Started: 05/03/08

Finished: 06/04/08

Author's Note 1

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. The rights to those characters and to the show belong to the creators of the show, to CBS, The Sullivan Company and to A&E.

Author's Note 2

Missing Scene Challenge 5

Episode: A New Life

The scene: Between the plate breaking scene at their first night in the new homestead and the awkward morning scene...

THE TALK

By RachelSelina

As the children disappeared upstairs, completely oblivious to their parents' discomfort, Sully began to recover from the fit of hysteria that they had both fallen into. Kneeling to start the clean up, he wondered just what was going through his new wife's head. He knew that she was going to be even more nervous now that they were at home, but he suspected that the nerves displayed now were of a different cause. He was sure that they had nothing to do with her wedding night anxiety, that of her fear that she wouldn't be able to please him. The mere thought of that night and the anxiety that she had later shared, filled Sully with such a warm glow, that he felt sure it could be visibly seen. Shaking himself he returned to his previous thoughts, and decided that Michaela's nerves were more pronounced now due the proximity of the children. His mind drifted back to only a few weeks ago, when the Reverend had strongly suggested that both he and Michaela might benefit from some pre-wedding counselling. His first notion was to reject it, however as time had gone on, he felt that both of them had moved closer. However there were still a few areas that needed further discussion, and tonight's incident, or the hidden meaning behind it, was one.

Feeling the need to talk to her, once they were ensconced in their own private haven, Sully finished clearing up the debris from the floor, and turned to see what Michaela had been doing while he was down there. Seeing his wife white as a sheet and nervously fiddling with her apron made Sully's mind up once and for all. Talk they would and soon. Repositioning himself so that he could get up without dropping the mess that he was carrying, Sully rose to his feet as quietly and sure footed as a deer moves to the waterside. Walking to the kitchen and apparently unseen by Michaela, Sully deposited the refuse into the bucket they used as a bin. He then retraced his steps, grabbing a couple of cups of tea on the way and quickly turned the lights out in the kitchen area. Hoping that this may cause his still stunned wife to move towards the stairs, Sully was pleased to see that it was having the desired affect. So not wasting any more time than necessary, Sully placed the cups on the table, hastily turned the remaining lamps off, checked the doors, and retrieved the cups before heading upstairs after Michaela.

As Sully passed each of the children's rooms he quietly opened the door checking that all was well in this new place of his heart, his family. Opening his own bedroom door as quietly as he could, as he didn't know yet if Michaela had gone straight to bed in order to avoid discussing her earlier embarrassment. Pleased that she was still up, and in fact appeared very deep in though. However as he didn't wish to make her jump, and then send her back into her shell, Sully announced, "I checked the kids, they're fine. Bought us some drinks." When he noted that Michaela had acknowledged what he had said, and heard a quiet, "Thank you, a drink before bed would be nice" as his response, Sully then felt braver to finish his earlier thought, so taking a deep breath, he ventured into foreign territory with, "I kinda thought we might talk 'fore we turn in."

Michaela on the other hand knew that this was likely to come up tonight after her reaction with the perfectly innocent comment from Brian, and then the broken plate. Instantly worrying that she would be out of her depth, Michaela made to say 'no I'm too tired' but instead said, "I guess we should, although it won't be easy for me Sully, but I know we need to talk about earlier." Pleased that she obviously hadn't followed her initial thought, and turned him down, Sully leant forward and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek.

Feeling that if he handled tonight in the right way, their marriage would potentially reach a level of connection that neither would have known before, delighted and scared Sully all at the same time. If he was honest he hadn't been this nervous on their wedding night. That night just seemed to meld into effortless perfection for both of them. Sully came to the realisation that the reason he was more nervous now, was because he would have to initiate this conversation, and actually talk about his own knowledge of love and marriage, from his parents up to and including now. Never being one who enjoyed deep conversations, and enjoying them even less if the subject matter was him. Sully wondered briefly if he hadn't made a massive mistake in proposing this idea in the first place. However that thought quickly left him, and a new sense of courage came in its stead, as he saw the look of trepidation cross his wife's face.

