Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars or any of these characters. All five boys are slightly out of character and this is a modern AU. Thank you for reading!
Pieces of a Whole
Poe-
I had always collected broken things. When I was a child it was toy dinosaurs missing limbs or baby birds separated too young from their mothers. In high school I always stood up for the bullied and ended up with a vast flock of fast friends that I still have to this day. And in college… in college I found my first lover. Finn was beautiful, full lips over bright white teeth with dark skin and dark hair to match. The first time I saw him smile in the club I think I almost came on the spot. It was impossible for me not to pursue him after that.
The fact that he had a boyfriend came as a heavy blow to me, but I swallowed my feelings and forged a friendship with him that we both came to rely on. As much as I loved Finn, it was obvious the more I got to know him that something wasn't right. He had shockingly little self esteem for someone as handsome and talented as he was. He flinched occasionally when someone reached towards him and he always wore covering clothing that seemed inappropriate for the weather. I had my suspicions naturally but I had nothing substantial enough to bring up to him. That was of course, until I ended up right smack dab in the middle of things.
I had barely known him three months when I walked in on his boyfriend hitting him. That was the last night it ever happened, I broke the boyfriend's collarbone and nose in the first two blows I landed on him and that was it. I took Finn out of there and to my house and we've been living together ever since. For a while we were happy with just he and I in a relationship. Finn was broken from his ex and it took a lot of work and one-on-one time to get him back into a mental state that could be considered healthy. But eventually we wanted more.
It was around that time that Hux stumbled into our lives. He was a gorgeous redhead that Finn met one day at the supermarket and started dating. We thought that it would be easier at the beginning to have him just get to know one of us and not bring up the fact that our open relationship was really geared towards finding our happily ever after in a polyamorous relationship. Lucky for us, Hux grew to like Finn quiet a bit and when Finn introduced him to me and asked him what he thought about the three of us going out, he liked that too. It wasn't until Hux passed out one day in the kitchen that we learned his skinny frame wasn't a natural occurrence like he'd lead us to believe.
The three of us worked with many rehab centers and psychiatrists to try to help Hux get past his obsessive compulsive work habits that led to him forgoing food and sleep for long periods of time. His disregard for his own health had serious consequences and had to be treated almost as an eating disorder but—despite his stubborn insistence throughout that he didn't have a problem, just a 'strong work ethic'—he did extremely well for a while. Then, for no apparent reason, he started to backslide. He got angry and bitter towards Finn and I and for a while we thought we were the issue; that he was unhappy with our unconventional relationship and with the two of us. We brought up breaking up but that just produced an even worse reaction from him, complete emotional withdrawal and the refusal to ingest anything but coffee. He ended up in the hospital within a week, insisting we best just let him be because if we didn't want to be with him anymore work was all he had and this was the fate he wanted. We were horrified to say the least. And then—out of the blue when we weren't even looking—along came Kylo.
I first caught sight of Kylo while posing undercover as a potential buyer in a narcotics bust. I rounded the corner into an alley to find him on his knees; looking up at the man whose cock he was earnestly sucking through his lashes. The image was so stunning I felt my own arousal swell immediately and had to quickly leave the alley before my problem became too obvious. I didn't make it quite fast enough—Kylo caught my eye and winked quickly before I moved out of his sight.
The second time I saw him was the night the bust was supposed to take place. My team and I were in place, me wired and everything. But then… I heard someone scream.
"Shut up!" Another voice hissed. "You failed your mission, this is your punishment. You will take my cock up your ass." The tone was aggressive and the other person could be heard yelping in pain and gasping throughout the whole thing.
"You're not fucking Snoke, you have no authority to punish me!" The voice protested desperately. "Get the fuck off of me!"
"Fine, don't shut up. I like it when they scream anyway."
