What does it feel like?
Like a shark has just bitten off the tip of my finger. Like I've just rubbed my face against the back of a hedgehog. Like I've just sliced open my wrists with a blunt butter knife.
That bad huh?
You can say that again.
That bad huh?
Shut up and fetch me a plaster.
What does it feel like?
Like being hit at high speed by a lorry filled with cement. Like the empire state building has just been dropped down onto my shoulders. Like an elephant has just stepped on my head, slowly enough for me to feel my brain pop.
So it hurts.
Yeah. Yeah you could say that again.
It hurts.
My bone has snapped in two, you idiot. Of course it hurts.
What does it feel like?
Like a doctor has just jammed a toy fire engine up my arse, so far up that it's reached the apex of my lungs and I can't breathe. Like someone has just staked me with a toothpick. Like –
How do you even think of these analogies so quickly?
I hurt myself a lot.
This time it wasn't you're fault.
Of course not…What does it feel like for you?
I don't have a book of phrases to consult but…it feels as though someone scooped out my insides and then handed them back to me.
That's a good one, maybe I'll use it.
I hope you never have to.
What does it feel like?
Like nothing, Sammy.
What? No quick witted come back or painfully visual way of describing it to me?
It feels like…like nothing.
Like a black hole inside your heart? Like a trumpet being blown in your ear that you can never shut up?
Sam..
Like a bullet lodged in your chest that moves every time you breathe? Like a pit so black that you think you'll never see the sun again?
I haven't broken something, or cut myself open. I've – we've – lost someone, and that's the worst kind of feeling.
Because it makes you feel nothing?
Yeah. And feeling nothing hurts so much more.