Deciding it would be best if both were relaxed and in their night clothes, Sully placed the cups on the table by the fire, softly caressed his heartsong's face and hair as he walked past, then turned to retrieve his nightshirt. He had never been one who was ashamed of what the Spirits had given him, in terms of his physique, however he had learned early on that Michaela didn't possess the same self-assured nature. Adding this to the small list that was forming, Sully quickly shed his buckskins and shirt, unceremoniously deposited them on the bed. Now only wearing his briefs, he could see out of the corner of his eye that he had in fact been watched the entire time. Smiling to himself that he was quite happy to provide a show if that is what it took to make tonight go smoothly, Sully slowly and purposefully reached for his nightshirt. Over-stating every move, in order to give Michaela a clear view of his muscles and other regions. Feeling slightly guilty for purposely embarrassing his wife, as he knew that when he turned around she would go red and hide her face as if she had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

Knowing that he had been delaying the inevitable, Sully pulled the shirt over his head and turned at the same moment. The look on his wife's face would stay with him for eternity, there was nothing but pure love and a hint of lust firmly entrenched in those mismatched eyes. Realising that as soon as Michaela detected him watching her she would bolt emotionally, Sully just walked past her, re-stacked the fire, reached for his cup and flopped down on the rug. Patting the area next to him, he tried to encourage Michaela to join him. Seeing the war between needing comfort and logical actions take place on her face, and noting comfort win, Sully reached up a hand to assist her as she sat down next to him.

After ensuring that both he and Michaela were comfortable and that they had both got enough to drink, Sully took Michaela's shaking hand and thought about the best way to begin. Feeling that it might be a prudent move to discern some basic understanding, so he began, "'Chaela ya know that there ain't nothin' ta be ashamed off don't ya?" Seeing a nervous nod in response steeled Sully a little, so he continued, "And ya know that I love ya and wanna show ya don't ya?" Once more seeing a nod, followed by a blush and a quiet, "I know and I love you too." Thankful that she appeared to be relaxing, and hearing what he was saying.

Feeling the time had come to actually tackle the real problem here, that of his wife's insecurities, Sully softly kissed her hand while saying, "Don't ya know that ya can tell me anythin'? I ain't gonna laugh at ya or tell no one." Waiting for what he had said to sink in Sully looked longingly into Michaela's eyes, almost willing her to understand. Finally when he felt her pull away slightly, which he allowed, and say, "I don't know how. It's silly…you'll think I'm silly." Getting ready to jump in and tell her how wrong she was, Sully was brought up short when he heard a quiet, almost muffled, "Help me Sully."

Sensing that the actual implication of Michaela's statement was the she was hoping for direct questions, Sully paused for thought, and then asked, "Tell me about your parents' marriage. 'Fore ya Pa died."

Relieved that her request had been understood as it was intended, Michaela paused, before giving Sully a small smile, and then began, "My parents were so different, both in themselves and with how they acted about things like this. You can probably guess how Mother behaved, you've witnessed enough of her tirades, that I'm sure it won't come as a surprise for you to learn that there was never any outward sign that they even loved one another." Not surprised in the least at what Michaela had said, and having guessed as much himself, Sully was feeling so sorry for his heartsong, sorry that she had never witnessed the kind of marriage that he had, the kind of marriage that had been instrumental in his teachings for when that time came in his own life.

Suspecting that Michaela had got lost in thought and memories, Sully gently reached for her hand and gave it a soft squeeze, as if too bring her back to reality. Noting that she had received his message, she began again by taking a deep drink of her tea, and then said, "My Father once told me about how they met. Father was still in medical school, however as they were both so young, Grandfather deterred him from following his heart, and urged him to finish school, and then seek out love if that was what he chose. Mother on the other hand was sure that he would forget school, as all she wanted to do was settle down and raise a family as soon as possible."