Hearing a rape taking place so close to our police task force made me immediately jump to the person's rescue. My team was much less inclined to help. They didn't want to ruin our sting operation and honestly they didn't seem to give a shit if some lowlife was raped in the alley behind them. They were under the impression that working for people like that was asking for trouble and that anyone involved in the seedy dealings of the cities underworld deserved whatever they got. I, however, couldn't stand there and listen to that. I was in the alley before my team could stop me. I saw Kylo pressed up against the bricks, his face mashed into the wall at a painful angle and his pants around his knees. The other man had his dick in his hand, preparing to enter the raven-haired man in front of him. He was on the ground before he got the chance and I sent him on his way quickly. By the time I had finished with that Kylo was snapping the last button closed on his jeans and had blinked the tears out of his eyes.
"Phew." He joked, a wry smile tugging his lips up at the corners. "Men like that drive me up the wall." Even in that desperate of a situation I laughed at his pun.
I brought him up to Finn and Hux that same night, hesitantly describing the beautiful disaster of a man with his outrageously skimpy jeans and his tattered, ill-fitting black jacket. I told them that he seemed funny and smart and that he really, really needed some help. To my surprise, Hux was interested in helping him right away. He jumped on the opportunity to focus on someone else other than himself that he could really make a difference for, that he could be there for.
Looking back, I think that he was tired of being the fucked up one in our relationship. With Finn it had been different because he and I worked out his issues one-on-one and it was more of a mutual journey and a bonding effort than anything else. Hux wasn't so lucky. He had two lovers earnestly willing him to get healthy. We both tried to be gentle and understanding of course, but there were still two of us against one and after a while he couldn't help but feel resentful and slightly like it was his fault or a character flaw or something like that. After all, neither of his two lovers seemed to think OCD was unconquerable or suffer from it themselves.
Even if I didn't know exactly why Hux latched onto Kylo at the time, I wasn't too blind to see that Kylo saved Hux. From the very first time Hux saw him in person I swear I saw a light ignite in his eyes that neither Finn nor I had ever managed to put there. He loved him from the minute he saw him, knew that they were meant to be. And amazingly Kylo knew it too. I could tell immediately. They became inseparable the moment they met. Kylo came home with us that night and never left, moving into Hux's room and settling into our lives like he had been there from the very beginning. And for three wonderful years, everything was perfect. We had our issues of course but nothing that we couldn't handle. And we were happy. But nothing lasts forever.
Three years after Kylo completed us, four and a half years since Hux joined us, and a whopping eight years after I saw Finn in the club that night in college, Finn started pulling away from us. Pulling away from me. To say his distance killed me was an understatement, the thought of losing him shattered my entire world and kept me awake late into the night crying and shaking and beating myself up trying to find someway to fix the issue. As if trying to prevent a breakup isn't stressful enough in any circumstance, the fact that there were four of us involved didn't help. Imagine three people panicking over losing their lover, three people blaming themselves and trying just a little bit harder. Three people depressed and stressed to the breaking point all living together in the same house. Of course, on top of all that we had to maintain our other two relationships so that we didn't lose everything.
The stress worked on each of us differently. Hux stopped eating. He would forget it was lunchtime or consistently not be hungry for dinner. He started losing weight and Finn, Kylo, and I started panicking over it. It led to explosive fights between the four of us in which none of us would broach the real issue causing all of our stress and therefore this situation.
I developed insomnia. No matter what I did or what I took, I couldn't sleep for days on end. I would lay in bed for hours trying to fall asleep before I would be forced to untangle myself from my lovers and go for a 2am run or something like that. It made me irritable and clumsy. I snapped at my lovers (especially Hux over his refusal to eat) and knocked over more coffee mugs than I could count.
Finn withdrew more and more the higher the tension in the house grew. He knew what was causing it and he felt guilty but he obviously didn't know how to fix things. I could see the desire to in his eyes, matched by his guilt and helplessness. He took on a gaunt, haunted look and his eyes were dull and muddy, filled with the same trapped look that plagued them when he was stuck in his abusive relationship with Nines. He talked little and cried often, transforming from the confident, reliable, and strong man I knew into a mere shell of himself. It was the effect of everything on Kylo though, completely unexpected, that finally prompted me into action.
