Warning: complete and utter crack!
P.E.R.V.E.R.T.S.
(People Encouraging Ravishing Voluptuousness and Entertaining Research of Tasty Subjects)
This fanfic is brought to you by the geniuses that brought you 'Fishie Scuba GearTM: Now they can breathe underwater!'
The wind whistled through the trees of a dark forest on the outskirts of Rukongai. Dark figures were gathering at the forests edge, and only when all thirty members turned up did the leader remove his black cloak and reveal his identity.
"Fellow pervs, peepers, gropers, feelers and overall naughty boys," he cried, a tall man with white hair and a telescope. "Welcome to tonight's P.E.R.V.E.R.T.S. meeting. To those of you who are new I will introduce the Inner Circle of Perverts," he said, gesturing to a row of men all of whom had twitchy hands. "My name is Jiraiya, one of the great Sannin, ultimate super pervert and Leader of P.E.R.V.E.R.T.S.," The old man proclaimed, waving his hands through the air.
"This is the Fukutaichou of P.E.R.V.E.R.T.S., Nanashi." A longhaired young man next to Jiraiya swept his hair out of the way and gave everybody a pervy grin.
"Miroku, our ultimate strategist for removing clothes."
"I live to help others," cried a young monk with an incredibly twitchy hand.
"Phantom Dark, our No1. Women scouter." An incredibly handsome man with large black wings smiled at everyone in a very mischievous way.
"Our top infiltrators, Shigure and Hatsuharu." A man at the back gave a very cheery wave to everybody, while his partner, a boy in his mid-teens with white hair with some black at the back, simply looked on, looking very bored.
"Our best lady killer, in more ways than one, Byakuya."
"That's Kuchiki-sama to you," corrected a very well groomed man that no one who knew him would believe he was attending a perverts meeting.
"Our sensei in seduction Kakashi."
"Thank you very much Jiraiya-sama," said a masked man in the back.
"And of course our biggest supplier of awesome photos, Isshin."
"Anyone wanting my new package, containing Yuzu in the bath, Karin getting dressed and up the skirts of Karin and Yuzu, see me after the meeting," cried a man holding a long volume of porn.
"I would also like to take the time to introduce our three newest members, Kakeru, Ebisu and Sanji." Everyone clapped politely as the new members took their seats in the crowd.
"And finally before we start our plans, I would like to announce our 3 closet perverts of tomorrow for the month. First we have Neji Hyuuga, who uses his Byakugan to look through walls and over great distances at women."
"I call it 8 Trigrams, 64 Twitching Palms," said the young boy suddenly, with a dreamy expression.
"Of course you do. And now pervert 2 Gaara, who uses his third eye ability to spy from anywhere." Excited murmurs were going through the crowd while looking at a young boy with a giant gourd on his back.
"And lastly, the tainted twins, Hitsugaya and Momiji, who specialise in acting the role of lost, orphan boys, and you all, know how much the ladies love hugging cute little kids." Excited cheering erupted through the crowd, as a white haired boy in a white haori and a blonde boy wearing a school uniform, walked up to the table at the front and did an impression of two lost, lovable little boys.
"Now that everything has been taken care of," said Jiraiya, a sudden silence settling on the crowd, "we will begin plans for the capture and seduction of the Goddess of Perverted Fantasies, Matsumoto Rangiku." He turned and began drooling over a huge picture of a beautiful woman with strawberry blonde hair and the biggest pair of jugs any of them had ever laid eyes on, and they all soon found themselves joining him in his drooling. "Now, my perverted brothers, here is the plan."
x
Miroku bounced along the rooftops, while Dark flew above him, with Momiji on his back. "How come we don't get to do the actual capture mission?" grumbled Miroku, running along the rooftops at breakneck pace.
"Yeah, how come we have to be the ones to put everybody to sleep?" agreed Dark.
"Because Twitchyhand has his Sutras and Purplehead can use his weird feather charms, and they sent me along so that you two wouldn't get distracted by giiiirrlss," said Momiji, all in one breath with much emphasis and stretching on the last word.
Suddenly, Miroku stopped and ran to a window and started making strange sounds. Dark looked through the window and saw that he was looking at what looked like a whole bunch of Shinigami women having a meeting, many of them quite pretty, and with all the right curves in all the right places.
Miroku started laughing very perverted and Dark spoke up. "Ok Miroku, you know that we can't let things distraaaa… oooooh, I like that chick, she is so hot, and she knows how to dress," Dark said as his eyes gazed at a shy woman at the back of the room with deep purple hair, a fairly big rack and an incredibly short skirt that barely covered her waist.
"I've got that one", whispered Miroku, pointing at a quiet silver haired woman with large breasts and a certain way that she shook her hips that reminded him of his dear Sango.
"Oh no," whispered Dark, fearfully.
"What is it?" said Miroku without taking his eyes off the back of the woman. Then he realised that Momiji wasn't with them. He looked around, and gasped as he saw Momiji dressed as a Shinigami, enter the room full of women, a sad face in place of his usual never-ending happiness. He said a few words to the women and then their mouths dropped as all the women hugged Momiji to their enormous chests, exclaiming at how cute he was and asking the president of their committee if they could keep him. The other two looked on, telling themselves to remember to ask Momiji for lessons.
x
Elsewhere Jiraiya, Nanashi, Kakashi and some of the lesser-known perverts had disguised themselves as Shinigami, with Byakuya at the front, telling anyone who asked that they were part of his squad heading for training with 10th squad. Their group was to meet with Hitsugaya's group where they would capture Matsumoto.
