A/N: This is a plot bunny that just wouldn't leave me alone...my horrid attempt at humor...so suffer at your own risk
Disclaimer: It should be obvious that I don't own anything!
Beta'd by Borne-shadow-childe, Thank you!
Lord Voldemort growled as he opened his eyes; he had a throbbing headache, and the light in the room was truly annoying. Not to mention the fact that the Potter brat had managed to escape him yet again.
A slight movement on his right indicated that someone else was in his room, probably one of his insufferably idiotic servants. Without a thought he muttered, "Crucio!"
No satisfying scream came; in fact, the other person chuckled. Surprised, Voldemort turned to face the insolent wizard that refused to scream and almost jumped out of his skin as his ruby eyes beheld the imagine. "What? You, you..."
The girl had the cheek to smile, "Yes, me. No, you are not mad, popular belief to the contrary. You are simply in another universe, my universe to be exact."
"And may I ask why am I finding myself talking to a Muggle girl when I could be plotting ways to take over the wizarding world, or better, murder the Boy-who-lived-to-Die-at-My-Hand?"
The girl merely replied in a dreamy voice, "Awww... I love it when you get so darn evil..."
Voldemort regarded the girl and muttered experimentally, "Avada Kedavra!"
Nothing happened. "Just as I thought," he spoke to no one in particular, and then he raised his voice, "Tell me, what is it that you are doing in my room? And what did you do to bribe the author? Usually a useless Mary-Sue-ish character like you can be killed without a flip of my wand."
The girl had the grace to blush at this, "Well, I borrowed you from Ms. Rowling. I just wanted to ask you something...why is it that you always make those corny speeches before you try to kill Harry Potter? You know, 'Avada Kedavra' is a two-worded phrase, why does it always have to turn into an hour-long speech?"
Lord Voldemort almost rolled his eyes, "Obviously you are new to the world of fantasy-writing; how else are authors supposed to teach their readers the moral lesson they need? Of course I need to rant in a speech every year so that even those less observant would know that the book is about good vs. evil and et cetera et cetera. Besides, do you know how rare my appearances are in the series? I'd be damned if I don't use those precious little opportunities to make an impression."
The girl looked thoughtful, finally she spoke up again, "That brings me to another question, why is it you always have a yearly plan? I mean, can't you attempt murder before the end of the term?"
This time Voldemort did roll his eyes, "What are you going to do with the rest of the year if I tried to kill Potter say at Christmas? I'm not being egoistic or anything, but life without my threat just isn't the same...Your lack of understanding truly astounds me; luckily you are not the writer, gee."
To his surprise, the girl looked very hurt at that, "How could you, oh, Tom, how could you?"
Voldemort felt that he was about to blow up, "Oh, stopping calling me by that name for Merlin's sake! And just go away!"
The girl did not disappear, instead, to the Dark Lord's horror, she licked her lips in what she had apparently hoped (emphasize on "hoped") to be a seductive way and smirked, "Oh, you are not about to get rid of me so easily...did you not know? There is this thing called fan fiction. So as the writer, right now I have your universe and your fate wrapped around my fingertips."
Voldemort looked at the girl incredulously, "Even I did not expect anyone to have such cheek as to write themselves into this horrid fan fiction of yours! Author or not, you are still just a Mary Sue."
"Oh...did I tell you that? You look really sexy when you are all angry..."
Something in the girl's tone made Voldemort uneasy. He conjured a mirror and almost exploded in rage as he saw a handsome man with ebony hair and ruby eyes staring back at him, "AHHH! What have you done to me?! Do you know how much trouble it takes to create that Illusion Charm?"
"What? You mean you looked like this before as well? But you hid it with that snake-faced, corpse-like body?"
"Well, of course! That corpse-like body was for intimidation purposes!"
"But you look better like this...not that I couldn't see your inner beauty then," she replied with a flirty smile.
Voldemort suddenly looked at her suspiciously, "What exactly is it that you want? I swear if you say that you are here to make me fall in love and finally see the 'good side' or any such cliché I'll..."
"Oh no...don't worry Voldie. I did toy with that idea for a while but I decided that I like you so much better this way..."
"Too bad your love shall be unrequited. What were you thinking when you created the story? Did you honestly think that I'd fall for a filthy Muggle –"
"Are brown eyes not your type?" the girl asked worriedly, her eyes instantly changing into that of sky blue.
Voldemort had a sudden urge to bang his head – or better, hers – on the table, "No, it is not because of your eyes, you little –"
"But I could make you immmmmortal...I could give you Harrrrrry Potttter...and I could bring you the head of Albus Dumbledore..." the girl purred and moved closer.
"Hmmm..."
"Yes...I can give you all that...and I will give you the world...." Mary Sue smirked as she saw that the Dark Lord wavering. Damn I'm tired of waiting for our relationship to develop, I'll just skip some scenes here, she thought. She scrambled something done at the paper and immediately saw the effects.
Voldemort's eyes became cloudy as he said dreamily, "Love..." He bent down to give the girl a passionate kiss and was about to invade the delicate mouth with his tongue when the girl pulled away. Puzzled, he raised an elegant eyebrow.
She blushed, "This is a PG story, you know..."
"What are we supposed to do then?"
"Hmm...well, we were supposed to go into a room and close the door..."
"But we are in my bedroom! And it has the strongest locking spells on it!"
"Well, we kind of have to be in a different room than we are in right now...so the readers don't see anything, you see..."
"Oh...that can be easily arranged." Voldie smirked as he led her into one of his many other rooms.
Just then, the girl fell done to the floor and screamed in agony. "What is it?" Voldemort asked worriedly.
"Real Life calls...time for me to go..." she replied through clenched teeth.
"But love...you can't leave me here..." Voldemort was horrorstruck, even he had heard of the terrors of that monster called Real Life.
"I promise; I'll... be... back." With one last kiss, barely holding back tears, the girl vanished, and the star-crossed lovers were again separated.
There! Please read and review. As it is my first attempt at such genre, I'd really love some feed-back. Constructive critism is welcomed!