Throughout everything Kylo had been the strong one, our savior. It was a role that came out of left field for all of us I think. While Kylo was never as difficult or needy as Hux or as co-dependent as Finn and I, he was never the rock or the provider in our relationship either. Kylo loved to be bratty and push boundaries. He was happiest when the three of us paid him attention and indulged his theatrical personality and there was nothing that Finn and I loved more than to do that for him. So when everything started to fall apart and Kylo was the one there to hold us all together, it came as a shock at first. And yet; Kylo did an amazing job getting us all through things. He teased and joked and cuddled Hux day after day into eating, spending hours at a time some days to get him to clear even half his plate.
He would come and find me at night after they had all gone to bed, silently slipping on his running shoes and jogging with me just so I would have company. Or picking the lock into the bedroom I hid myself in and coming to hold me while I sobbed in the middle of the bed. He never said anything, just offered his silent companionship and support.
For Finn he made the biggest sacrifice of all, doing something none of the rest of us could. He constantly shoved away whatever he was feeling so well that he could act like everything was normal around Finn. He talked with him, laughed with him, hung out with him and made love to him like he was blind to Finn's aloofness and the fallout surrounding hid his pain so efficiently that none of us even realized exactly how much pain he was hiding, how much of a burden he was shouldering. And when I finally found out it was almost too late.
"Poe." Kylo's voice on the other end of the line was shaky and thin, something I couldn't recall ever hearing from him before. Immediately I knew something was wrong. I bolted up from my seat in the break room, reaching for my keys, fully expecting to hear that something was wrong with Hux.
"Kylo. What's wrong?" I demanded curtly.
"I…" There was a long pause and I was just about to ask again when his voice came through finally, thinner and smaller than before if possible. It sounded like he was crying. I covered the mouthpiece just long enough to inform my boss in no uncertain terms that I was leaving due to a personal emergency. "I did something stupid." I frowned, confused. Kylo was always doing something stupid, it was part of his personality. I wondered if perhaps he had said something truly cruel to Hux or Finn. Kylo would definitely think that was stupid enough to call.
"What did you do Ky?" I inquired gently as I started my car.
"Where are you Poe?" He asked, avoiding the question.
"Leaving the station. I'm coming home. What did you do babe?" My tone this time was firmer to show that I really wanted that answer.
"How long until you get here?" His voice was so shaky and childlike, so unlike him, that I felt panic lodge in my throat in a sticky, cold mass that was slightly hard to breathe around.
"Baby what did you do?" I urged, the panic making my tone sharper and higher. He was scaring me. "Where are Hux and Finn?" I added, hoping that he would at least tell me that much.
"They went to grab lunch and see a movie. They wanted me to go but I… Poe I…" Tears choked off his words and he started sobbing into the phone. I wished to God I hadn't rushed out of work so soon because now I wished I could send an ambulance to our house, but the only way to do that now was to hang up with Kylo and I was unwilling to do that.
"Kylo, listen to me baby please. Go outside, go next door and knock on doors until you find someone who is home whom you can stay with until I get there. I'll be home in ten minutes and I'll come find you wherever you are okay?" I begged him.
"I can't Poe, I can't. I did something stupid Poe, I did. I'm sorry baby, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to I just… I—". Whatever he was going to say was lost when the phone line went dead and I felt real, pure fear shoot through me. Whatever Kylo had done was really bad and I was afraid I was going to lose him. I dialed 911 as soon as I realized for sure that Kylo wasn't going to answer my calls and raced home, leaving the car running in the driveway and bolting into the house as soon as I arrived. I beat the emergency responders and rushed into the house yelling his name as loud as I could. There was no answer. I struggled for a second to get my thoughts in order and use my brain before I decided on our bedroom as the best place to start looking. I bolted upstairs and into the suite, despairing when I found it empty. Quickly I rushed through the room to the connecting bathroom and there I found my beautiful, witty lover. He was slumped in the empty bathtub, clothed only in a pair of black jeans and the splash of bright scarlet blood that covered him and swirled around him as it fled down the drain, fleeing from the bloody mess that was his wrist. My heart nearly stopped and I leapt for him, pulling his limp body to me as I cradled him and checked for a pulse. He had one, thankfully, and I spoke to him as I worked quickly to stanch the blood flow with nearby hand towels.
