Name: The Fate of Being Alone
Author: 18swan27
Rating: T
Genre: Angst, drama, songfic, yaoi
Pairing: 1827, in other words Hibari/Tsuna
Warnings: Mentions of violence and rape (not graphic though since I can't write those no matter how hard I try), swearing
Song: Hitoribocchi no Sadame by Takashi Kondo (Hibari Kyoya's seiyuu)
Summary: I want to hurt you, watch you bleed. Want to hear your screaming my name, smash you into small pieces so you won't be able to smile to me like that anymore. You disgust me, you excite me. Just what are you?
A/N: There's it all in the summary, basically. I was listening to Hibari's character songs out of nostalgia and when I saw English translation for Hitoribocchi no Sadame my inner 1827 shipper woke up and then created this. Some might want my head now because this is no happy and fluffy fic and I used our dear Kyo-chan's song as my playground (I know some others have already written a songfic using this song but I haven't read any of them so I don't know if they're similar at all). The fic's nothing like the ones I've been writing recently. I was feeling kinda angsty and this song just felt right for this. Somehow I saw the sad side of the song and lyrics, one being forever alone and not accepting anyone near them. Hibari's just like that, aloof cloud and Tsuna accepting sky that holds his hand out to aid. No matter how afraid he is. So play the song while reading to get into the right mood or if you can do it better without, then go ahead and do so. Actually, the fic's based more on the lyrics and not the melody. It gives the story a different nuance but the story's more angsty (in my opinion) without the background music. But it's your call :)
This fic is from Hibari's point of view and 'you' is obviously our cute Tuna-fish.
The Fate of Being Alone
The coincidental meeting
One day you just appeared into my life and from that day on you were always there. It was so annoying. One day you, the herbivore, stood there in my office with your weak herbivorous friends, looking so damn pathetic I wanted to beat your brain to the wall.
From that day on I always tried my best to get rid of you and the herbivores you called friends. They were so annoying too, always disturbing the peace I'd managed to maintain. Keeping a tight discipline. And then you came, dragged me with you without asking for permission and took the only thing from me that I had: peace. Loneliness. The fate of being alone. Now I can't do it, the fate I had planned for myself since I was only a child.
You're always there after that one day.
To keep it precious
You who hold out the shaking hands
Even after many months you still looked at me with those frightened eyes of yours which reminded me of a small animal. It disgusted me. To think that a boy – a mere human being – could look like that. So pathetically weak and scared that it made my blood boil. I wanted to beat you up so badly so you'd stop looking at me. Go away and never come back.
But when I did, you came back. You looked happy to see I was alright after our fight.
You hold a hand out for me.
You smiled.
Smiled.
I glared at you, told you to go away and how weak you were that it made me want to take my own life. Your friends were mad, yelling and disturbing the peace. I had to beat them too. I can't stand noise. I can't stand them.
Yet, even though I told you you were weak, you were surprisingly strong. It made my blood boil even more but now for different reason. Yes, I still wanted to make you go away. Those quivering eyes and shaking yet accepting hands but I was also able to feel your power inside of me. Calling me and making me thirsty for your blood, body and soul. I wanted you more but I couldn't get anymore than this.
I wouldn't let myself.
Why did you keep coming back to me?
Satisfied now?
Get out of my sight already
If not, you'll get hurt
I kept beating you, biting you, tearing you apart mentally and physically. Yet, you still were there. Looking sad, disappointed but still smiling at me like some saint. I wanted nothing more than wipe that smile off of your face so you couldn't look at me like that ever again.
Feelings were disgusting.
I don't know love
I don't know how to love
The fate of being alone eternally
When time passed and you were still there, laughing so damn happily with your friends, noticing me and then calling my name like you'd been looking for me. More often I found myself staring at you, gritting my teeth and growling. The beast inside of me wanted still smash your face against the floor and hear the satisfying crunch when your skull broke. Your blood painting the floor with a beautiful crimson.
Damage you. Taint you. Make everyone know you're my pray and I destroyed you. Completely.
