren't really that close to me anymore, and that truly breaks my heart. I never meant to hurt them by choosing to be with Sesshoumaru, but I had to follow my heart. I only wish that they could understand.

Back to the issue at hand, however...why does he love me? What does he see in me?

I know why I love him. Despite his icy exterior, he has a wonderful, kind heart and soul. Granted he doesn't show it very often, but when he does, it's like heaven. Never before has anyone made me feel so happy, so alive and so loved, not like my taiyoukai does. He can be frustrating as all hell when he's trying to hide behind that facade he cherishes so, but once I can manage to break down those walls...he takes my breath away. One look from those deep, golden eyes of his and I lose control, sinking into his gaze and never, ever wanting to look away. I swear I can see right into his soul...

I still remember a time when he terrified me. Absolutely no expression would ever cross those beautiful, stone-like features. It was like he had no emotions, none at all. So many times I would watch him fighting with his brother and think "How can anyone hate their family so? I would give anything to have my brother by my side!" I still don't truly understand the animosity between those two...and I probably never will. That is a part of Sesshoumaru's life that he keeps very private, and I would never dare to beg him to share it with me. Maybe in time he will open up to me, pour his heart out, and if he does, I will be there waiting with open arms. But if not...at least he has managed to show me more than he has ever shared with anyone else.

I would be nowhere, nothing, if it weren't for him taking me in, helping me to heal my own wounds and live again. What started out as a pact for revenge against Naraku slowly blossomed into something much more fulfilling, much more real. I don't even know how it happened, really. From the start, I knew that there was something about him that I found completely irresistable. Maybe it's because our pasts were so much alike...or as alike as a taiyoukai and a taijiya could ever be. His family was torn apart much in the same way that mine was, both of us growing up without a mother, taking on huge responsibilities far before our time. Losing our fathers in the harshest ways imaginable...our souls are truly kin. And just as my love for him would disgrace my family, were they alive to see it, his love for me has complicated his life ruling this castle and his people. I hate to think that people would look down on him for the way his heart feels, falling in love with a human, but I guess that's just the way the world works. Still...it seems so unfair.

And that's what makes me nervous, sometimes. What if his people were to rebel against him, simply because he is with me? Would our love withstand that sort of trial, or would we be forced apart because of politics and hatred? I would like to think he would stand by me, but he is very proud of his status, and I would never do anything to tarnish his reputation. Sometimes I think that the youkai here are too afraid to truly speak their mind, and simply put up with me because I am his mate. Perhaps that's a blessing in disguise...though I can't stand the thought of being accepted simply because everyone fears Sesshoumaru, that fear just may be the only thing that has kept us together this long. Only time will tell...

Deep down, I know that he loves me, and would do anything for me. He has a very strange way of showing it, but when we're alone...it's like I am dealing with two completely different men. I can't say that I mind, though. When he does open up to me, and show me how he feels, it's bliss. And slowly but surely, I know that those moments will become more frequent; I can't expect him to change centuries worth of hiding his true emotions overnight, no matter how much he may love me. I know that this is no easier for him than it is for me.

I need to stop thinking so much, and simply enjoy the life I have been blessed with. Sesshoumaru is by my side, and so help me, Kami-sama. I love him. In the end, I believe that love with conquer anything.

And just in case, in the off chance that he should ever find this...Sessh, I want you to know that you mean the world to me. Thank you for taking a chance on a broken down taijiya, and teaching her that the world truly is a worthwhile place to be. I love you, my taiyoukai.