"Father finished medical school, as I'm sure you guessed, and then met up with Mother. Now an accomplished doctor, Elizabeth was all the more taken with him. However Father was convinced that even then it was more to do with prestige than love. Mother has never admitted that this was the case, but I am sure that if you ask Rebecca she wills ay the same. Breeding for Mother has always been more important. So having a doctor in the family was as high as you could go. Once they were married, everything changed, as Rebecca was born very quickly, and Father was never home. Shortly after Claudette and Maureen were born. Father was still working long hours, so Martha and Harrison took on a lot of the parental roles, as Mother was supposedly sick after each birth. Then Marjorie came along, quite unexpectedly, and Father doubted that he'd ever have a son. Until I came along, and even then it was a compromise…but then you know that story."

With a quick kiss of her hand and a "Sure do…and I'm sure glad that you were born." Sully allowed Michaela to continue.

"Well as I say a lot of this I heard from Grandfather, and then later Rebecca, but from what I observed, and heard, romance was never a thing that was discussed and certainly never openly done. Naturally they both must have had some degree of physical intimacy, after all they produced five children, but I don't ever remember seeing them kiss or hold each other. It just wasn't done. When Rebecca got married, I lost the only link to the adult world, so I grew up, following in Father's footsteps, but believing that it didn't matter about falling in love, a better match was more important. By the time Father died, I had already lost David, whom I believed that I loved, but now know that I didn't. Anyway once Father died, I had lost everyone who could guide and advice me, so I suppose I ran away, and ended up here."

"As you know Mother wasn't impressed with my choice, and she certainly didn't want me to remain here, but I felt that Father would have said 'Live your life Mike, learn to let go' and that's what I did. It wasn't until I met you that I realised just how naïve I was, and how little I actually understood about life and love. In truth I felt like a child. I had nothing to compare my feelings too, and nothing to fall back on. I was such a fool, it took so long to understand what should have come naturally."

Needing to jump in and stop this self-recrimination before it got out of hand, Sully held her hand firmly and said emphatically, "How could ya 'ave known. You always tell Brian ta learn by watching and doing. Ya never saw nothin' ta watch, so what could ya do? Don't ya see, by not seeing, ya were scared of the unknown, but ya got there…we got there."

Suddenly seeing that all of her uncertainty was unwarranted and natural in its make up, Michaela leant forward and softly kissed Sully, as a sign of thanks for his understanding. However, she still needed to finish her story before Sully began his, if in fact he was going to say anything. So taking a last sip of her tea, Michaela finished by saying, "You know that before our wedding night, I was afraid of letting you down, which I know was silly, but Sully you have to realise that Mother never prepared me, and what Rebecca and Dorothy said didn't really help that much. I know in my heart that there's nothing to be embarrassed about, but I'm still so unsure with my own feelings that when I'm faced with the children seeing, and knowing, I get scared…as you saw."

Finally beginning to understand just how deep seated this insecurity was, Sully once again felt for his wife, and marvelled at how far she had come in a relatively short space of time. However, he knew that if tonight was going to start to allay her fears about displaying intimacy, then he would have to be honest as well. Not being one that enjoyed speaking about himself, Sully knew that it would be difficult, but incredibly important with the cementing of their bond.

Sully cast a glance around the room, as if trying to find inspiration there. Michaela watched her husband's face and saw such a deep frown that she felt guilty at the small degree of peace she now felt. It was as if she had been waiting all her life to tell her story, and now she had found the one person whom she knew wouldn't judge or condemn her. Now with her story out in the open, and nothing but reassurance from her beloved Sully, Michaela felt that she was now able to try and offer the same support for Sully. So taking his hand in hers, Michaela said, "Sully, look at me." Waiting for the concerned eyes to face her, and noting when they did, Michaela took a steadying breath and thought before she spoke.

Suspecting that the real reason for tonight's talk, had been to try and make her see that there was nothing wrong with kissing and cuddling, Michaela felt that although she was a long way from the complete, free, woman that both she and Sully wished for, she was feeling more at ease. That ease, and peace, had come as a direct result from all her husband had done tonight. However, Michaela also knew that Sully knew her better than she knew herself, and would therefore be expecting her to accept what had happened up to now, file it way, and close the walls again. Knowing that this was likely to happen made Michaela panic slightly, but then she realised that she could actually stop that from happening, if she just allowed herself to believe and trust in all that had happened. Added to that, if she showed the same natural love and interest in Sully's family, she was sure that her defences, and propriety would lessen considerably.