Smile and tears are weaklings' actions
And yet, one day I realized I was drawn to your smiling face. The flush on your cheeks when someone complimented you. The shine in your eyes when you cried for me. Because of me.
But...
With my body as it is
With my heart as it pleases
I'll go live and don't hinder me
I was better off without you and your damn presence everywhere. Even though I wanted to make you smile and cry only for me, I still wanted to do those to make you disappear. My life was perfect before you came and never left.
Before I realized how much I graved for you.
You're easy to be understood
Always being frank
Still, you'll get hurt
One day you came to me again. I wanted to be alone, I was always alone before you became something important. Before that you were nobody and now you're a weak somebody that looked straight into my soul. Made something I thought was dead move once again.
I didn't know what it was. It wasn't fear, the beast like me would never be afraid of such a small bunny like you. But it wasn't wrath either. No, even though I wanted to hurt you bad I didn't want to hurt you because I hated you.
It was like it was the other way around.
You looked me in the eye and told me how you'd been worried about me. Why? I was a carnivore. Carnivores never got hurt. Only their pride would get hurt and it did that back then. When you looked me in the eye with a worry, with tears, for once not being afraid of me.
It made me angry.
I hit you. Hard. I hit you twice. You didn't even try to dodge or fight back. You took it and fell down like a useless doll, breathing hard. Blood covered your face, making you even more beautiful.
What are you doing there?
There's nothing to do
I kneeled down beside you and traced your sad face with my fingers. Beautiful. So beautiful. I couldn't get enough. Your eyes were closed while I felt the wetness on your pale skin, enjoying the feeling it gave me. Following the smooth line of your chin, cheek, parted lips. You smiled. Smiled like you were enjoying the touch and took my hand into yours. Held me close.
I yanked my hand back and watched how the last trade of light left your face. Now there was only sadness. I'd denied you. I'd broke you.
Finally.
The road of walking alone anytime
I rose and left, not looking back. I was finished. You were broken, useless. After this you surely wouldn't come back to me with those gentle hands of yours. With that smile that threatened to make me blind and loose my own path. The eyes that made me want to follow you and become someone else.
I wouldn't do that. I was my own master and even though seeing you made me feel so many different feelings, I wouldn't make sure of them. Feelings were useless.
My fate was always to be alone.
You really can't be talked to
I really hate crowding people
It was a week after that incident and you hadn't come back to me. I knew it was over and I could get over you. Not that there had been anything to get over with in the first place.
You just wouldn't be there. Always there. Annoying the hell out of me with your words and face.
That beautiful face.
I heard you laughing. You looked happy again but I could see how your eyes held the sadness that would never go away. I had destroyed something inside you for good. You weren't innocent, no longer. Yet you were able to keep that smile on and once again I felt a tug in my chest. Need to hear your voice, your laugh and scream. But not for those weaklings crowding you, no.
I wanted them to be because of me.
Then I understood how my plan had failed. I had gotten rid of you. You didn't have to get hurt anymore because of me, because I wanted to make you scream in agony and pleasure.
But the plan failed because I hadn't been able to forget. The feeling was still there. And I hated it so fucking much because you looked so fucking happy when you talked to your friends about something I could never be a part of.
Can't you be quiet,
I need more secluded place
If I can live, I won't hinder you
I chased you away. Even though your friends were shouting at me, throwing me with dynamites and fists, I beat them with even more pleasure. They were too close to you, they touched you when you were mine. I had marked you, made you mine, broke you. Even though you weren't mine anymore, no one else could get you either.
I made them go away, you stayed because you didn't want to hurt me. You took everything I gave you.
But this time I didn't give you anything. You annoyed me but you were already useless. You'd always been.
I walked away, left you behind knowing with a satisfied smirk how you'd crumble down to the floor right when I was out of sight.
It was a real pity, though. That I could touch you no more.
I wanted to yet I didn't.
But you followed me. Grabbed my hand and hugged me from behind. What were you? Some kind of masochist? You were supposed to know from the beginning I didn't like affection, not touch, not love. I didn't know love. I didn't even want to learn to know.