"Kylo, baby please, talk to me. I need you to talk to me okay?" He moaned and blinked his eyes open sluggishly as I worked on his wrist.
"Poe." He breathed. I smiled through my tears.
"Yeah baby. I'm here." I assured him.
"I'm so sorry Poe. I didn't mean to, I swear." He explained tearfully. I shook my head tersely, pressing my lips hard together and focusing harder on my task at hand.
"It's alright Ky, you don't have to explain." He shook his head.
"No, I do. I didn't want to do this to you; I would never do this to you guys. I love you, I would never leave you like this!" He cried. "I just—it was so… much and I couldn't handle it anymore. I didn't want to stress you three or make things worse and I couldn't—I couldn't do it anymore." He gushed.
I shook my head harder and harder the more he spoke, wishing selfishly that I could stop his words so I wouldn't have to hear how much we had wronged him. Could we be worse lovers? Three of us and not a single one of us noticed Kylo's pain. None of us knew that he was feeling this way, too caught up in ourselves to notice that happy-go-lucky Kylo wasn't happy after all. For the first time I realized how big of a burden we had all put on him, seeing the strength he'd lent us as confidence in the situation. We'd bled him dry.
"I just wanted a break, a little release. I'd cut before, when I was younger, a few times. I did it for the first time in years this past month, just so I could fucking breath you know?" I cried harder the more he spoke but he was past noticing. His words now were more a compulsion, an exorcism of his guilt than anything else. He didn't seem to be able to stop.
"Today I was so tense I felt like I would shatter anything I touched and when they said they were leaving for a few hours I thought I would get a chance to unwind. But—but I couldn't. I cut like I usually did and it didn't help. I still couldn't breath. I still couldn't stop worrying." His eyes became frantic as he continued his telling.
"I didn't mean to cut that deep. I swear I didn't. I didn't even realize I had until all of a sudden I was light headed. And then… then it was too late. I couldn't stop the blood. So I called you. Because you can save me. You always save me Poe." He said the last with such surety that it nearly broke me. I could save him? I could save him when I'd been letting him save us all for months? When I'd let him get to this stage without even noticing? He had more faith in me than he should: I had failed him.
"Poe, I love you. I love you, please say something. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry." He sobbed, reaching for me even as I tried desperately to keep his arm still so I could keep pressure on his wrist.
"I love you too Kylo, more than you could ever know." I assured him, kissing his forehead gently. It was then that the paramedics got there and they bundled Kylo out to the ambulance in minutes, me climbing in with them for the tense ride to the hospital. Once there, Kylo and I decided it would be best not to tell the others what had happened. We both thought that it would do more harm than good and no one could handle that right now. It showed me that something had to change though and it spurred me into action.
For lack of any other ideas, I went looking for another lover to add to our mix the next day. Kylo had saved Hux, Finn, and I after all and I was desperate. Five days later, I found Mitaka. At first glance Mitaka looked like your average twink but the man was anything but typical. He was short, slender, and beautiful with a slow sexy smirk and a voice that made me want to cum on the spot. He was tanned and toned, muscular in a way unique to him. Where as Kylo and Finn had muscles that made you fantasize about grabbing onto their biceps while they fucked you hard, Mitaka had muscles that hinted at a past spent swimming or running. He was open to a poly relationship and best of all he had struggled with his own demons too (namely cocaine and ecstasy) in the past so he understood how difficult it could be at times. I knew that desperation was no reason to invite someone else into our family and I knew that I was dragging Mitaka into our mess with little regard for his own wellbeing or happiness. Still, I was absolutely unwilling to let another incident like the one with Kylo happen again. If Mitaka could perhaps prevent that than it was worth it; may God forgive me for being that selfish.
"He's gorgeous." Kylo stated approvingly, eyeing Mitaka up and down when I introduced them all for the first time. "I can't wait to have his pretty pink lips wrapped around my—". Hux's hand slapped over his mouth before he could finish his rather explicit statement.
"Welcome Mitaka." He said smoothly, speaking for all three of them. "It's a pleasure to meet you." And from that moment on, we four became five. The stories that follow are our stories—all five of us. They start now, they start here.