Disclaimer: I own neither Saw nor our dear Lawrence and Adam. Leigh and James made 'em. Leigh and James can keep 'em… I guess. Also, I do not own the song, Do You Like It, and it rightfully belongs in the hands of the band. I have just twisted it for my own creative uses. Muhaha.
A/N: Well, another week and a half (or so) another new story. Not a new chapter to one of my existing, I'm afraid, but I was in the mood to make things a little different. Volia: oneshot songfic! Anyway, I am working on the newest chapter of TLOA which should be up sometime this week. This little ditty right here is written in Adam's POV… and may be slightly ooc. Meh, I'm over it. It's a little different then my other stories, as Lawrence is the...well…he's the bad guy, in laminas terms. Yes, well… we can't all be heroes all the time, can we? Anyway, this turned out VERY angst-y. Just the way I like it! Enjoy guys!
Song: Do You Like It – Our Lady Peace (Amazing band)
I
crawled out from the pain of yesterday
I crawled to you and I said
all the things that you said to say.
Have I said enough?
Do you like it?
He's the only one who has the faintest idea what I went through, what I am still going through. No one else can even come close to understanding the amount of pain that lives in my heart and stalks me with no mercy each and every day. He's the man I love. He's the one I want to be with, and yet I'm not enough for him. He has made that very clear to me. I have given him my heart willingly. After escaping that wretched fucking bathroom, all I could ever see myself doing was spending my life with him. I knew he would be the only one able to get me. Call it crazy, but I assumed he thought the same way. He did at first I guess, but then reality kicked in. He already had a family, a job, a life. I guess I didn't really fit into it. I told him what he wanted to hear, I proclaimed my shameful love, but I'm still here where I have always been.
I know
why you're playing' these dirty games.
They're killing me, and I
know how you love to watch me beg.
Well, here I am.
Do you like it?
Each of us has our dirty habits, those pieces of ourselves that we can't let go of no matter how hard we try. Mine are generally more obvious then most: I can't go two seconds without offering a sarcastic comment, and I smoke like a fucking chimney. One that most don't know about me: I am a sucker for love. Once I have fallen for you, I am in it till the end. No matter what. It has been an illness I have suffered from in the past, but now it is more evident then ever. My heart is like an open store, and you can waltz right in whenever he feels like it and take what you want. My price is cheap, a hug here a kiss there, maybe a half-hearted 'I love you' every so often. It's not a huge thing to pay for my soul.
There are times when I am with you that I feel like I am on the top of the world, but then there are the abysmal lows that always seem to follow. One moment I am lost in a blissful world of happiness, my head laying on you bare chest and your strong hands brushing their way through strands of my chocolate hair. But the next day, we are back to where we began and I am a voyeur out in your hall, listening to your sighs of pleasure mixed with Allison's coos. You make me wait while you are with her. Does she even know about me? Does she know what he husband does in her spare time? It feels as though I haven't escaped Jigsaw's game yet, the players have just switched. I am your pawn now. You're still fucking toying with me and I am too weak to walk away. Or maybe I am just too afraid of being alone.
I don't
wanna be a puppet for you.
Don't wanna bite the hand that's
feeding.
I don't wanna be a sucker for you.
Oh yes, you.
Maybe I just feel like I owe you something. You have saved my life in more then one way. You made me feel whole again. Honestly, I think that is what I love most about you: The fact that you can make me feel. True, most of those feeling are anger, hurt, pain and heartache, but they are better then nothing. They are better then what I had before. The few joyous moments that I get to spend with you shadow the rest of my life and make it seem unimportant. Does Jigsaw think he has fixed me, because I think it's pretty obvious that I have never been so fucked up before. Do you even remember what you said to me the day we got out of there? You made a fucking promise. I was going to be alright. Does this look alright to you?
Two weeks ago you cupped my chin and brought your lips to my worried face. You told me it was okay to be scared. I surrendered my everything to you and as you glided your skin against mine and whispered in my ear sweet nothings, I found myself believing you. Now all of that is just small spurts of memory that surface up whenever I am trying to forget you. Your mouth upon my chest, your tongue running over my bottom lip, a lustful moan raining over me. Oh God, do you even realize what you're doing to me? Do you realize what you have?
It's
too little too late.
Well I can't escape.
So beggin' you
please.
I changed all the things that you told me to change.
I'm
on my knees.
Do you like it?
I can feel an ongoing weight upon my chest, a cage over my will. You have me in your grasp and I don't think I will ever be able to get free. After all we have been through, all that I have suffered at your hand, I am willing to let you continue to control me. Use me. Make me yours. If I could do anything, or be anyone, I would be yours. I surrender myself to you. You have my heart, and it is yours to hold, to carry, to break into little pieces and shatter over your life. I don't care. The only thing I ask is that you keep it.
It's funny, because I know that you would never allow yourself to be rid of me. You would never relinquish control. That's just the type of person you are. And the most pathetic thing is, I know you know. I know that you have realized the control you have over me, the power. But you are like a fucking drug I can never be rid of. I am a fucking junkie, I admit it. I need you… but you need me too. I can see it in your eyes. Lingering with all of the despair and secrets, a tiny piece of you needs me. Maybe you don't want me, but your body won't let you leave me alone. It's craving. I know the feeling.
I hate
myself for begging.
I hate myself for staying.
I hate myself
for listening to you.
I can hear your voice ringing in my head. It reminds me of all the things I hate about myself. It reminds me how fucking pathetic and useless I am. And somehow, it reminds me that I have a place in this world. A pillow to rest my head on at night, a pair of lips to release my feelings into and a man to tell I love. I know I'm not your everything, but just the fact that I am your something makes everything worth it. It makes me stand the constant torture you put me through. At least, that is what the voice inside my head keeps telling me. That little voice that has so much control over me. Those blue eyes that see right through my tough exterior and into my soul, no matter how hard I try to hide. You always find your way through. It's something I love about you. One of the many, many things.
I just
wanna get out,
Stuck inside of this.
Waiting for something
else,
Waiting to exist.
Can you offer me help?
Help from
what I missed.
Can you do it, Lawrence? Can you peel back your games, shut of every reason that your brain is telling you, everything that feels so wrong and love me? Not just for a day, for the rest of our lives. You told me you could. You told me you would. Fuck, you told me a lot of things… and now I am just waiting. Waiting here for you. You told me once that you would fix me, you would help. You would take away all of the things I was afraid of, everything that made me cower in shame and fear. Well then Lawrence, can you fix yourself? Can you make yourself whole for me… with me? Only time will tell.
A/N #2: See, I told you… angst. Well, I'm sure this isn't the best thing out there (I wrote it while downloading songs for a school project, some at 5:30 in the morning) but.. I like it. I'm thinking… you should click that sweet little button bellow and review review review!! Thank you, my loves!