Hey guys, so this plot bunny jumped into my head yesterday at work, so of course I had to write it. Its a bit darker than I normally write, but I was having a lot of Johnlock feels and kept thinking about how Sherlock always makes a list for Mycroft, and then this fic was born. I don't know a great deal about drugs, but I did my best (so warning for drug use). Also I have used certain things from the canon, but it doesn't really follow the canon. I hope you enjoy this fic, much love xox
As a side note, I never thought I would write a 4 +1 fic, but there you go.
Incase anyone is interested I listened to 'Hallelujah' sung by Jason Manns and 'Another Love' sung by Tom Odell on repeat while I wrote this fic.
Also I had a Destiel plot bunny at the same time as this one, so I intend to write that one soon. And there is will be a Mystrade multichapter fic coming in the next few months.
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Sarah.
They hadn't been flat mates for long, and yet Sherlock knew that Doctor John Watson was one of a kind. He knew this partly because of his intelligence, deductions and it was plain to see upon meeting John; but Sherlock also knew because of how John made him feel. Firstly, because he made him feel anything at all (which Sherlock was rather unaccustomed to), and secondly because of the things he made him feel. In the beginning Sherlock was utterly confused, it took a good few hours in his mind palace to understand that John made him feel liked, he made Sherlock feel like a genius (even though he was), he made him feel like perhaps it would be okay if the world kept spinning, as long as it was Holmes and Watson against the world.
The more time they spent together the deeper these new found feelings buried themselves into Sherlock. When Mycroft kidnapped John, Sherlock knew that his brother had figured it out, and there were times when he regretted telling John that he was married to his work.
Everything was going well, they solved cases together, and lived fairly well with each other's company, something Sherlock had never really enjoyed before. It was when John announced that he needed a job that things started to turn sour. Sherlock had more than enough money to support them both (and if not Mycroft would make sure he did), but John insisted, and was turned down by many places as he was 'overqualified'. Finally he found a mundane job in a clinic, and along with the job, John found that he and his colleague, Sarah, were quite compatible.
Sherlock threw a tantrum when he found out, throwing things about, making excuses as to why John couldn't have a girlfriend, in the end Sherlock locked himself in his bedroom and John went on his date with Sarah, they had a lovely time and John spent the night on her couch.
What John didn't know when he returned home was that Sherlock had had a rough night. Sherlock had tried the nicotine patches, and then smoked half a pack of cigarettes before he dug out a little thin box with a needle inside. Sherlock sat on his messed up bed just staring at the needle. He hadn't needed, or even felt like doing this since he had met John, John made him feel like he was a superior being, John who was out right now flirting his way through dinner with some woman who didn't deserve him.
The needle penetrated his skin and injected the morphine straight into his vein, the effect was instant. He laid back on the bed and spaced out, for how long he couldn't say, but when he came back to reality Mycroft was sitting beside him with a bucket and a damp cloth. The high dose of morphine always made him throw up when he came down from his high, Mycroft knew this and was prepared.
Sherlock sat up suddenly and Mycroft handed him the bucket into which Sherlock threw up.
"Oh, brother mine."
Tears stung Sherlock's eyes from the upheaval, but as much as he wanted to, he refused to cry, he felt pathetic, but what else was new. He should have known that his happiness with John wouldn't last.
While he was high, Sherlock went into his mind palace and created a place where it was just him and John together, solving cases and certainly no girlfriends. It was his new happy place.
Mycroft gave Sherlock the damp cloth and stood "What did you really expect, Sherlock? John is a man who enjoys the company of women in a romantic setting. You need to accept this, especially if you intend to keep your feelings to yourself."
And then Mycroft was gone, and Sherlock spent the night alone. When John arrived home Sherlock was playing the violin and ignored John for most of the day, even when the shorter man made him tea.
After a few more dates and a close scrape with death, Sarah told John it wasn't working between them and John was once again Sherlock's.
XXX
Brianna.
John met Brianna during a case, she was a car salesperson, and she knew how to keep John wrapped around her little finger. She called and messaged him all the time, and if he didn't respond immediately she got upset. Brianna also hated Sherlock (he did make a deduction about her boob job in front of John), which John told him was a bit not good.
She insisted that they spent their time together at her place away from Sherlock, of course John obliged, and Sherlock felt his little world crumbling again.
John came down from his room wearing his best date outfit "I think Brianna and I and going to-" He cleared his throat "take our relationship to the next level tonight." John stated as he made them both a cup of tea.
The thought of the life-sucking Brianna defiling his John was enough to make his blood boil. He sat very still and very silent in his chair, Sherlock searched for his happy place, but he couldn't find it. When he returned to the present Sherlock found that John had left the flat, next to him was a cup of tea and a note.
