Disclaimer: One Piece and its characters do not belong to me or Ja Yuu May - unfortunately - they belong to their respective creator/owner. This is also a parody loosely based on callosum's One Piece fic "Starvation Dairy No 2". Thanks, callosum-san!
Author Note: Inspired by a parody skit between Ja Yuu May and I about "Starvation Diary" one late night. Enjoy and leave feedback!
Log 1 (4 days)
It all started when your crew ran out of food. Well, no, it all really started when you all were stupid enough to sail into a wide section of ocean that was completely void of life. A sea that had no living thing swimming in it. So, when you and your crew eventually ran out of food, there was to be no fishing, sadly. All of the emergency food is, of course, mostly gone now and the crew (i.e. Nami) has decided that the remaining food was to be rationed in times for extreme cases of hunger. Which, unfortunately, was approaching for you.
You're the recent newbie on board the Thousand Sunny and aren't very close with the other crew-members yet. As such, no one is yet aware of how bat-shit crazy you tend to get when deprived of food for an extended period of time. It's alright, though. Going on day four now of starvation and you're perfectly fine. Totally fine. You do wish Chopper would stop freaking out about you guys going to eat him, though. It's not making it any easier for you when he puts that idea in your mind. And if you tend to stare at him for longer than normal…well, he needs to keep his mouth shut about food, now doesn't he?
Log 2 (12 days)
Okay, you went a bit overboard (pardon your sea pun, you're still new at the sailing thing). Everyone knows not to steal tangerines from Nami's grove. But you just had to be the rebel and take one, didn't you? Well, in your defense, it had already fallen on the ground and it was just going to get rotten lying there like that. By your actions, you've just saved the crew from a week or more of rotten orange smell. You're a good person.
You still hid yourself well as you devoured that innocent little fruit since you know by now that Zoro has eyes like a hawk and you can never hear Robin approach. You're pretty sure you got away with it, though, and no one suspects a thing. You defend yourself by stating (in your mind) that if Nami wasn't such a food-hog, you wouldn't have had to resort to such matters. It's her fault, not yours.
Log 3 (19 days)
You sit back to take a look at your hard work. All those beautiful orange colors beneath your bed like wonderful little presents waiting to be unwrapped. Dammit. Now look what you've gotten yourself into. Stealing, are we? And covering your tracks. You're sure you weren't a thief before joining this crew? But you were sort of forced into this situation. Nami the Nazi (no, that's pretty offensive, isn't it?)(but you care very little for etiquette at this point in your hunger) has refused to lift the ban on food despite your attempts to make her deaf by whining to her about it constantly. You finally backed off when she kicked you in your freaking face. She says it was an accident but you know her and you know – you know – it was on purpose. Currently Luffy – your captain – has taken over your job of whining Nami to death. You think if anyone can accomplish it, it'd be him since he can take more hits than you can while Nami tries to get him to stop.
Anyway, while the crew was scattered and doing their own things, you decided to take it upon yourself to secure your survival – you haven't understood the meaning of being in a team yet and as far as you're concerned right now it's every person for themselves – and gathered the (mostly) fallen tangerines and ran to your room for some much-needed reconstruction. Tearing the floorboards up from under your bed was easier than you thought and now you've gotten a nice little hidey-hole for your new emergency food supply. My goodness, how far you've fallen. At least you still have enough sense to keep this hidden option as a last resort and not take advantage of this opportunity.
Log 4 (30 days)
Or you did have enough sense. You think you've still got enough left to recognize the fact that you are losing the rest of your…sense. If that makes sense. Which it does to you, because you're now a mixture of senseful and senseless. You think it's because not only are you still starving and have probably lost over 1/4th of your original body weight but also because you have been eating nothing but tangerines for the past few days and you think the chemistry between them and the sun is starting to fry your brain to mush. No one else seems concerned as they eat what little Nami lets them have and you heard she's going to start letting Sanji get more tangerines from her trees - which she only did because Sanji had to be a klutz and fall overboard and you got in trouble because you watched Luffy jump in after him and didn't try to help either one (you thought that they were playing a game or something! Give yourself a break!) - since the emergency food is almost all gone by now.
