HUGE THANKS TO MY CO-AUTHOR Lone Wolf O'Neill. Please leave a comment or review. I plan to update this list as thoughts come to me.
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Jim leans back in his chair staring out the small window of his private office. A smile creeps onto the edges of his mouth as he thinks about the all the things he has had to veto this week. "And they all me reckless, brash, and impulsive," Jim says taking a sip of his coffee.
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BONES
1. No Bones I won't submit to a stress test just because you're bored.
2. No Bones you can't administer secret doses of serotonin and oxytocin to make Spock happy and more loveable.
3. No Bones you can't send Spock to a therapist to confirm he is out of his Vulcan mind.
4. Bones I have to draw the line somewhere. No, Romulan Ale cannot be allowed on board disguised as a home remedy.
5. Bones the Vulcan nerve pinch can't be considered first-degree assault...and it is not attempted murder either.
6. No Bones, Spock is not a surgically altered Klingon spy because he doesn't know the words to Row Row Row Your Boat.
7. No, Bones hypos do not fix everything.
8. No Bones I do not have Cupid following me around.
9. No, Bones, I do not need to see your Star Fleet transcripts to realize you are not a mechanic, plumber, electrician or anything else. I know you are only a doctor.
10. No, we are not secretly playing Queen's Another One Bites The Dust as the official away team song. We are peaceful explorers. We don't steal from natives, look for gun battles, or try to get hurt as a mission goal. These things just tend to happen, Bones you know that.
11. No, Bones you can't tranquilize Jack just because his team won the Stanley cup.
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SULU
1. No Mr. Sulu we are not going to have a talk and dress like a pirate day.
2. No Mr. Sulu we are not going to fly a skull and crossbones in space. That also goes for when we enter ports.
3. Mr. Sulu…Mr. Scott, are you both seriously trying to re-open rocket chair under the guise of increasing office efficiency? ... No!
4. No, Mr. Sulu a foam party is not the ideal eighteenth birthday event for Chekov.
5. No Mr. Sulu we are not having ficus trees placed on the Bridge
6. No Mr. Sulu we are not instituting the Miss Enterprise Pageant as a yearly event with you and Scotty as judges. Besides, you need three judges and I have to appear to be non-biased. No, you can't use Chekov as the third judge...or Dawson...or Jack...or anyone else for that matter.
7. No Mr. Sulu we are not going to play the Alvin and the Chipmunks version of I like to Move it Move it in the turbo so that people don't hit stop and hold it up between floors.
8. No Mr. Sulu you can't call yourself Captain Hikaru Sulu of the USS Enterprise each time you take the conn.
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UHURA
1. No, Uhura the comm system is not a jute box. We will not play 9 to 5, Bang on the Drum, or Take this Job and Shove It at the start of each shift.
2. No, Uhura I cannot institute Klingon Mondays so the everyone learns the language…That also goes for Romulan Thursdays.
3. No, Uhura I can't order anyone interested in dating Chekov to be interviewed by you first.
3. No, Uhura we can't just shoot the natives. We need a diversion so get in that bird suit and start singing. We need a diversion.
4. No Uhura, not every away mission we send you on is for a sexual distraction.
5. No Uhura you have to speak to Starfleet and explain why iTunes want to give you a record deal.
6. No Uhura I can guarantee that Scotty is not referring to you, Carol Marcus, or Janice Rand when he uses the word ample nacelles.
7. Seriously, I just vetoed the Miss Enterprise Pageant so why would I agree to the Mr. Enterprise Pageant. Besides you know, I would win anyways.
8. Uhura did you talk to Bones about this because I am sure Spock does not suffer from Seasonal Affect Disorder making his moody and emotionless. Rest assured he is not reptilian so was are not making a pit stop at Risa so he can lay in the sun and get glad again. Spock is never glad, or sad, or anything else. He is Vulcan. Sticking him on the beach for 8 hours of heliotherapy will not improve his emotional well-being. It will only make him bitch about the illogical nature of humans needing to increase their risk of skin cancer and dehydration from lying on a beach and copious amounts of alcohol from little coolers. He also hates sand. You know that, although I do find it weird since he grew up on a desert planet. Therefore, the bottom line is no pit stop unless you are in a bikini.