'Brianna messaged me to come over earlier, won't be home until tomorrow. Drink your tea. JW' it said, and Sherlock picked up his cup then launched it across the room to smash against the wall. It didn't make him feel any better.
Mrs Hudson came rushing up the stairs at the sound of the crash "Are you alright boys?" She asked popping her head through the door.
"/I/ am fine Mrs Hudson. John is not here." Sherlock replied.
"Oh, off at his girlfriend's again is he? Gosh, he goes out a lot now, doesn't he? That girl has him right under her thumb." Mrs Hudson said, hands on her hips.
"Please be quiet and go away." Sherlock told her through gritted teeth, he did not want to hear any more about Brianna, he did not want to know how much he had lost John, even though he knew it already.
Mrs Hudson went away shaking her head, Sherlock thought idly that perhaps Mrs Hudson had become aware of his feelings for John also, but he dismissed the idea.
He had been aware of how John had made him feel since they had met, but now Sherlock was realising how he felt about John, and it scared him to learn that he did have a heart after all.
The more he sat there and thought, the worse he felt, until his chest hurt and he couldn't stand to be in his head anymore. He got up and went straight to the first stash place he came across (a secret panel under the skull) and pulled out a little bag. He prepared the substance and it soon flowed through his veins, but it wasn't enough to get Brianna from his mind. Two stash spots later and Sherlock was on the floor, a slight smile on his face as he and John solved a case in his mind palace, John praised his brilliance and kissed his cheek. Sherlock felt happy again.
Mycroft had been in a meeting when his alerts went off for Sherlock, and he wasn't there fast enough to stop him, but he would be there when his brother came down. He picked up a piece of paper off the floor; it was the note from John. Mycroft turned it over and on the back were the names of three substances; it was Sherlock's list.
Mycroft sighed and sat down, he waited for Sherlock to find his way back from wherever his mind was, at least he seemed happy there.
The first words out of Sherlock's mouth were "What are you doing here?"
"Merely making sure that my dear brother does not overdose because he is jealous." Mycroft said without hesitation.
"I am not jealous." Sherlock lied blatantly.
Mycroft shook his head "Oh, but Sherlock, you are so very jealous of John Watson's girlfriend. Perhaps it is time to confess to Doctor Watson."
"No! John has explicitly confirmed time and time again that he is 'not gay'." Sherlock bowed his head "I need a shower, do not be here when I return."
When Sherlock returned he at first was furious that Mycroft had not left, but he soon realised that it was in fact John sitting on the couch and not his brother.
"John? What are you doing home? Your note said-"
"I ended it with Brianna." John explained "She just wasn't right for me, and wanted me to tell her I love her, which I don't, it was better to let it go now."
"I believe that was the correct option. Just the two of us again then." John didn't see the small smile on Sherlock's face, but that didn't mean it wasn't there.
XXX
Jenny.
Jenny was one of those stunning girls that you try to pick up in a bar and get horrendously rejected by, except that John got her number and actually called her, and they actually went on a date.
Date might not be the right word for it. They were supposed to go out for dinner, but Sherlock messaged and said he needed John at Baker Street immediately, so he and Jenny went to Baker Street on their way to dinner. John and Sherlock spent the next two hours sorting through books while Jenny ate crackers and sipped on punch (courtesy of Mrs Hudson).
When four hours ticked over, Jenny got up and collected her things "John, I'm leaving."
"No, Jenny, you can stay, I'll make it up to you, I promise." John begged
Jenny sighed and gave in "I'll give you one more chance John Watson, but next time, it better be a proper date."
Next time turned out to be a proper date, and the one after that, the one after that was a spectacular date, Sherlock only messaged him fourteen times. John ignored them after the first seven, he quite liked Jenny, and they were hitting it off rather well .
John invited Jenny back to the flat for a nightcap and they laughed their way up the stairs. John was telling a joke when the door opened and Sherlock finished the punch line for him.
"We're going to have a drink, care to join us?" John offered to Sherlock.
"No." Sherlock retrieved his coat and scarf before he headed for the door.
"Where are you going?"
"Out." Came the harsh response.
"Sherlock! You don't have to leave." But the detective was already gone with a swish of his coat.
"Bloody hell, I better go after him." John told Jenny.
"Look John, this has been great, but I should have known from the first time that this wasn't going to work."
"What do you mean?" John asked half way to the door.
"You would be a great boyfriend John…but not to me, to him," She motioned after Sherlock "and I don't want to get caught up in a love triangle."
John didn't know what to say "I'm sorry Jenny, I'll make it up to you."