Too late for you, though, since you've already helped yourself. For shame!
The good thing about your descent into possible insanity is that you've gotten crazy good (pardon your pun, you're losing sanity points by the seconds) at stealing those round fruits. You would've thought Zoro would've caught you by now. Or Usopp, or Robin, since they also have good awareness. But, no. You've successfully stayed worry-free for days. Unfortunately, your fading intellectual awareness may be more noticeable than you thought because Zoro has started to give you a weird look. You think you stop whatever you were doing that could be weirding him out and eat your stupid little piece of bread that the tangerine witch placed in front of you.
Log 5 (35 days)
Over a month in this hell-hole and the others are dealing with it way better than you, in your honest opinion. You observe as they play, read, nap, and other activities they would normally do in non-starving situations. But you? You kinda just sit there. Staring and thinking about tangerines. Your stealing has become noticeable and the others (Nami and Zoro) have begun to study your movements with suspicion. You can't blame them, though – you'd do it too if your crewmate's room smelled guiltily of tangerines as well (you can't eat all of them at once or you'll get sick again, so they've started to deteriorate). You think Robin might know about you but the raven-haired woman seems to be keeping out of it. Good, you think boastfully, because you could totally take her on, no problem. Thinking about the others as enemies has made you begin to carry your little pocket knife you've always kept with you. Not that you'd actually stab anyone, but it makes you feel better to have it and it's easier to peel the fruits with it.
You also think your insanity has gotten worse (or would it be better?) because you've been eating the peelings on the tangerines lately and you're not sure if you're supposed to do that or not. You know nothing about survival. Except maybe that stealing was the best thing that ever happened to you. Your family would be crying right now.
Log 6 (41 days)
Nearing two months now and even though Nami has long approved the use of her grove for necessary food consumption, you just can't bring yourself to stop from keeping your own private stock supplied. In case stuff happened. That was a weak excuse but you don't care because you are now completely off your rocker and no one suspects a thing! Ha! Ha! Ha!
But in all fake seriousness, you've started to view your crewmates with complete hostility and you find yourself watching them constantly now to make sure they don't (a) attack you or (b) take your tangerines away. You think they'd go for both options, though. You definitely would. And will. Because you're out for numero one right now (i.e. yourself) and everyone here was crazy to begin with and not human like yourself and you just know they'd let you starve and die if given the chance. You finger your pocket knife, imagining all the food-stealing bad guys you could take down with it (which number up to none, realistically, because this is the freaking Grand Line and all you have is a crappy pocket knife that's also a little dull on the edges because you haven't been taking good care of it). You heard Zoro's been defeated by a guy with a knife before; you wonder, in your delirious mind, if you could do the same even with no training.
You nod to yourself. Yeah, you totally could.
Log 7 (48 days)
Day whatever, you've stopped caring long ago. Alternately, you are now the ultimate ruler of stealing those awesome tangerines. In complete seriousness? They are the only things you can trust on this ship. You know the others have it out for you; you're the newbie so you'll be the first to go. Screw that, you think, as you lean against the railing, trying to hide a tangerine in your shirt. You ain't dying before the others do. You won't give their evil little hearts that satisfaction.
Luffy, out of all of them, is probably the worst person you've ever set your eyes on. You don't know why you didn't see it before now. His belittling smiles. The way his calculating eyes scrunch up. His mocking laugh. The way he tries to trick you into letting your guard down under the excuse of "merrymaking" with "nakama". You think he's worse than that alligator guy or whoever they mentioned who almost conquered an entire country. Luffy conquers people much more simpler; he acts like an idiot, but that's all it is – an act. Conniving little imp.
You hear a sound and lift your head to see Usopp walking out of the kitchen cabin. His exit from inside briefly covers Zoro, breaking the staring contest the two of you have been having for the past couple of…minutes? Hours? He becomes visible again after Usopp walks past and the two of you resume your stare-down. You know he knows you've been on you're "A"-game lately and he's not catching you in the act of stealing at all. Suck on that, grass-ass! You are the better thief and no one can get evidence on you!
