Disclaimer: If you recognize them from the show, they aren't mine. They are DICK WOLF'S. Not mine. Maybe someday he'll sell them to me . . . hey, a girl can dream.

This takes place after Serendipity. These are Casey's possible thoughts after the episode ends. Enjoy!

I can't get the thought of what that poor little girl went through out of my head. Courtney Jones was kidnapped, raped, and stuffed into a cooler. He would have gotten away with it had we arrived five minutes later and the child would be dead.

I walk down the street and enter the nearest bar, sitting down and ordering a drink. If I drown myself in liquid bliss, maybe the image of that little girl in the cooler will go away.

I'm not the right person for this job. The detectives hate me and the worst part is, I understand, and I don't blame them for one minute. I'm not Alexandra Cabot, the passionate, brave, clever attorney who everyone in the DA's office speaks of in reverent tones. If you can be like Alex, then you've done your job well. Alex was close with all of them and I understand their resentment of me. Their friend was just shot, so I can forgive them their aloofness, no matter how much it hurts. If it was my friend who'd been shot, I would probably feel the same way.

I never wanted this job. White collar crimes are my thing. They're always black and white; either he did it or he didn't do it. There are no shades of grey, no "he did it but we have to cut him a deal," no "he did it but he can't be held accountable for it," no "we think he did it but we're not sure so we have to cut him loose." I could close a case quickly and simply, with no hard feelings if I lost, because there are no victims when it comes to those kinds of crimes. In this unit, it's all about the victims, and I know I won't be able to handle it. Dealing with that little girl, Alicia, was so hard for me that I don't know how the admirable Alexandra Cabot managed to deal with this for so long.

But then, her willingness and passion got her killed.

Olivia chewed me out yesterday for not being gentle enough with Alicia. I stood there and took it because I knew she was right. I made that little girl remember the worst thing that had ever happened to her and made it even harder than it should have been. But I was so overwhelmed in that moment.

As I child, I'd been sheltered; my parents never explained to me about things like child abuse and how some people use children for their own perversities. I never even knew what rape was until I was sixteen.

So even now, it's hard for me to accept that these things do happen and they're more common than we know. It's hard for me to understand the depth of their pain because I've never been exposed to it before. Maybe in time, that will change, but part of me wishes it won't. I don't want this job. I don't want to have to face the hostility of the detectives day after day. I thought that saving Courtney would make them respect me at least a little more, but if anything, it only increased their resentment of me. They thought I was doing their jobs for them and undermining their authority, even though that wasn't true.

It's the two of them against me. To prosecute criminals, there can only be two sides, the side of the righteous and the side of the guilty. So then which side am I on?

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