What she knew of his family life was not good, and she would therefore be treading very carefully if she were to ask him to talk to her, the same way she had talked to him. However, she felt sure that Sully wouldn't have instigated tonight if he hadn't known this moment would come. So, taking his hand to her lips, and leaving a soft wet kiss there, Michaela said, "What you've just given me is one of the most precious gifts that I've ever received. The knowledge that you wanted to hear about my family, and that this knowledge didn't result in the condescension that I feared, has helped me no end. Let me help you Sully, tell me how you learnt to love? Tell me about your family…if you can?"

Smiling to himself at the apparent interest lying in his wife's question, but needing to make sure that what he understood was actually what she intended, Sully took a breath and said, "Sure I can if ya wanna know?" When he received a nod in response, followed by a light squeeze of his hand. Sully knew that the time had come to bare the final part of his soul, the part that he had been holding on to for fear of being laughed at or rejected. It occurred to him as this realisation dawned upon his mind, that Michaela had been doing the exact same thing, the quirk of fate was not lost on him, in fact it was stamping its foot pretty hard. Knowing that he couldn't continue to put off the necessary and inevitable sharing, Sully squeezed Michaela's hand in return and began.

"Ma was called Katherine, Pa's name was Aiden, my middle name. You know that I had a brother called Will. Well he died not long after we came 'ere. But back ta the start. Ma and Pa were farmers; they tended the land back in England, where Will was born. He used ta tell me stories when I was real young, stories of how they met and married under the stars as they couldn't afford no real ceremony. Don't know how true it was but it kinda made me feel real warm inside. Time went by and the land dried up and there were folks moving out west, so Ma and Pa along with Will moved with 'em."

Pausing in his narration to gather his thoughts and take a sip of his now cold tea, Sully cast a glance at Michaela's face, trying to determine if she was still interested. Noting that she was, and feeling a little better about talking this way, Sully continued, "Will said that the journey was so rough that it near out killed Ma, but Pa managed ta get 'em a berth down below. Just as well cause it turned out she was expecting me, and I was born on the ship, as ya know. I reckon, from what Pa and Will told me, that I was 'bout 3 or 4 months old when we got 'ere ta America."

Seeing all the emotion gather in his wife's eyes, Sully knew that he was doing the right thing by starting at the beginning, and he also knew that she would more than likely be crying by the end, as would he. Starting where he left off, Sully began, "Ma and Pa had a rough time getting' used ta things. Will used ta be the one ta take care of me. He used ta tell me that Ma a Pa loved us. Anyhow from as far back as I can rem'ber; there weren't never any harsh words or hate. All I can rem'ber were kind, gentle words. A lot of kisses, and hugs, from both Ma and Pa. See while they worked hard, they didn't wanna make us suffer. Will told me that." Stopping once more, Sully saw such a look of love in Michaela's eyes it gave him the strength to get to the first of the really hard parts of his story. So, skipping a few years, to move the story on, Sully spoke in little more than a whisper, "After we'd been 'ere a while, Pa got a job on a ranch, best he could do. Ma was left ta raise us as Pa went on drives for months at a time. On one of these drives Pa died. I rem'ber Will saying that the land killed him. Will died just after that, he got trapped under a horse in town one day. Ma weren't the same after that. I guess she forgot 'bout me, or that's what I reckoned then. She went all quiet and then just left me one night, next I knew was a policeman told me she was dead, and I had to go with him. I just ran and ran. I was only ten 'Chaela!"

Pulling her now sobbing husband into her arms, she knew that this was all she could do for him, at least until he finished his story, which she knew he hadn't as he hadn't even touched on the Cheyenne or Abigail.