And right when you think that your hand spasms and the tangerine you've been trying to hide desperately in your shirt falls out and rolls a few inches toward your two enemies. You stare at the tangerine as they stare at you.
The only logical thing to do is to twitch forward and snatch the tangerine before flinging yourself off the ship's railings like a rocket. You hear protests as you fall towards the water but you know that they're just jealous because you won the game and they didn't. Yes! You've won - congratulations! They may have found you out but you've won because you escaped before they could steal the tangerines back! You hit the ocean and grin at your tangerine underwater. You're the undisputed best pirate ever.
Log 8 (50 days)
You've woken up from your drug-induced slumber and you are freaking pissed. Off. Not only are you confined to the sickbay, but you also just found out they finally found your tangerines (the smell was horrid) and threw them all overboard! What a waste, and now you'll have to start over again from scratch! Figures they'd throw away the only things you could rely on. You cross your arms as the others come in and out of the room to lecture you or something – you're not paying attention and all you can think about is the fact that while you won the battle you certainly didn't win the war. Double dammit.
Log 9 (54 days)
Usopp – Nappy Head – and Robin – Breasts – had spotted land early this morning and in a gesture of happiness, Doctor Reindeer (you refuse to call them by their name because they are all traitors and don't deserve it) has allowed you to walk around on your own after days of being intravenously fed by tubes through your skin since "apparently", you've been "abusing your body by not regulating your tangerine intake" or some bullcrap like that. You think Chopper – er, Doctor Reindeer – just made up those things so that he could put needles through your body like a sadist.
As you walk – slump-backed since you've lost the ability to care about posture – outside the galley, you turn to notice your archenemy (and tattle-teller) standing to the side, guarding the Tangerwitch's (i.e. Nami) trees. You glare at Zoro – Grass-ass, you mean – as he remains unaffected by your presence and you have half an insane mind to stab him like the guy who defeated him did. In fact, it'd show him, wouldn't it? Alas, it is not meant to be as you send a promising sneer his way and rummage around in your pocket where there obviously is no knife anymore, seeing as how you're now "a danger to yourself and others" and it was removed from your person for your own safety. You think it was more for Zoro's – Grass-ass's – safety because that guy is just asking for a stab and you think he knows it which is why he was all scared of you before and now he's confident he can take you on. Chicken. Wimp. You sneer again at him and he quirks an eyebrow at you. Yeah, he's totally scared of you.
You turn your attention from him and watch as the island in front of the ship only gets bigger. The others are rejoicing that they'll finally get some much-needed supplies. You refrain from commenting because you've been doing just fine stealing from the Tangerwitch. If they had only done the same, they would've been fine as well. Sometimes you think you're the only smart person on this ship. Realistically, you probably are.
Log 10 (71 days)
It's been seventeen days of your crew recuperating at this random town you all found and you believe your crew mates are having a laugh at your expense. They say you'd been acting crazy for the past two months and threatened to stab them with your dull little pocket knife not a few times. You call them a bunch of liars because who in the world would be dumb enough to think they could take down the Mugiwara Crew with a crappy pocket knife that's not even a little bit sharp and a whole lot rusted? They say it's you but you know you didn't think something that stupid, even though you have a bit of amnesia and don't really remember what you've been doing during the past two months. Your crew has stayed longer than necessary because they think you needed to be in rehabilitation or a doctor's office. You're fine, you think, all you needed was a little food. But when some members threatened to leave you behind if you didn't comply, well…you decided it couldn't hurt.
Now you've all sailed off again as Luffy bounces around and sometimes teases you about things you don't remember and may or may not have happened. You're pretty sure you would never steal from Nami.
One thing's for sure, though, and that's the stomach-turning nausea you feel whenever you so much as look in the direction of the tangerines. Urlp! You just did it again. You turn your head away, feeling sick. The good news is that at least the starvation stage is hopefully out of the way for your and your crewmates' trip.
The bad news is that you have yet to find out that your room reeks of rotten tangerines.
End.
Post Script - For some reason, Franky and Brook never consciously made it in. Oh well. Because of the reenactment between me and my co-author, I decided to write this in a "Homestuck-esque" style. Something new for me, to be sure.