She gathered her things "No, John, goodbye."
The doctor sighed, he considered going after Sherlock, but he had no idea where to look now, and it was getting late. He decided just to turn in.
Meanwhile, Sherlock had been past a few of his dealers and ended up in the train yard. He managed to take one pill before Mycroft appeared from nowhere and snatched the other two bags from his hand.
The pill was hardly enough to take the edge off "No, Mycroft, I need-" Sherlock clawed the air.
Mycroft emptied the bags onto the ground and kicked dirt over the evidence "No, brother dearest, you do not."
Sherlock knelt on the ground and rubbed his face with his hands "Its all well and good for you Mycroft, you have no feelings for any of your little goldfish, I don't know how to deal with this!"
A car arrived and they climbed in the back, Sherlock laid down and fell asleep almost immediately.
Mycroft watched over Sherlock the entire way back to Baker Street "If only you knew little brother." He whispered.
XXX
Mary.
The bus stopped not far from 221b and dropped John off only 2 minutes from the clinic he worked at. On Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays John caught the bus, and so did one Mary Morstan. After a few weeks they began to say 'hi' and soon conversations ensued; one day, John asked Mary out, she obliged and so they began dating.
As soon as John brought Mary home, Sherlock knew that this was it, he had officially lost John. She wasn't like any of the other women John had brought home, Mary even sort of liked Sherlock. He quickly deduced that John had begun dating a close female version of himself.
Sherlock tried, he really tried to let John be happy this time, he could see how well they went together, and he tried to be happy for John, but it was starting to feel like Mary was becoming a third wheel to their lives, or rather he was becoming a third wheel to theirs. That thought was not a good one.
He was doing so well this time, he hadn't needed to escape his mind in months, well over a year, and then John told Sherlock he was going to propose to Mary. Everything came crashing down.
"I'm doing it tonight, god I'm nervous, I mean we haven't known each other that long, but I feel like we've been together for years." John confessed to Sherlock, the detective couldn't even manage a snide remark, he was just too much in shock. Marriage. That meant a wedding, and permanence, and moving out, and children, and…no more cases, or late nights watching crap telly, or tea, or John.
On the outside was a calm, collected exterior, but in his brain the alarms were going off, and he couldn't think past 'no more John'.
Sherlock must have been in that state for hours, because the next time John spoke he was talking about going out and to wish him luck.
XXX
Sherlock.
John was just working up the nerve to get down on one knee to propose to Mary when his phone starting ringing; it was Mycroft.
"What is it Mycroft? I'm kind of busy." John answered.
"You might want to come down to the hospital, Sherlock is here, they are trying to stabilise him. There is a car waiting for you outside your restaurant." Then Mycroft hung up.
John felt his stomach drop out of his body and his chest tighten as he put the phone back in his pocket. He just got up and walked out, Mary followed him quickly, even into the car.
"John, what's going on?" Mary asked, very concerned.
"Sherlock is in hospital." John answered after a few breaths.
"What happened?"
"I don't know, Mary, but Mycroft sounded worried, which can't be a good thing."
It took far too long to get to the hospital in John's opinion, but once they were there he raced in and searched out Sherlock's room in minutes. He pushed open the door and rushed over to Sherlock who was unconscious.
"They managed to stabilise him, but it's going to be a long night." Mycroft sighed.
"What happened?" John asked echoing Mary's words in the car.
"He overdosed, but I had already called the ambulance before I got there. They arrived just after me. He threw up half of it, but they are trying to clean out the rest of it." Mycroft answered to his hands.
"I didn't even know he was using again." John stated, shock keeping his body stiff.
Mycroft smiled sadly "He had been clean for over a year. I thought he had finally…but obviously not. If he hadn't left a list, I would have thought it was a suicide attempt."
"Why now? What caused him to break? And so badly?" John moved over to stand right next to Sherlock, he put one hand over Sherlock's.
"Mary, would you mind waiting outside, I need to discuss something with John." Mycroft said after a few moments.
Mary looked at both men and then nodded and left the room. John looked at Mycroft curiously.
The older Holmes fidgeted before he began to speak "John, my brother and I are not like everyone else, and though I have tried to shield him from the harshness of the world, it still found him, and from an early age. We both do not view people as our equals, nor do with bother with them unless necessary. Every one either called him a freak, or avoided him and then you came along John, and you have had an extraordinary impact on my brother. You have become his drug of choice, and when you chose a girlfriend over him, he turns back to real drugs. You see, he has never experienced love before, and watching you chase after all these women broke his heart every time, and I was the only one there to make sure he didn't overdose."