Noting that his breathing was returning to something akin to normal, and that he was beginning to pull back, Michaela lessened her hold on his shoulders and allowed him to gather his thoughts in order to continue if that was what he wished. Needing to actually see if he was able to say any more tonight, Michaela brushed the last remnants of tears from Sully's cheeks and said, "Ssh it's alright now, it's in the past. Do you want to say anything else? I understand your life has been so full of pain Sully, I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to stop now."

Grateful for his wife's perceptiveness Sully shook his head and said, "Michaela what would I do without ya. I'll just get a drink, okay?" Nodding in acknowledgement, Michaela settled back against the chair to await the quick return of her husband.

Using the time that Sully was absent to think about what had already transpired this evening, Michaela began to realise that her perception of Sully was beginning to change, and change for the better. She had always thought of him as an immensely proud, private man, and that fact hadn't diminished at all. In Michaela's mind, the only thing that had changed was that now she knew about Sully's childhood, she felt even more in love with him, and even more proud of him. She had in her early doctoral years, had experience of caring for children, who would have had a similar early life to Sully. They had all had very rough starts to their lives, but had not had the foresight to utilise their upbringing and change their future. Sully had, and in Michaela's eyes this fact alone made him twice the man that these children had grown into.

Hearing her husband ascend the stairs, Michaela hastily wiped the tears from her eyes and mentally prepared herself for what she knew was going to be a very emotional end to their talk.

Sully quickly and quietly re-entered their bedroom and once again took up his place by the fire, stoking it as he settled down. Handing Michaela her cup, and taking a small sip, he glanced up at her to ensure that she was still willing and interested in what he was about to say. Not really doubting it, but needing to make sure, as he really didn't enjoy talking about himself. Noting that Michaela was settled and warm enough he continued, "Well, after I met up with Daniel, and went mining, I moved out here. Not a lot happened in that time until I met Abby. Ya know a bit 'bout our life, so I guess ya can work out it was pretty tough. Don't get me wrong I loved her and all, but it ain't like us. We were just young I suppose, like you and David I guess. Loren sure weren't happy that's fer sure." Taking another slurp of his tea, Sully prepared himself for the re-telling of yet another tragedy in his life. Michaela for her part knew what was coming and was also preparing herself for Sully's revelation.

"It weren't long after we were married when Abby got pregnant. She was real happy, and Maude was pretty pleased too, but Loren was still fuming with both of us." Realising that he hadn't actually said how he felt upon hearing the news, and needing to find out in case she became pregnant, Michaela asked quietly, "How did you feel Sully? Did you want the baby?"

Reaching for her hand, and knowing the real reason behind her question Sully hastily sought to allay her fears and misapprehension by saying, "'Chaela, there ain't no doubt that us having a baby would make me the happiest man around. But I just weren't ready then. Sure I wanted a family, but later. Do ya understand?" Seeing the nod and gentle squeeze of his hand as a response, Sully, needing to get this over with continued quietly, "Abby had a rough time and ya know that it didn't go as planned when Hanna was born. There just weren't no way ta save 'em. You weren't 'ere."

Touched by the exceptional trust that Sully had in her abilities, and the sense of profound loss that he had felt then and now, Michaela brought him to her and whispered, while comforting him, "I would have done everything I could to have saved them Sully, believe me, I would never have let them die." Knowing the truth behind her words, and suddenly feeling a small degree of peace descend upon him, Sully murmured, "I know ya would, I know." Feeling calmer now, Sully pulled back to complete his story.

"Ya know even when Abby was carrying Hanna, I never gave up on her, I loved her through everythin just like my Ma, but neither gave me back any love. After Abby and Hanna died I joined up, ya know that story, then Cloud Dancing saved me from myself, and taught me how to love again. I was pretty messed up, blamed myself fer everythin'. If a comet crashed into Earth I would have said I did it. I almost left ya know, just walked out of the village in the middle of a snowstorm. Wolf found me, and Cloud Dancing taught me the value of life, and told me that I had been sent to him and Snowbird. I thought, yeah right, but I reckoned he was pretty sure of himself, so I stayed. Pretty glad I did, as he was right 'bout love. It sure did come when I weren't expecting it."