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CHEKOV
1. No, Mr. Chekov, McCoy can't alter your birthday so you can go bar hopping on Risa. Have you been talking to Uhura?
2. No, Mr. Chekov, the Russians didn't invent beer.
3. No Mr. Chekov, Scotch was not invented by a little old lady from Leningrad when she ran out of vodka.
4. No, you can't put a homing beacon in Jack's remote and beam it to random locations on the ship whenever he sits down to watch a hockey game or the newest episode of the Simpsons. Not even if you give him clues. And transporting his remote is not another form of Hide and Seek no matter what his kids tell you
5. No, Mr. Chekov Quadro triticale was not invented in Russia.
6. No, Mr. Chekov...Yeoman Rand can't be your personal assistant on the graveyard shift.
7. No, you cannot swap out real guns for water guns the next time Jack holds a war games exercise.
8. No Mr. Chekov, we cannot make a sign-up sheet for the observation lounge or make it 17 or older access only. What do you mean the kids place a closed for repair sign on the door? Okay no sign-up sheet but I want the locks dismantled on the doors to the observation lounge.
9. No , I am not petitioning Papa John's for free lifetime pizzas for the Enterprise because they won't deliver when we are in orbit. I don't think when they say on the commercial ANYTIME ANYPLACE it is false advertising.
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SPOCK
1. No, Spock you can't out logic yourself and no I won't be the referee. Get Bones.
2. No, Spock you can't run a DNA analysis on my Senior officers looking for the crazy gene.
3. No, Spock, Bones did not get his medical license out of the newspaper. We were all at the Academy together. You know that.
4. No Spock, we can't put the kids into stasis until they mature.
5. No, Spock the ship's real name is not the USS Crazytown.
6. No Spock humans do not take psychology to make themselves more illogical.
7. No, Spock you cannot replace my senior staff with Vulcans.
8. No, Spock, Samantha O'Neill is not a surgically altered Vulcan who was kidnapped at birth.
9. No, Spock, the freedom of speech does not mean you can tell McCoy he is illogical every time he opens his mouth.
10. No, Spock you do not have to act like you feel bad when you don't even though McCoy says you should.
11. No, Spock I am not ordering Uhura to inform the Senior staff that she is PMSing and needs to be avoided at all costs. For being logical, that is the most stupid thing I have ever heard you say. No wonder she just asked me to transfer you to the deepest, darkest, whole in the universe. If I were you I would get flowers and claim your half human side made you lose your mind.
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SCOTTY
1. No, Mr. Scott we aren't going put a bar closer to the engine room.
2. No Scotty we don't need racing stripes.
3. Scotty again no bar next to engineering.
4. Mr. Scott we do not taunt other ships into a space race.
5. Scotty will you stop saying ample nacelles. Rand, Uhura, and Marcus are starting to notice.
6. No, Mr. Scott, no one actually understands what you mean when you call them a bloody cheeky bastard.
7. No Scotty you can't do whatever it is you said to the warp drive.
8. Scotty you cannot start a fight because someone calls the Enterprise a garbage scowl.
9. No Scotty we can't call haggis meatloaf surprise.
10. Stop over-exaggerating your explanations. Just say it in English. You don't need to say it going to be like hitting a balloon, with a blowgun, whilst backwards using a mirror to see, as you are skydiving. Just say it is difficult and then do it.
11. No Scotty we cannot turn one of the water holding tanks into the largest Jacuzzi ever to increase moral or get in the Guinness Book of World Records.
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JACK O'NEILL
1. No, Jack, you can't ride your bike in the halls.
2. No, Jack, you can't watch the game on the view screen. I don't care if it's the biggest screen on the ship.
3. No, Jack, you can't replicate spider pig. We have four dogs and two cats. We are not a floating pet store.
4. No, Jack, you can't wear magnetic boots and use the hull of the Enterprise as a driving range.
5. No, Jack we are not putting a bumper sticker on the Enterprise saying My big honkin' space guns are better than yours.