Yet you hugged me, shaking. Begging me to forgive you. For what? That you were useless? You nodded.
And I hated you even more. Loved you even more. Lusted over you even more.
You were so fucking annoying and you still weren't broken enough even though I'd made you go away. Given you a chance.
I dislike people like you
It makes my feelings get a little out of order
Why?
Hate. Affection. Love. Anger. Hurt. Blood lust. Lust. Lust.
You were an enigma with your large chocolate eyes, spiky hair and a personality of an angel. Soon you'd be a fallen one. I grabbed your wrist and squeezed it, smirking at the way you winced in pain, closed your eyes when you tried to block the reality away. You wanted to please me so much, still. After everything I'd done to make you disappear since the day one.
When you stood in my office looking so delicious. So weak and pitiful. Disgusting.
I wanted you.
I dragged you to my office and threw you to the couch. If you didn't want to leave, I'd take you till your last breath. I'd satisfy the last bit of my hunger so I could let you finally go and never look back again.
I hated that kind of weakness.
I wasn't weak. Beasts weren't weak so I had to make you even more disgusting. Make you impure.
Your eyes widened in fear, lips parted for screams, begs, prayers. I smiled and listened every beautiful sound you made. Every gasp and groan of pain when I entered you. Ripped you apart.
When I bit your neck, you whimpered and tried to push me away, telling me this was going too far. It was your own fault, really. You were the reason I felt anything when I was supposed to be a loner. Always alone. You always came back. It was your own fault.
I loved the way you cried and shivers on your body when I licked your salty tears away. Every time when I pushed harder, you rocked, groaning in pleasure. Every time I hit that certain point inside you, you screamed my name, drew flashy red lines to my back with your nails. I disciplined you for that too, for hurting me even though it made my blood rush harder, hunger grow to pure need to have you right now. It felt so fucking good I wanted more and more and more and more until you couldn't walk anymore.
And I had more. When I was done, you'd fainted from ecstasy, pleasure, agony. You looked so beautiful, your skin bruised from my lips and teeth and fingers. You were naked, so vulnerable and mine. Finally, you were mine and I could let you go.
I didn't need you.
And the next day, when I woke up, you were gone.
I don't know love
I don't know how to love
The fate of being alone eternally
After that day, I only saw glimpses of you. You never looked me in the eye. I'd hurt you worse than before. I'd raped your body and mind without your permission. The beating you'd accepted but taking your virginity, purity, had been too much shame on you.
Even when you'd been so beautiful.
But I don't need you. Not even when I still remember your voice before I go to sleep, not even then when I imagine how your small, quivering body felt under me, how my fingers sunk into your silky brown hair. Not even when I remember your warm smile that you gave only for me.
I gave it away because I don't need love. I can't love.
Smile and tears are weaklings' actions
With my body as it is
With my heart as it pleases
I'll go live and don't hinder me
You smelled like vanilla. As soft as you were. I clenched my fist, gritted my teeth and felt a new kind of feeling. Something new that didn't want to hurt and dominate.
I didn't want it. I didn't need it so I threw it away.
I opened my fist and saw my own blood. My nails had bitten into my own skin, leaving beautiful, shining red flow down to my wrist. It was shining in the Sunlight. Like your blood had once shone.
So beautiful yet so wrong.
I heard your laugh. You looked happy with the other herbivores. But I could see even though they didn't that there was a darkness in your eyes that could never see a daylight again. I had left it there. That part in you was mine but I'd never claim it to myself again.
I didn't need someone as weak and useless as you. I had myself and everything was fine. Everything was just fine.
I turned around before you could see me and left. I felt hungry again, I wanted to hurt. But I didn't want to hurt you. For now it was enough I heard your laughter and you left me alone.
Don't come close to me more than this
After all it was my destiny to be alone.
A/N: The fist song-fic I've written like ever so not sure how I managed. Usually I stick to longer fics or oneshots. So please tell me what you think, okay? It'd make me super happy, you see.