"I guess I stayed with the village pretty much until ya came. Must have been nearly ten years. Black Kettle gave me a Cheyenne Name, Aenohe Ôhno'kaestse, Lone Hawk. When Cloud Dancing and Black Kettle found me with Wolf, there was a solitary Hawk circling ahead. Cloud Dancing said that it was showing them the way. Cloud Dancing told me that Hawks mate for life; I was lost on my own. It took a while but this Hawk found a mate."

Moved beyond words with the gratitude that she felt for Sully's second family, Michaela just said, "I'll have to thank him when I next see him. This Hawk found its mate as well. We're going to be together forever Sully, I love you."

Bringing her hand to his lips for a gentle kiss Sully said, "I love ya too, do ya see now that it don't matter who knows that so long as we do. There aren't any rules fer loving, just trust that's all. We trust each other, and I don't mean ta disrespect ya in town or nothin', but 'ere at home, there ain't no reason the kids can't see us snugglin'" leaving the last statement in the air, Sully reached over and pulled Michaela onto his lap, where he preceded to gently coerce and encourage, hoping that she would be able to pick up the hints.

Noting that Michaela did appear to be relaxing more easily in the more intimate hold that Sully now had on her, he slowly moved himself into a kneeling position, and from there, with Michaela safely nestled in his strong arms, he moved them over towards the bed. Hoping to follow through on the practical side of their discussion, and find that place where they would both become quickly satisfied, Sully was delighted at the response that came from his new wife.

All too soon though a very tired and happy couple lay sated after their lovemaking. Before they became too drowsy, both spoke in unison, voicing their thanks for the sharing that had taken place. Sully knew that there was still a long way to go with this side of the marriage, but he was relieved that he had managed to try and allay some of Michaela's fears, and in turn his own. There was no doubt in his mind that the Spirits really had been looking down on him the day they sent Michaela into his life. Feeling sleep pulling at him, Sully gently kissed Michaela's head, and pulled her securely into his loving embrace, soon joining her in the world of dreams.

The dawn birds stretching their voices, as the greeted another glorious summer's day woke Sully. Turning slightly so he could spend a few undisturbed minutes looking at his beautiful wife, Sully was once more reminded of the fragility that is his life. He had nearly lost Michaela on more than one occasion, but now thanks once again to the mercy of the Spirits they were together in every sense of the word. However acknowledging that there was one thing missing from the total peace that he felt, that of his brother Cloud Dancing, Sully vowed to locate him today, and try and to find a way for him to have a home and peace as well, even if it was at the Reservation.

Slowly easing himself out of the warmth that was his bed, Sully quickly dressed and ensured that the blanket was tucked around his still sleeping, naked wife. Pleased that everything was set, he left the bedroom, quietly descended the stairs, and grabbing an apple crept out of the house. Hoping to be away before Michaela arose, he hastily went to the stables to bridle up Comet, however just as he was about to mount he caught sight of Michaela running across the front yard.

Disappointed that his plan hadn't worked, after all the only thing that he had wanted to achieve was giving Michaela a lie in, or was it? However, Sully just dismissed these thoughts and carried on as he was, and mounted up with one jump. As soon as he had explained where he was going, he sensed a profound disappointment enter Michaela's voice and seeing the equal disappointment etched on his wife's face, Sully hesitated for a mere second, but then nudged Comet into a steady canter, with Wolf following along beside him. As he reached the bend in the road that would take him into the woods, Sully halted briefly, and turned to see Michaela standing exactly where he had left her. Briefly wondering what had actually transpired, Sully was reminded of his thoughts from last night, before they retired upstairs. He had subconsciously, by leaving Michaela as he had, undermined a great deal of what they had talked about last night. Yes the subject of last night had been about love, and the sharing of that, however it had also inadvertently involved discussions on trust and communication. This was now something that Sully had thrown in the dirt. Cursing his own stupidity, but now too proud to return in order to rectify it, Sully just murmured to himself that he would sort it out later, and once again set off towards Cloud Dancing. Hoping that his brother may be able to offer some words of wisdom, as well as find a place to call home.

The End.