6. No, Jack not liking the Simpsons does not mean you get to shoot them.
7. No, Jack we are not filling the pool once a year for an annual bass fishing tournament to increase morale.
8. No, Jack, we cannot refer to Vulcans as ears, Romulans as eyebrows, Andorians as snails, and Klingons as Shar Pei's in a treaties, staff meeting, or any reception.
9. No, Jack, you can't change Spock's detergent to Perfume au dog bone.
10. No, Jack, you can't interrogate the crew on who stole your hat. (Waits until he leaves then comms Scotty. "Scotty hide the hat, Jack is on his way!)
11. No Jack, casual Friday does not mean dressing up as MacGyver.
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KIDS... (See footnote below)
1. No, you six can't beam down to the amusement park on Beta Centaurs 8 alone while I handle the trade negotiations.
2. Are you insane? No, you cannot use U Deck's halls as a slip and slide and call it mopping.
3. No boys you can't use the main view screen to play Call of Duty: Modern Warfare Fleet Battles.
4. I don't care if I am your father or not. You three cannot wear those shorts even out of my office. They violate every code in the book and you will be arrested for indecent exposure. Oh my god no, no, no, especially no, if the boys are coming.
5. No, we cannot flood the ready room during the next staff meeting with helium to hear Spock, Scotty, and Chekov talk like the munchkins from the Wizard of Oz.
6. No Kate, a lightsaber is not an ideal Christmas gift for Sulu.
7. No Kate, you can't cut the top off any car with a chainsaw and buy a kit to turn it a convertible.
8. No Kate, I can't just beam up Flo' Rida because you only want a quick autograph and picture. That is called kidnapping.
9. No, Kate tribbles are not the ideal pet.
10. No Kate, your birthday doesn't give you a free pass to reprogramming the replicators for coffee instead of OJ. That was not cool.
11. No, John you can't play roller blade hockey in the halls.
12. No, John you can't make a Christmas card saying I kicked Kirk's butt and stole his chair.
13. No, John, Take Your Kid to Work Day does not mean I am going to let Kate fly the Enterprise. How dumb do you think I am?
14. No John, you can't miss school on account it's the captains birthday!
15. No Ronin your birthday doesn't count as a holiday either!
16. No Ronin paintball is not considered a form of artistic expression on walls, personnel, or otherwise.
17. No Ronin you can't play tag with the training phasers to show who is cheating.
18. No Ronin you can't put on scuba gear and use the water filtration system as a water slide.
19. No Cameron I am not letting you copy the ship's core memory so you can make a cyborg.
20. No Cameron you can't turn the conference room into a hockey rink. I don't care if the girls want to build a snowman!
21. No Cam, you can't change the lights in the halls to black for Halloween.
22. No Cameron you can't try to hit a bullet with a smaller bullet whilst wearing a blindfold, riding a horse for your school physics project even if you father says it is possible.
23. No Jo, I won't submit to a stress test just because you're bored and tell your father it is a cheap shot to use kids to do his dirty work.
24. No Jo we are not going organic and having free-range chickens on the Enterprise no matter HOW healthy it may be.
25. Bones, Jo NO! The two of you can't celebrate the invention of the by mandatory injections for the crew.
26. No Jo I am fine. I don't have the Andorian flu.
27. No Erika we don't need plants in the halls.
28. No Erika, you can't transplant an oak tree on the Enterprise. We don't need a shade tree in space.
29. No Erika the hall are fine without flowers painted on them.
30. No Erika we can't fly upside down and wave at the Vulcans. They think we are illogical already
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FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT HAVE NOT FOLLOWED MY STORIES THE KIDS ARE THE CHILDREN OF THE SENIOR STAFF ON THE ENTERPRISE. THEY ARE AS FOLLOWS: Kate Kirk, John O'Neill, Ronin O'Neill, Cameron Scott, Joanna McCoy, Erika Sulu.