A/N: Hey everyone! This is my first Harry Potter fanfiction and is set during Harry's sixth year at Hogwarts before he's together with Ginny. I will be using Hermione/Ginny. Thanks to dreaming of ravens at night for betareading this fanfic.
Chapter 1: So Close Yet So Far Apart
Harry walked up to the Astronomy tower, wand clenched in his hand. This was something he couldn't take anymore. Only 16 and meant to be the killer of someone. He might have grown up with the thought but he could not take it anymore, never again. Everyone looked at him as, 'The Chosen One' or 'The Boy Who Lived.' Never just Harry; even Ron and Hermione who were his best friends and had been through so much with him such as Ron sacrificing himself in the chess game or facing his fear of spiders so they could clear Hagrid's name. It seemed as if none of that mattered anymore and somehow they had all drifted apart.
He stood on the edge of the tower and looked down, ready to jump and end this all.
"I can't do this. Not anymore. Not anymore," he whispered to himself. He knew this was the easy way out. He knew it wasn't the right thing to do but right now it felt more right than anything. He was so tired of this, so tired of all the pressure.
The pain filled in his chest. He knew he would hurt many if he chose this path, but he felt like had no choice. So many had died already for him: because of him Sirius had fallen to his death and didn't know how to go on. Apart from this, he felt a strange feeling of pain every time he saw Ron and Lavender snogging. He thought Ron deserved his attention a lot more than that girl. The black-haired boy did not know why he felt that way but had come to a conclusion that he had begun to consider Ron beyond the friendship level, something which shocked him more than anything.
If he died then there would be no more hope for the Wizarding World, but then Ron or Hermione could take his place. They could train Dumbledore's Army and bring Voldemort down as a team like it should have been, not relying on one person. He would finally be at peace and with his family. His mom, he would finally see his mom. Thoughts rushed into his mind, knowing this was a big thing for him to be doing, but he did not think he could stop now. The black-haired looked down once more at the place he had learned to love and the place he would now be ending his existence.
"Harry," A voice interrupted him.
Harry had not expected to see anyone follow him so he was startled to hear Ron's voice, the one person he had expected to not have time for him anymore. This was the worst time for him to find him like this when he was on the verge of ending his life. It was like fate hated him or something for trying to stop him from joining those he loved. However, he managed a forced smile knowing full well that Ron would see through it. After having been his friend for five years straight, he would be able to tell whether his smiles were genuine or forced.
"Hey," Harry said quietly. "How's Lav-Lav?" He tried to put on a teasing tone to make everything sound normal, and as if nothing was wrong. He knew he should turn to Ron and Hermione for help like he always did but he it seemed as if he couldn't anymore. He felt as if he had burdened them enough through sticking by his side in such dangerous situations. It was fine while they were kids but they weren't children anymore, things were different now.
Ron breathed out through his nose as he stared at his best friend. His mouth had turned dry, and his tongue felt three sizes too large for his mouth. His heart pounded in his ears as a cold chill swept through his guts. He had never seen his best friend act like this in all the years he had known him. Something was definitely up and Ron wanted to get to the bottom of it. He didn't like the look in Harry's eyes, nor did he like the fake smile. It sent chills crawling up Ron's back in all the worst possible ways. Here stood his best friend, the man he'd known for five years, who inspired him to be a better wizard and a better person, and he was about to jump off the astronomy tower. Ron took another deep breath, trying to calm down his jangling nerves.
A part of Ron wanted to summon a teacher or someone professional trained to deal with a situation like this, but the friend in him didn't allow it. Despite not being the brightest, he knew that after what he had seen, he couldn't leave Harry like this. He felt like smacking himself in the head for being as selfish as he was. But where was Hermione when Harry needed someone to talk to? He knew the brunette wasn't too happy about him and Lavender dating, but surely she wouldn't abandon Harry when he clearly needed her and...them the most. He had lost his godfather and his own best friends had become too busy to be there for him. Not for the first time in his life, Ron felt guilt make its way into his heart. It was wrong to blame Hermione when he was Harry's closer friend.
"L-Lavender's bloody mental," Ron managed to say albeit weakly, realising Harry had asked him a question.
Harry could tell from the look in Ron's eyes that he had figured out what he had been about to do. It didn't take a genius to do that, considering where he was standing. He jumped down besides Ron from the edge. Had Ron not come here, he might have already been gone. Not that he wasn't glad to see his friend, but how was he supposed to explain something like this? He wondered if it could even be explained, the feeling of emptiness inside him. He knew if he had jumped, Ron and Hermione would have been devastated and he felt guilty about leaving them upset. But he had enough. He walked besides his best friend.