John was dumbstruck, all this time Sherlock had been in love with him, and he never realised. His thumb stroked Sherlock's hand. "Why didn't he just tell me, god, he said he was married to his work, and he never seemed interested in any of that. I would have been there in a heartbeat, I just never knew…"
"John…" Mumbled Sherlock but he was still out of it.
"I'm here, Sherlock, I'll always be here." John leaned in and whispered. "Hell, what am I going to tell Mary, I was going to propose to her tonight, now I don't know what to do."
"What do you want John? You need to choose. And soon. "
John was so conflicted. He fell for Sherlock the moment he asked 'Afghanistan or Iraq', but he also cared for Mary, was about to ask Mary to be his wife. It was probably the hardest decision of his life.
Sherlock was unconscious for a week, he mumbled things occasionally, but otherwise he laid there and John was by his side every day, thinking. Mycroft popped in when he could but other than the doctors and nurses, Sherlock had no visitors.
John needed Sherlock to wake up, he needed to talk to Sherlock, to know that it was all real. He laid his head on the bed next to Sherlock and was about to nod off when Sherlock started talking, but he seemed to still be unconscious "No! No, please, just let me stay with you, please John, I can't do it anymore, out there."
Sherlock's eyes flashed open, and his cheeks wet with tears as he sobbed "Sherlock?" John started.
"John? John! I'm sorry, John, I'm sorry!" He clutched at John's hands and held them tightly in his, pulling them up to his chest.
"Shush, Sherlock, its alright, I'm here." John leaned in and kissed his forehead softly. Sherlock made to speak again but John shushed him and stroked his hair. Sherlock needed him and he would not abandon the gorgeous idiot genius.
Sherlock settled for a moment but then he struggled again "No, please, John, its time I told you something, I have to, whether it destroys everything or not. John, please believe me when I tell you that as much as I am capable; I love you John Watson." The raw emotion, and sheer openness on Sherlock's face blew John away.
When John didn't answer straight away, Sherlock's face began to crumble, and his walls started going up. "No, no, Sherlock, please listen. I have heard you say that in my head so many times, but none of it even comes close to just now. I want you to know that I also love you Sherlock Holmes, I have since we met. I just had no idea you felt the same, or anything at all. God, I'm so sorry for everything I put you through."
Sherlock didn't understand, John wasn't interested in men, he was going to marry Mary, why did he say those things just now. "I don't understand."
"Oh, Sherlock, you beautiful idiot, why do you think I can't keep a girlfriend, why everyone thinks we are gay, why I drop everything for you. I love you. I think the reason it worked with Mary was because she is almost like you, and she let us continue being us, but I know now that it was you I wanted all along."
As John finished his sentence, they heard footsteps and looked towards the entrance. Mary stood by the open door, tears running down her face. John made to step towards her but Mary put up a hand to stop him "I'm not angry, John. I always knew Sherlock came first, and it was obvious that you were the only person he truly cared about, but I had myself convinced that we could make it work nonetheless. Perhaps one day we can have coffee and you can tell me about your most recent case, but I need some time. Look after each other," She wiped away fresh tears "thanks for the rollercoaster ride."
She turned to walk out but Sherlock called out "Mary…" and she turned back around "You are an extraordinary woman, you will always be welcome at Baker Street."
Mary nodded and then left, John opened and closed his mouth for the next thirty seconds "John, please stop doing that, you look like a confused fish."
"What just happened?"
"Well," Sherlock sat up with a grunt "I believe your girlfriend just broke up with you and gave us her blessing at the same time."
"Unbelievable." John stared out the door for a moment, he did care for Mary, and it did make him sad that their relationship had come to an end, but he had no doubt that it was Sherlock he wanted to be with.
"John…" Sherlock started and John sat back down and gave his full attention to the man he would now call his boyfriend. "I know I am a difficult man. I have many flaws, and I am not exactly relationship material, or someone you would take home to your parents. I know nothing about romance, or how to maintain a functioning relationship. There will be times were I will push you to the edge, but please remember that despite everything, I love you, even when I don't say it and you don't feel it, know its real John."
There was something desperate in the way Sherlock spoke, like it was the most important thing in the world that John understood what he was saying, and to Sherlock it was.
"Don't worry, Sherlock, you're stuck with me for good. Now if you don't mind, I have been wanting to do this for a very fucking long time." He leant in slowly and cradled Sherlock's cheek as their lips met in a gentle kiss.
In his office, Mycroft sat at his desk and watched on a laptop as Doctor Watson kissed his brother for the first time. He closed the lid of the computer and sat back in his chair, fingers at a steeple "Wise choice, Doctor, wise choice."