So far, under their facade, they had informed Kurotsuchi-taichou of a large farm of test subjects in the real world, asked Soi Fon if the rag smelt like chloroform and threatened to neuter Komamura. They had also gotten word from Isshin that his group had successfully drunk Kyouraku under the table, told Zaraki that Unohana-taichou said his hair looked like an electrocuted hamster and said to Yamamoto-soutaichou that Ukitake-taichou was rumoured to be on his deathbed, conveniently set up by Hatsuharu claiming that the fish he had given Ukitake wasn't off, it was meant to be green. That covered the other 8 taichou of Sereitei.
Meanwhile, Shigure had given orders from Byakuya to close the Senkei Gate so that Kurotsuchi couldn't get back in. It had also been set up so that Zaraki, Unohana, Komamura, Kyouraku and Soi Fon were also on the other side of the gate when it was closed.
x
"Okay, be careful guys," whispered Hitsugaya, as his group moved closer to the hall where the fukutaichou meeting was taking place. From what they could hear, all of them were talking about Ukitake's condition.
"It's so horrible that Ukitake-taichou is dying," whispered a tearful Hinamori, as she sobbed into a very pleased looking Kira's shoulder.
"It is quite terrible to happen, especially for his squad," said Hisagi, his head bowed in sorrow.
"Hey, guys," called Iba, from the door.
"Yes, Iba?" said Renji as he walked towards Iba, to find out what his problem was now.
"Well, I don't know who, but someone has used a barrier to seal us in," said Iba.
"WHAT!" exploded Renji, running towards Iba, brandishing his zanpakutou above his head. The others were now charging towards the door, each releasing their respective zanpakutou.
The tiny room was now filled with the cries of the vice captains as they in turn tried to break down the barrier while Hitsugaya walked away from the room, a grin of satisfaction playing on his lips. "8 taichou out of the way, two on our side and twelve fukutaichou locked up," Hitsugaya thought. "I call this a good day."
x
As Hitsugaya's pervy platoon met up with Byakuya's twitchy team and Miroku's sleazy squad, who had been put in charge of putting the other high ranking officers to sleep, they continued on towards the 10th squad office.
"Oh no," said Nanashi, slapping his hand to his head. "I forgot about a way to immobilise the soutaichou, after he finds out that Ukitake isn't on his deathbed."
"Don't worry, I gave him fish too," said Hatsuharu, with his hand waving in the air as though it was no big deal to get rid of the most powerful Shinigami in all of Soul Society.
"Geez, this kid is even craftier than Nanashi and Miroku put together," thought Jiraiya, sweatdropping.
Suddenly about 50 Shinigami appeared on three different sides of the street. "Show no mercy boys, or I'll kill you myself," screeched a bald man, brandishing a naginata zanpakutou and wearing a symbol on his arm that indicated that he was a 3rd seat.
"Yes, Ikkaku-san!" boomed the men.
"Okay, I'll take that fifty, Nanashi will take that fifty and Miroku, you take that fifty," said Jiraiya, pointing to each crowd they were to fight. "Kakashi, can you take Cue Ball?"
"No problem," answered Kakashi, unsheathing a kunai from his belt.
"Kuchiyose no Jutsu," shouted Jiraiya, cutting his hand and forming some hand signs, finishing by slamming his bloody hand onto the ground. The result caused a toad, roughly the size of 4 people, to appear on the ground. The toad immediately started to attack the men, while Jiraiya jumped into the crowd and started smashing them into walls.
"Okay, let's see if I can beat that," said Miroku, as he threw some sutras into the crowd and took off the beads on his right hand. The sutras made a barrier around fifty of the men, and then he jumped into the crowd. "Wind Tunnel!" cried Miroku, unfolding his right hand, causing a black hole in the hand to suck all of their energy from his opponents, making them to collapse and black out.
"Nice, but can you do this?" said Nanashi, emerging from the crowd, carrying a lance shaped like a griffin. "Electric Eye!" yelled Nanashi. A bolt of lightning sprang forth from his hands, raining down on the unfortunate men.
Meanwhile, Kakashi was standing without a scratch while Ikkaku was bloody and beaten up. "It's not over, ryoka," panted Ikkaku, struggling to stand.
"Now it is," answered Kakashi, suddenly appearing behind Ikkaku. "Thousand Years of Death!" cried Kakashi, shoving a kunai up Ikkaku's rear.
"IIIIITTTTEEEE!" yelled Ikkaku, soaring through the air all the way to the other side of Soul Society.
x
The team was now in the possession of a drunken Matsumoto and were heading home. They were on the border of Seireitei when suddenly…
"Ero-sannin!" whined Naruto. "Train me!"
Jiraiya looked up from his writing, surprised to see that the whingy blonde had made it through his seven-layered security system specifically designed to keep him out.
"Okay, okay, as long as you promise to leave me alone," Jiraiya grumbled.
"Yay! Training, training, training!" Naruto cried, jumping about in excitement before leaving the room at a dead run.
Jiraiya sighed. "I'll finish this tomorrow." And with that, he put the new manuscript for Icha Icha Kidnap down and went to beat the hell out of his annoyingly hyperactive student.
As I said, complete and utter CRACK! Beware the lawn ninjas. HAHAHAHA!