Harry gave a small chuckle when Ron said Lavender was mental. He had a feeling she wasn't the ideal partner for his best friend considering he himself hadn't gotten along too well with Parvati at the Yule Ball, and the two were practically as close as he and Ron were. When Ron asked if they could chat about this, he tilted his head to the side.
"I just didn't want to do this anymore, Ron," Harry admitted, unable to believe he was coming clean with Ron. He had planned to apologise or lie about why he was standing on the edge but found that he couldn't. "I want to join Mum, Dad and Sirius. You have Lavender and Hermione will get over her feelings and you two will be friends again soon, maybe even more. You guys have your own lives, and I don't want to burden the two of you any longer."
Ron gaped at Harry when he explained what he was about to do and why. It made sense that Harry would want to join his family, but he didn't want Harry to leave. He clenched his fist and without warning punched the other in the face.
"Are you mad?!" Ron cried, unable to help but glower at Harry. "If we wanted to live our own lives, we could have turned back at the trapdoor in our first year! We could have let you go on your own for the Philosopher's stone! Did you even think of us, Harry? You mean so much to Hermione and me! I know we haven't been the greatest friends to you lately but that doesn't mean we don't care!" He knew he shouldn't yell at Harry but the thought that his best friend had just admitted he was about to hurt himself terrified him. What if he hadn't come to talk to Harry? He might have jumped and then...he didn't even want to think further than that. The thought was too horrible.
Harry winced when Ron punched him as it made his head spin slightly. He was surprised to see Ron so angry. It was almost like déjà vu. It reminded him of how he was after Sirius's death. He looked at Ron and noticed from his eyes that he was more than angry; he was terrified of the thought at what Harry was about to do. This made Harry feel slightly guilty. He really hadn't thought of how it would affect either of his friends if he was gone. He had thought they would move on but maybe that was the selfish part of him speaking. The one that wanted everything to end.
"I...I didn't think of that," The black-haired boy admitted when Ron asked if he had even thought of them when he was about to take that step. "I'm sorry Ron. I was just missing Sirius and my parents. I didn't want to bother you guys 'cause you had a new girlfriend, and Hermione had her own issues to deal with."
Ron took another breath to calm himself and realised Harry's nose was bleeding. He took out his wand, muttering a quick charm to fix it as Harry apologised. He held out a hand to Harry causing the other to blink.
"Come on," Ron said slowly. "Let's head to our dorm since no one's there right now. I shouldn't exactly blame you for it. I know Hermione and I haven't been around much, mate, but we would have been there for you if you told us. But now, you have to tell me everything. I won't turn away from you again, I'll even apologise to Hermione and break up with Lavender since she's driving me mental anyway. But Harry...don't try anything like that again. Promise me?" He stared at Harry, dead in the eye as he said this. He was so grateful he had decided to head to the Astronomy Tower to get rid of Lavender for a while. The main thing was he had gotten there in time, otherwise if he was a second late...he might have regretted it for the rest of his life.
Harry smiled a little when Ron began rambling and even fixing his bleeding nose. He raised an eyebrow when the redhead said he'd break up with Lavender and apologise to Hermione. That would be nice now that Harry thought about it. He'd like to have his two best friends make peace as he really did feel too lonely without them. He was a little startled when Ron asked him to make a promise though. He looked back into his best friend's eyes and leaned over, clapping him gently on the shoulder.
"I promise," Harry whispered. "Just don't tell Hermione about this ok? If you reacted this badly, she'll have my head for even trying something like this."
"As she should," Ron muttered under his breath, albeit agreeing not to tell Hermione about it. The two of them headed down towards their dorm, and Ron cringed as they ran into Lavender.
"Won-Won!" Lavender squealed, immediately clinging to him as he came down. She made her innocent eyes at him and smiled. "Where did you go? You just disappeared!"
Ron cringed and pulled away from his overly clingy girlfriend.
"Look, Lavender we'll talk later ok?" Ron said quickly looking at Harry who was pretending not to listen to them. "Right now, my friends need me more ok?"
Lavender saw the look in his eyes. It was a look she had never seen before, and her eyes took on a seriousness that Ron had never seen.
"Okay," Lavender said softly. "We'll talk later." She glanced at Harry, sending him a small smile before disappearing along a corridor.
Ron was surprised at how easily Lavender agreed. He expected her to whine and complain as well as talk trash about how he spent too much time around Harry and Hermione. He was relieved at how well she took that though. His eyes met with Harry's, and they continued on.
"That was kinda odd," Ron muttered so only his best friend could hear.
"I think Lavender could tell this was important to you," Harry said shrugging. He didn't read people that well but Ron wasn't all that great at hiding his emotions. He guessed Lavender had seen the same guilt and fear in Ron's eyes that he sensed in Ron's presence right now, so she let him go. She was human after all, even if she was a bit clingy. Ron was still frowning, but he nodded as a sign to show he accepted that explanation.